How involved should you be once child at uni

[swimmer4]

Son isn’t revising for exams. Do we say anything?

Newcastle is very very popular now with the party lovers.

And yes to the middle class kids arriving with a gang of mates from home. All my kids have encountered this. It can be a little alienating.

I don’t think Bristol, UCL, Durham universities (and others) are a modern fashion.

I agree.

But I guess (from the academic viewpoint) what is surprising is that the list of "preferred" universities doesn't always coincide with those that are actually the "best", as measured by quality of academic research. For many subjects it's not, for example, true that these universities are just a bit behind Oxbridge. For my own subject Bristol and Durham come ~15-20 in measurements of research quality, so it's quite strange that students rank them just behind Oxbridge. (Research does directly feed into education.) Fair enough that UCL is ranked comparable to Oxbridge for my subject area, because according to most measures it really is.

But anyway, back to swimmer4, dd's first Finals exam is on Thursday. I have sent her flat a cake and I will make sure I am available as a sounding board and a debriefing listening ear all week. Yes,I agree she shouldn't need it, but she probably will. And I see no reason why I should not offer something she currently needs as a point of principle!

Sorry-pressed send too soon. So be as available as you possibly can be /want to be to your son. And maybe push a little bit. It can do no harm-and might well do a lot of good.

It just shows students make choices of university for all sorts of reasons. Not all of it based on academics.Sometimes it is where you feel comfortable.

Kent produced the highest flying alumni from my old class at school, but she had impeccable family connections! When I was young, there was no university of Hull! At my grammar school, only about 3/5 went to university anyway and plenty left at 16. Looking back at DH's grammar school results, (his Mum kept all the school's newsletters) the number of boys who "only" did 2 A Levels as also surprisingly high. They went to Polytechnics and flourished. This school is now a top performing grammar school - expectations change.

I do hope, swimmer, that you can have a full and frank discussion with your DS. Listen to him, if he will speak to you. Sadly, not all students will, or feel able to, speak to parents or anyone else and I can quite see they do not want to express doubts to parents who are willing them to do well and making sacrifices to enable university attendance. It is very difficult to have some awareness of the wheels falling off but being unable to stop it happening.

Bubbles- blimey, you really must be old - unless i’ve got it wrong, the University of Hull’s been around for pushing 100 years!

Hull was a university when I did my A levels in 1977. Just checked. It was founded in 1927.

OK. I'm not that old. I thought it was a former poly!

Hull gained University status in 1954. However, I am still not that THAT old! Before that, it was a University College which awarded degrees from the University of London, not its own degrees. Apologies to all!

Thank you Tinklylittlelaugh

MillicentF- food has always been a good way in with DS!

Thanks riverpen. It’s great to have a student perspective.

Thanks Bubblesbuddy

user2018 no point was missed. When told train fares prevented travel to Oxbridge interviews I replied there was funding available as you yourself have confirmed, even if it doesn't stretch to UCL non medical interviews (which it should - that's very arbitrary).

I send presents at intervals to my DC when they're doing Finals (and at other times too, and see them regularly at uni) but a DC in trouble with a mental health crisis is a world away from being reached by flowers or chocolate. I'm mystified at how my saying some seriously affected DC might not be capable of being reached by parental intervention, however middle class, has turned into certain posters being excessively defensive about parental contact. I'm focussed on the need to be aware of the signs of descent into crisis, and how intractable that can be. A tearful interlude about work or flatmates is not on a par at all.

Goodbyestranger- you may be surprised to know that there are people on this thread who do know what it’s like to have a student child with serious mental health issues and do not need telling that they will not be cured with flowers or chocolate. Or a poster on the wall pointing out the available sources of help.

Curiously no one has mentioned the role of siblings. When DD had some problems, she had a long conversation with her older brother. He and I then talked about what I might do to help.

Stranger's DC have all attended the same University. Even if they have not seen a lot of each other they will have benefited from a familiarity with the University and an accessible family support network. It is different for first born.

DD doesn't have any siblings to support her. I kind of get the impression that Stranger's children have experienced some of the problems that some of our DC have. I am happy to be corrected though.

Millicent you're making assumptions which it might be better that you didn't.

My post was incorrect. I get the impression that her children haven't experienced these problems. Please correct me if this isn't true.

Needmoresleep we're back to the fact that nothing at that superficial level (siblings) would touch a serious mental health crisis and with respect, your DD's problems with nightmare housemates doesn't even begin to come close to a crisis of profound depression. This thread is in danger of conflating the two and it's the latter sort of area that the OP seems to have concerns about, or may perhaps be seeing symptoms of, and it's about that level of issue that Bubbles and I are saying: don't miss the signs. Hopefully we're being alarmist - that would be good.

Lonicera please could you stop discussing my children.

I think it's a decision for each student. Some want more involvement from parents than others. I have tended to be led by the particular child. My older son wanted to be reminded about deadlines for essays even (!!!) which I did - he can find remembering things like that difficult and he found it very helpful. There is no way any of the other children would have wanted that kind of involvement.

Siblings can be helpful too. I certainly often direct my youngest to their older siblings as I think they set quite a bit of store by the siblings' views when they don't like mine. It's good if there are a variety of people they can turn to if there is an issue. I am sure there are some things they would never in a month of Sundays want to discuss with me.

I am duly ticked off.

Though in all honestly lost the thread of what you and Bubbles expect parents to do at the point when posters on the wall were mentioned. Serious mental health problems will require professional help, and I have deep sympathy for any parent going through this. Early warning signs though will be non attendence, failure to complete assignments, self-medication using alcohol or drugs, not eating or sleeping etc. None of which are unusual for students. University and being away from home is tough for many. Students at this point are unlikely to respond to posters on the wall. However first tier support from those around them (parents, siblings, old friends, sensible flatmates/coursemates, senior residents, sympathetic tutors) could go a long way to averting a crisis.

I have been guilty of ignoring OP. The difficult one is finding out what is going wrong. Part of the solution, but only part, might be to steer him towards someone he might talk to, like a relative or old friend. And if he wont, see it as another warning sign.

Needmoresleep I sometimes get the parallel universe feeling too.

Posters (which are literally everywhere) were mentioned when Millicent said students could only resist help if they knew it was available. My point - very simple - was that it's simply not possible to be unaware that services exist. Not that posters suffice, and I'm surprised you misconstrued. What do I 'expect' a parent to do? Well, sometimes it's too late for a parent to help if early signs are missed, sadly. Sometimes a parent simply can't help, because the mental health problem has taken a student away to a place too far away to be reached. I have no idea what the answer is, except that one thing a parent can do if they fear the worst and a DC goes off the radar for example, is to alert the university/ college authorities, since notifying someone to make a check doesn't breach and rules about confidentiality.

Yes, as I said above, OP's DS may be simply showing first stages of a manageable problem. In which case my response would be to dive in the car to go and see the DC in question, something I've often advised on these threads. If there's a really worrying turn of events signalling an imminent crisis then I'd ring the uni and ask someone to find the DC and check.