Gutted, selfish, but gutted.

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My Dd17 is currently spending a scholarship year in China studying Mandarin - it's a stand-alone scholarship she applied for during her final year of school and she's due to come home next summer. She's having a great time and has a boyfriend (one of last year's scholarship group who has been given a further 4-year scholarship).

She has applied for 2 courses for next year, one a vocational arts course and the other a languages course at a local top uni. I think gettin on the arts course is 50/50, but she has a very good chance for the languages course.

She broke the news to me yesterday that she's looking into applying for a full degree scholarship in China. I'm very upset. That would mean her leaving home at 17 and spending 5 years in China, with only a short trip (maybe 2) home every year. I was/am prepared for her to leave home for Uni, but this is so much more than that - effectively she's emigrating and I don't expect that she will ever come home to live. I wasn't ready for that and I regret giving her permission to apply for her current scholarship.

There's no guarantee that she'll get the scholarship, but she's pretty lucky and works hard so she probably will. I told her that I won't support her at all if she goes ahead. She did say that if she gets into the arts Uni (it's a Conservatoire) she'll come home, but she would rather do the languages course in China. I'm pretty sure some of this enthusiasm is coming from a relationship that's only a few weeks old.

How do I stay sane and do the right thing?

*That would worry me, op, no matter where she was applying but even more so when she would be so very far away and it went tits=up

17 yo's still need support in those situations, no matter how grown up they think they are

I would be talking to her about the advisability of changing her whole life plan for the sake of a boy. Does she have feminist leanings ?*

That's a good question, I'm not sure she's settled into any particular philosophy yet. We live in Smalltown, Scotland and she's not had much life experience outside of large comp school and arts/sports clubs. I think the boy thing is so new and overwhelming that she's probably going to be a bit daft for a while. (I so hope she doesn't ever find this thread!).

OP you are having a tough time on this thread mainly because you say you won't support her at all if she goes ahead. You are adopting a very harsh stance but it is not too late to now offer her all the support that she will need.

One of my own dd's is planning on studying at university in California next year and I will miss her but it is her choice and the whole of our family will offer encouragement and support.

I would be talking to her about not narrowing her options to the one that follows a boy half way across the world

I would be encouraging her to apply for a few different scenarios and then hang fire because these things have a habit of falling apart with alarming speed

Actually, I would be happy for my DS if that's what he wanted to do. He has plans to emigrate to Canada or Iceland in the future. I hate the cold, but I will be happy for him and happy that I raised him to be confident enough to go out there and make his mark. It will be the same when DD is old enough to do that. Yes, I will be sad and I will miss them but I'm excited for them too. I love seeing the way his face lights up when he tells me about all the places he wants to go to and all the things that he wants to do with his life.

The boyfriend that I met during my 1st year in University is now my DH. He has always said how much he admires that I left home being able to manage in another country and with no family. The flip side of my family is his,where everyone lives close to each other and moving away is considered to be a huge deal. I can see how he has struggled to let go of his DDs, especially since DSD2 has been back after leaving for University due to ill health. She can't wait to move away again, and he is happier to let her go now that he can see that leaving was the best thing she ever did for herself. DSD1 still lives close by and has no ambition to leave or even move further than walking distance away, but she has always been a homebird and is happy to be settled where she is.

I'm not saying don't be sad, I'm saying don't say things like I won't support you. It's bad enough feeling unsupported at home, it's worse when you're away and what you are doing is pushing her away far more effectively than any boy or scholarship will.

17 is very young. What's the situation with the Edinburgh offer? Does it stand for 2017 entry?
It sounds as if you've already talked: have you actually said you won't support her?
I'd message her now, 'I am so proud of you and impressed at your brave plans- I was shocked on the phone yesterday as it's such early days and I'm missing you terribly. Don't commit to anything and let's keep talking! xxxMum'
That way you're keeping the lines of communication open. TBH I think living away from home is an essential part of going to university and the idea of commuting home is sort of missing the point- but China for 5 years, of course it's a shock.
And the flying thing- sorry, you just have to get over it.

Ok op. You sound very pragmatic and realistic. This is a new idea that is exciting at the moment but might well run its course. If you push against it that may make her more likely to do it. But you know you can't stop her, so falling out about it can only make things worse. Sympathy to you

I met my DH overseas and moved to Australia at 20 and lived there for 8 years. Neither my parents or I could afford to fly back and forth.

They said if they were in my shoes, they would do the same. No guilts, no blackmail. An open hand.

I love them and I appreciate them.

Now we live in the U.K. And I visit as often as I can. I bought a second house two houses down from them so my children can enjoy the same loving, supportive relationship I did.

For goodness sake. She's only young once. She should follow her heart and grab every opportunity. You should be a safe place for her to return to, not the centre of her world.

The right man will wave you off on your endeavours and wait for you until the end of the earth - like Rory waited for Amy

OP although I think you have valid concerns, the fact that you are being misinterpreted by pps should give you a hint that you might also be misinterpreted by DD. You are risking seeming to be taking such a hard line that you give her no way back.

You should congratulate yourself on raising such a confident young woman!

Of course she'll still need you if she takes the scholarship in China; she'll probably need you even more. There will be times she'll need her mum and you can Skype. We are so lucky in some ways that technology has shrunk the world.

Would you still feel this way if the boyfriend wasn't on the scene?

Could she take a year out to think about it?

Making your support conditional on what you want is a sure fire way to a having the kind of relationship with your daughter that you don't want.

One of the hardest things about parenting is letting go but that is our problem not our children's.

17 is very young. What's the situation with the Edinburgh offer? Does it stand for 2017 entry?

No, they wouldn't offer a deferred place as it's a very popular course and she asked for the place to be deferred after the decision came through. They did say that she was a strong candidate and they would look favourably on her application for next year. She was offered a place for International Relations, but she now wants to do languages instead which is slightly less popular. I would be surprised if she didn't get and offer. The Conservatoire application is less likely, especially since her audition is a recording, but it would be an amazing opportunity to miss if she got an offer, and would probably mean that she will never go on to study her musical talent.

She actually has a medical condition just now which is being managed by medication but will need more aggressive treatment in the future, probably next summer. It may be that she won't be well enough to return to China in time for the start of the course. Maybe the decision will be made for her. Tough times ahead for one of us at least.

China will be an amazing experience for her.

If your DD comes home to appease you, I'd bet money on you losing your close relationship with her because she will resent you.

I can hand on heart tell you, as a 17 yr old who fled left home, that chances are it's not the boy making her want to stay in China.
You, as her mother won't see this, and you'll be look at anything you can to blame them for "stopping your daughter coming home", but she more than likely really has just fallen in love with China itself, and is enjoying the freedom and variety that life has to offer her.

You really do sound like my mum, who was so convinced that I was being manipulated and led by my boyfriend. The reality was, I just loved the life I was living, and the thought of going home to a mother who had mapped out my decisions and knew where my life was going filled me with dread.

In the end, I did go home and did the uni course she wanted me to do. I hated every minute of it, I now have a degree I don't use, and my relationship with my mother is irrevocablely broken.

She's still only a few months in, and she may possibly change her mind again when the newness had worn off 8/9 months in.

And a PP is right. She's not a little girl anymore, and even if she did come back to Scotland, it is no guarantee that she will be as close as you want or expect her to be.

My dd is doing a TESOL MSc at Edinburgh Uni this year and the vast majority of her class are from China-Edinburgh is seen as a World Class Uni and they will have a better chance of employment rather than if they had gone to a Chinese University-( also my dd should have no problem getting a teaching job in China next year)
what is your dd hoping to study?

You really do sound like my mum, who was so convinced that I was being manipulated and led by my boyfriend.

I haven't suggested he's manipulating or leading her! I don't know him, but he appears to be a perfectly nice lad. I think it's her natural enthusiasm and intensity that's leading me to think that he's a factor.

what is your dd hoping to study?

She's applying for Chinese and German, which is also available in the Chinese Uni in the same combination.

When I was 18 I won a full scholarship to the UK (Oxford). A rare (very very rare) international scholarship that was all paid. For my parents it meant that I moved continents and was 12 hours-ish away by flight.
I am their second child. At this point my sister was already studying medicine in the UK.
I am eternally grateful that they were thrilled/supportive and didn't throw a hissy fit.
And no I never went back to my home country. I have a fairly successful career in the U.K., I am married, have kids. Again my parents have never EVER suggested that I let them down somehow.

Presumably Luchi, you were being offered the chance to take a course superior the those on offer in your home country? My Dd isn't talking about going to Uni in China because it's the best course, but because it's where she's enjoying being at the moment, albeit it's very early days.

I'm not going to revise my thoughts at the moment, there's no conflict right now and we probably won't discuss it again for a while. I will see how things progress over the next few months. Thank you all for your input, most of it has been very useful.

Do you think that it is partly the thought of living at home again and commuting to Edinburgh? Maybe suggest more that she gets accomodation in Edinburgh rather than at home. I know that many Scottish students do live at home but having lived away from home now for a short while she might want more independence. I realise that the boyfriend is the big pull but maybe it is a factor.

It's not about the best course it's about what makes your daughter happier. If she can use the degree from the Chinese uni, then it really doesn't matter if she gets it here or there. With things like languages, experience and cultural emersion is vital.

I was pushed into a uni because it was the best one for my course and it didn't just make me miserable, it made me suicdal. University is such a big part of life, that we need to be able to choose the one we want.

At least if she's out there, she will have the option to transfer back if she becomes homesick. It's better than starting here and wishing she'd stayed there.

And manipulating/leading however you want to word it, you still think he's an influence (whether overtly or just by being) on her decision. That's what my mother thought too. She's not doing it for or because of him. She's considering it because it's what she wants to do.

She's applying for Chinese and German, which is also available in the Chinese Uni in the same combination.

A degree in Chinese that was done in China is likely to be much better on the CV than one done in the U.K. She will be immersed in the language every day and will have to use it out and about and with her friends. She will become much more fluent if she does it in China, and if she wants to for example get a job as a translator in China or elsewhere when she has graduated, it will be a big advantage to her to have lived in and become knowledgeable about the culture and customs as well as just the language.

Do you think that it is partly the thought of living at home again and commuting to Edinburgh? Maybe suggest more that she gets accomodation in Edinburgh rather than at home.

I had assumed that she would be applying for halls in Edinburgh, but she said that she planned to travel daily for the first year at least, then look into moving there for 2nd. She quite likes living at home I think!

If she were my DD then I would persuade her to keep her original applications as a back-up whilst she explores the China options. I studied abroad and if you asked me 3 months in then I would have been adament that I would stayed there permanently. However when it came to it 12 months later I choose not to stay. She might feel differently however at least she would be more sure it is a considered decision.

I'm not pushing her into any particular course, I don't care what course she does, or at what Uni she does it, other than it's a wee bit closer than China.
She didn't know a word of Chinese until last summer when she got the chance to go on a funded school trip, until then it had never entered her head to get involved in Chinese, she hadn't even applied to study languages at Uni at that point, she wanted to do something different. She's changing her mind too quickly just now, that's something I'm wary of.

I have a travelling 17 year old DD so I do understand how you feel. I haven't seen her since mid August and am looking forward to seeing her at Christmas for a couple of weeks. She's in Europe now but Japan is her aim and has been for ages. There now is a boy on the scene that she met on a trip over in Japan and he wants to go and live there as she does which I think that makes it more likely, if they do end up staying together .

They were going to go to Japan next summer but the saving isn't going quite to to plan so now are planning to return to the UK. I have made the point to her I think it will be very hard to live at home again after the independence she is now having and my plans to make sure she has as much privacy and independence at home as possible. I think this has helped. Maybe as others have said you could suggest her living away from home if she does come back?

My friend lives in Canada and when I saw her this year she was saying about how guilty she feels being away from her parents. I never want my DD to feel like that , I found it rather sad.

China for 5 years is a big decision and I would encourage her to take her time reaching a decision - making it clear to her you'll support whatever choice she makes.

DD is starting to get a bit homesick I've found and feeling more positive about the UK than when she left in June and it will be interesting to see how she feels next summer after longer away. Keeping options open as much as possible is the way to go I personally think.

A few thoughts....
Your DD is only just applying, so by the time she has to make the final decision, she will have at least spent more time with her new boyfriend. Hopefully then her decision will be less based around a boy she has only just met.

Also, I know it would be so much more convenient for you if she went to Edinburgh, but you mention it's only a daily commute away so no need for halls. Does this mean you're expecting her to live at home and commute to university? Could this be putting her off Edinburgh a bit? She will get so much more out of any university experience if she lives in halls.

Thirdly, I know the distance seems scary, but it doesn't mean you can't be close. I only went an hour away to university, but I only spoke to my parents roughly once every two weeks on the phone (usually they called me!) and just went home in the holidays, so 3 times a year. Although your DD might not come home 3 times a year, you can always visit her. Depending on finances, university holidays etc, perhaps she could come home several times a year? And these days there is Skype etc. You'll probably be more in touch with her than my poor parents were with me

Good luck! Please support her - trust that she will make the best decision for her.