EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 4

[madeinkent]

DD and her friends secured their house yesterday. There are 5 of them, and a new house came on, and they dashed over to see it, and then straight on to the Letting Agents to confirm they wanted to take it. As they were filling out the forms another group came in wanting the same property, and both groups' details were sent to the Landlord who confirmed they'd let it to DD and her friends. Small matter of immediate deposit of £430 plus agent's fee of £180 (per person). She's given our names and details as guarantors, and says it will just be for her room, not for the whole house! Presume we'll get something through the post soon and will need to check it carefully. She's in Catered Halls this year, which she has really been enjoying, but this should be much cheaper even though it still seems quite expensive.

That sounds about right for what DS was doing in the summer last year, he left it until late and then just slotted in with whoever, and it has worked very well for their household. I wasn't surprised they asked him for a retainer, just that he had to do it so early. The whole thing has been interesting to watch.

secret yes they do random flats shares which I agree might be the best thing. It's all so pot luck. It either clicks or it doesn't fit somehow. Not long til Christmas! I always think this term is the hardest!

Really feeling it today for some reason. Things had definitely been getting easier, but the last weekend he was home we had a bit of a falling out and that's really preying on my mind now.

Not sure how to proceed - ignore and plod on or try to clear the air? DS is typical in that he will not be forthcoming re feelings and is pretty scathing if I'm upset so might be best to just plod on. Think I might be getting quite low atm.

Age since I posted (under a different name pre-Jeffrey!).

DD has put a deposit on a flatshare - just her and one of her friends from her current on-campus accommodation. So that's all good

BUT - she's phoned me this morning feeling so ill, and I've convinced myself she's got glandular fever - sore, swollen throat, exhausted (but aren't they all?) and muscle twitches. Just want her home so I can look after her

ChipInTheSugar I miss a few posters who seemed to have gone through the whole secondary /UCAS? empty nest thing. I presumed a lot had NC.
Will she be coming home soon for Christmas. I am bringing DS and a mountain of laundry home this weekend.
OhBeloved Hardto know as I don't know your DS. If it were mine I would be honest and say that xyz had upset me and I hoped we could forgive and forget. Is he coming home soon?

Well, Gp has diagnosed flu and told her to come home, but DD thinks she's on the mend, and doesn't want to spread her germs round at home. So the current plan is to stay in her bed, being checked on by two friends in her little block, making sure she's eating and drinking etc. Still want her home though I think she finishes next week anyway, and it's mostly revision lectures so she will hopefully sleep most of it off.

Well done mumeeee's DD, let us know how she gets on.

DDs finding her year abroad tough, the honeymoon period didn't last long and sometimes I felt like I was back in first year hell, the teaching style sounds like something from the 1960s, mistakes are put on the board for everyone to see although no constructive guidance is offered as anything less than 90% is seen as being disrespectful towards your teacher and as she's the only english student she can't ask her classmates for help. Just when I thought her confidence couldn't slip any lower she was turned down by a global company for a part-time job because her natural hair is lighter than the shades permitted can you imagine the field day the lawyers would have in this country if we didn't appoint because someone had curly hair. Thankfully she's now at the f*ck it stage, when she can't understand the teacher she googles the topic and her grades have started to pick up a bit.

DS will be coming home for Christmas break. It's so much harder having a fall out when they are at a distance, but probably sensible to try to talk

Not what I thought I'd be thinking about at this time of year.

Hope your DD recovers quickly Chip

ohbeloved what did you fall out over?

I think there is always an adjustment process when they visit or come back for hols. Are they a guest? No, but they don't really live there...lots of potential for rubbing each other up the wrong way!

DS1 picked up last Sunday evening for the Xmas break. Seemed genuinely apologetic that he had brought his final week's washing home rather than doing it there before he left. Well he convinced me anyway :)

Notso That's dreadful! Interesting to see discrimination in action from a different culture though.

As for arguments while the DCs are away at uni - I always find that I am still upset by it long after they have completely forgotten about it all. This is because I am no longer the centre of their universe, I am just the one on facebook messaging them to change their bed/eat well/go to the dentist/get a haircut/buy a b'day present. I think I became their conscience, so was therefore not quite as welcome. Apart from when they are ill or broke, of course. I haven't bothered to contact DC for weeks - and miracle of miracles, DBH has just informed me that DS has bought me a xmas present WITH NO PROMPTING. As DD has just sent me a message asking what we all want, I am thinking a little withdrawal can only be a good thing!

Made, you sound so like me. I sometimes feel all I do is nag. Latest was "Don't forget to send Granny a Christmas card". She didn't last year and I was not allowed to forget it by Granny who found the excuse that DD had exams insufficient. She is 20, I know, but doesn't always behave like it!!

Picked DS and his mountain of laundry up last week. Already the house feels ransacked. I thought DS2 made all the mess but clearly I am wrong.
Made messaging them to change their bed/eat well/go to the dentist/get a haircut/buy a b'day present. I think I became their conscience Yup. Not very MN to admit to reminding a grown adult to do stuff but I do find that bit by tiny bit he needs less nagging and does more without reminding.
Notso Oh dear, it sounds as though it's going to be a long year for your DD. Were they warned about the cultural differences and discrimination?

Update, DD has messaged me to say she has sent her card to Granny. So nagging does work.

SS she's been there a couple of times so had an idea but the racism was never as extreme or blatant as she's encountered.

They hadn't been warned about the teaching style as all work is directed whereas she's used to independent learning and I think that would've helped as a few of her friends at other unis are struggling. I'm just glad they've got SM to keep in touch with each other when they're having a bad day.

Well DD3 left on Saturday to go back to uni. Only a few months left I don't know where the time has gone. She has been busy over Christmas as has a few assignments to get in this week well one has to be in today and an exam next Monday.
She said the assessment day for that Graduate scheme didn't go very well. She got lost so was about 10 minutes late but the welcome talk had only just started so she did the whole day. They also forgot to give her extra time in the tests despite being told it was on her notes. They will contact her sometime this month to let her know how she got on.
She has now done 2 more video interviews for other Graduate schemes so hopefully she'll get somewhere.

I just can't believe that she may be leaving home completely soon and then we will have a complete empty nest.

Hello again. I NC for while but back now after a rest.

DD1 still at home until next week - still very happy.

DD2 back (got through floods / massive train journey) and she has her house sorted for next year. Loves university, flat and course.

Hope you are all well.

Littleham I wondered where you were, I've missed you! I have to say I'm a little fed up with MN at the moment. A rest /NC sounds like a good idea.
Glad to hear the DDs are happy. DS is going back this weekend, not sorted house for year 3 yet though.

My DD goes back this weekend. It's been lovely having her here. She's already been in tears as not wanting to go back. She showed me a series of texts that her house mates had sent her. Bullying, calling her horrid names. It shouldn't be like this.

Fingers crossed mumeeee, hopefully they'll get easier with experience - interviews are such a false scenario they're all about who performs well on the day but sometimes you just click with the interviewer and hey presto.

Head your poor DD, I was where you are last year and it was so hard but my DD realised she needed to finish the course to get to where she wants to be and finally met a nice group of friends shortly after going back after the xmas break.

DDs decided she's coming home between semesters - she was going travelling but says she's missing home and English food. Deep down I think she's blown her savings as she's arranged to work for a month but I don't care because she's coming home to cause mess, chaos and probably arguments but the house is too quiet without her!

Can she move accommodation Headofthehive or is it a house where you have paid ahead?

Hi SecretSquirr3ls.

Oh Headofthehive, that is horrible. Can she possibly look to move?

You would have hoped that these girls would have grown out of all of that crap by now, but maybe some never do.

My DD1 went back to Paris on 28th December as she had to start work again this week. She had a 10 day stretch at home which was very busy and seemed far too short. I wish she could have had another week and I think she would have liked it too. Feel a bit cheated, but she is working as a teaching assistant, and schools are already back.

I'm in need of some advice, help, support. So my dd went back to uni today 1st year student. She hasn't been home since she started in September so Xmas holiday was her first time coming back to the nest. She has been so far loving her course and the uni, thats whats shes been telling us. However when we dropped her off at the train station waved her goodbye. My husband went back to give her a scarf and brolly she left behind, ticket man let him through to the platform she was at. He found dd sobbing, which broke my heart. In my head I'm hoping it's because she is missing us and not that she is hating going back to uni. She's our only child. So have never gone through this before, me and dh have never attended uni so don't know what it is like to live away from home as a student. I've what's app her and she seems fine. But again I'm just worried she's not liking living away, but not telling us, so as not to worry us. Am I over thinking this, we're your dc like this after seeing them off at Xmas. It's just that I didn't expect her to be so emotional about leaving us. It's normally me who's in floods leaving her. I don't know maybe I need to get a grip. I thought she would be happy to go back to be honest. Im wondering if she's homesick? If so what do you do to help them?

It is a big thing for them even if they are loving it.

My DD is generally not the type for much homesickness, but although she loves uni she does admit to finding some aspects hard and when they come up she does feel it. It might be when she is ill, or if there have been arguments in their house.

I don't think it is unusual for them to put on a brave face and the mask slips when mum and dad are out of sight. I was quite capable of that when I was a student too.

My DD is on a year abroad in Paris. I remember helping her get to the Eurostar at St. Pancras in London and it was crystal clear that both of us were struggling to hold it together.

She admitted when I went to visit her a few weeks later that when she had gone through customs she dissolved and blubbed all the way from London to Paris. I admitted that I too had dissolved then.

We are all good now. Sad when she went back after Christmas, but looking forward to our family visit in February.

I don't think what you describe is unusual at all. WhatsApp is your friend when you have a student. Keep in touch that way and she will feel any of the extra support she craves.

How far away is she? Could you plan a family long weekend in a hotel or B & B near her for about the middle of the term? Give all of you something to look forward to.

Thank you top hearing your dd going to Paris and how you both talked things through about how you missed each other really helped me think about how I should approach this. My dd is nearly 4 hrs train journey away from home, so its not convenient for her to come home on weekends. I thought she would have problems coping not comming home for so long but she seemed fine. Maybe comming home for the first time has been overwhelming for her and its now hitting her how much she missed home:(. Im hoping shes not unhappy because shes hates being so far away and is very homesick . We are planning to see her end of the month when its her birthday.
So far her grades have been fine. She's has exams starting on the 15th but proper lectures won't be till 25th. So she could be anxious and stressed too. I have been what's apping tonight telling her that we are always there for her no matter what and it's not long till we go down to see her. But I just have this image of her being alone and isolated. Her friends aren't back yet. Some don't have exams so she won't see them till end of the month. It's so hard and I thought it would get better as time went on and she's settled in. But comming home seems to have made things worst it seems.