The CDE of University Life (2019/20 cohort) - assignments, flat-hunting, Halloween and the end of their first term fast approaching

[NewModelArmyMayhem18]

Previous thread - Obvs the end of term is looming sooner for some than for others? I guess the Oxbridge posse will finish by the end of November or just into December?

@Bouledeneige, your poor DD and you must be very worried about her. My DGodD had lots of knockbacks this time last year with finding a group to share with for this year (Though no bf to add to the mix) Her mum/dad/DD and friends from home encouraged her to dig deep and she and the other girl who was left out eventually found a couple of others to share with. Hopefully your DD can keep going and find a group to share with.

@Benjispruce, DD has gone back after Carni (BH weekend) both years. But others have lived there all summer and worked.

No news of houses from DS - think/hope he's focusing on getting essays done for deadlines approaching?!

It's unlikely to be a comfort to your dd, but I think that is not that uncommon a pattern either - new arrivals stick together so you feel that you've formed "a great new group of friends" (and a feeling of 'at last I've found my people!' which, particularly if things have been tricky sometimes at school, is a great feeling ) - and then after a couple of months things tail off, large groups break into smaller ones, and people get involved in their societies/clubs/course groups, and drift off from the group, so that can be a great disappointment.

No help to dd, but it can help as dparents to know that this is not that unusual.

With the ex bf in the mix that must be even harder for dd.

Now may not be the right time to suggest it, but in a couple of days could she and the other flatmate think about approaching a couple of others to join a foursome share next year? Does the other flatmate have any suggestions from her coursemates?

@MrKlaw I would have thought so unless paying a 'retainer fee'. I guess rentals in some very touristy towns/cities (including Bath) may be let short-term over the summer vacation period?

@Bouledeneige your poor DD. I guess to make the 'every cloud has a silver lining' point regarding finding a suitable group with whom to share next year. Although she probably feels rejected by her current flatmates, they clearly aren't her type of people. Sure she and the other one she is friendly with will do better by waiting a bit.

If you are paying full rent rather than just a deposit and reservation fee then you are entitled to live in it from when rental commences so I think storing your stuff should be fine. The only thing I would check is contents insurance as there is usually some rules on how long your property is allowed to be empty without informing them so they can adjust your premium for the risk.

Bouledeneige - could you go up and stay with your DD for a day or two and pamper her a bit? Lots of chats and bolstering up?

@Bouledeneige, poor DD. Eight is a huge number of people sharing and there are bound to be a few hiccups before the rental is over. I can see why she wouldn't want to live with just this 1 other girl but just imagine how many others are in a similar situation. If they jointly found a 4-5 bed place and advertised in uni for flatmates they would probably be inundated with applicants. She shouldn't feel rejected. These are "fellow travellers" rather than friends.
I stuck with my 1st year flatmates in 2nd Yr but we soon drifted apart and I never saw or heard from any of them again.

Bouledeneige I would suggest visiting your DD too. Mine had a very tough patch right at the start of college, and I spent a few days there. I didn't see her a huge amount, but I listened a lot, took her out for some nice meals, and generally let her know she was loved.

Thanks for you advice folks. I will take them on board. She's been home twice in the last couple of weeks so I'm trying to discourage her coming home again. We also went up a few weeks ago and stayed in a posh hotel. I did offer up go up at the weekend but I don't want to isolate her too much from opportunities to go out and see friends.

The advertising point is very good. I also suggested seeing if the student union have a matching service for people looking to join forces.

It's all way too soon and I don't think most of her housemates were going to be her forever friends. Still just a bad combination of feeling rejected.

I didn't go to University so I really don't have a clue ! But this seems way to early to be planning who to live with next year ... it's like when you start a job with a whole training group of people ... you all gel because you don't know anyone else .. then it takes 2 years to shake them off !!
DS is in Nottingham and either completely laid back, clueless or in denial about somewhere to live next year ... he shares a flat at Broadgate Park with 6 others and says none of them have thought about it ... I have been asking him to think about it to no effect .... should he be looking ??

@Alicatz66 - DS is in Broadgate Park too, and his block have been chatting about arrangements for next year. He is going to be sharing with the other 2 lads from his current flat, plus one other from upstairs. Then the girls in his flat have teamed up with another couple of girls in the same block. DS always seems to come out of things ok - he is very laid back and that probably helps.
Lenton appears to be the area of choice.
Sounds like there is loads of property and choices around and stuff will continue to come on the market throughout the year.
We are paying exactly the same as his Broadgate Park accomodation - almost like the landlords know what parents will pay!

@Bouledeneige - I hope your DD is ok. My DD struggles to find her tribe too (though she is a bit younger). We've had similar convos about why does nobody want to hang out with her. It breaks my heart, and I have some idea of how you feel.
Some of the ideas around looking to student services to see if there are other people that need a group to live with sound like a good plan. Sometimes it is good to focus on the practical stuff.
Good luck to your DD xx

Thanks @blametheparents .. my DS is super laid back too and things always seem to work themselves out ! .. thanks for the advice re the rent .. useful to know ! .. We are moving house in 3 weeks so he will come back for Xmas hols to a different place! ... Will have a snoop around Lenton next time we see him.

Ditto suggestions to visit your DD @Bouledeneige
This is every parent of a student's nightmare. My DD has also struggled over the years to find her "tribe", then when she finds it people move on. It is hard.

I am finding on MN and on "that" Facebook page that everyone's DC are either having a ball and loving university (are they really?) or hating it and are miserable. She neither loves nor hates being at university. Surel this must be situation normal?

Do the students who profess to love university have very few contact hours and find the work easy?

I've been hesitating to return to this thread (having been around either posting or lurking since the start), but seeing Bouledeneige's post here goes. My DD is withdrawing from her course - she feels she chose the wrong subject, asked to change, but was told any change had to be made within the first three weeks (she's at Cardiff). That seemed quite harsh, as she said she didn't want to throw in the towel without giving it a proper try. It felt like the final straw for her - although she is British she didn't grow up in the UK and has found the whole heavy drinking culture among freshers a massive culture shock. She gets on OK with her flatmates, who have all been perfectly friendly, but regard her as something of another species - she can't understand why their idea of fun is to drink until they are sick. She's valiantly stuck it out, but was very down when we saw her and feels she's really made a mistake. In the end, after much discussion we all decided it was much better for her to cut her losses, come home and apply again for a different course next year (possibly to another university and she may even look at studying at home in Paris - something she didn't want to consider before). She's coming home next week and has been spending her final week investigating another course - including attending some lectures to get a proper feel for it and looking at different halls of residence. I feel she may have been happier in a more traditional hall - living on a corridor instead of in a flat possibly part-catered (again something she wouldn't have considered when applying first time). It felt like a disaster when she first told me how she felt, but as time goes by it feels more like a false start and a huge learning experience. To be honest I'm glad she felt she could speak out and by cutting her losses and leaving before Christmas she won't have incurred too many costs and will have time to plan what she wants to do next September.

I do feel surprisingly better writing it all down on here - and also slightly teary having been here this time last year all the way through the application process.

Do the students who profess to love university have very few contact hours and find the work easy?

Mine has a fairly tough workload, but that's what she prefers. She's a nerd like that. She loves to be busy. She has band rehearsals 5-7pm, four nights a week, acapella rehearsals 9.30-11pm three nights a week, plus shows.

She did come from a very academically challenging boarding school, so she's used to a heavy workload and living away from home. For her university is more of the same, but with much more freedom.

She is partying a bit, but in that American, not-particularly-alcoholic way.

LillianGish my oldest is at a US college where they don't really focus on alcohol in order to have fun. I do think it takes away a lot of pressure if you're not a big drinker.

I hope your DD finds a better option for next year, and I'm glad you all can see it as a learning experience. I changed course, but not college, after my first year, and I am forever glad I made that decision.

If your DD considers applying to US universities at all I would be happy to answer any questions.

It's all way too soon and I don't think most of her housemates were going to be her forever friends. Still just a bad combination of feeling rejected.

Poor love - I can well imagine how she feels. I do think she's had a lucky escape, but it must feel horrible right now.

@LillianGish that is a brave decision but maybe in retrospect Cardiff was not the best choice for an overseas based student.

@Bouledeneige sorry she is having a tough time . FwIw I doubt the 8 will be lasting friends. Similar happened in my fresher year friendship group. It was difficult to find a larger property for 6/7 locally so 4 of us split off and there was fall out. There should be a fair organised by SU or Accommodations office after Christmas with local letting agents etc and ds uni had an online chatboard where vacancies and housemate required ads were posted. He ended up filling gaps with people he vaguely knew in second and third years who all went separate ways afterwards.

Ds had July - July lets, so could stay or leave stuff there over summer (get insurance) . Some holiday areas offer September starts and it is let out over summer.

I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for your DD @LillianGish.

Unfortunately far too many British students think that going to university is free for all non stop partying. It will come back and bite them though.

DD's friendship group are sociable, but aren't heavy drinkers. They don't party hard, they just do things like go to quiz nights, go to the odd party, cook together etc. Pre-drinking isn't really a "thing" in her friendship group. Some of DD's flatmates are dedicated party goers, but so far it hasn't caused problems because DD isn't the only one who hates clubbing.

I think your DD was very unlucky with her flatmates, and it's a pity that university accommodation organisers don't take likes and dislikes into account when allocating accommodation. At Newcastle it really was luck of the draw.

Wow this thread is very busy. I never thought it would be so hard for myself my daughter going to university. She found it really hard to begin and really did not get on with her flat. She went for quiet but thas now moved to more normal residency and even though it is a busier area her flat is so much better and she is getting on well with everyone. She split up with her boyfriend a couple weeks in so that's been hard as they always talked. She has started a part time job which actually means she wont be home for much time over the Christmas now which I'm a but sad about but she is not too far away so we can visit as well. So much change for us all. Also she has hardly any money left hence the part time job.

@LillianGish @Ginfordinner
Your DD has been brave Lillian ... I do think she got unlucky with her flatmates
My DS rarely if ever drinks ... and I think there is a move away from alcohol with our DC generation ...
DS is into the gym and powerlifting, hence no booze .. I think the girls in his flat just think he's useful for carrying the shopping from Lidl !! ... He seems happy and settled enough ...
Shows more strength of character than just going along to the pre drinks to fit in

.... but he doesn't get his non drinking ways from me

@Alicatz66: Mine doesn't drink much either - but he's going to pub meet-ups for societies nonetheless. He's finding the 'I was so wasted' culture of many of the freshers in his college irritating, but I do think most of them will calm down soon - or run out of money!

I'm feeling so lucky that the question of who to share with next year is not an issue for him yet. He would definitely have found it really difficult to have found a group at this point. His college has flats for all of the second years in one place, and they get into groups of three and enter a ballot for them in February (I think). By that time they should be clearer about friendship groups, and given that they are all together it shouldn't matter too much if their flat mates are their very best friends or not. I think his main priorities will be people who are quiet.

@LillianGish - I'm really sorry that your DD has had such a bad time: it does sound like she has reached the best decision for her.

@Witchend: thank you so much for your suggestion about asking if DS could leave stuff in college storage over Christmas vac because of DH's health situation: he asked and they said yes, which is a huge relief!