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Guest post: "This September, my daughters won't be going back to school"

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 30/08/2016 12:49

When we first considered home education, I pictured handwriting practice, daily reading tasks, desks and mini-projects. I used to be a teacher; I imagined some kind of co-op, where I'd teach four or five children Stuff I Knew and another parent would include our children in a similar group for Stuff They Knew.

We decided to opt out of the school system after a brief dabble with preschool for Evie, who's now five - her four-year-old sister Clara won't be starting school this September either. Society can sometimes laugh, with varying degrees of mirth, about the lack of fun and creativity in schools. But given the government push for testing and an ever-narrowing curriculum, we stopped laughing and just felt a bit sad. We decided that home educating would suit our family better.

Of course, we had early worries about doing the right thing for the kids; qualifications; making friends; the embarrassment of telling people.

Although I'd initially envisioned a kind of school at home, my children don't learn that way; in fact, few of us learn that way. It's how schools work because there are 30 children in each group with one adult, and that's hard to manage. It's what has always been done.

We're usually wet or muddy or covered in ice cream or - on good days - all three. Some days I'm Queen Elizabeth I at Hampton Court Palace (but a nicer one at Evie's instruction, because our ginger queen wasn't known for her benevolence) and the girls are my daughters (but secret, illegitimate daughters, because she didn't have any really). Other days we might go back to check on some tadpoles at the park. The girls are enthusiastic explorers and biologists. I'm a rather repetitive and slightly irritating Protector of the Tadpoles. No tadpoles have been harmed, but many have been stroked.

I always knew that these kinds of activities were legitimate ways of learning, but surely you'd also need lessons, or some form of structured teaching. I had read a bit about unschooling but I wasn't really convinced. The essence is that you live with your children and allow them to live: offer lots of opportunities and resources, and allow the children to choose how they spend their time. Be supportive and talk to them. It's the parenting that most of us did when our children were babies and toddlers. They learnt to talk and walk, and recognise individuals, they knew their colours and how to count, and how to stack things, and what would make them feel better if they got hurt. As I started to look for and find learning in ways that don't look like school, this way of educating, and living, made the most sense to me.

We're lucky these days that lots of unschooled kids have grown up and been to university; they're getting good jobs and living satisfying lives without ever having faced the stress of year 6 SATs or last minute Sunday night homework or bullying.

So we're unschoolers. We don't do it in exactly the same way as anybody else, because everyone has their own set of interests and learns in different ways. We go on all sorts of trips organised by home educating parents - to museums and nature reserves and sites of historical interest - and a whole lot of unorganised trips to parks and IKEA and the swimming pool. We read lots of books and go to the library to get more. We play with toys. We watch a lot of Netflix and YouTube and are currently in a phase of playing an abundance of Kirby's Epic Yarn on the Wii.

We spend time with lovely friends and travel around the country to see family. We never take tests; we're never limited by a curriculum; we don't sit if we want to run, nor do we run when we need to sit.

I don't worry about the same things any more, which luckily leaves me time to worry about the mess, or the sibling squabbles or what we'll have for tea instead. I know this is the right choice for us. If they need qualifications there are plenty of ways to get them; they have lots of friends of all ages; and I'm not at all embarrassed to tell people that we're not on holiday, actually, we home educate.

OP posts:
EB123 · 30/08/2016 19:30

Yes really, I only know of one family who I have met personally who own their own home. Home ed spans the whole range of people from poor as church mice to wealthy.

Roseformeplease · 30/08/2016 19:34

When home edders say things like "every myth you have heard about home ed" it makes me a bit cross.

Because they use "every myth you have heard about school" to justify their choice. Expensive uniform (my school has a vaguely required £12 hoodie) and narrow curriculum (a good teacher can bring anything to life) tests (only in some parts of the U.K.) and bullying (not all kids, not all schools) or high needs / ASD (many of whom thrive in school).

Far too many home ed enthusiasts paint SCHOOL as a bad place. Categorically not true.

Also, children thrive and strive when challenged and far too much unschooling is about drifting and exploring. There are certain things you need to be able to make progress. Reading a bit, or playing with a few tadpoles are great. But they are not enough. And, as a PP said, many children get this PLUS school which is only a small part of the week. (About 35 hours or a day and a bit).

Dollshead · 30/08/2016 19:40

It's really very frustrating to hear the myths surrounding home ed be bandied around by those that simply do not know the first thing about it. To assume all are rich is a perfect example of this. Home edders are not elitist, many are on minimum wage or are single parents. Their children are not isolated. They are parents, just like you, that believe that there is a different way. Struggling overcrowded schools with stressed out teachers, children in uniforms being denied the use of a toilet, denied the ability to be individual or be treated as having individual abilities...

Saying that children who don't go to school are missing out on real friendships is utter rubbish. Children have around 1 hour of true 'socialising' time and the rest they are told to sit down and shut up unless asked to speak. My daughter can't even eat lunch while having a chat.

FireSquirrel · 30/08/2016 19:40

"This is not a very good advert for home ed. How about learning just because? How about opening up doors you didn't know were there"

There's nothing wrong with learning for the joy of learning but I would question a system which forces children to learn things which they may have no interest in and which have no relevance to the life of the learner. Schools are always talking about 'summer learning loss'; I would suggest that the reason children aren't retaining the information is because it's of no relevance or use to them. A lot of what's taught in school is not true deep learning but rote memorisation; the information is memorised for as long as it's needed to pass a test and then forgotten again.

A good friend described home ed as 'opening up doors for my children but letting them decide which ones to walk through'. Home educating parents may not teach in the way a school teacher might but they strive to open doors, provide opportunities and create an educationally rich environment which best supports learning.

AngelBlue12 · 30/08/2016 19:40

Another renter home edder here :)

RitesOfSpring · 30/08/2016 19:41

Neither do our kids struggle socially because they do mix with others

Nobody has answered my question of how though. I know home edders get together in groups at times, but how does this compare to kids who see their friends for 6-7 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 5/7/11/16/18 years? I'm pretty pro home-ed, but that would be my concern if I were to go down that route. I made friends for life at school who I still speak to almost every day even now at age 31. Some I met at nursery back when I was 3 years old, lots I met at primary school at age 5, and some at secondary school. We are like a family. I want my kids to have the same opportunity.

Ilikegin · 30/08/2016 19:41

I was HE when it wasn't monitored a long time ago.. I joke I was brought up on ricki lake et al.. I am by no means unintelligent however my lack of GCSEs and structure during the early years of learning means I feel I have under achieved as an adult, I wish I'd gone through the system and gone to uni, I don't feel I can go back now either as 1) can't do without the money. 2) because I'm not used to structured learning I find I don't have the patience and would worry I wouldn't be able to stick it out.

RitesOfSpring · 30/08/2016 19:44

Children have around 1 hour of true 'socialising' time and the rest they are told to sit down and shut up unless asked to speak

This is not strictly true. From year 7 onward I spent at least half of every class talking to my friends! Then there are the breaks, bus rides to school and back, etc. The contact time and the amount of shared experience generated through that is massive.

MidnightVelvettheSixth · 30/08/2016 19:46

There's nothing wrong with learning for the joy of learning but I would question a system which forces children to learn things which they may have no interest in and which have no relevance to the life of the learner

But you have no idea what those things are at the time. I learned how to knit at school & haven't learned it since, however if I were the crafty sort then it would be knowledge put to good use. Its only after the teaching that you can see whether it needed to be learned or not iyswim. If I had learned how to stroke tadpoles then because my career isn't working with animals it would be useless knowledge that has no relevance to me :)

Dollshead · 30/08/2016 19:47

These aren't myths, since many home edders actually went to school themselves so are well aware of how schools operate . My child's uniforms cost much more than £12 Hmm 2x the following, logo shirts, logo jumpers, skirts, summer dresses, shoes (that last) not to mention school trips £250 to condover hall for a 9 year old. If you don't pay the trip might not go ahead for the others.

Sen children thrive in school? That's not what I hear day in day out on ASD and SEN groups, local and national. They are being denied help and support. Decreasing budgets and it's increasingly harder to get ehcps.

gillybeanz · 30/08/2016 19:51

Rites
I can only speak from my own experience but when dd was at school she had a couple of friends she saw outside school and this was it.
Whilst H.ed she kept these friends and still attended all the activities she did at school.
The LA run activities and outside clubs such as Brownies, scouts, TA, sports clubs are just as accessible to H.ed children as schooled.
I don't think dd missed out on friends and working/ socialising with children.
In fact, she got to meet far more people than she ever did confined to her own aged class mates.
We also found that the children couldn't really socialise at school give or take the odd 10 min play time. They were usually sat at desks working and having to be quiet.

Her school now is as close as we come to H.ed and suits her fine atm, but we revise on a termly basis and I would take her out and H.ed in an instant if it was what she wanted.

TwentyCups · 30/08/2016 19:59

Up thread someone said that some people HAVE to make HE a viable financial option due to schools failing their children.

I get this, I do. But there is sacrificing things to HE (budgeting, less holidays, lose the car etc) and that's one thing. Then there are people who literally have nothing TO sacrifice. If you are a LP who doesn't have wealthy family to fund you then honestly HOW can this be done? I also don't understand the work from home option - how can you be home educating your children and running a business from home? I don't see how there are enough hours to do both full time.

As it stands, having the option to HE is a luxury - it isn't something most people can afford. Really.

Iggi999 · 30/08/2016 20:01

I don't see how a genuinely poor family affords to he, as they are doing without a potential wage. Most of us struggle to do that for a few years when they are in preschool, how can you keep going for the whole of their childhood with money behind you? I think it's as much a luxury as private education. I am a teacher so obviously have my own bias, but a whole day spent where looking at some tadpoles is the main event sounds like a big waste of potential. The experience some describe just sounds like what many of us manage to give our children after school, and during weekends and holidays.

Iggi999 · 30/08/2016 20:03

and schools really aren't that quiet anymore Wink

simonwebbstache · 30/08/2016 20:03

"Also, children thrive and strive when challenged and far too much unschooling is about drifting and exploring."

You clearly do not know what Unschooling actually is. It is far from passive.

EB123 · 30/08/2016 20:05

I actually don't have an issue with school, I know some fab teachers. I just wanted to home ed because it is works best for our family. I have family and friends who choose school and that is working for them.

However those school myths you talk of are true, uniforms can be very expensive, the curriculum is narrow no matter how good a teacher is they still have to teach to the curriculum and so many good teachers find this so frustrating and leave the job due to it (lots of teachers actually end up HE for this very reason) , bullying exists no matter if it doesn't happen to everyone, and for every SEN child who may do well in school there are plenty of others who don't. They aren't myths if they are true?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/08/2016 20:06

I couldn't home ed because it doesn't suit me and in our family every member is as important as each other. I have met home edders who don't own their own home, but I've never met one who wasn't a woman. like attachment parenting, I think HE is just another thing designed to keep women chained to the home.

simonwebbstache · 30/08/2016 20:06

"Nobody has answered my question of how though. I know home edders get together in groups at times, but how does this compare to kids who see their friends for 6-7 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 5/7/11/16/18 years? I'm pretty pro home-ed, but that would be my concern if I were to go down that route. I made friends for life at school who I still speak to almost every day even now at age 31. Some I met at nursery back when I was 3 years old, lots I met at primary school at age 5, and some at secondary school. We are like a family. I want my kids to have the same opportunity."

Forced integration is not socialisation :)
Mine mixes with people every day. You cannot just "socialise" in school anyway.

TwentyCups · 30/08/2016 20:06

I think for wealthier people there are three options: HE, private school or state school.
Most of us only have one option. I'm glad we live in a country where HE is an option but as it stands it is only available to a privelsged few.
However, the only way out of this would be to offer grants to people who wanted to do this - but I don't think the government will be doing this unless there were measurable results to prove it worked. By doing this I think many home educators would lose the freedom they know have. It's just a shame that freedom comes with a price that means it's not available to all.

totalturmoil · 30/08/2016 20:06

*Gillybeanz
*
I understand your point. We are wealthy enough to afford to home educate but we are very conventional and would not consider anything other than mainstream education. The children are privately educated so I suppose it is slightly by the by BUT I do get your point. No one in my social circle would think of home ed and if they did, they'd be considered 'hippy'.

Roseformeplease · 30/08/2016 20:07

Struggling overcrowded schools with stressed out teachers, children in uniforms being denied the use of a toilet, denied the ability to be individual or be treated as having individual abilities...

And, again with the generalisations. Bollocks to the children not treated as individuals. Bollocks to that. Denied the use of a toilet? Seriously!! I think you are basing your view of schools on "Hard Times".

This is so depressing.

ImYourProlapse · 30/08/2016 20:07

A luxury? 'Geniuinely poor'? What do you class as genuinely poor? How wealthy do I have to be to make you feel better?

Pawprintz · 30/08/2016 20:07

"The Ginger Queen"

HmmHmm

simonwebbstache · 30/08/2016 20:08

"how can you be home educating your children and running a business from home? I don't see how there are enough hours to do both full time."

Easily. I do it. You do not have to educate 9-3...

"As it stands, having the option to HE is a luxury - it isn't something most people can afford. Really."

No it is not at all. It is a question of priorities. I would live in a truck to be able to continue to Home Ed.

ImYourProlapse · 30/08/2016 20:10

So you're telling me children have free use of a toilet when they need it? You can't just say 'bollocks' to everything, Rose. These aren't generalisations. These are genuine concerns by home ed families and schooled families who don't yet/will not home ed.

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