Gutted, selfish, but gutted.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

My Dd17 is currently spending a scholarship year in China studying Mandarin - it's a stand-alone scholarship she applied for during her final year of school and she's due to come home next summer. She's having a great time and has a boyfriend (one of last year's scholarship group who has been given a further 4-year scholarship).

She has applied for 2 courses for next year, one a vocational arts course and the other a languages course at a local top uni. I think gettin on the arts course is 50/50, but she has a very good chance for the languages course.

She broke the news to me yesterday that she's looking into applying for a full degree scholarship in China. I'm very upset. That would mean her leaving home at 17 and spending 5 years in China, with only a short trip (maybe 2) home every year. I was/am prepared for her to leave home for Uni, but this is so much more than that - effectively she's emigrating and I don't expect that she will ever come home to live. I wasn't ready for that and I regret giving her permission to apply for her current scholarship.

There's no guarantee that she'll get the scholarship, but she's pretty lucky and works hard so she probably will. I told her that I won't support her at all if she goes ahead. She did say that if she gets into the arts Uni (it's a Conservatoire) she'll come home, but she would rather do the languages course in China. I'm pretty sure some of this enthusiasm is coming from a relationship that's only a few weeks old.

How do I stay sane and do the right thing?

[Fauchelevent]

"She doesn't actually need my support" don't be so exasperating!!! Of course she needs your support, advice and guidance!!
You're being so unreasonable and unfair. It's understandable but you do need to wake up and realise what you're saying.

If my daughter doesn't make the choices I want, in order to fulfil my needs of having her close, I will guilt her for them and not support her!

You're not a bad person or mum, but you are being very silly and unreasonable right now.

[Tenpastlate]

I thought I would have my little girl closer to me
But she's not your little girl any longer.
And this is not about your emotional needs.
Give her your blessing and get an absorbing hobby.

I still live my life with more thought than is healthy for what my parents approve of. I feel resentful that my wings have been clipped.

[insan1tyscartching]

She will need your emotional support though, she should be able to feel secure in the knowledge that you are happy for her. You really need to put your feelings to one side, it has to be your dd's choice (made freely not because of some emotional blackmail by her own mother) If she chooses to go ahead now with what you have said she might well not even come back to visit if she thinks she is going to get guilt piled upon her.
My own ds made different choices from the ones I would have liked, he never knew I would have chosen differently for him though. He turned out to be very happy with his choice and it was right for him, what I would have wanted never came into it.
You need to eat humble pie with your dd and retract what you have said, explain it was said in haste and that you were just thinking how much you'd miss her but obviously whatever she chooses you will back her 100%.

[nonameavaliable]

No she doesn't need your financial support but she does need your emotional support.

You feel sick - get a grip.

You've had her for 17 years let her spread her wings and KNOW that you will be there watching her fly and to catch her if she falls.

I can not fathom what went through your head to say such a selfish unkind thing your own daughter.

Your had 17 years to install confidence and raise her. You've done a good job clearly don't ruin it now or you will lose her forever.

Your choice is either to be the mum that she knows put her first or the one that ruined her university choice.

Because if her decsion is influenced by your PREFERENCE and emotional blackmail you will have ruined it. Trust me, I see people everyday that were blackmailed into university and a career that makes them miserable, sick, and resentful of their parents.

Tell her you where in shock and didn't mean it. Quickly before the damage is done.

[lyndaday]

I moved to the other side of the world to study at 18. My parents and extended family made a big fuss about how I wasn't doing the right thing and how worried they were that they would never see me again (this was way before the internet and my only contact was costly phone calls and airmail letters). After a year things weren't working out for me abroad and I came back to the UK, but because my family had been so unsupportive, I developed an independent life away from them in the UK and I might just as well have been abroad.

I can understand that it's hard but be proud that you've raised a DD who is trying to make the most out of life and try to focus on the now, not what might happen next week, month, year. There's no guarantee that she'll go, that she'll stay for the period of time, that your life circumstances won't change etc etc. As pp have said, if you don't offer support now then you risk not being able to be there for her in the future. Also, OP can I ask, is she an only child or an only DD? I'm an only child and your attitude seems very similar to my 'D'Ms.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

No, she's my younger child, I also have a Ds19 who has ASD. He's probably going to be at home or near home forever. I'm generally a balanced and pragmatic person but I feel gutted, our family will never be the same if she does this.

[Coffeewith1sugar]

I would be extremely proud if my dd said she was to study abroad for a degree. More because I know it would be a huge step for her own personal accomplishment. Seeing her persue her dreams would be enough for me to let her go and be happy with that journey. But having said that I would want to know if the university that has given her the scholarship renowned and reputable? I say this as many universities China aren't that brilliant my hubby knows more about this area than I do. I will ask him later.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

It's seems to be reputable in China and is a specialist Uni for international students. It's not a Uni many Western employers will have heard of, or at least I don't think it is.

[choirmumoftwo]

My DS is currently exploring a gap year scholarship in Australia, which terrifies the life out of me for many reasons - what if it doesn't work out, what if he's really miserable, what if he needs a hug, what if he never comes back? But do you know what, I'm so proud of him and his maturity, that he even has the confidence to consider the possibility. And that's at least in part due to the way we've raised him. It will break my heart if he goes but he will have 100% support from us in any way it's needed. That's being a parent.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

what if it doesn't work out, what if he's really miserable, what if he needs a hug, what if he never comes back?

I'm dealing with first issues, it's hard to know that she'll have bad days and ill days but I'm aware that she's learning how to be resilient and it has to happen. For the sake of a gap year, these are all tolerable. It's the last issue that might become a reality. It's scary.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I told her that I won't support her at all if she goes ahead

Tbh if that is your attitude you will 'lose' her by pushing her away or smothering her anyway.

[Coffeewith1sugar]

I remember my hubby saying their is only about under 10 or so uni that are world leading. And those are impossible to get into as the entrance exams are for geniuses. A lot of students in China want to do degree in Hong Kong or Singapore as it gives them better access connections to work in the west or do masters in the west. DH is lived in Hong Kong for 22 years so knows a lot about China too as still has a lot of connections there. If she wants to work in China or asia then yeah it maybe a good career path as having excellent English is a advantage too as well as mandarin.

[lyndaday]

OP you say your family life will never be the same if she does this, but never be the same as what? You can't make the future happen as you want it to, even if she goes to the local uni things are unlikely to pan out exactly as you expect. And as for worrying that she'll never come back, I know it's easy for me to say but focus on the here and now and don't waste energy stressing about something that at the moment is only a remote possibility. If it happens you'll find a way to deal with it (but only if you still have a good relationship with her).

[choirmumoftwo]

OP, I know exactly what you mean about the never coming back, and I don't know how you get your head round this. It would be devastating. But surely you'd support her if she wants to give it a go? You've given her the wings to fly (corny I know but no less true for all that) and it's ultimately her life to live.

[BradleyPooper]

You can help how you feel but you can help what's coming out of your mouth. As an expat who moved overseas aged 21 and hasn't been back, family support is important but its easy to lose touch and strain relationships with those who are lukewarm. You'll lose your daughter altogether (if you haven't already).

[NotCitrus]

If she goes to a uni in the UK she'll come come probably for a couple weeks at Christmas and Easter, and most likely be doing all sorts elsewhere over the summer.

If she goes to China she'll similarly be home for a few weeks a couple times and make more effort to see you when she does. It's a shock and mentally seems further, but in reality there's precious little difference.

Thanks to Skype and Facebook you could well be closer if she's further away, than if she's down the road but never bothers coming round.

[Phaedra11]

That's to tough to bear, dot, it really is. Look after yourself, find some one you can talk to who will really listen and not judge (professional or otherwise). And then make the decisions you need to make about how best to maintain that daughter- mother relationship

[dotdotdotmustdash]

I certainly haven't lost her already, this morning we were planning her short trip home in February via Skype. We message or talk most days, I can prop my phone up against the kitchen until and chat with her for an hour while I'm making dinner. We are very close and hopefully always will be.

She took a trip to China last year with her school, only for two weeks and well-supervised by a teacher. I had a phone call from her teacher to tell me that she had taken Dd to hospital because she had been unwell for a few days. Dd was ok, and got her health issues sorted out when she came home, but my blood ran cold and I felt absolutely useless. My 16yr old was 5000 miles away and I couldn't do a thing and couldn't have reached her in less than 24 hrs if she had been seriously ill. It's terrifying.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

unit not until

[Phaedra11]

Should have said "tough to bear" not "to tough to bear".

[Coffeewith1sugar]

There's no Facebook in China it's banned. They have to use other forms of social networks that are filtered.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

There's no Facebook in China it's banned. They have to use other forms of social networks that are filtered.

This is officially true, but Dd and the other scholars are all managing to use Fb with their VPNs, although they're tending to use the Chinese version, WeChat instead. WeChat seems stable and is working well for us.

[Coffeewith1sugar]

Ah I see, so kind of a jail break re route to use FB, Clever girls. DH say the uni's in China do have there own league table is called C9 or something is equivalent to Russell group or ivy league. Dh say if your dd can get into any of them is worth it. Since your dd can get into Edinburgh it's worth a shot to see if she can get scholarship for a C9 uni. But otherwise not really worth. The move will be more for cultural enrichment, job employment in asia and enticed by not having to pay fees and be in debt as she would doing undergrad degree in the UK. As some post have already mentioned she could effectively take a degree in world leading UK university and do a year in China wouldnt that be better.

[dotdotdotmustdash]

We're in Scotland so there would be no Uni fees for Dd at a Scottish Uni. Edinburgh and Glasgow are both within daily travelling distance so there would be no need for halls fees, but we could manage to help with that if she wanted to live out and her expenses loan didn't cover it. I would love her to do the degree at Edinburgh and take off on a sandwich year to China and this current year abroad would prepare her well for that. I think an Edinburgh degree would be useful in the future and she also thought that until recently.