Gutted, selfish, but gutted.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

My Dd17 is currently spending a scholarship year in China studying Mandarin - it's a stand-alone scholarship she applied for during her final year of school and she's due to come home next summer. She's having a great time and has a boyfriend (one of last year's scholarship group who has been given a further 4-year scholarship).

She has applied for 2 courses for next year, one a vocational arts course and the other a languages course at a local top uni. I think gettin on the arts course is 50/50, but she has a very good chance for the languages course.

She broke the news to me yesterday that she's looking into applying for a full degree scholarship in China. I'm very upset. That would mean her leaving home at 17 and spending 5 years in China, with only a short trip (maybe 2) home every year. I was/am prepared for her to leave home for Uni, but this is so much more than that - effectively she's emigrating and I don't expect that she will ever come home to live. I wasn't ready for that and I regret giving her permission to apply for her current scholarship.

There's no guarantee that she'll get the scholarship, but she's pretty lucky and works hard so she probably will. I told her that I won't support her at all if she goes ahead. She did say that if she gets into the arts Uni (it's a Conservatoire) she'll come home, but she would rather do the languages course in China. I'm pretty sure some of this enthusiasm is coming from a relationship that's only a few weeks old.

How do I stay sane and do the right thing?

What I see is that your dd is probably one those very independent individual and free spirit. You've done your job so well as a mum bringing her up to be very independent and resilient to the point she's not afraid of any challenges that are thrown to her which is a good I think you have done an amazing job too good you can say. But I know what you feel sometimes as when they become so independent they forget the important relationships at home too in which you don't want it to become even wider to the point you are not close anymore, its like there's an extra layer to your relationship that will have formed from not seeing each other and you don't want that to happen. It's difficult. If she could go to a uni in China that is equally good as Edinburgh then it's worth the risk. My DH mother lives abroad he know's his relationship is not the same or as close as the other siblings who live close to her and as we get older he's definately now making more effort to ring and see her. When your young kids forget parents have a heart and really care. Something we get use to. It's because they got so much buzz and energy to go out there and do their thing. I would say if she does decide to go. At least still get her to keep in touch on a regular basis don't let the relationship rust set in .

I left home and moved across the world when I had just turned 18 to get away from my mother, who was just as overly invested in what I did as you appear to be with your DD. Went home for the first summer and have never been back since, because I had the opportunity to grow and become my own person while I was away.I still Skype my family weekly and my mother now lives in Scotland, so is closer geographically, but I still don't see her that often because it can start to feel very claustrophobic when she wants to hold on to me and my life so tightly. A lot of her behaviour is fuelled by anxiety and she has only recently acknowledged that a lot of why her DCs chose to move away is because she was so smothering.

It's her life, she has forged her own opportunities and to say that you won't support her because she isn't doing what you want is utterly deplorable.

I left home and moved across the world when I had just turned 18 to get away from my mother, who was just as overly invested in what I did as you appear to be with your DD.

That's a bit harsh! Aren't most parents invested in their children? I haven't kept her locked up in the attic you know! She's had loads of opportunities - she went abroad twice with school, she's been in two national music organisations with all the cost, time and travel that goes along with it and I've taken her to sports training 3 times a week for years with me sitting on my numb bum after hours of spectating.

She had two residential music weeks this summer, and I drove her to and from a part time job to help her save money for her move to China - I have been totally supportive all along and paid for all the other expenses, the flights, travel insurance and will pay for her flights home next year. I'm not a monster and she's a happy, enthusiastic girl who has never been afraid to try new things.

I just don't want her to live on the other side of the world for the next 5 years. Would you?

Did you really think that you wouid be the centre of your DD's life for ever? That there wouldn't be a partner at some point, her own family? Your job is done: you have prepared her to live an independent life of her own choosing. You must have known deep down that parenthood has an inevitable path- you have to let them go.

This is your problem not your DD's and I'm shocked that you have essentially taken out your own grief at your role in her life coming to an end by threatening to cut her off. You know you are being selfish and you should now apologise before it's too late.

Yes this decision may be clouded by the first flush of true love but do you know what, these adult kids will make dodgy decisions for all sorts of random and unsavoury reasons and its none of our business any more. Our job is to nod and smile (through gritted teeth if needs be) and be there to provide support and comfort and advice if it doesn't work out.

I don't know if you have been reading the Uni Freshers threads but there you will find a whole bunch of us that have had to let our chicks fly, and we have spoken honestly about how that makes us feel. You are not alone but for the love of whatever please don't alienate your daughter

Now reading your post of 16.13 it sounds to me that totting up all the time and expense etc yiu are now expecting her to pay you back in some way by acceeding to your wishes. You know it doesn't work like that.

And yes I'd be delighted if either if mine wanted to study abroad (we seriously considered a west coat US uni for my DS) because therein lies opportunities

Did you really think that you wouid be the centre of your DD's life for ever?

Nope, I did not, just as my mother hasn't been the centre of mine for a very long time. I did think I might see my Dd at Christmas time, or be around on her 18th and 21st birthdays. Maybe meet her boyfriends and help her move into new homes. It would be nice for her grandparents to have her around when they're ill and failing and want to say their goodbyes, or when our dogs are growing old and dying. Just the usual stuff that most families manage.

I have been on the fresher's thread, and believe me, I understand how hard it is but most of you will see your Dc within a few months and maybe they'll be home for the summer. I waved my Dd off nearly 7 weeks ago knowing I won't see her till next February, many of the other parents there won't see their Dc until July. All of this, I can and have coped with but I don't want to do it again, and again every year. I would like to see more of her than that in the next 5 years. I don't think that makes me a smother-mother.

Now reading your post of 16.13 it sounds to me that totting up all the time and expense etc yiu are now expecting her to pay you back in some way by acceeding to your wishes. You know it doesn't work like that.

Seriously? You took that from my words?

Wow.

A friend of mine had a similar opportunity to your daughter. He went, his family supported him, he has now got the most fantastic career in China and is very, very happy.

On the other hand I know a lot of people who have allowed their parents to dictate their decisions and it has led to resentment that will probably never dissipate.

I'm with you OP, I'd be gutted.

DS (18) will be spending a year next year in Japan, I'm hoping he wants to come home at the end of it. But I will be supportive and won't let him see my devastation I hope.

Can you plan visits to see her? We are planning to spend a week in Tokyo with DS. Not ideal but I need to see him, and its something to look forward to.

I don't think your thoughts/feelings make you a smother-mother but to act on them would. What an amazing opportunity for your daughter. Yes, it will be different from the future you had imagined but it probably would have been anyway. Life never turns out how you thought it would.
Swallow your pain and continue to be te supportive mum, you always have been.

"I still live my life with more thought than is healthy for what my parents approve of. I feel resentful that my wings have been clipped."

^^ this is v true of me too. It has stopped me fulfilling many dreams.

Now I am a mum I do see how this must be so difficult for you though OP.

On the other hand I know a lot of people who have allowed their parents to dictate their decisions and it has led to resentment that will probably never dissipate.

^ I agree.

Whilst I understand you may not want it to happen, but to try and stop it, it will cause problems down the line.

My friend from unis mum had the same reaction as you did to a similar sort of decision at the same sort of age.

They were very close. They are now virtually NC.

I did this wen I was 19

My mum just started saving, to come and visit me.

We also spoke by phone (later facetime) every week, for 30 mins-an hour.

She never guilted me.

When I met and married a foreigner, she never complained, she said she was so happy for me to have met such a lovely man.

We still talk every week, 20 years later and I feel we are really close.

Only now that I am older do I fully appreciate how incredibly generous it was of her to never complain or guilt trip me.

Think long term, try to be generous.

I hate flying. Detest it and fear it. I haven't flown in 10 years, and never a long-haul flight. It's something that terrifies me.

I did think I might see my Dd at Christmas time, or be around on her 18th and 21st birthdays. Maybe meet her boyfriends and help her move into new homes. It would be nice for her grandparents to have her around when they're ill and failing and want to say their goodbyes, or when our dogs are growing old and dying.

These are your DD's choices to make not yours, she may be local and these things still may not happen. And I don't know anything about the health of the GPs but given the unpredictability of death, planning to have someone nearby when a relative's life ends is mostly impossible. How many times do you hear people say 'oh this will probably be granny's last Christmas', and several years later granny is still going strong?

There are no definites, of course there aren't, but the balance of probabilities suggest that these are things she won't be around for that she would be if she was closer to home over the next few years. She currently has all 4 GPs, I don't think she will in 5 years time.

Honestly dotdotdotdot I do think you have overthought all this - references to future birthdays, houses, etc etc. You are clearly grieving for the loss of the life you had planned out for her and your involvement in it. In the nicest possible way I have to say that none of that was ever a given regardless of where your DD lives or studies. It's your vision and not necessarily hers. By mapping things out like this you are setting yourself up for potential disappointment.

And yes, your focus on time and money strikes me as odd in this context. All of those things were choices you made, for her benefit, surely without expectation of any sort of payback. They are in my mind entirely irrelevant to this decision of hers to study abroad. By making an issue if them in this conversation indicates to me that you consider them an important factor.

It's fine to grieve, to be upset that things haven't panned out as you planned. But to voice those feelings to your DD is unforgivable in my view and worthy of an apology to her.

And yes, your focus on time and money strikes me as odd in this context. All of those things were choices you made, for her benefit, surely without expectation of any sort of payback. They are in my mind entirely irrelevant to this decision of hers to study abroad. By making an issue if them in this conversation indicates to me that you consider them an important factor.

I mentioned them to reference the fact that I am generally supportive of her endeavors and happy to help her progress. I can't imagine why you would have deduced otherwise.

On flying, my grandfather was terrified and never flew anywhere until one of his dines emigrated down under. That was the impetus he needed to do a fear of flying course and after that he never looked back. Maybe this is a potential positive yiu can take from this situation: opening up a whole new world for you

Sons not dines!

OP, I too would be gutted but you really can't hold her back as she will resent you forever and you will lose her anyway

However, do you think she is potentially making this life changing decision purely to maintain a relationship with her boyfriend ? That would be worrying on it's own account because as we know many of these intense young relationships don't stay the course and what would happen then ?

Having said that, I know few 17yo's who are so focussed on what they want and have the ambition and drive to do it < narrows eyes at own kids >

It's a tricky one

You have don't a really good job to raise a confidence girl. Please sit this out and see what happens then deal with it. I know your sad but just wait.

However, do you think she is potentially making this life changing decision purely to maintain a relationship with her boyfriend ? That would be worrying on it's own account because as we know many of these intense young relationships don't stay the course and what would happen then ?

That's what I mentioned in my first post. Before she left she had never mentioned staying on in China, even until two weeks ago we were preparing to put in a recorded audition application for the Conservatoire and she was writing her PS for Edinburgh. Now the boyfriend has appeared and she wants to apply to stay in China, exactly where he's going to be for the next few years. As I said before, she's never had a boyfriend before, she was very swotty at school and very busy out of school. This is all new to her.

I left home at 17. Similar to your DD got a scholarship to study abroad, then got into a competitive university abroad and never moved back home. This was back in the days when the Internet was at its infancy. My mum was only ever supportive and excited for me, although now with the hindsight of maturity I know how much her heart must have been breaking. That move was the making of me. Now almost 20 years later we speak and text daily and my children adore her despite living half a world away. Don't deny your DD an opportunity of a lifetime because you aren't ready to release her from your apron strings. It's desperately unfair to her and deeply selfish of you. A close relative did this to her DD and made her return after her studies instead of pursuing a career in the country where she was based. She's still working for a small local firm despite being ridiculously over qualified and underpaid because mummy wants her close to home.

That would worry me, op, no matter where she was applying but even more so when she would be so very far away and it went tits=up

17 yo's still need support in those situations, no matter how grown up they think they are

I would be talking to her about the advisability of changing her whole life plan for the sake of a boy. Does she have feminist leanings ?