So worried about DS friendless and isolated at uni

[Labobo]

DS is having a really hard time as a fresher at a London uni. Due to Covid, his flatmates vanished within the first two weeks, so he has lived alone ever since.

He says that three different friendship groups have dropped him. He was in WhatsApp groups that went silent and then discovered that new groups had been set up without him.

He has HFA but masks it pretty well. He comes over as a bit serious and quirky rather than autistic. He has made huge efforts - he has baked birthday cakes for people, bought them birthday presents, held a dinner party. But in return people refuse to even go out for a walk with him. He's now spent six days without a single human interaction. Every suggestion he's made to meet up has been ignored or rejected. When he admitted to someone he thought he got on with that he was alone in a flat and had spoken to no one for days and felt lonely, she just responded with a sad face and left the conversation.

I feel sick with sadness for him. He is a lovely boy. He is very funny and kind and has loads of interests. He just wants to be able to hang out in a group - he's not demanding or attention seeking. He feels like there is something wrong with him and I can't persuade him otherwise. He refuses to come home and hangs on in hope that someone might agree to go for a walk with him.

Uni has said he can bubble with another flat but he doesn't know anyone well enough. He says even if he did bubble he'd still have to be invited into the flat and can't see that happening. They don't seem to care at all about his well being.

What can he do to turn this around, and what can I do to help him?

OP, can you objectively see anything he may be doing that might put people off wanting to hang out with him?

And if so is there any way of giving him advice on this without hurting his feelings?

FYI I am very quite socially awkward and have some sensory processing issues, but am not on the autism spectrum.

As an adult I can now look back and see how some of my behaviour may have prevented people from wanting to spend time with me.

Hi op, very moved to hear about your son. I would also suggest moving flats - isolation is soul-destroying. My ds has just moved flat and if he hadnt he might have left. Anyone can be in his situation and these times are so hard on young people. My ds did have to push to move. I believe (may be wrong) that if you do leave before the end of the first term you are still ok for your loan for 3 years. Maybe he could return next September if the uni agree. I dont think they want students to leave. My ds said he might be forced to leave if they wouldnt move him. Anyway all the best to you both - he sounds like a great guy and I'm sure he will find his people.

OP that’s great your son asked people and I feel for him so much that they said no. Do encourage him to reach out to Learning Support. The best LD depts have ASD-specific services. So depending on what they offer, your DS’s may be able to provide him with mentoring which could help with how to form and maintain friendships.

Slight improvement in his situation. He's come home for a night and seems more relaxed but is heading back tomorrow. Has seen two people briefly - one for a walk and another for a quick coffee but also has plans to do some music rehearsing with someone he met earlier in the term who got in touch with him (he's a good musician) to record something together.

And I contacted the chaplaincy who also say they have been in touch with him though he hasn't mentioned it and I didn't ask. When I asked how things were he said he just wanted to be at home and enjoy relaxing here so we've not discussed it.

The chaplaincy have flagged his lack of a bubble with student welfare office too. So maybe things are starting to look up for him... Thank you to PP for suggesting the chaplaincy. They do seem to care.

@Calcifer12 - hard to say without being there. I suspect he got quite down and didn't hide it, so if they were all also struggling with feeling low during lockdown, and also a bit homesick, they maybe wanted to spend time with more upbeat people. He can drain the energy in a room when he's low - his voice and body language get very flat.

Or my Dbro was honest with me and said that he was a slightly unsettling combination of very shy but over enthusiastic. The sort of person who might say nothing all evening and then suddenly announce: Let's go for a walk! Nothing wrong with being quiet or with being the driver of social situations but when you put the two together, it may seem weird as it's a bit hard to work out what sort of person you're dealing with. Just a guess.

OP, I know you are saying he'd nothing like the stereotypical Sheldon type of autistic person but reading between the lines he also isn't "passing" properly. Has he mentioned that he is autistic or a partial disclosure along the lines of "sorry if I come across as a bit intense, I have some social challenges, just tell me I am being a bit OTT"? That might re-settle those around him.

However I can't stress enough that the way to go is into the neurodiverse student community. Not all autistic students are studying physics or computing (as you know, your son isn't). That's where it's more likely he'll find people who fully accept him, who don't care if he isn't interacting for some of the time or not holding eye contact or too drained to join an event. This idea that autistic people find it hard to make friends is usually because they have never had a chance to develop friendships with other Neurodiverse people, who really "get" them and vice versa.

Really glad OP to hear there’s been a bit of an improvement and he’s met up with others and has plans to.

Thanks Juno.

@RosesforMama - there's truth in what you say but I don't know if he is ready to hear it. He told me he's discovered he's quite extrovert - he loves parties so not being invited to them is painful when he sees them going on around him. He is very young (only just eighteen) and not emotionally mature enough yet to want to hang out with people who get him. He wants to be in with the cool crowd. It will sort itself out, eventually.

Some positive updates. He has been invited to a party. (I know they shouldn't, but they've all been nowhere except Halls since lockdown began as everywhere is shut and all classes online, and there have been no cases in their accommodation for weeks.)

Also a few students sent an email around expressing concern that they were each living alone in flats where their flatmates had never moved in due to online learning. They've asked to be moved into a flat together and he was included in the email. He says he's never met any of them but will try and get together with them for coffee or a walk over the next few days and see if he gets on well enough with them to push for a share. I really hope so.

That’s such good news @Labobo
💪

Thank you @CovidAnni.

That sounds positive! Fingers crossed.

Yay ‘ a party ‘ that’s great news

Oh @Labobo that's good news. My kids were musical and it's the best thing for making friends. Well done you for encouraging it when your DS was younger.
My DD lives in London now and mourns the fact she can't play her instrument with others. Roll on that vaccine!

Most universities have a counselling service who will able to reach out to staff within his department - it may be that they can help get a buddy in a more senior year or get in touch with student housing to see if he can move flat.

It's really common in first year, first term, even without the pandemic and it can take many people a while to find their feet - I was exactly the same and in term three everything just fell into place and I went on to have a really brilliant 9 years of university life.

There's a six month waiting list for the uni counselling service . Student welfare got him a second year 'buddy' who spoke to him once and all she said was, 'well lockdown is hard for everyone.' The truth is, no 19-year old coping with lockdown herself is emotionally equipped to help a fresher with special needs. It's too much to ask.

Luckily he already has a counsellor but not attached to uni so they can't put any pressure on the uni to restructure the accommodation so all the lone students are rehoused together.

Luckily he already has a counsellor but not attached to uni so they can't put any pressure on the uni to restructure the accommodation so all the lone students are rehoused together.

They absolutely can - it is really common for students to receive supporting evidence from external sources.

Oh it’s phenomenally hard! I remember my first year at uni, it was nothing like I thought it would be! My first halls flat was silent and nobody socialised at all. I ended up asking student support to move me and they did. I was tons happier when I moved at it was much more sociable. But it was still hard, so much pressure and having to choose flat mates and a flat by January was awful. I am very sociable and never have trouble making friends but everyone was so utterly different that it was hard. I can’t imagine doing it along with HFA. Sounds like your son cannot shift from his expectation of what his uni experience would be... i do recommend moving flats if he can live with others, relationships will develop more naturally a remove some of the pressure from the meet ups he had. Does he act different under pressure? If he gets one opportunity to go for a walk with someone that’s a lot of pressure on half an hour or so, maybe he just needs it to be more casual

So pleased to hear the better news OP, and hope things continue to improve for him.

@Dyno - thank you. I didn't know that. I will mention it to him. Though he is still struggling to see that his isolation is massively due to circumstance not some failing in himself, which makes me sad for him. Until he decodes pressure needs to be put on the uni to change his living arrangements, no one else can move on his behalf. The counsellor can't if he won't tell them. Maybe he will do something over Christmas.

decides not decodes

Term has ended on a real low note for him. I don't know what to do. After zero contact with anyone fore days he sent out a cheery message suggesting meeting up for drinks or dinner before the end of term. Turns out they all have parties to go to with people he doesn't know (because he's had no extended socialisation because there's no one in his flat!) I'm trying to persuade him to come home early. The idea of him alone in his room while they all party around him makes me feel sick inside.

I am so so upset that his optimistic, excited start to uni life has been ground down by isolation and online everything and no societies running and not a single flat mate. I wish he'd drop out and start again next year but he's very resilient and won't. He'll see his friends, but they've all been partying and had a great first term despite covid so he might end up feeling even worse and blaming himself even more. He just doesn't seem to realise how much living alone at the end of two dark, empty corridors has impacted on his ability to just mix and get to know people.

I really feel for both of you. When is he coming home? I can see from my own ds in roughly similar circumstances a strong tendency to self blame. And even when he does realise that it’s physical isolation that is the real culprit, he seems to forget that so quickly - it just doesn’t stick

He also sounds an absolutely lovely young man who just needs to meet a range of people to find the ones he likes - and is in completely the wrong situation for this to happen through no fault of his own. I am sure he is not the only one who has experienced this dreadful isolation this term