Gutted, selfish, but gutted.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

My Dd17 is currently spending a scholarship year in China studying Mandarin - it's a stand-alone scholarship she applied for during her final year of school and she's due to come home next summer. She's having a great time and has a boyfriend (one of last year's scholarship group who has been given a further 4-year scholarship).

She has applied for 2 courses for next year, one a vocational arts course and the other a languages course at a local top uni. I think gettin on the arts course is 50/50, but she has a very good chance for the languages course.

She broke the news to me yesterday that she's looking into applying for a full degree scholarship in China. I'm very upset. That would mean her leaving home at 17 and spending 5 years in China, with only a short trip (maybe 2) home every year. I was/am prepared for her to leave home for Uni, but this is so much more than that - effectively she's emigrating and I don't expect that she will ever come home to live. I wasn't ready for that and I regret giving her permission to apply for her current scholarship.

There's no guarantee that she'll get the scholarship, but she's pretty lucky and works hard so she probably will. I told her that I won't support her at all if she goes ahead. She did say that if she gets into the arts Uni (it's a Conservatoire) she'll come home, but she would rather do the languages course in China. I'm pretty sure some of this enthusiasm is coming from a relationship that's only a few weeks old.

How do I stay sane and do the right thing?

dotdot you are still focussing in what you see for her future, your view on what's best. It comes across as slightly patronising, that you assume your DD doesn't have the capacity to take a number of factors into account (yes including a boyfriend) when making a decision. You have not acknowledged the very many takes here of fractured relationships after similar situations. I really hope time and reflection will enable you to step back and allow your DD to make the decision SHE thinks best, with a supportive smile

she's bursting with excitement at new experiences and she's not yet even 18yrs old. I'm going to try and keep her feet on the ground for a while

This is one of the saddest things I've read in the HE forum. In a forum which has more than its share of over-protective, aspirational, pushy parents, this thread is just so so sad.

It's wonderful & amazing that your DD doesn't have her feet on the ground. She has the rest of her life to be sensible - she's young, she has time to take risks. You may think she's making a mistake, but she won't learn unless she takes risks and fails.

I suspect that you are projecting your own frustrations at being tied down by your elder DS with ASD who may never leave home. I might even wonder if you are not quite envious of your DD, and are somehow - quite unconsciously - punishing her for the freedom she has, which you don't. Even your comment that she could commute to university at either Edinburgh or Glasgow has a hint of this. Where is your DD's father in all this?

Please, please heed the advice here.

Even your comment that she could commute to university at either Edinburgh or Glasgow has a hint of this.

I said she could commute, because geographically it's possible - not that I want her to. Her plans (up until last week) were to commute for 1st year then move out for 2nd. I wish people would actually read what was said rather than jumping on what they think they saw.

I'm not envious of her freedom, I did a bit of wandering when I was younger and have never lived in my home city since I was 18. I screwed up at school and returned to Uni when I was in my 20s, I have no regrets and I'm excited for her future.

A year ago she was considering applying for Cambridge Uni but balked at the last minute because (hollow laugh) it was 'too far' from home. I supported her either way. Being in China is not her only option, it's just that it's her current experience. She could possibly even have a great life if she went to Edinburgh Uni and spent a sandwich year overseas. Who knows? Unless of course, I decide that my interests are better served by her staying at home doing the housework (evil laugh).

Thank you, many of you have put it into perspective and I'm calming down now. To the others who think in black and white only, thank you also. It's interesting to hear from you too.

Oh, and her Dad is just fine thank you, he spent a few years abroad as a child and was sent home to live with family to finish his education. He's happy to stay at home. He's never been a particularly hands-on parent with either of the children and my relationship with them is far stronger and better-natured than his, but it's all good.

That's a bit unfair fly OP loves and cares about her dd so much, only she knows her dd attitude and personality well enough to judge. My older dd who's a grown adult now had the most gullible personality when she was younger. She would easily get conned and was too nice for her own good that people would take advantage. Of there was any major decisions she had to make, we would talk everything through so she sees the bigger picture before hand. Then ultimately we then let her decide what to do. That's as far as we go or we feel is our responsiblity on our part. Now shes older lives on her own she's always grateful that we always there to listen when she's a bit unstuck to what to do, what we say will always be impartial but always have her interest at heart not ours. Think dotdot is going through shock. She needs support not berating. If she was as bad as what you say is, she wouldn't have given her blessing for her dd to go to China for a year in the first place. It's the loss she's sensing like the empty nest feeling.

Sorted out what's causing the skin problem, via the use of photos and Google. Seem that she's been washing her clothes with fabric conditioner instead of detergent, and hadn't realised until I found matching photos on the internet. Seems like a 17yr old still needs some guidance over the little things. She might even need some over the bigger things, maybe?

And thank you Coffeewith1sugar (just how I take mine!), that's a very reasonable post, and I think more in keeping with the way most parents operate.

Seems like a 17yr old still needs some guidance over the little things. She might even need some over the bigger things, maybe?

Guidance maybe. It still has to be her decision without pressure.

Saying that OP is feeling like this because she's 'tied down with her ASD DS'
Is pretty fucking rotten imo fly

Thanks for noticing that, I forgot to comment on it.

My Ds doesn't tie me down, in fact I think I've had a easier time parenting him than most parents of adolescent boys. He's hugely intelligent, very focused on his interests and never gets himself into any bother. He does what I ask him to do and he gets all my bad jokes - he's excellent company when he's around, but spends a lot of time alone in room, happy with his computer and books. He never gets madly happy or excited and he never gets terribly sad or down about anything. He's taking a circuitous route to Uni, but should be off there next year, although he also says he's planning to commute!. Other than his foibles and some anxieties, both of which I knew how to manage - he's a doddle and I've been blessed with him.

Please don't assume that having a child with a disability is always going to affect a family negatively, it really isn't the case. I think Dd will give me more grey hairs than Ds will!

Please swallow your pride and support her in everything she chooses to do
and make it clear that clean sheets and a towel will be on her bed whenever she chooses to come home.
Technology shrinks distances

I could go into a massive long post about my family history that support s the above
but suffice to say that I'm over 50 and the distance choices turned out to be right - across several generations

One thing for sure, even if teenagers are keen to be adventurous and live far from home they still need lots of parental care, support and advice during times of difficulties or illness. I can imagine how much harder it is for parents when your DC needs you but you can only be there at the end of a screen and it is to sort things out practically.

Dotdot looking at the reverse situation there are a fair number of Chinese etc students at school or university in the UK. The Chinese parents who are wealthy enough to do that regard it as a norm and valuable for the DC, not just the education but the development of independence. I know from the ones that I have met that they don't like being separated from their DCs but do it for the good of the DC.

And it is more difficult to sort things out practically

To the OP,
I am a mum from the other end of the world, Taiwan, and believe me, I am just as invested in my DS and DD, so I can feel your pain. BTW, DS has received an offer from Edinburgh just a couple of days back. If he decides to go, he will get full support from his parents, even though it breaks our hearts ( I have been constantly nagged at by DH for supporting his little sweethearts in this evil endeavors of migrating out of his life.)
The problem is, DS is the dependent, absent minded,gullible type, who is constantly running into minor crisis like forgetting his wallet, losing his notes, his iPhones, his spectatcles etc, so, I foresee many emergency SOS calls in the year ahead. As a mum, I will have to share the stress, try to come up with the best solution but yet, learn to let him wade through his troubles on his own. He has ADD, btw, and it is not easy letting go.
I have never been to Scotland, so, it is as exotic to me as China is to you. So, I hope this will cheer you up a bit, knowing that there are parents out there with similar problems. At least you are not alone.

The only way you really will lose her is if you dont support her choices. Its not like shes some wayward teen, it sounds like shes doing very well and you should be proud. Its sad you may not get to see her as often but as other people are saying its very selfish to essentially force her to do what you want by threatening not to support her. That really wont have a good impact on your relationship. It seems like you know that, i think you just mayeb need some time to get over the shock and come to terms with her becoming an adult. Its a little early at 17 perhaps than you were expecting but do the right thing because if you dont you really will stand to lose her far more seriously than just her being out of the country for a few years.

Asianmom sorry to derail thread slightly but my dd is currently studying at Edinburgh and many of her friends are from China, Japan and Taiwan- (she's doing a TESOL course).Edinburgh is a beautiful city and many of her friends say how welcoming and compact it is, compared to the large cities they are used to!
It's very easy to get around and most of the uni buildings are very close together and accommodation is lovely - she's in Sugarhouse close, just off the Royal mile, a VERY historical part of town ...you must visit!

Stopyourhavering,
Thanks, yes, I know it is a lovely city, we would definitely make a trip up there sometime, irregardless of whichever college DS decides to pick.

Oh dear, this is very hard, on one side uour posts come across as very emotional, my family will never be the same, I'm losing her, what about her grandparents or pets, I won't support her, she may get ill etc etc, and I understand that.

On the other side you seem to have a very bright adventurous daughter and uou do her a disservice by suggesting she wishes to study in china due to a boy, she is it seems intelligent and able to make informed decisions.

I can only look at it cold and say if you do this emotional thing you will indeed lose her, and uour family was always going to change, that's what happens when they grow up.

However I temper it with I know I'd be devastated if it was my daughter too, it's just so far away and I get your emotional reaction. My only advice is to tread gently here.

And take a fear of flying course if It comes to it,.😞

dot I saw your OP back when you first posted it, and have just stumbled across it again today.

Wow, a lot of projection on this thread!

FWIW I think it's been pretty clear all along that you're just sad, and want desperately to steer your daughter along a course that's sensible. I haven't got the sense at all that you're domineering or controlling.

I've found reading this quite hard actually, it makes me think how quickly time passes, and this could be me in 10 years. I think it's very hard to adjust your idea of the future with the reality, especially when it's out of your hands.

Good luck OP, I'd love to know what your daughter decides.

OP, I just re-read your threads and realised that you have missed something vital. If your DD is reading Mandarin or even the Chinese language there, then she would surely be back in four year's time, because there will simply be no job opportunities for her in China. You see, one do not teach the Chinese Chinese. So, there, surely a four years away is not so bad now, is it?

I am just wondering why the OP is expected to support her DD wholeheartedly if she feels she is making the wrong decision? Surely, as her parent, she should be pointing out alternatives and talking through the pros and cons of each one? To do otherwise is abrogating her responsibility as a parent imo.

I didn't go along with everything my ds proposed at 17; I told him in no uncertain terms when I thought he was wrong, and why. It hasn't affected our relationship.

Hello all, OP here. I've had a few weeks to calm down and fortunately our relationship is surviving the experience. DD hasn't mentioned the scholarship thing again and has put in a couple of UCAS applications and seems interested in the results. It's getting very cold in her part of China now, she's tired from a busy course and she's feeling a bit run down generally. I think she's looking forward to her trip home in the new year.

She's still with the boy and he seems to be a lovely chap so I've no worries there. I guess the next few months will help her decide what she's going to do in the future - I still hope that she'll come home but I'm getting more used to her being away now and regular Skype sessions do help. I'm still the first port of call if there are any problems and do lots of online counselling, so maybe the independence level isn't quite as high as it needs to be yet.

Edinburgh is a lovely city, I grew up there and I think she would/will have a fabulous time there with the added advantage of being less than an hour from home. I don't believe it's an inferior option to staying on in China and I do hope that she'll give it her full consideration.

It's hard watching your fledglings fly for the first time.

I hope she decides to do her HE in Scotland.

IME of older teenage girls they often make declarations of things they intend to do then change their mind. My DD bought furniture with the intention of living in the flat she found half way through first year. (sigh) She lasted ten months there, got another flat for ten months, then decided to give it up for the three months over summer to save money.

Recently she was sure she would do a post grad qualification in a different area from her degree. There's been no mention of that recently and I think she's changed her mind.

Try not to worry - her interest in uni applications is very encouraging and you sound like a great mum who she'll be delighted to come home to.

My FIL died suddenly on Thursday night of a heart attack so I had to tell DD via Skype that her beloved Grandpa was dead. It was heartbreaking for us both. The funeral was today and she sent flowers to her Gran, but we missed her presence. We did remind her before she went away that this might happen and sadly it did.

That must have been very tough. I think the loss of the first GP is particularly shocking to their grandchildren.

Your thread caught my attention for two reasons: I know two other young people who have done/are on a gap year Mandarin course in China and I thought you were getting a hard time from many unsympathetic posters. I'd be gutted too under those circumstances. Especially when you don't think it's the best route for her to take.

I really do think she'll come back. Once the novelty has worn off and she begins to miss her family and familiar culture.... fingers crossed.