Gutted, selfish, but gutted.

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My Dd17 is currently spending a scholarship year in China studying Mandarin - it's a stand-alone scholarship she applied for during her final year of school and she's due to come home next summer. She's having a great time and has a boyfriend (one of last year's scholarship group who has been given a further 4-year scholarship).

She has applied for 2 courses for next year, one a vocational arts course and the other a languages course at a local top uni. I think gettin on the arts course is 50/50, but she has a very good chance for the languages course.

She broke the news to me yesterday that she's looking into applying for a full degree scholarship in China. I'm very upset. That would mean her leaving home at 17 and spending 5 years in China, with only a short trip (maybe 2) home every year. I was/am prepared for her to leave home for Uni, but this is so much more than that - effectively she's emigrating and I don't expect that she will ever come home to live. I wasn't ready for that and I regret giving her permission to apply for her current scholarship.

There's no guarantee that she'll get the scholarship, but she's pretty lucky and works hard so she probably will. I told her that I won't support her at all if she goes ahead. She did say that if she gets into the arts Uni (it's a Conservatoire) she'll come home, but she would rather do the languages course in China. I'm pretty sure some of this enthusiasm is coming from a relationship that's only a few weeks old.

How do I stay sane and do the right thing?

Thanks for your post Enid, I did mention this earlier..

I had assumed that she would be applying for halls in Edinburgh, but she said that she planned to travel daily for the first year at least, then look into moving there for 2nd. She quite likes living at home I think!

I have no issue with her moving out and living in Edinburgh/Glasgow/Little Trumpington/Wherever (UK). I just don't want her to be 5000 miles away. It's too far, way too far.

I get that the distance worries you but you're going to push her into a corner if you keep up your current stance, and you run the risk of her feeling like she can't/doesn't want to come home because you want to keep her close. Give her some space, say the words "I support you" even if you don't feel it, and see how things pan out then. Maybe the novelty will wear off, maybe she'll see that it might not be the best choice for her, or maybe she'll find her niche and thrive. Either way, it has to happen without you and you're going to have to give her the emotional space to make those decisions without worrying that she's upsetting you if she doesn't do what you want.

I rang my mother after reading your OP and asked her if she felt like this when I left (I'm the oldest). She said that she did and with hindsight, she wishes she hadn't tried to hold on so tight because it seemed to make me want to stay away more. We had a good conversation and I did tell her that I was glad that by the time my middle sister was leaving, she had relaxed a bit, so subsequently her relationship with my sister is very different now, and it's definitely better than ours. She worries that I'm too hands off with DS, but realises that perhaps my father's approach of letting me fail wasn't the worst thing in the world.

Please don't take such a hard stance that she feels unable to change her mind, let her know that her happiness and plans are important to you and that you will be there whatever happens.

I don't know why you are getting quite such a hard time OP. I completely see where you are coming from and I am sure I would feel and think the same.

However I think it's very unfair of you to tell her you won't support her if she chooses to go to China. It comes across as controlling. . It's also a really daft thing to say! Im close to all my DC but I'm sure if I ever said something like that to them I'd piss them off no end and they would likely do whatever it was I was trying to stop them doing to spite me. 😂

You DD sounds like a talented and mature student. I think you need to respect her wishes about what she wants to do in the future.

I think you need to respect her wishes about what she wants to do in the future.

Ultimately I don't have a choice, she will do what she wants to do. I'm not going to disown her, but I'm not going to be enthusiastic about it. I wish I was one of the many parents on here who dropped their youngster at a university a few hours drive and came home for a cry, safe in the knowledge that they would be home at Christmas and would appear occasionally. Our situation is more extreme than that and I'm struggling with it.

OP, I don't think feeling so devestated about your DD living on the other side of the world is the least bit unreasonable. I would feel the same. My DC are all away at Uni and although I miss them, it doesn't bother me at all because I get to see them in the holidays. It would feel completely different if I didn't see them for months and months on end.

Are you sure she wouldn't get a long 'summer' holiday if she went to china?
Uni holidays in the U.K. are really long?

BTW OP, I love

The Chinese academic year runs from the beginning of September until the middle of July, so there is a break of 6 weeks or so then. Their other main break is for Chinese New Year, where they break off in early January and go back in early March. Many of the students stay to enjoy the New Year celebrations then go off travelling. Dd is coming home for 3 weeks in February, but unfortunately I work in a school so I'll not be able to spend the weekdays with her.

I left home at 17 and haven't seen my parents since. My case is extreme but I know of a few people whose parents didn't support their uni choices or didn't want them to study abroad, and they don't go home either.

It's an amazing opportunity. You could always move to China? She'd never expect that of you, of course, but it's no less crazy than telling her you won't support her to study there. And at the end of the day, if she goes to Edinburgh, wishes she'd gone abroad and knows that you were the reason she didn't, she might not want to talk to you at all anyway, so it won't matter if she's at home or abroad.

It is her life. China is amazing. Let her make her own decisions. You owe her a big apology for trying to influence it at all. You're allowed to feel upset and a bit abandoned and sad, but you absolutely can't show that to her, and your emotions are not a good enough reason for her to turn the opportunity down. Surely you can see that? She must be very happy out there and China is hugely economically important.

She can change her mind as much as she likes though, she's 17, she's got plenty years ahead to "find herself" and decide what she really wants to do.

She sounds like she is enjoying all these new experiences and options she has, and without wanting to sound cruel, you thinking she should stay in the uk for old pets and grandparents is madness!
Youngsters should be encouraged and applauded for getting out there and doing new things.

you thinking she should stay in the uk for old pets and grandparents is madness

I take your point, but I can guarantee that if she loses a GP or a pet while she's out there, she's going to be distraught and I won't be there to comfort her. She's never lost anyone close to her before. It will be a big deal.

So people shouldn't live overseas or travel in case they lose a grandparent or pet while they're away? /My mum passed away when I was living north of Iran. I was devastated but was there for her final months and beyond. She asked me to continue doing what made me happy, said that life was too short not to take opportunities.... We all live by that now.

Dot

Extremely difficult situation but as others have said, it isn't about you. You have already told DD that you do not support her psychologically although I understand that she does not need your financial support. She is young but what she proposes is a fantastic opportunity. You cannot tell (nor maybe can she) how much her intentions are driven by "boyfrienditis" and how much by the course. It is better for her to go with your blessing (however hard it is for you) and you could try to tell her you realise how much it means to her. She could stay in the UK, become caught up in a relationship here and neglect her studies. Who knows? You could talk to her and say you realise what a wonderful opportunity and that she should take it. Then, investigate the possibility of any therapy, course, hypnotism or whatever to help you be able to cope with a flight. Then, book to go and visit her. I know her vacs don't correspond with yours but you will be able to see her in her new life and get to know the boyfriend. She is young but she may mature quickly and develop a fantastic career out of this. I hope your relationship does not suffer from your lack of support. Stand by to help in case it is needed. It is not a case of letting her, you cannot stop her so make the best of it however bad the situation seems and she already has experience of living and studying in China. Good luck.

Dot I would feel exactly the same - in fact I would have struggled to let her go for a year. However I would tell her I would support her choice but I would try to point out why coming back would be better. Can you persuade her to come back for uni and then go back to China afterwards by which time she may well have changed her mind?

I could never say "I won't support you", but help her look at the merits and disadvantages of each option. It may be that the "China" option isn't the best one, but this has to be for reasons other than you will miss her.

The thing is of course you will miss her, and of course you would rather she was living closer. I moved away from home at 18 to another country and have never moved home. I'm an only child of a single parent and I know my mum was heartbroken. But she supported me every step of the way and for that I am eternally grateful because it has given me the confidence to have a very interesting and well travelled life, and she is extremely proud of me. If you don't bite your tongue and hide your reservations and heartbreak you will be making a massive mistake, and running the risk of losing your daughter entirely. You have obviously raised an intelligent and independent young woman, it's time now to let go and let her spread her wings and start her adult life. If you love somebody let them go and all that.

May I just say that I am in awe of the independence of your DD, MirabelleTree's and others similar and the different, interesting experiences plus languages it allows to amass at this age. That must help in careers and dispel future regrets of not trying a more adventurous path. It is much harder for parents though especially when choices are riskier than the norm.
I think if it were me I would say that you will support her in the application but she should also keep her other options going and you will need to discuss pros and cons with her before she accepts anything. Tell her that you will try o think logically on her behalf at this point rather than emotionally as a mother.
She may stop communicating with you if you block her now even if she ends up moving back to the UK.

OP, I feel for you.

My own 17 year old DD will be leaving home to move the the US soon, and I'm very sad .

It s cruel to tell her you "won't support her at all".
She will be an adult and it s her life.
And what a fantastic opportunity!
By not supporting her choices your daily communication will dry up..surely that is worse for you?
Being a parent is about letting go and hopefully sharing their adventures even if it's by Skype. And you could fly there address your flying anxieties etc.
Of course its hard for you... but cutting her off emotionally won't do you favours and will make it worse for you.

Maybe we could do with an overseas empty nest thread GetahaircutCarl?

I do get it Dot, it is really hard . This summer was absolutely horrendous for me as I knew I was losing my Mum and my Daughter was leaving the country within a couple weeks of each other. I didn't think I was strong enough to cope but I was , I got through it half an hour by half an hour at a time until it got easier.

My Mum went to Asia for the last year of her life. She wanted to be near my Brother and meet her Grandchild. Obviously it was hard for me but it was what she wanted to do and I'm so glad she got to do it, there were no regrets on any side. I think this has helped with DD's plans and if she does end up in Asia permanently I am more at peace with the idea as a result.

If you'd looked at DD's class aged 10, she would have been the most unlikely to be living over seas at 17 and have a boyfriend (she wasn't interested at all before now). But it is how things have worked out. She's using the skills she got from college in setting up a small business and she is buckling down with her studying and DH and I are really pleased at how she copes with the various hurdles she's had to cope with.

On top of this a lot of us are at an age where we're coping with changes in our own hormones plus a new found anxiety is becoming quite prevalent talking to a lot of friends.

I've found that for me personally it has been important since DD left to challenge myself to do new things e.g. My first long haul flight this year which I was dreading, going up in a cable car and I'm project managing a building project. I'm trying to expand my horizons as DD does the same if that makes sense.

I have put my foot down a couple of times e.g. When she said her priority was earning money to travel further and I pointed out it was finishing her education and that was the basis we had agreed to her going. As time has gone on she is definitely appreciating our support more and more and is starting to voice it now.

Bit hesitant to post this as it's all very me, me. But I hope there might be bits in there that might strike a chord and help a little.

Thank you Mirabelle, your thoughts have helped, and you certainly understand my issues.

Just had a long chat with Dd, she's very upbeat and having a great time, although the weather is getting very cold, very quickly. We didn't mention the future, we'll just leave that for now I think. Her normally quite dry skin has become much, much worse since she's been there and she was showing me patches of very painful, split skin that have appeared all over her body. I feel so useless, if she was at home we would be at the GP getting something strong to help, but all I could advise was to get a native speaker and go to a Chinese Pharmacy and show them the problem, if they can't help it will be a case of going through her insurance and finding a doctor, all of which is hassle and extra expense. I'm prepared for that, but life isn't so simple now.

Getting to a Doctor was something I hadn't been prepared for being tricky but has been. I thought she could produce her EHIC card and get seen pretty easily but in the summer they were only seeing foreigners for emergency cases so it did end up being a going through the insurance case.

We're finding the same with the weather , DD has been doing some shopping to have suitable winter clothing so she's fully kitted out to cope with the temperatures coming at her. I'm not looking forward to when she only gets a few hours of daylight either as I think she'll struggle.

The other day her and boyfriend both looked ill, knackered and miserable as have a bug and I really wanted to give them both hugs but had to make do with voicing concern and trying to sound rallying.

I think you're very sensible not mentioning the future at the moment, give yourself time to adjust. It may be she does in time feel differently - I've found expecting the unexpected helps !

I absolutely will support her with any option, other than the Chinese degree option, I can't bring myself to encourage her live so far away from us, not at such an early stage in her life

But you know, it's neither your right nor your decision to stop her.

You should be bursting with pride at your talented, visionary daughter, doing something really difficult & scary with such gusto & vision for her future. A true international - which is the future of this world, and people like your DD are our hope in these times of conflict.

Or would you rather she moped about, stayed at home, didn't aspire to a larger world view, and kept you happy? You know that is selfish & unreasonable? Maybe what you don't know is how much your selfish response could deter your daughter from living her own life to the full. I speak from experience of having a parent whose self-centredness stopped me from fully living as I wished to for too long.

It is her life, and you should be getting on with yours. Congratulations to you for raising such an enterprising and interesting daughter. Why not follow her lead?

my little girl closer to me

She's not little
She's not yours

Or would you rather she moped about, stayed at home, didn't aspire to a larger world view, and kept you happy?

At not point have I suggested that I want her to mope about and stay at home. I do believe there are other options for her to be successful in her life that don't involve her spending her first 5 years post-school in China. For the record (again) I fully expect her to spread her wings and leave home, she's got an amazing future and I don't expect her stay tied to us. The problem is that she is still very young and I think being lead by her heart and living in the moment rather than taking a more analytical view.

I think at the moment, If I took her on a beach holiday to Honolulu and she enjoyed it, she would probably want to stay there too - she's bursting with excitement at new experiences and she's not yet even 18yrs old. I'm going to try and keep her feet on the ground for a while.

I first moved abroad at 19. Best thing i ever did. I want my kids to have passion and follow their hearts. Nobody travels analytically.

OP you have to support her. As Chablis said she doesn't belong to you. Why not give yourself some credit that it's down to your relationship and parenting that she's developed a strong work ethic and independence?

My sister is high achieving and travel obsessed. My poor home body mum can't understand it at all and has been beside herself at times. She has lived abroad a number of times since she was about your DD's age.

DM accepts she has to let Dsis get on with it as stopping her isn't even possible now she's older but would cause a rift. It's hard when she gets into a spot and calls DM homesick etc but she just supports her as best she can. Similarly with me I have a dangerous hobby DM hates. But you have to let your kids be themselves and go on their own adventures