EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 4

[madeinkent]

DD and her friends secured their house yesterday. There are 5 of them, and a new house came on, and they dashed over to see it, and then straight on to the Letting Agents to confirm they wanted to take it. As they were filling out the forms another group came in wanting the same property, and both groups' details were sent to the Landlord who confirmed they'd let it to DD and her friends. Small matter of immediate deposit of £430 plus agent's fee of £180 (per person). She's given our names and details as guarantors, and says it will just be for her room, not for the whole house! Presume we'll get something through the post soon and will need to check it carefully. She's in Catered Halls this year, which she has really been enjoying, but this should be much cheaper even though it still seems quite expensive.

That sounds about right for what DS was doing in the summer last year, he left it until late and then just slotted in with whoever, and it has worked very well for their household. I wasn't surprised they asked him for a retainer, just that he had to do it so early. The whole thing has been interesting to watch.

I helped DD get her two massive cases to the Eurostar terminal at St. Pancras in London this afternoon to set off for Paris. She was very nervous this time, so very emotional for both of us.

I went as far as I was allowed to, but then it felt as though I had to abandon her and send her off on her own to a place where she will initially know nobody.

She admitted that she was far more scared of this than she was of actually going to uni for the first time a couple of years ago. Both of us near to tears this time and trying to hold back. So much harder than when she just goes back to Warwick.

She has arrived safely now, but the friend she will be living with will not be arriving until the weekend, whereas DD has a couple of training days for her job this week.

Still feeling rather tearful now, though I do think things will get better as this next fortnight wears on.

Hugs to everyone else still feeling it.

Topseyt I have felt you pain. DS was on his year abroad a couple of years ago. He was the only language assistant for miles around and had to travel miles to the coast to socialise with other assistants and the school where he lived was very rural. He flew down and had all his excess sent by send my bag which didnt arrive for several days. I was worried about him for the first time since he had left for uni. He was fine and landed up having a great year and meeting his American girlfriend who he is still with. Good luck to your DD, I'm sure it will work out fine.

Thanks fussy. Feeling better today. She has a busy day today, so that will help.

She also found out last night via FB or some such that three or four of her lesser known course mates are already in Paris. They are all in the same boat and are meeting up for a meal this evening.

She is happier, so I am happier, though missing her like mad.

I know what you mean about leaving them at the barrier Topsey, DDs well-travelled, often by herself, but watching her go and knowing we won't see her for a year was horrible.

Fussy I'm glad you reminded us that your son was in the middle of nowhere as DDs missing having someone english to speak to even though she didn't want to go to a uni that took a large british cohort. Thankfully, one of her mentors took her to a uni club today and she's 'made lots of new FB friends' who are into similar things although they did laugh at the music she makes us suffer listens to.

Thanks fussy. Feeling better today. She has a busy day today, so that will help.

She also found out last night via FB or some such that three or four of her lesser known course mates are already in Paris. They are all in the same boat and are meeting up for a meal this evening.

She is happier, so I am happier, though missing her like mad.

Eh? Why do some of my posts keep appearing in duplicate.

Ignore the second one. Perhaps it can be deleted at some point.

Thanks notso. Yes, it was watching her go at the customs barrier, with both of us nervous and fighting back tears that did it for me.

DD isn't usually a particularly nervous types, but this is a big thing even for her. She will be doing a teaching assistant job, not attached to a uni, and the French authorities haven't yet even told her which school she will be placed at (next week). That has narked her a fair bit too.

Oh I'm in awe of you, Topseyt, my daughter went to Heidelberg for a year and it does seem so scary to begin with - she ended up having a brilliant time with lots of European travel. Post uni-drop off is a strange time, I've blogged about it if you're interested . helloemptynest.com/2015/10/01/10-things-ive-learned-since-finding-myself-in-an-empty-nest/ Thank goodness for mumsnet threads to remind me that there are others out there :-)

Just looked through this thread and wanted to empathise with those who are missing their kids who've gone to university for the first time. My son left today to start his third year, and I remembered how overwhelmingly sad I was two years ago. Missing him was so so painful, it felt like I'd never recover. But I did! It's completely fine now. For me, it took about six weeks that first year, before I began to feel like myself again. Nothing much helped, just keeping busy and crying on my husband's shoulder. If you're feeling like this, hang on in there, be kind to yourself, cry over the baby photos if you need to, and know that it will get much much easier. I love it when he's home now, but I honestly don't feel majorly sad when he goes back now... A tiny bit wistful now and again, which feels ok.

Thanks Susanne1. I will look at the blog later when I have more time (dinner time soon).

I thought I had the letting go licked by now, but the year abroad is such a big thing and I have never seen her so nervous. What I think made it worse is that it took me back to my own year abroad (I was also a languages student), and how daunting I found it back at the start. It was both a help and a hindrance that I knew exactly what she was going through, as I have been there myself and remember it very clearly.

Once she had gone through customs I just sat on a bench for a while at St. Pancras, not really feeling able to leave for a little while. It felt really strange and my legs were like jelly.

I am more or less over it now. She is in her rented flat, has met some uni friends, and is more or less unpacked and settled. She skyped me yesterday afternoon on her phone, and was taking me on a tour of the flat, which looks very nice. She even showed me the view out of the window, where the Eiffel Tower can clearly be seen in the distance (she is in Montmartre). That was really good, and we had a good conversation. Apparently she has been told there is a lady who lives in the same block who owns a couple of the other flats and rents them out to tourists, so you never know. Maybe DH and I could rent one for a long weekend and get the Eurostar over there with our two younger DDs.

Daisy, you are right too. It is usually just wistfulness now, although the last few days did take me back to square on briefly. It is always helpful to come on here and reinforce that you are not alone, even though it feels like it.

Second year lectures have started and are apparently quite a step up from the first year. DS says even the first lecture for one of his maths courses set off at a really fast pace and the lecturer has told them that they need to prepare in advance for future lectures.

A realisation that school and first year were a picnic in comparison with what is to come. He says the library was full on the first day back. Lots of Masters Degree students, determined not to miss a minute. He says there is quite a lot of internal "dropping out" with students taking "softer" accountancy options. So far he is sticking with core economics and maths options. If he gets through with good grades he will really have proved himself. It is not easy. (And this is without the essays he would have had to write had he gone to Cambridge, and with longer terms.)

Dropped DS off on Friday finally.
His lectures start on Tuesday.

He has been back home so long over the summer I had got used to it. Oddly I feel this year it's harder for me. Last year I was so happy and relieved that he was loving his new life that it made it easier to cope with.
Also I am suddenly aware that this time next year DS2 will have gone as well .

Hi All just checking in quickly. How are all your DS's doing? DD3 has been applying for Graduate schemes. She has passed a telephone and a video interview for one of them and has got through to the next stage. Which is an assessment day where she will be doing various tests and things. She has told them about her learning difficulties and they said she can have extra time in the tests. DH and I are very proud of her

Well done mumee's DD. Its internships for DS. Large firms in the financial sector (including public sector bits) are increasingly using internships as a recruitment vehicle, effectively a six week interview. So getting onto one of them is an extended process involving applications, apptitude tests, phone interviews and then a main interview. DS did not manage to get on one last year but has got a bit further this. Its difficult. I'm not sure he really knows what he wants to do, and so hope he does not feel funnelled into something because you want to make sure a door is not closed. Still the experience is useful.

This thread disappeared. I wondered how everyone was doing?
Fingers crossed for your DD mumeee.
DS has been to lots of career events and done on courses on interview skills, CVs etc. These seem to have helped with his shyness and self confidence. He doesn't seem to think a summer placement is crucial to his career choice but is planning to apply to one or two. Agree Needmoresleep that the experience would be useful even if they choose a different career path eventually.

The issue of third year accommodation is now on the agenda. How have others found their second year house share?

Second year house share. Ouch. My DD hasn't enjoyed her house share, I had tried to suggest it all might work out, but it really hasn't. Some of it is the fact she never really became friends with her housemates, very different courses, and social lives, leading to her not having much in common.

She has come home most weekends. I am hopeful for next year however as she has a couple of different people to share with.

DS doing well on his post grad course so far and is now renting a flat on his own with the prospect of his girlfriend coming over from US to live with him post Xmas. So apart from Christmas when he'll probably come here ( to save money on food & heating) I reckon my bird has flown the nest for good so I shall probably only lurk on this thread from now on.

Good luck to all you nesters and your fledglings and enjoy your times together.

I think this thread just got lost amongst all the other threads in Higher Education.
DD3 has been able to stay in halls for all 3 years. It is better for her because of her learning difficulties. This year there are only 3 girls in her flat. The other 2 are doing a PHD. I asked her if she found it lonely. She said no and it was good as she has a lot of work to do this year. All 3 of them want to work so it's not too noisy.
She has friends on her course and outside of uni

Ah fussychica better than him moving to the US though
Headofthehive55 DS's house share isn't as bad as your DDs then, but very different courses, and social lives definitely. He misses having anyone else doing the same subject as him, just for bouncing ideas. He would have stayed in halls given a choice and would love to go back to halls next year but it's not possible.

Ds is in halls for his second year , but is thinking of getting a flat next year [ he has a lovely girlfriend now , and a part time job ] and as hes in London , there seems to be a lot of accomadation around ,
DD is doing fine now , after us thinking she wouldnt last 2 weeks , she is now talking about who she wants to share a house with next year
She has run out of money ,big time [ thats what happens if you live on chocolate and alcohol
House is lovely and tidy , but im looking forward to having them both home for the holidays [ UNTIL THE ARGUING STARTS } GRRRRR

I feel a bit disoriented, as DS has started all over again after two years on a different course. Still, he seems very happy and has made lots of new geeky friends, and has a new flatmate who also does computer sciences, but is only in Cambridge for a year from Warwick, doing an internship. He is earning money teaching some of the others how to do coding, he said the first week was really easy - and then leapt forward by about in a year in its expectations, by school standards, so he thinks a few students will be leaving if they can't catch up. He says that many of them can't seem to accept that they do have to work independently outside uni hours, they are treating it like school, or college. He is only just twenty, but he said that seeing all the new students arriving made him feel really old!

After just over two years, I can honestly say I don't miss him anywhere near as much as I did. I love to see him, I feel a pang when we part, but not having the day-to-day relationship we had makes a big difference. I don't hear all his news or know all about his social life and friends anymore, and actually it's quite a relief. I've only had one phone call asking for a bit of advice this year - and it was to do with rubbish bins, the day before a house inspection.

Six students living in one house with only one rubbish bin and a fortnightly collection was always going to be a problem, it overflowed the week they all moved in and the bin men left it. They then left it and the accompanying black bags the fortnight after, as well. I explained that it was never going to be collected, let alone by 9am the following morning, by which time they had eight black bin bags. I told them to take all the recycling first to a supermarket carpark, by bus. Then to take a bag each, after squishing it down a bit first and popping it into a clean bag, and find an area where all the bins were out waiting for a collection, and find bins that were only half full. Thus it was that DS&Co went out heavily disguised and spent a thoroughly enjoyable evening pretending to be evil bin-filling ninjas.

Apologies to anyone living in Cambridge - I didn't really think they would do it! I had offered to phone the council and ask them to collect it asap.

Hmm. It seems my DD now has no one to share with next year. I don't think her uni years are going to be remembered with much fondness.

Oh dear Hoth - it sounds miserable :( Very sorry for your DD, it seems to all stem from having to sign up too early in first year.

I think it all stems from getting her insurance place mollo. We seemed to start off on the back foot and it's never been brill. On the upside however she'll probably do very well degree wise as she spends a lot of time working!

Hoth perhaps a random house share might work out better for her then? Does her uni do it's own off campus shared accommodation?
DS wanted to avoid an all boys house as he suspected it might be too laddish and all out party for him. He would prefer to share with the girls again next year but they are all doing year abroad or industry.

Ds has been lucky. He failed to meet anyone in his huge prison like intercollegiate hall in his first year but instead met some boys from the year above living in a flat nearby. There was a vacancy so he moved in with them this year. Most will be leaving London at the end of this year but a couple of their friends plan to do postgrad so have expressed interest in moving in. The advantage is that third years work hard and post grads even harder. Plus all of them are taking maths heavy degrees.DS came home today inter alia to pick up cleaning stuff. They have a strict cleaning rota.