So worried about DS friendless and isolated at uni

[Labobo]

DS is having a really hard time as a fresher at a London uni. Due to Covid, his flatmates vanished within the first two weeks, so he has lived alone ever since.

He says that three different friendship groups have dropped him. He was in WhatsApp groups that went silent and then discovered that new groups had been set up without him.

He has HFA but masks it pretty well. He comes over as a bit serious and quirky rather than autistic. He has made huge efforts - he has baked birthday cakes for people, bought them birthday presents, held a dinner party. But in return people refuse to even go out for a walk with him. He's now spent six days without a single human interaction. Every suggestion he's made to meet up has been ignored or rejected. When he admitted to someone he thought he got on with that he was alone in a flat and had spoken to no one for days and felt lonely, she just responded with a sad face and left the conversation.

I feel sick with sadness for him. He is a lovely boy. He is very funny and kind and has loads of interests. He just wants to be able to hang out in a group - he's not demanding or attention seeking. He feels like there is something wrong with him and I can't persuade him otherwise. He refuses to come home and hangs on in hope that someone might agree to go for a walk with him.

Uni has said he can bubble with another flat but he doesn't know anyone well enough. He says even if he did bubble he'd still have to be invited into the flat and can't see that happening. They don't seem to care at all about his well being.

What can he do to turn this around, and what can I do to help him?

I think you're absolutely right about London - it's such a melting pot that there is a place for everyone.

I lived there for a good few years and I found people on the whole to be the friendliest I've ever come across, contrary to popular opinion.

Your lovely DS's time will come!!

I agree this is heartbreaking to read and as a mum it hurts you as well, it does not matter whether they are 5 years old or 18 years old you still feel their pain.
University is not a happy experience for all, some never find their tribe. Some are lucky, lots are not.
I had 2 son's at uni at the same time, one seemed to have lots of friends. The other never had the same experience I do not think. He never said anything but it was a general feeling I had. He had lots of friends at home he had made at school so it was not that.
He never mentioned it, so I did not want to draw attention to my assumptions of his uni experience.
You are correct in that they begin early looking for flats together and my son ended up sharing a flat in his second year with the girls from his uni accommodation which I do not think was the best move.
I remember being annoyed when he went to uni that in his flat there was only one other boy sharing and the rest were girls.
Your son is vocalising his unhappiness so this is different, what does he want to do himself? Has he mentioned deferring the year?
I myself did not have a huge circle of female friends at uni although I certainly had friendships. Many were local and already had their own lives but It does make yourself question 'what is wrong with you.'

I think some campus universities are like a continuation of school, and conforming is still important. If you don't fit the mould, you may be better off in London where there is no mould.
I feel quite strongly that this is what he would find and then he'd be trapped. You can't be trapped by conformity in London. You can be horrendously lonely but there is always a new avenue to explore.

@Letsrunabath - I have tried to point this out to him. Some of the party hard crowd are not actually having the time of their lives. And in his first week, he was pulled into that crowd and he looked grey and ill and told us it wasn't for him. He says that crowd dropped him but I suspect it was a bit more mutual. He doesn't want to get pissed and take drugs all the time and I bet some of the people locked into that circuit don't either.

@Hawkins001 He's definitely more Leonard than Sheldon. Nothing Sheldon about him. He's quite gentle and shy. I think he is probably trying to befriend people he doesn't have that much in common with because there's a very limited pool of options during lockdown. That coupled with being in a flat with no one else, so every social interaction, even saying hi as you pass someone becomes supercharged with meaning because you aren't getting the daily dose of 'Want a coffee, looks like rain today' chitchat. And on top of this social anxiety and HFA. Perfect storm really.

On the bright side, he's not too far away so we can visit and go for walks. He is astonishingly resilient and his friends from home genuinely care about him. If lockdown lifts I hope they can all get together at some point over Christmas.

I was going to suggest going to church but am scared of him being pulled into a charismatic group which I don't think would suit him at all.

I almost mentioned church in my earlier post. Our son would never have coped with the Christian Union at his uni - who may have been lovely but were far too full-on for his tastes (he's more of a Quaker / cathedral sort of person) - but he discovered a group that gathered in and around the chaplaincy department and they proved to be his 'family' through all 4 years at uni. They also knew a lot about local churches and were able to suggest places where he might have felt comfortable.

Some very mainstream churches do great work with students and offer wonderful pastoral care.

I don't know how chaplaincy is operating during lockdown but it might be worth considering.

@LittlePearl, yes that's the sort of thing that might suit him. I did wonder about Quakers too but it would be a big, different step for him, and one he would probably take after exhausting other avenues. the pastoral care could be good, as could the quieter, gentler people he might meet there. But he'd need to be in a crowd that really doesn't find him odd because of his shy demeanour but flamboyant dress. He just needs ot find people who accept him as he is.

I'm an atheist, but several people around me when I first left home were CU and we rubbed along okay - one of our best nights out was when Tom Robinson played the Lewisham Odeon. That dates us good and proper and I'm going to be in a Zoom meet-up with a couple of them tomorrow evening. 42 years and still going strong, despite some fairly fundamental differences.

If he is keen on getting out on walks and is into architecture, would guided walks be of interest? Something like Paul Talling's Derelict London ones (if you can get on them)?

@MarchingFrogs - yes he'd love that walk. I'll suggest it.

He has been really proactive and early on in the term when he had no one to hang out with, he went on a walk organised by a famous photographer who he got on so well with, they ended up having lunch together for several hours after the talk ended. The photographer ended up swapping emails and saying to stay in touch. But he just can't make friends in halls for some reason.

I’m so sorry op that is really hard to bear.

I hope he can find a way to mix with friends soon. Really heartbreaking.

Labobo Personality wise, i have a bit more understanding and context with him being more Leonard, from what you describe i can understand people are like gold dust at times, and i think also part of the issue could be that the ones he may have tried to connect with are wrapped up with what ever they are active with, that it could be those situations where if your not the first to eg message ect then because the people are busy with x projects, that could be partly an explanation.

however everything i just wrote could be incorrect, the best information i have is for him to keep being positive and best as possible, and keep trying.

There is a Facebook page called what I wish I knew about university. WIWIKAU. If you post on there some people can perhaps suggest support. Some people seem to have posted on there and their children have been able to reach out and make friends with those who are struggling a bit...

He sounds as if he has a more mature outlook than a lot of other students, which can also make things more difficult.

Are there some welfare/helping groups or societies he could join, that would appeal to his caring side and give him the chance to meet others based around a task or activity? Some volunteering for a soup kitchen/food bank or an ecological project or some such

There is a link here but Covid restrictions are obviously a major obstacle complicating everything at the moment.

@ClarasZoo - already looked into it. Nothing so far.

@TonTonMacoute I get the impression from him that he is just going to tolerate these last two weeks alone and then sort of press reset and go into next term trying some new clubs and societies if Covid restrictions have lifted. So yes, those are good possibilities. There have been some great suggestions on here and I think he'll have a go at a few of them.

This is such a tough time for our young people. As another poster suggested, have you had a look at the Facebook page for WIWIKAU (What I wish I knew about university)? Its members (parents of kids at uni) are very proactive in trying to help those students who are struggling to make connections at university. Someone In the group might be able to help your lad. He sounds like a lovely young man who just needs to find his ‘tribe’.

[quote Labobo]@ClarasZoo - already looked into it. Nothing so far.

@TonTonMacoute I get the impression from him that he is just going to tolerate these last two weeks alone and then sort of press reset and go into next term trying some new clubs and societies if Covid restrictions have lifted. So yes, those are good possibilities. There have been some great suggestions on here and I think he'll have a go at a few of them.[/quote]
Oh I’m sorry that hadn’t worked. I wish I had a child at that uni who could help but I don’t...

Try the chaplaincy - he’ll find a group of kind people who are not quite so happy-clappy as the CU (although CU will also be kind/welcoming!).

All the London chaplaincies are organising walks, coffees on benches, zoom chats. They are there to help if he can reach out.

I really feel for you and your son, how awful. I’m sure many many students are struggling and many mothers are feeling like you.
My daughter started at Uni in September and came home after two weeks. She said it was too hard to make friends with no clubs meeting, no F2F teaching, no social spaces etc. She is fairly sociable and has lots of interests so I really feel if she couldn’t bear it, how hard must it be for anyone shy or with difficulties?
She’s now doing her degree online until restrictions ease and doesn’t regret her decision. Loves the course, hated the ‘virtual only’ life.
She didn’t have an effective household bubble (was placed on a virtually empty corridor) which didn’t help.
I’m not saying that’s right for your son, but things are so far from normal now it might be worth considering him ducking out for a bit?
I hope things improve.

@GaribaldiGirl - thank you for your message. He does get very fixed ideas and one is that he has to hold out until the end of term in case he gets invited somewhere. Still nothing all weekend. . He knows stuff is going on, that people are meeting up but he's just not invited.

I did point out to him that he is the last man standing on his corridor/in his flat. The only one who has stayed, which means everyone else found it too hard to make friends in these circumstances. I wish he realised, as your daughter did, that it's just too hard right now. He thinks it's his fault. And while he must have made a few social mistakes to have met people and been dropped by them, I think him thinking it's all his fault and not really taking Covid into account properly has knocked his confidence.

He is coming home for a couple of nights soon. I hope he stays longer.

@KingscoteStaff - thank you. I didn't know that about the London chaplaincies. I will ask him to get on to them.

@Labobo - what my daughter found is that because of the restrictions people tended to ‘bubble’ with their household (hard for your son, like my daughter, if he doesn’t have one or it isn’t working) or with people they already knew from school so whereas in a normal year people would be welcoming and anyone can tag along and join in, in these circumstances it feels quite cliquey. It’s also impossible to make friends organically through shared interests or chats in seminars etc.
If you can only mix with a small group everyone will be super choosy.
I can see how it would knock his confidence, particularly given his difficulties but he is in a position most people would find tricky .
I understand from friends that London unis can be hard socially because it attracts a lot of London based students who already know people and have a social set and also wealthy internationals who perhaps live in a different world to most of us.
No idea how accurate that picture is.
Of my friends who’s children have gone off this year there are quite a lot of aren’t enjoying it that much. And those that are are mostly the ones who I know or suspect are breaking the rules.
My daughter is looking at going back in January but I’m encouraging her to wait till Spring as I’m not sure it’ll be much better till then.
He really isn’t alone in being lonely.
I’d have hated it!!

@GaribaldiGirl - thank you for your lovely message and reassurance. You're right, lots of people are in a similar situation but the irony is, they feel like they are the only one because they are alone.

And while he must have made a few social mistakes to have met people and been dropped by them

Not at all! I must have struck up dozens of friendships in the first term at uni - only a handful developed into long term friends, but it wasn't because the others (or I) made social mistakes. It's a normal part of the process of finding people who suit us - he has rightly stepped back from the friends who like to be off their faces, and in normal times he would be meeting lots of other types, some of whom would stick, but most of whom wouldn't. It's not a failing, it's just a numbers game to some extent.

OP, your poor son (and you). He sounds lovely. Having fixed ideas is a common part of autism I believe, correct me it wrong, so of course that trait means he’s going to be working against himself a bit IYKWIM. Which makes it tougher. The flip side is that he’s showing a fork of resilience by being the last man standing, as you rightly said.

Can he reach out and ask others for a walk? Has he tried the Learning Support department who should be supported him if he’s known to them? I know he doesn’t want adult intervention but they may have advice or help facilitate a move or put him in touch with others.

@JunoTurner - he has invited loads of people out for walks. They have all turned him down. He hasn't tried Learning support yet. I guess he might do that next term.

@TheYearOfSmallThings - that's a really good point. I will try to explain that to him when we chat next.