The CDE of University Life (2019/20 cohort) - assignments, flat-hunting, Halloween and the end of their first term fast approaching

[NewModelArmyMayhem18]

Previous thread - Obvs the end of term is looming sooner for some than for others? I guess the Oxbridge posse will finish by the end of November or just into December?

@LillianGish I think the fact your DD was able to discuss how unhappy she was with you, rather than putting on a brave face & struggling on with the wrong course for her is testament to what a great relationship you must have. I really hope she finds a course and uni she enjoys for next year. At least she has a much better idea of what sort of university experience she doesn't want.

My DS changed courses and uni at the last minute through clearing and then gave living on campus a go but he really hated it and moved home. Fortunately he is able to commute and carry on with the course which I think he's enjoying (but he's not terribly forthcoming). I still hope that he will find his crowd at uni but I do wonder if he might have benefited from a year's breathing space after a'levels (although I suspect he might just have dithered for another year!).

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages and encouragement - it has made me cry. Love this thread which has always been so supportive. I don't think DD's time at Cardiff has been wasted - she has learned a huge amount from it and I think it's a testament to her that she managed to rub along so well with her flatmates that when she announced she was leaving they were all really disappointed she wouldn't be there to move into a house with them next year! They all went off to get a tattoo this afternoon - DD declined the offer. She definitely has a clearer idea about what she wants now - or at least what she doesn't want.

Bless your dd lilian! I am sure she will move on and upwards! It will probably be the making of her. Which subject was she doing?

That's big news Lillian and very brave of your DD. Hope all works out well for you all.

That’s a hard but brave thing to do @LillianGish and I’m sure is right for your DD in the long run. Must be even harder being in another country let alone another town or city. Good luck to her!

She was doing philosophy and economics. Hated the economics and also found doing dual honours across two different schools difficult and disjointed. All good lessons for the future and something she could never have known without actually going and trying. She’s thinking of applying again for Social Science and is using the time before she leaves to go to some lectures and find out more about the course - much easier on the spot than over the Internet.

Thank you all for your advice which I've taken on board. I've booked to go and see on her Saturday overnight and some treats. I was reluctant to do too much because the last 3 weeks - we visited, and then the next 2 weekends she came home so I'm anxious it disconnects her more from new friends/ opportunities. We keep talking, talking. She is very tearful and low. More shit presented itself overnight from her ex boyfriends' ex girlfriend (before her) calling and them finding out what a liar and cheat he was. So hurtful.

Somehow I've got to re-build her. She is normally reasonably strong but feels like the ground has been taken from beneath her. She is not herself and so rejected. My breezy sunshine girl is in a puddle.

@Bouledeneige I was wondering if your DD could team up with the other sensible girl and go to student welfare and get support for a change in accommodation? Perhaps you could go with them? I think you have good grounds to seek a move. Some unis have ‘non-drinking’ flats and many have gaps by now that could be filled.

@LillianGish so sorry to hear about your DD’s bad experience. I can assure you that not all girls are like that! My two DDs, both first years have too much work to do to do any partying or drinking at all.

@SchrodingersKitty glad it's sorted

@LillianGish sorry to hear that your DD hasn't enjoyed her time at Cardiff. Many a time a 'stumble' in life can lead on to better things. It is also a very positive thing that she does know her mind and what she wants. I hope she finds the course and university that are right for her.

As others have said, there are lots of our DC who are not drinkers/drug takers, so she is not alone. I do agree that the 'going out on the lash' culture is unfathomable. I cannot remember it being such a thing when I was a student unless involved in sporting teams.

@Piggywaspushed well you never know!

I hope your DD starts to feel more positive soon @Bouledeneige.

Somehow I've got to re-build her. She is normally reasonably strong but feels like the ground has been taken from beneath her......My breezy sunshine girl is in a puddle You could be describing my DD when we went to see her two weeks ago Bouldeneige. She was wiped out by trying to put on a brave face, desperately hoping things would get better. Does yours at least like her course? So difficult to see them like that.

@LillianGish, very brave of your DD. I know a frIends DD took an unconditional offer from Cardiff, but wasn't one for the drinking/clubbing culture and the course wasn't exactly right for her so she dropped out at Xmas but was able to transfer to a similar course near home and is now very happy. Will your DD reapply to Cardiff?
It also sounds like your DD is making great use of her time to check out different courses. DSs ex-gf is doing a dual honours and she said she seems to get double the work and deadline clashes, etc. So a single honours might be better.

@Ginfordinner, in my DCs experience, the number of contact hours dont seem to be linked to the amount of drinking! Both my DC are doing Arts subjects (So get a paltry number of contact hours for the same fees as STEM) but have to be self-motivated to go to the library and do hours and hours of reading. So it is not an easier option, though slightly more flexible.
Also, the drinking will lessen a bit next term and more in the summer term as Summatives and exams start to happen. And similarly less partying in the second and then third year.

in my DCs experience, the number of contact hours dont seem to be linked to the amount of drinking!

Dd has almost 4 days a week contact and still manages to drink absolutely loads

Will your DD reapply to Cardiff? possibly. In some ways it feels like better the devil you know - she has the chance to really check out the social science course she wants to transfer onto, she has been looking at other smaller, quieter halls of residence and she has made a few friends on her philosophy course so if she went back she would know a few people right from the start. On the other hand it’s not been a good experience this year so I can understand why she might be reluctant to go back. She’s looking at Royal Holloway and a few other places. Cardiff would have given her a deferred place which in many ways would have been simpler, but I think it’s important to look at all options. She’s also going to look at universities in Paris - many of her friends have taken this option and are living at home. The deadline for applications in France is much later so she has time to think about this.

Her friends would be in the year above and would leave before her. Might not be much fun.

Lilian - I've been too wrapped in my DD's misery to comment on your DD's decision. It seems a very mature one and that she has handled it well. Do you know what she will do for the rest of the year when she comes home?

My DD sounded a bit better last night. She was with the other 'rejectees' and she sounded stronger. A bit more 'fuck em' attitude will help. A girl on her course who she's friends with said she can live with her group if she needs to. I'm not sure how solid that is but its made her feel a bit better.

I've booked us into a nice hotel on Saturday and got us tickets for a comedy club. I've also enquired about massages for us both (though I doubt I will get them this last minute). Cross fingers. I'm pretty emotionally exhausted myself.

@Bouledeneige - I’m very sorry to hear what a difficult time your DD is having.

Is intercalation something you/she have considered? If it really does look as though she will struggle to get past this in time to engage with her course this term then it may be that taking a year out would give her an opportunity to get herself back together.

Whatever you/she decide, I hope all works out as well as possible for her.

That’s true Trewsers (great name). It was more the idea that she would know at least a few other people in the city - everyone in her flat seemed to know someone else at the university, none of them are living that far from home (Wales or West Country). I think if she’d known even one other person when she first arrived she wouldn’t have felt life in her flat was the be all and end all.

Do you know what she will do for the rest of the year when she comes home? It’s a good question and one of the reasons she didn’t have a year off in the first place. She will spend the weeks up to Christmas reapplying to UCAS for Jan 15 deadline and investigate French options then hopefully get some sort of part time job (easier said than done in Paris - it’s not one thing French kids are encouraged to do though she used to do a bit of babysitting and English coaching so maybe she can build on this). She might do a short art course - something she loves, but never had time for while she was at school. If she can earn some money then she might take a trip somewhere. To be honest, I think the most important thing is to have a good hard think about what she wants to do next to avoid another false start.

I’m glad your DD is sounding a bit better Bouledeneige - it definitely takes time. My DD has carried on trying to meet people through her course and though clubs - she went to the French Society for the first time this week to try and feel more at home. I think if the university had let her switch courses she might have stuck it out - in the end it was the combined factors of course and flat that were too much.

I think she should give it more time before she makes a big decision. She's not yet given it a chance and I think starting again could be daunting after this. She already had a year at home doing her foundation course and that wasn't always easy - with all her friends off at uni. She is 19 now so I'm not sure about her starting again from scratch next year. But all the options remain open- she got into a number of art schools (one her ex BF is at so that's a no go - it was her who chose not to go there with him - back when she felt strong and brave). I know her and I think she will feel a failure if she gives up now and comes home to nothing. She will care what other people think too, That's understandable.

Anyway, it's day by day right now. I have a fun work do this evening and am then meeting a friend to drown my sorrows so I am looking forward to that. It's tough doing it on my own (though I've been in touch with her Dad to ask him to speak to her and support her too. His track record on fidelity is poor so he might not be the best source of credible help to her re her boyfriend woes!).

I know her - I think this is key Bouledeneige. You sound like a lovely mum. If she likes her course you are right to encourage her to stick it out. It's great that you can pop up to see her for moral support. Good luck to her and to you - so difficult supporting grown up kids. I'm looking enviously at friends with kids who are still in primary school - everything seemed much simpler then when they just went where you sent them and you bought their rucksacks for them

@Bouledeneige: I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter's upsetting time. Speaking with my other hat on (as a Uni professor rather than a fellow worried mum), I think you are absolutely right not to be thinking in terms of her interrupting her degree over this. It is only the beginning of the first year, and any disruption of her studies now will have negligible effects in the long run.

There is a lot of support there if she feels able to seek it out. There are official routes through the student support services, but she can also speak to her personal tutor or any of the other tutors she has found amenable (in their office hours). They will be really used to students talking to them about these issues and they can offer reassurances and may have practical suggestions too (referring her to specific services, offering work extensions, etc).

Pretty much every student will experience relationship issues and friendship and housing ructions over the course of their degree. It is really hard, but I suppose it is part of the life-experience they are there to get, and they will be stronger once out the other side. But I know it is so painful to go through it with them.

@Bouledeneige Most cities have an official university approved website for accommodation. These often advertise rooms left within a house, people looking for house mates etc. This is the Manchester one:
www.manchesterstudenthomes.com/Accommodation
Also there will be lots of individual rooms advertised later in the year when some students will decide not to return next year.

@LillianGish my DD1 dropped out of her course at Easter in the first year, after giving it a good go - she knew within a month that is was the wrong course for her. She got a part-time job at home and reapplied for a new course at a different university where she had a fantastic time and a very different experience. She graduated a few months ago.