Humiliated Sons Exam results publicised

[Frances39]

My son received his A-level results this August and is about to head off to university. However his college which he attended in their assemblies have being showing his picture and results in all the assemblies. My son did very well despite several unfortunate happenings during his exams, however he did very mediocre compared to the rest of the leavers. In their assembly's they put up the A*AA etc. students up and those going to Oxford/Cambridge, then they went on to show my sons grades and his less prestigious university as some kind of charity case. My son has not left his room now for a couple of days since hearing about what the school did, he did not even tell his close friends what grades he got. He feels humiliated and violated that they would do such a thing without his consent and that he was contrasted with Oxbridge students. I have no idea what I should do, I will he contacting the school and maybe a solicitor. I cannot imagine what my son must be experiencing

Your son has got into the university of his choice in spite of everything he has been through - he (and you) should be celebrating. Who cares what was said in assembly - presumably all of his year have left anyway - he's on to better things now and he should just focus on that. A levels are finished - what counts now is how he does in his degree, getting a job, professional qualifications. If some of the people I went to school with are anything to go by I'm willing to bet that some of those straight A students who are being so feted now may come to nothing when it comes converting all that academic brilliance into getting an actual job. As neither of you was actually in the assembly, I'd also be directing some of my anger at which ever kind soul chose to bring this announcement and the way in which it was made to your son's attention, presumably knowing everything he'd been through and what an achievement his A levels are. In your position, if it was my child I'd be telling him to take no notice, forget all about it and get ready to turn the page on school - not endlessly revisiting it and dragging it out for months to come. This is his moment to make a new start - help him to do that by letting this go.

Have we really reached a place in society where kids feel humiliated just because their results are published? You said he did well, so surely he's pleased? The only reason you wouldn't be pleased is if you didn't do your best and knew you hadn't tried that hard - surely??

At uni, pre internet days, we had to go to a board and see our results up there. Everyone's results were there for everyone to see.

Dear god. How would kids nowadays cope with that?

I really think we need to toughen up our kids a lot more. Work is going to be a bloody big shock to a lot of these kids.

Having said all of that, I am confused as to why they would only pick ONE pupil to 'humiliate' (really not sure that was their intention) Have you actually seen the presentation? I wouldn't go in all guns blazing.

What ever reaction my son has is perfectly justified

What, even mentioning "overt violence"?

I'm extremely sorry to hear about the difficulties your DS has had to face, but wouldn't it be wise to at least find out what actually happened before involving solicitors? IME the accounts which result from bystanders winding each other up can be less than reliable; perhaps the school might offer a more rational explanation, even if it's just that not everything will always happen exactly the way we want it to?

And on a slight tangent, when did this extreme, data protection driven privacy over results start, and how does that work considering that my local paper still prints all results?

Admittedly, not read through all answers in detail but my two pence:

It sounds like the school had good intentions, either using your son as an example of 'Here's a young man who had a really hard time during his exams and still got decent grades' or a message of other students of 'We don't just value the Oxbridge lot here.'...which, speaking as somebody who went to a secondary school whose motto may well have been 'Don't darken our doorway if you don't have Oxbridge ambitions', I think is quite a nice message.

That being said, I think they should have asked you or your son (and everybody else being picked out as an example, for that matter) if they minded first. They might assume that everybody is happy to be celebrated but I can guarantee even some of those with all A*s and As might not be too thrilled to discover they are being singled out.

I think if you approached the school and explained how this was affecting your son, they'd be mortified to discover he was upset, apologise and pull his name from future assemblies (if they were planning any more).

I also think it's worth invoking the 'year from now' rule. Sure, it may be feel humiliating now but is it really going to matter a year from now? Probably not - worst case scenario, you and your son will cringe and think 'Yeah, I really wish they'd asked first' but most of the pain will be gone. Your best bet is to help him through this difficult period and remind him that this feeling isn't permanent.

Have we really reached a place in society where kids feel humiliated just because their results are published?

No, the results are still published (in our local papers anyway).

At uni, pre internet days, we had to go to a board and see our results up there. Everyone's results were there for everyone to see.

So did I - back in the 70s - but the key words are everyone's results. I would have been most put out if they had put at the bottom Kaitlin did very well - not as well as all these clever ones who got firsts - but still good for her - how fucking patronising would that be? I think this is how the OP's son must feel and I don't understand why people can't see the difference.

And on a slight tangent, when did this extreme, data protection driven privacy over results start, and how does that work considering that my local paper still prints all results?

Can't say for certain but I think there was a data protection law change a few years back and there is a big change in the pipeline for next May. I'm not sure it would specially outlaw (so to speak) printing exam results but it might be enough to make some newspapers stop and think "Yeah, maybe it's not worth the hassle anymore".

We can all dilly dally around with "best intentions" of the school, which I am sure is true, how the OP feels, etc, etc but the crux of it all his, her son....

Feels like SHIT about it. Not good.

Of course he done well! My son was a straight A-er and is a master of chemistry with first class honours, now starting a PHD.

My daughter was not a straight A-er. She's now in her 2nd year studying psychology at uni. Do we compare her to her brother and say "but haven't you done well?"

Course we bloody don't!! It's insulting. She is cleverer than him in different ways. We DO NOT compare one to the other.

Am I in the twilight zone?

The more I find out about the UK education system the more I get . It just seems so so unnecessarily competitive and designed for maximum levels of anxiety.
How can this be okay on any level? I would have been mortified if my (decent) grades had been broadcast in an assembly, especially without my permission!

It's one thing to applaud success (although announcing all the grades is still OTT), but if OPs son feels humiliated then I can understand why.

SO after reading the OP and the responses.

Kait Yes but I"m confused (and don't want to scroll though a million pages to find out!)

Why wasn't the OP's son there? I'm not sure I believe only ONE child's results were published, other than all of the straight A kids?

Really? Just one other child. I do agree though.

the crux of it all his, her son ... feels like SHIT about it. Not good

I completely agree, but that's also why I suggested getting the school's version before deciding what to do

While it's possible that the school handled this with complete insensitivity, in which case I'd expect a grovelling apology, it's surely also possible that it could be a complete overreaction, fanned by the comments of bystanders, to something which didn't quite suit,

If that turns out to be the case, I'd gently suggest things need handling very differently if DS is ever to have a hope of coping with the world of work

polly
The son feels shit. It doesn't mean the school have done a direct comparison or set out to humiliate him etc.

His reaction is far from your average 'something awkward happened'. The son needs support and it may be wise for him to take up the counselling he turned down earlier in the year.

It may also be worth the OP calmly and sensibly having a chat with the school about it.

Sounds like the school have not thought about this in very broad terms. I think some feedback to them would be fine but you need to keep it neutral.

And it's not remotely like just a list of all the results! That would be straightforward facts. This has been selectively presented.

Agree maisy.

I'm sure the school wouldn't have done this deliberately, course they haven't! But the consequences of this could be far reaching for the OPs son.

As per my previous post and my daughter. We've had to be very careful as her elder brother has flown academically. Grandparents gush on his achievements, etc etc and it's very easy for her to feel "not as good". She is, she's more artistic and in tune psychologically (hence her choice in degree). We can't all be the same.

This world is so driven on grades now. It's rather sad.

Sounds like the school have not thought about this in very broad terms. I think some feedback to them would be fine but you need to keep it neutral
This.

Well intentioned. Unintended effect. Worth raising in a calm manner, hear the school out etc (similar to what i mentioned in another post).

I still can't help but think there's something about people who would go out of their way to find someone who has had a tough year and then specifically lay it on thick about an assembly he wasn't in. Seems like quite a bitchy thing to do. If the assembly rrally was this nasty piece of comparison they claim and they really thought it might upset him, wouldn't the kinder thing to do be not to mention it and let it die?

Oh FFS - If this is the worst thing life throws at you/him think yourselves very lucky. Who said we can get through life without looking daft from time to time. Time to shape up and take it on the chin. Yes - someone was a bit inconsiderate and tactless. If you/he let it get you down that is up to you.

12 years ago we were allocated a number then you looked up you number on the board and got your results. No names.

As per my previous post and my daughter. We've had to be very careful as her elder brother has flown academically. Grandparents gush on his achievements, etc etc and it's very easy for her to feel "not as good". She is, she's more artistic and in tune psychologically (hence her choice in degree). We can't all be the same.

Going off on a tangent here but couldn't agree with this more.

I would describe myself as academic. I went to an RG and loved writing essays, solving problems and researching. If money were no obstacle, I would have stayed to do a master's and a PhD in a heartbeat. My current job is very research heavy too and I just really like learning stuff, to be honest!

My brother is not academic and hated school. He works as a mechanic doing things I can't even begin to understand. He's also really good with languages, which is definitely something I envy. He frequently describes himself as stupid because he 'didn't go to a good uni like FTimeBuyer did'. I want to cry every time he does (FYI, our secondary deserves the blame for this one because you were treated like dirt if you dared to bring their numbers down on proportion of students who went onto uni. Our parents have always been very supportive).

I also remember having a friend who, when we were around 18, sheepishly confided in me that she was thinking of turning down her uni place because she wanted to work in media and thought she would be better off with three years worth of experience rather than three years worth of education. I told her that if that what she thought was best then that's what she should do - she was a very ambitious, focused woman who, although we've lost touch, I have little doubt has done well. It baffled and upset me that somebody had made her think that uni was always the best route.

I've only skimmed, but clearly both you and your son are upset about this, so you do need to speak /write to the school. Tell them that although you were'nt there, the insensitive way they've handled this has really upset both you and your son because of all the various reports that people have relayed back to you. Your son is being gossiped about as a result of their actions and they need to recognise their error and apologise. I do think they were at fault. I agree as many have said that they didn't set out to deliberately upset him - but they were clearly only thinking about showing off the school and puffing themselves up and not about their pupils. It's one thing to read out a list of names that no one is really listening to but another to put his picture and grades up one stage. How crass.
I think if you swallow this, it will stick in your throat for ages so voice your displeasure and let them know - he deserves an apology - although I think it probably won't be enough and you wont be satisfied but you will have said your piece and then you can both move on. If he sees you freaking out about it, will all seem so much worse. He needs to know you care about his feelings but that this is really not a big deal in the overall scheme of things.
Celebrate your son's achievement as you both move on to better things - a broader and less gossipy world. Poor lad, they are very sensitive at that age, but he needs to hold his head high (even if he's not feeling it), shake off the school's crass actions and the gossip will die down.

sandelf
Maybe if you had RTFT you would know that its not the worst thing life has thrown at him. I will just leave ops quote here for you.

he has gone through so much personal tragedies in the last 8 years from brothers suicide to dad being killed by a drunk driver, another close family members murder and bullying.

Agree with you FTimeBuyer. I'm sick of people "grading" uni's on the basis of what they were like when they were there (back in the dark ages) Grandparents - should totally and utterly butt out and stop characterising and labelling the DCs and D cousins. I'm sick of the comparisons uttered as if gospel truth - all based on gleanings from the Daily Mail. Even an excellent uni is dismissed with "oh but that's so far away" ( so we need'nt mention it again) There I said it!! Bah!!!

sandelf Seriously RTFT! Oh FFS - If this is the worst thing life throws at you/him think yourselves very lucky

The OP posted this yesterday
Frances39 Fri 08-Sep-17 19:55:46
I am proud of him, he has gone through so much personal tragedies in the last 8 years from brothers suicide to dad being killed by a drunk driver, another close family members murder and bullying.

crosspost!

I don't understand your point Willow. Do you think I was being unsympathetic? Not at all.

sandel
The son has had a truly awful year and is struggling to cope. This emerged part way through the thread (it would have been useful information to mention earlier when saying he responded with threats of violence but that's by the by).

He is not coping but had refused counselling, which may explain why he has reacted in this way.

The consensus seems to generally be (me included) that he absolutely needs some help in developing stratgies to come to terms with the events of the year so he can come to terms with and long term manage through life because violence is not a average response to an assembly.

It's totally right to discuss the assembly.
It would be wrong to argue that the school have caused his reaction and are responsible for his actions.

I give up!

Several independant witness have told the OP that they felt uncomfortable how her DS was singled out against the top graded students, no one else had their name and photo presented at the assembly who had chosen another path after school, no other kids going to non Oxbridge schools, JUST her DS.

I really cannot fathom out how some people have come to the conclusion that all the people who were there listening to it got it wrong and they think the school did it out of the goodness of their hearts. Just got it a bit wrong, no harm done ol' bean, chin chin. Ok.