How involved should you be once child at uni

[swimmer4]

Son isn’t revising for exams. Do we say anything?

How do you know he isn't revising? There are often fewer lectures in term three and so even spending plenty of time revising they might still have some free time?
If he was a first year I would say something. First year results often (not always) don't count towards the degree. However it gets harder in the second and third year. If he wants to continue at uni and not do resits in summer then I'd give him a nudge. Not much more than that you can do.

You can't be overly involved at this stage in his life. He's an adult now - in age if not in behaviour - and he has to learn The consequences of his actions or lack of them.

Yes, remind him he needs to revise or he maybe won't progress to the second year. However, other than that it's up to him now.

I think it depends on how much you're contributing financially

Thanks Grassyass & Montypontypine. He’s in 2nd year & still has course work to do too. Hate to watch the wheels fall off but they are

Unfortunately, it's up to him now, all you can really do is spell out the consequences and leave him to it. As others have said, though, just because he seems to be endlessly partying, it doesn't mean he's not working too.

If he's a first year, there's the possibility that he will fail the year and either have to retake some exams in the summer break or, worse, have to start again as a first year next year. This happened to one of ds's housemates.

Hereatnumber7 thanks. We are contributing but saying ‘get on with it’ hasn’t worked in the past.

He's an adult. If he has got to this stage already he is more than capable of sorting out his revision. You really need to get on with your own life and become less anxious about a grown up whether he is your child or not.

DS was like this. Thought it’d all magically come together at exam time. It didn’t! He had to resit in first and second years but by third year had finally realised he had to do some work, study, revise.
Keep checking up on him OP!

It’s an interesting question. The government assume/expect financial contribution but the universities won’t have anything to do with parents (just some generic info on their websites). This is unfair. Also, students go from schools and colleges where they are monitored, tracked and supported to within an inch of their lives to ‘off you go you’re on your own now’. I think parents should support, get involved, encourage, give a kick up the backside etc - after all that’s what caring families are about (I’m not talking about interfering or controlling parents that can’t let go). These are young people, not mature adults.

Do you have any idea why he isn't revising? I think other replies are assuming he's too busy with student life and partying, but I don't think you actually say this. Even though he's an adult he's still growing up - I certainly still needed occasional moral support and practical help from my parents throughout my university time and beyond.

I would try and (tactfully) find out why he's not working. Is it about not being able to find a reasonable study/life balance? Not managing the workload? Depression? Not enjoying the course? Worries about some other aspect of life? Problems with friendships/relationships? It might help if he can talk it over with someone, not necessarily you, but at least you could make him aware that you're there if he wants to talk, or you might be able to suggest some other ways to get support e.g. talking to tutor if he's having difficulty managing his workload, or university counselling service if that sounds appropriate.

Overly involved parents are this stage of their child's life is not healthy. They need to be responsible for themselves.

The government assume/expect financial contribution but the universities won’t have anything to do with parents (just some generic info on their websites). This is unfair.

It is against data protection laws for universities to share information about (adult) students without their explicit permission.

It is not against the law for universities to share information with parents if the students give their explicit permission. Very few students give such permission.

I was very involved with mine, but she has mental health issues- I held her hand (virtually) during all her exams. But in more usual circumstances I honestly don’t think there’s much you can or should do beyond making sure that they know your support is there if they ask for it. It must be incredibly frustrating though........

I think the role of parents at this stage is to be there when asked, to guide and advise and ultimately to provide a soft landing if the wheels fall off. But as pp have said they are adults and should know what the consequences are of not doing what is required at Uni.

I don't think an attitude of "we are paying therefore you must work" is quite right. It's our choice to contribute financially so I don't think this is something we should hold over our student's head. However he knows full well that if he drops out then the plug gets pulled financially (but not practically IYSWIM).

After GCSE and A level I've actually found it quite refreshing not to have to nag about revision!!

I very much doubt you saying anything will make any difference. Not sure how much his second year will count for the overall degree- maybe if he doesn't do very well and so has to do resits he will pull his finger out for the third year?

Ophelialovescats, I hear what you’re saying but he really isn’t ‘the finished article’ yet. He has turned to us when he hits a crisis so does what us on occasion for emotional support. So it’s very difficult to watch him from afar heading for another fall.

The government assume/expect financial contribution but the universities won’t have anything to do with parents

That's not true. I have had meetings with parents, with and without my tutees, and our welfare people do so more frequently. We have also agreed to cc parents into communications. We are not unusual in this. At another university where one of my children had mental health problems the university regarded us as partners in providing support. This isn't some backdoor thing the university doesn't support: it is regarded as, where appropriate, best practice.

However, what we cannot do is talk to parents without the student's consent. And properly so. Employers won't talk to the parents of their adult employees without consent either; in fact, most of them won't with consent.

Thanks Llangennith, that’s helpful to know. We have mentioned retaking year so he knows he has our support regardless. And so glad it turned alright for your DS in the end. It’s just hard to watch the ‘wheels falling off’.

Alienspaceship, I’m not sure how to get the balance right as DS is not much of a talker so I end up filling phonecall time with then sounds like a big nag.

OP, then he will turn to you if he needs support in this instance. Let it be his call. You really have to trust him to
sort things out at this stage of his life or he will never be the 'finished article'

Has he asked for any study support?

Purplegreen99, you read between the lines perfectly!! We have supported him in the past to get support and he has had sessions at uni. He struggles with juggling life, his emotions, course work, revision, uni friends & girl friend. His coping mechanism tends to be ‘stick head in sand’ until it gets too much. Unfortunately he doesn’t carry out the advice given for long enough for it to become good habits. ‘I’m fine’ is his usual response.

From uni that is not you.

I think he is clearly not suited to doing this degree. Second year often does count and few degrees are all on final exams these days. With a history of retakes, he’s not really fully engaged, for what ever reason.

I think it’s a shame he gets to late April before he has realised he has a problem again. I would have thought the problems in y1 might have led to a revaluation of his course and whether he was suited to it.

I am not sure what you can do other than support him. Parents used to pay for maintenance so it’s not a new concept. No parent got near a university 25 plus years ago. You cannot do the degree for him but discussing his future may be worthwhile if he cannot pull it round. If he does continual retakes does this affect the degree classification? At some universities it is capped to a 2/2. At DDs the mark was capped at 40%. I would check this out prior to any discussions with him. Are you spending good money after bad for something fairly worthless?

The parents of one of DDs friends made their contribution in the second year dependent on him knuckling down in his first. (For various reasons they worried that he might not do enough to get a reasonable degree.) It worked. He knew he had to make a reasonable effort so did. Indeed started really enjoying his course. And if he had not he would have probably had to defer for a year and either save or grow up and regain their trust. Both better outcomes than failing second year.

But OP, I dont know the answer. One friends son ended up repeating his second year. By his third year he got the hang of university but by then the damage had been done. He did so well in his third year that despite low marks previously he almost scraped a 2.1. A pity.