So worried about DS friendless and isolated at uni

[Labobo]

DS is having a really hard time as a fresher at a London uni. Due to Covid, his flatmates vanished within the first two weeks, so he has lived alone ever since.

He says that three different friendship groups have dropped him. He was in WhatsApp groups that went silent and then discovered that new groups had been set up without him.

He has HFA but masks it pretty well. He comes over as a bit serious and quirky rather than autistic. He has made huge efforts - he has baked birthday cakes for people, bought them birthday presents, held a dinner party. But in return people refuse to even go out for a walk with him. He's now spent six days without a single human interaction. Every suggestion he's made to meet up has been ignored or rejected. When he admitted to someone he thought he got on with that he was alone in a flat and had spoken to no one for days and felt lonely, she just responded with a sad face and left the conversation.

I feel sick with sadness for him. He is a lovely boy. He is very funny and kind and has loads of interests. He just wants to be able to hang out in a group - he's not demanding or attention seeking. He feels like there is something wrong with him and I can't persuade him otherwise. He refuses to come home and hangs on in hope that someone might agree to go for a walk with him.

Uni has said he can bubble with another flat but he doesn't know anyone well enough. He says even if he did bubble he'd still have to be invited into the flat and can't see that happening. They don't seem to care at all about his well being.

What can he do to turn this around, and what can I do to help him?

@Warmworm - thank you so much. That is really helpful. I will take a look.

I had a similar experience in my second year at uni. I had friends but not close and it was grim.

I ended up dropping out and this was a huge contributing factor. Don't regret this decision now and have since gone onto get a degree in another subject.

If he is really finding it tough is there any way he could transfer to somewhere local and commute?

I’m so sorry, OP. It’s the worst feeling in the world to watch them suffer like this. There is a Facebook page called What I Wish I knew about university which gives great support (some students are on it) and there’s also a forum page. Sometimes people put out a call for help at a university and someone else’s child will call in on a lonely person or help to get them integrated. It might be worth a go.

Ah sorry. Cross posted with warm.

Dd has hfa and joined a group at uni via the student disability support services after really struggling.. They still meet virtually . Lovely bunch of young people. He’s had great fun with them doing all sorts. Your da could try contacting similar at his uni?
He sounds smashing.. I hope he finds some similar lovely people soon

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. Your son sounds lovely. This is not his fault at all, he’s just been very unlucky. Can you say what uni he’s at? I have a DS applying right now to LSE and UCL. We’re in London.

I feel so sorry for your poor DS. I wonder if he would be happier at a campus uni rather than being in a big city.

I think that if it weren't for covid he would have found like minded people in clubs/societies but I assume they are not really happening.
I am not sure what to suggest other than speaking to the university. I would be very worried if my son were living in a flat on his own.

I would insist that they found a new flat for him with some kind people who would not leave him out. It is sad to read about the girl who left the conversation....maybe she panicked that he wanted a relationship or something.

I second the suggestion to talk to the access office - they can't tell you anything, but they can listen to the information you tell them,

Is there a uni D&D online group he can join? Because that may help him find his "tribe". (I say this as someone with a DS for whom online D&D has been really positive.)

Your son sounds so like my like my DD. My daughter also has ASD and had a very similar experience in her first year at University. In fact throughout her schooling. People either ignored her or sniggered and whispered about her in a sub-bullying kind of way. She was so miserable that she started cutting herself quite badly. Things changed for her at the beginning of her second year when a lad started to try to make friends with her and asked her to be his lab partner. She was so used to people treating her like a leper that it took ages for it to even register that the lad liked her. Luckily he was very persistent and now he is her best friend and also her boyfriend She's now in her 3rd year and they are sharing a room in lockdown. She is so much happier now. He's her first ever friend and it's been life changing for her. It only takes one person to make a difference - tell your DS not to give up hope x

@Willowcat77 - that story gives me hope.

@Beetlesand - that's a good idea. I'll have a look.

No advise I'm afraid but really feel for you and your son op, must be heartbreaking knowing he is so lonely. I would keep trying to convince him to come home until his house mates return and he can form a bond with them.

I’ve just shared your post with my dd who is a similar age to your son and her first reaction was that he should move to a different university, one on campus preferably out of London. Somewhere like UEA or somewhere more quirky. We both felt so sad for your son reading your post. It sounds like he’s at completely the wrong place.

This is so sad to read. My heart goes out to you. Surely there is support for students with learning disabilities? I used to work at our local uni' and the 'Spectrum' group for ASD students was very well administered.

I've seen 2 DC through uni' and both had their issues. It's so tough to see your kids struggle. I wouldn't hesitate to call the Dislexia and Disability Service dept if I were you.

OP, I feel so sad reading your post. Apart from the covid thing I could have written something almost identical about my son 10 years ago. We were desperately worried for him and to be fair it DID take a long time to find his feet but he got there eventually.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you and sadly I can't think what to suggest but just wanted to send you hugs and sympathy for your situation. I hope very much that your lovely boy finds the friends he deserves.

Actually, thinking about it now we did contact his tutor to ask them to keep a careful eye in him - and they did. He got a lot of support from academic staff, but we had to make it happen. Just a thought.....

@SallySaidHi

This is so sad to read. My heart goes out to you. Surely there is support for students with learning disabilities? I used to work at our local uni' and the 'Spectrum' group for ASD students was very well administered.

I've seen 2 DC through uni' and both had their issues. It's so tough to see your kids struggle. I wouldn't hesitate to call the Dislexia and Disability Service dept if I were you.

ASD isn’t a learning disability.

@Bagelsandbrie I would agree with you.

My daughter doesn’t have ASD however she is not particularly sociable and I knew a London university would not be great for her.

If he is doing well in his course it should be relatively easy for him to transfer to another university for the same course and I would get the bowl rolling.

If the situation improves over the year he does not have to take up the offer but it would be good as a safety net in case.

Similar situation for my DS who went to a London Uni as well. He had a high level of social anxiety before arriving at uni. Declared his ASD to the uni and their Disability Service invited him to their weekly social club, where he made his first uni friend. Together they attended other clubs and slowly made more friends. He didn't know enough people until his 3rd year to move into a student house, but his current partner was originally one of his 'housemate'! His social skills and confidence, have come on in leaps and bounds. Completed degree this year, taking a gap year before masters, has found work and currently enjoys living with partner in a shared house with others on gap years or studying masters. But I remember how hard it was in the first year, but there will be others in a similar situation as him, and I think the uni disability service is a good place to start. My DS also obtained DSA and this funded a mentor for him, whom he enjoyed meeting each week and gave a listening ear and practical guidance.

@Dove0709 - do you mind me asking which London uni he went to? This Disability social group thing was mentioned above too and it sounds wonderful. People who just accept you as you are. (He also has a minor physical disability too.) If I could encourage him to join that next term, it could be great., Nothing is up and running right now. He is a bit resistant to any sort of labelled socialising but if he sees people having loads of fun together, he might think differently. That's a really helpful and encouraging post. Thank you for it.

My cousin moved into a new area and used Bumble app for finding friendships, and she’s found a lovely group and now lives with them. So I’d suggest not discounting apps for meet ups, or friendships etc.
Poor lad, hope it gets better for him soon x

ASD isn’t a learning disability.

FamilyOfAliens DDS don't only deal with students with learning disabilities, they offer support to any student who has a condition that may impact on their life at university.

OP, do get in touch with the DDS department and tell them about your son. Usually I wouldn't recommend parents getting involved but in this case it sounds like he needs your input. Ask them about the possibility of him being moved to another flat. Also contact his department, they have a duty to look his his welfare.

I think living alone must be hard, even in normal times. At least if he was in a flat share or in halls, there would be people around. If everyone else has company, your son is probably last on the list for going for a walk.

Is he (you) shouldering all the rent on a London rental? Are his flat mates returning, not sure what you mean about them "disappearing" because of covid? Things should improve when the flat mates return.

I will second what pps have said about it taking time for him to find his place or his tribe at uni. A part time supermarket job may be worth considering for the social side?

If you can, why not travel to visit him? An outdoor meet up? Just getting out on his own for fresh air and exercise will improve mood, so encourage that.

It's very positive that he feels able to confide in you. You sound very close and your relationship will see him through this difficult time. He may not want you to come up with solutions, being a sounding board and available to talk through his feelings is perhaps all he needs from you.

Hi,
We're not far from London so we did meet up yesterday. Had a really lovely afternoon (he is genuinely easy, great company, this is what puzzles me) and it cheered him. But just as I left he got a text from someone he'd asked to go for a walk with him, saying no, so it brought the mood back down again. A whole week with not a single interaction. But he has been invited out tonight - thank God! So I hope it goes well, and I hope the week of isolation hasn't made him too tongue tied and socially anxious to have fun.

He is in halls, in a halls flat, so technically shared kitchen but room with en-suite. There is no one along two corridors except for him, they all decided to live at home due to Covid. So others in halls have flatmates they hang out with and he doesn't. He can't take a supermarket job because they have to come home by 9th and self isolate, but he could in January if the vaccine brings the world back to normal. (I so hope it does.)

This happened to friend's son at UCL. He dropped out end of first year, had a gap year, then reapplied to a RG nearer home, to do subtly different subject, made loads of new friends and turned things around. His parents were so so concerned but there was a magical transformation when he moved unis. London was the wrong place for him, despite it working for others he knew. Sometimes it is just that, Covid or no Covid, the wrong uni town.

Ds2 wouldn't cope in a London uni, despite us living here. Lancaster suits him very well this unusual year cos flats are of 12, and no one has moved home...they do nothing but bake cakes, dress up, go on walks together, and study! There is alcohol too I'm not denying it, but no one can be stuck in their room, even going to launderette on campus is a social event ardently to be anticipated...