So worried about DS friendless and isolated at uni

[Labobo]

DS is having a really hard time as a fresher at a London uni. Due to Covid, his flatmates vanished within the first two weeks, so he has lived alone ever since.

He says that three different friendship groups have dropped him. He was in WhatsApp groups that went silent and then discovered that new groups had been set up without him.

He has HFA but masks it pretty well. He comes over as a bit serious and quirky rather than autistic. He has made huge efforts - he has baked birthday cakes for people, bought them birthday presents, held a dinner party. But in return people refuse to even go out for a walk with him. He's now spent six days without a single human interaction. Every suggestion he's made to meet up has been ignored or rejected. When he admitted to someone he thought he got on with that he was alone in a flat and had spoken to no one for days and felt lonely, she just responded with a sad face and left the conversation.

I feel sick with sadness for him. He is a lovely boy. He is very funny and kind and has loads of interests. He just wants to be able to hang out in a group - he's not demanding or attention seeking. He feels like there is something wrong with him and I can't persuade him otherwise. He refuses to come home and hangs on in hope that someone might agree to go for a walk with him.

Uni has said he can bubble with another flat but he doesn't know anyone well enough. He says even if he did bubble he'd still have to be invited into the flat and can't see that happening. They don't seem to care at all about his well being.

What can he do to turn this around, and what can I do to help him?

@Copperas - I am so sorry your son is in similar circumstances. I agree that he will find his people in time. He genuinely is funny and warm and intelligent and really loves life - going out, exploring the world, partying and studying. He is very well-rounded. He just hasn't found his crowd and has clung too hard to a crowd he has found which is damaging to him.

My deep concern is that he won't find them next term either. everything will still be online. Clubs won't have reopened and the culture of going to lectures then off for a coffee and discussion about it just isn't there and may never happen for this year group. The incredible extra lectures my experts in their field, the fabulous internships etc which their department is famed for - none of those will happen either. I'm so scared he'll limp along for another lonely term and get really demoralised, or worse, tip into actual depression. It's enough to trigger even the most stable person.

How is your son coping @Copperas? Have you any ideas on how to help and support him?

He is just working incredibly hard when he feels ok and not when he is depressed - he has a heavy workload which helps I think

If he were to take a year out, is there anything he could enjoyably do?

@Copperas, I am glad that he feels able to focus on his work. At least they get some pleasure from that and some self esteem from doing well academically.
DS has zero intention of taking a year out. He is incredibly strong willed. He won't move unis to a smaller campus or defer. He's not necessarily wrong either. He'd be bored stupid at home alone while his friends' lives move on. And he's enjoying the course. He loves London too. He just needs to meet a few more people who actively enjoy and seek out his company. he needs to move into a flat with other students in it. And if/when clubs and societies come back, he'll be so busy with them, he will have a social life from those alone. So I know there's no point in suggesting a radical change (I have already and it was shut down immediately.)

@Labobo I have been following this thread. Would your DS be brave enough to ask "do you mind if I tag along"? I can't imagine many Uni students saying no. It's likely it wouldn't have occurred to them that he is alone in his flat and needs to have some human contact.

Sadly unless his living situation changes, I also can't imagine next term will be any different either so I think you need to drive this point home to him

Sorry your son is going through such a tough first term, Labobo. All credit to him for sticking it out - it shows incredible resilience in someone so young.

There's a website called meetup.com that lists thousands of different groups going on all over the country and it might be worth getting your son to take a look. There are scores of different London walking groups, and you can see who else is attending each event. There are groups for people into art, photography, film; there's a London introverts social club, all sorts! Have just spotted one that looks really fun this Tuesday evening - it's an online play session, a free online acting class for beginners.

Definitely worth checking it out. Good luck to your son.

So sorry to read your updates OP.......very hard for him, but also for you too.

I hope he manages to have a good break over Christmas and that things work our better for him in the NY. Please let us know, having been there myself a decade ago your thread really touched a nerve for me.

Another idea! If he and so many British others are feeling lonely imagine how awful it must be for foreign students just arrived from across the world. I studied abroad as a student and was helped a lot by locals.
Perhaps when he returns he could make a point of making contact with any foreign students in his Hall or subject group. They may well be thrilled to see a friendly face. Even if they are mixing with others from their home country , they may be pleased to have contact with a 'real ' local who can help them interpret official forms etc.
My son offered help to various foreign students when in Manchester and it helped him settle in a lot too.

I know he wants to meet students, but another option to meet people is the meetup app? It's really good and there's all kinds of meet up subjects.

If he is a musician, it might be worth looking at the Camden Roundhouse courses and sessions for under 25s. It's only online at the moment but it could be a way to meet like minded people.

@jeannie46 in theory this is a good idea. In practise everyone he is trying to befriend is an overseas student and it's not working very well for him so far. he is hanging out with one very quiet music student from France. He says they have very little in common. She doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything except music practise so he does some practise with her and they go for coffee. He wants to mix with people who have a bit of passion for life, as he does.

Love the idea of the Roundhouse music sessions. they could be right up his street. Thank you @orangenasturtium.

He's home now and much happier. Got the family pet and his brother to hang out with. His ASD tendencies are far far more noticeable now than ever before, which I think must be due to him living alone and not trying to modify his behaviour. This will make it harder for him to make friends, but not impossible. He just needs a crowd (probably musicians) who don't care. He's seeing some school friends late in the week.

Thank you so much everyone who has shown concern and made suggestions on this thread and in PMs. I appreciate it hugely. People here can be so kind and thoughtful.

I do hope your DS has a better time next term.

Thanks @Ellmau.

It's not much help at the moment, but when life returns to normal, there will be lots of musical opportunities outside of uni where he can meet people, including students from other London universities. Off the top of my head, my DS and his music soc friends have taken part in open mike nights, gamelan at the LSO and Southbank (I think City University also has a group), samba bands, an orchestra for London doctors and medical students. There is lots going on normally.