EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 4

[madeinkent]

DD and her friends secured their house yesterday. There are 5 of them, and a new house came on, and they dashed over to see it, and then straight on to the Letting Agents to confirm they wanted to take it. As they were filling out the forms another group came in wanting the same property, and both groups' details were sent to the Landlord who confirmed they'd let it to DD and her friends. Small matter of immediate deposit of £430 plus agent's fee of £180 (per person). She's given our names and details as guarantors, and says it will just be for her room, not for the whole house! Presume we'll get something through the post soon and will need to check it carefully. She's in Catered Halls this year, which she has really been enjoying, but this should be much cheaper even though it still seems quite expensive.

That sounds about right for what DS was doing in the summer last year, he left it until late and then just slotted in with whoever, and it has worked very well for their household. I wasn't surprised they asked him for a retainer, just that he had to do it so early. The whole thing has been interesting to watch.

It is really difficult at first and we cannot help the way we feel. My DD is going into second year and I am much better this year, although I still feel there is more to worry about as she is now in a house rather than halls. In halls she had a lot of security.

We have had a lot more contact this time as she tries to work out how everything works - last night it was the heating! But today they will all be there, all her housemates, so I guess they will start to work these things out together and we may hear from her less. In the first year we had contact every few days.

The best thing is the freedom to go out and do things on your own with your DS or DH. Try and arrange some bits and pieces to keep yourself busy.

That's great. She will start to meet her course peers soon and make friends there - I found that comforting too.

I can really sympathise, empty nest is a tricky one. I feel it's particularly tricky because we see it coming a mile off, but somehow it still hits us like a brick wall. I've started a blog on the whole transition, because I think so many of us are going through it, would love to get others' views shared on this helloemptynest.com/2015/09/21/where-we-stand-when-theyve-flown-the-nest-from-uni-drop-off-back-to-the-empty-nest/. I definitely plan to meet up with others in the same boat for a glass of wine and a chat to cheer me up!

susanne just had time to browse your blog. What an amazing blog!!. Reading through it, im feeling so much better. It's nice to know I'm not going mad or mental with some of my thoughts and worries I'm having. I'm also extra anxious because dd is going to a uni she didn't want to go to initially, and it was much persuading from me and DH. I feel alot of responsibility on my shoulders if she hates the uni and the course.

You've captured exactly how it feels. Im feeling it more today because Im here in the house alone today, and even though my boy wasnt a particularly noisy kid, there is still a 6'5 hole hereabouts.

The one thing we agreed on before he left, was the odd visit. We also decided it was best going to see him at Uni rather than him coming home. I read that the kids actually find it harder to leave their home again, rather than wave goodby from their new surroundings, in the first few months.

Thank you, Bagpuss I had a feeling that there were lots of us out there on this roller coaster. I hope your daughter will enjoy uni although it may take a little time, expectations are so high straight away and most things take a little getting used to before we enjoy them, don't they. My daughter is a bit surprised by how much free time she has before lectures start so she's trying to get a handle on things like the gym and town tours etc. Hope it all works out. I like the idea of visiting at uni rather than them coming home, great idea!

My daughter has just left for Uni and I feel so lost. Any advice? How long is it going to last??

No advice here either , Im afraid , just keep plodding on , Im texting once a day , replying when they reply to me,
Im also trying to do a little extra task each day , as i have more time ! today I emptied all the upstairs waste bins , tomorrow it will be cleaning the wash hand basins , oh , the excitement !

DS has gone off happily to start his second year , and back to his girlfriend { after a long distance relationship summer }
We took DD to Uni on Saturday , she had so much stuff , but we managed to squeeze everything into the car , somehow
Im missing her terribly today , in a very different way from missing DS
Its strange ... she has already phoned and asked for extra money , not sure when the loans and grants get paid , hope its not too long !!!
Glad DD sorted out the problem with the assignment mummee

mumeee He was ok, although a bit subdued at first, because once the others realised he had come back, they followed a few days earlier than they had originally planned - all except for the newest member of the household, I doubt his parents would let him leave early!

It's still very, very tough, but as each term passes the pain lasts for fewer days. I admit to getting ENS really badly, looking back I think I was quite depressed for the first year. DS is my youngest and I had had school runs for 25 years when he started at uni. That's a huge part of your life, I felt as if I had been made redundant from a job I loved. However, it's become very obvious that in many ways he still needs us. It becomes a fine balance between encouraging him to make his own choices and preventing him from making mistakes, but we are glad that he still values our input and runs ideas past us. He is also quite put out if we don't ask him if he would like to come away with us, or even have the odd day out, without inviting him, which we find hilarious! We have visited him at weekends occasionally, and a couple of times he has said he would be too busy doing things so has turned us down gently, but he has made our birthdays by turning up unexpectedly by National Express. We stay in touch by FB messaging mainly, roughly every other day, otherwise I think I would be constantly texting him and irritating the hell out of him.

He went back a week and a half ago, and tonight I did get a pang when I saw the light wasn't on in his room this evening, and then also this evening I nearly cooked enough salmon steaks for him as well, but on the whole I am happy that I don't have to do as much cooking or washing, even though he was incredibly helpful this summer.

I really hope he likes his new course, I doubt if he could go back to music now. I worry that he will drop this degree too and I shall have an unemployed dropout on my hands! I have threatened him with sending him to help my NDN if he does that - he's a pig farmer!

Mine keeps pushing the date of return to uni back. At this rate I think she will be going back five mins before her first lecture! Although I will most likely see her lots, feel a little sad that she isn't looking forward to returning.

Now I've got fresher flu! Probably caught from my son as he caught it on the college bus.

madeinkent lovely post!
DS has made great strides towards independence but still asks for help and advice quite a lot. So I know what you mean about becomes a fine balance between encouraging him to make his own choices and preventing him from making mistakes.
He is another who has put off his return. He was offered some paid work following work experience so cant go back until the end of next week. Lectures don't start until the following week so he's not missing anything.
I'm not sure how he's going fit his stuff in his new room which is even smaller than uni halls.

I took DS out for lunch yesterday, and was astonished by his flat. Though second year he is sharing with some third years and it has been a continuous student let for years. It was so clean and tidy! Far better than properties I let to recent graduates.

He had seen an Asian school friend over the summer who is now at Cambridge and together they worked out the big advantage of London for overseas students. Lots of people stay over the vacations, so the campus/library are almost as busy at Christmas and Easter as they would be in term time and is still busy over the summer. His colege also has a high proportion of post grads who work flat out from day 1. Cambridge in contrast empties out and the (longer) holidays can be lonely.

At least secretsquirrels he has got a good reason not to want to return so soon. They must have liked him to want to give him paid work. He must be really pleased.

mumeeee You should be very proud of your DD for sorting everything out herself.

mrsrhod had DD2 enjoyed her first week, her halls sound perfect.

Great blog susanne

made that's a lovely post for all the new emptynesters.

I'm in a funny place after a grim first year with all DDs woes and angst followed by a 2nd year that she loved but came home every fortnight to work to having her so far away. She opted for a small apartment block rather than large halls as she thought it would be more sociable but the housemother's sons use the communal area as a playroom - yes housemother and there's an 11pm curfew - so everyone goes back to their room after lectures. The other students are mainly hispanic and there aren't many english speakers so she's feeling a bit isolated although she's been showing them round but they're on very tight budgets whereas DD worked her socks off last year so she wouldn't have to worry about the cost of doing things/going places. She loves her course, especially the teaching style, and she's not afraid to go out by herself (a music festival last weekend, the theatre tomorrow and she'll happily sit in a restaurant and peoplewatch) so she'll be fine.

I know what my problem is - I'm feeling old and redundant and envious of the opportunity and confidence she's got but you know what we should be proud of the great job we've done when they can stand on their own two feet and resolve problems themselves and as it's Friday we can have an extra glass of and not have to worry about being on taxi duty

notso I am glad you reminded me about the taxi part - I used to be sat in a gloomy carpark at some godforsaken hour and he would often be late at the car. I found the kindle a huge boon because I could read without having to put on the car interior light, thus advertising my presence to every murderer in the vicinity!

He went to his induction day on Friday in a new building. He went in with all the other newbies, then as it was only a 6 min walk from his house, decided to go back for lunch. He returned for the afternoon session and couldn't get in. He had completely forgotten that he would need to get his id entry card re-initialised for a different building. He couldn't work out what was wrong, he could have just gone to the main building, but instead he returned home.

I take back what I said about him being intelligent.

Mine went back yesterday. Heavy heart as she didn't want to go back. However I know she's coming home in a fortnight for a weekend.

Face timed DD this evening , after messaging her earlier to make sure this was OK
She looks white and exhausted ( but she had no make up on ) and is complaining of puffy eyes ( but not sore or itchy )
Been in her room all day ( though she has seen her flat mates ) watching Glee
First full day tomorrow , ballet , tap , dance histories and Pilates
Tuesday singing
Hope she does OK

That made me laugh madeinkent can't get in ? I'll go home then
That's what my DS would do too !
Boys ! I mean young men ...
But he's doing well , a bit older and wiser makes it easier for me

Spoke with DD this afternoon. Things not going well. Her housemates abandoned her on a night out last night and she was left to go home on her own. Don't know whether I'm more sad or angry.

We visited dd2 yesterday, she's only 30 minutes away. She requested a couple of things from home which was enough of an excuse to go over. They didn't have a toaster and we had a spare, that should make life a bit easier. She was fine and happy, a bit tired because it's all so new and she's had lots of late or disturbed nights, but is doing well. She loves her hall, big old Victorian house effectively with lovely tv lounge/ common rooms. We took her for lunch and heard all her news.

Lectures start today, more routine will help now I think.

Headof, that's terrible and one of my fears. Is she in year 2 and now with these people all year?

I saw this on the other thread too Head of the Hive. Very difficult not to feel upset on her behalf, it's a miserable way of the others to behave. Are they all girls? Did she give any sign that she wasn't happy generally last year or is the problem purely with this particular group? Often house choices are made far to early in the first year to work out well, but that seems to be the way the student letting cycle goes. I hope they all had rotten hangovers anyway. Your poor DD - hopefully they just got caught up in the night out and weren't really thinking.

Ohh, Head. I'd be angry with you.

Freshers is such a marmite event depending on who you first get landed with.

My DD was at least walked home last year when she went out but didn't go clubbing after. However, the night she did go clubbing, a male forcing himself on a very drunk flatmate caused my DD (sober) and another new flatmate(relatively drunk) to intervene and the things that were said caused a rift which never resolved itself between the target girl and the drunken helper and all year they didn't get on. I think being forced to be sudden "great friends" for two weeks (until new true friendships are formed) often cause these things to show their head. That really is an awful way for her flatmates to behave. You'd think just one of them would have had the sense to arrange a taxi with her or walk with her home.

yes mollo and Kez I think the problem has been she went into a house share far too early, later realising that the group of girls, although seemed friendly, my DD didn't really become close friends with. It seems they are much more party animals than my DD but had initially seemed less so.

It's partly why she didn't want to go back, but I certainly didn't expect them to leave her on her own. On the upside, she loves her course. It's a shame, as the uni was her insurance, so things like this can feed negative thoughts.