Humiliated Sons Exam results publicised

[Frances39]

My son received his A-level results this August and is about to head off to university. However his college which he attended in their assemblies have being showing his picture and results in all the assemblies. My son did very well despite several unfortunate happenings during his exams, however he did very mediocre compared to the rest of the leavers. In their assembly's they put up the A*AA etc. students up and those going to Oxford/Cambridge, then they went on to show my sons grades and his less prestigious university as some kind of charity case. My son has not left his room now for a couple of days since hearing about what the school did, he did not even tell his close friends what grades he got. He feels humiliated and violated that they would do such a thing without his consent and that he was contrasted with Oxbridge students. I have no idea what I should do, I will he contacting the school and maybe a solicitor. I cannot imagine what my son must be experiencing

Willow, and several people have said that it's entirely possible that it really was just showing different routes.

I can think of many situations where people have claimed one thing and it be different. For a start, that occasion when i was a student. Last year, when a team of us were keeping an eye on a class and 4 separate students claimed all sorts about their teacher being awful and yet 4 different members of staff found nothing when we monitored the group for months.

I still also can't help but wonder why if it was such a nasty, horrific assembly these people thought it would be a great idea to go and say 'by the way timmy school were awful about you. Let us tell you all the awful things they said'

The OP should absolutely talk to the school, but she should do it constructively without going in all guns blazing accusing them of doing all sorts.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Judgemental people will always be judgemental people though - you can't win with them. The same people who were all like 'Oh, why can't you be more like FTimeBuyer? She always gets such good grades and has a good job and blah blah blah' are now the ones, now that I'm six month's pregnant, going 'I can't believe FTimeBuyer is pregnant - I never pictured her as a mother'. Like I said, can't win.

(Sorry OP, well and truly on a tangent!)

If this is how you say, it's just appalling.

However, could it not be that the school is trying (cackhandedly) to celebrate someone who has 'triumphed against the odds'? I.e. "Frances jr did so well - he achieved these grades and a place at X university in spite of having significant health problems/a car accident" etc? I agree with you, however, that his consent should have been sought for this, especially if the circumstances in question are private.

I can remember a school assembly when one of our year group had died of a chronic disease, and the school used it as a chance to tell everyone that he never moaned about PE lessons, and we should all feel terrible about doing so. It was supposed to be a celebration of the boy's spirit, but it really just sounded like his death was being used to discipline the rest of us.

No school would EVER use an Assembly to SHAME a child...
How is this hard to understand.....
They were saying about how well children had done to get into UNI.
No one on this post was there it is all 2nd info...
The boy got great results, to get him into UNI, the one he wanted...
I would call and say it has upset him, but if you go the Solicitor or guns blazing route, your reinforcing your sons view of himself as a failure, even being on here and posting this your are colouring your own views of him as a victim....
Because that is what Williow is making him out to be, Teacher are people, they make mistakes where things are taken the wrong way, let your son move on and drop the subject... Because everyone else in the school forgot about it very soon afterwards.

However, could it not be that the school is trying (cackhandedly) to celebrate someone who has 'triumphed against the odds'?

This is what they were doing and I can see why they were. They were giving him a big pat on the back. Rightly so.

However, he has a different perspective and his perspective is the important one in all this.

Your son has stayed in his room for several days? Really?

I can't understand why so many posters are gain saying the School's motives -- how can you be so sure they were wholly considerate of the OP's DS? He wasn't present, having left the school, so the odds are they did not consider his feelings at all, that they had some ulterior motive of their own. If you wished to praise DS's achievement , surely they would have communicated this to him directly?
As it was DS's private info was disclosed to a large number of students and adults, most of whom would be unlikely to have per used any newspaper lists etc which might have been available in his area.
The shaming of a young person should not be taken so lightly by people. I just hope those posters who have expressed the view that this young lad should not be so sensitive and should get on with it were/are more compassionate to the young people in their lives.
I hope you get satisfactory answers from the school, OP. Do tell us how you get on.
Good luck

Your son has stayed in his room for several days? Really?

Do you not have a child like this? I do. See my other posts. You need to be careful and others who bluster about life and post pics, videos and think everyone is like them and can take everything in their stride....not everyone can. My daughter is one. If she had this done to her, I'd be furious!

Benedikte. I agree with almost all of what you say except I don't think the school were deliberately shaming him, just being a tactless and insensitive and stupidly not realising that this kind of info would be transmitted back to the poor lad.

He has been shamed by it and by people's reactions and you are right it should not be taken lightly. But what can be gained by doing more than letting the school know the result of their ill considered reaction. They didn't have his or his parents permission to publicise him in the assembly. They clearly didnt think it through and they should be told to.

For all the people saying he should man up - Poor lad, give him a break! Checking your results on a notice board is not the same as being "featured" with a blown up picture in a large assembly and I suspect that the school indirectly referring to his circumstances is the key to what is causing the offense.

A mortified teenager can be humiliated far much less than this. If it seems huge to him, its because he's young and inexperienced, and if he wants to stay in his room because he's mortified - then perhaps that's what he needs to do to process it. No harm to stay in a safe place catching up on Netflix for a few days if he feels under scrutiny, he'll come out for air soon. Young adults can be so sensitive, particularly ones who have been through a lot, stuff that we've all learnt to brush off and shrug our shoulders to, simply because They haven't learnt how to do that yet.

Sometimes the worst thing about being talked about for reasons beyond your control is being aware of people's unwanted curiosity and wanting to see how you'll take it, or contacting you for a news update or comment which you just know they are going to forward to keep it going. I don't blame him for keeping a low profile.

The good news is that he's got his place at uni and will soon be in a brand new environment where he can be seen as a new person without all the baggage. School can be a goldfish bowl and most sixth formers may miss their friends but in reality they are really ready to go.

Willow Sorry, I think the posts got crosssed

FTIme Buyer.. I hear you! and very many congrats on your pregnancy. What daft comments for them to make. Tell the detractors to shove it! You'll soon be able to prove them wrong when your lovely baby arrives and they all try to decide which side of the family he/she takes after instead.

I haven't RTWT but what I have seen I don't understand the negativity thrown at the OP. Surely it's about private results being published without OP's son's permission and that's it? Noone else can get the results on behalf of the student and rightly so because they are private. What's the point of that if the school are then going to shown them to,the whole school without asking if they can?

He has been shamed by it

Shamed by what? He achieved his grades, what's shaming about that? OK he didn't get A* grades to get into Oxbridge but neither do a a bazillon other people and they cope with it. If he's done his personal best then you can't ask any more.
It seems to me that this has all come about because of excessive secrecy about grades. If he had been more open in the first place then this would have been a non-issue.

It simply sounds completely unprofessional of the college. I would ask them to explain exactly what they showed the students and what they expected to achieve by doing it. Teenagers are sensitive and it is their job to understand that. Apart from your son's feelings what is the effect of something like that on the students who were shown the presentation and who already feel they are 'failures' by not being Oxbridge candidates? Reminds me of George Orwell being told at school 'there's many a man sleeping rough on the Embankment because he didn't learn his Latin verbs' or similar. FFS!

You could have a degree from a prestigious university and be an utter moron with not an ounce of common sense. Reassure your son that he did very well, and he should be proud of his achievement regardless of what uni he goes to. He should certainly not feel ashamed and hide in his room, I would definitely take it up with the college and advise them to be more tactful and discreet in the future as you feel this has breached his privacy and affected his morale which is unacceptable.

Please don't use the word "moron".

DS1 was very angry with his sixth form college after he left and refused to ever set foot in the place again after A levels. This caused a small problem with picking up his A level certificates and was then no problem at all. I sympathised with his frustration and we talked about how good it was he didn't have to go there again.

He has just finished his first year at University and now rarely mentions the sixth form college. When he has it has either been to say how much better uni is or to say he's so relieved he no longer he has anything to do with them.

Yes go to a solicitor. But only go to one of the cheapie no win no fee ones because the rest will laugh at you.

I also struggle to think the school did this to shame him, especially to shame someone who has been through so much.

I would assume the fact he was up there with the oxbridge students was not as a comparison but to celebrate him like those other students. He has achieved exactly what he wished.

His reaction of shame, and yours op, supporting his reaction, is more of a concern, and as said before I would focus on this. Give the school a call. But focus on helping your son be proud of his achievements and try to help him understand the school was celebrating it, not support his view they were shaming him and threatening legal action.

I think it's lovely that the school want to celebrate ALL students' achievements, not just the ones who got 10 As and are off to Oxbridge. You say yourself that he did "very well". I don't understand what you're cross about! And I certainly don't understand why you want to engage a solicitor!

Yes, but the school have not positioned it in the correct way, have they?

From a legal (data protection) point of view the college has to state to the parents what they intend to use any personal data for when the child joins the college. If it is for anything out of the ordinary (which this is) they would need separate permission for that from you, if son is still under 18, or from them if they are now over 18. Before consulting a solicitor it would be a good idea to ask to see the school's Privacy Policy (this may be on their website), check what if anything you agreed to when your son joined and also discuss the situation with the Information Commissioner's helpline on 0303 123 1113. You should also ask them to confirm exactly what was presented and why. You will then have a clearer idea of where you stand and, if you decide to take legal advice, you will have saved time by having answers to some of the initial questions the solicitor is likely to ask. In my view this isn't an either/or situation. A teenager's distress should always be taken seriously and, having 3 older children myself, I have found being 'positive' with them doesn't always work and can even misfire. I must say, I'm wondering what sort of college this is. My 2 oldest children were both featured as post-a level 'case histories' but their permission was asked, they were allowed to approve the content and the case histories included a complete spectrum of achievement from Oxbridge to apprenticeships and courses for students with learning difficulties.

Why is the word "moron" (when not used as a direct personal insult) offensive? misses point of thread

StMargsGirl - really good, informative post. OP, I hope you and your DS are okay. Lots of posters on here understand exactly where you are coming from and you have lots of support. There has been some good information/advice. Take care

Haven't read twft. But do remember in my very academic 6th form that in a year assembly two girls were dismissed from the session in front of the entire year, by name, because they weren't applying to uni.
Same school announced oxbridge places.
I was (& still am) absolutely fuming about that kind of academic snobbery. I has no place in an inclusive educational setting. Making one child unhappy to promote others is just plain awful.

I whole-heartedly agree with everything Thiscan'treallybehappening said.

I agree with Thiscan'treallybehappening too.

Were you there at the assembly? Is that how it really went down?!

A solicitor.... lmao - to do what?

My A Level results were shown on the college notice board along with everyone elses..... I'm raising my eyebrows at this post seriously, so he didn't get into Oxbridge? So what?