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Guest post: "This September, my daughters won't be going back to school"

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 30/08/2016 12:49

When we first considered home education, I pictured handwriting practice, daily reading tasks, desks and mini-projects. I used to be a teacher; I imagined some kind of co-op, where I'd teach four or five children Stuff I Knew and another parent would include our children in a similar group for Stuff They Knew.

We decided to opt out of the school system after a brief dabble with preschool for Evie, who's now five - her four-year-old sister Clara won't be starting school this September either. Society can sometimes laugh, with varying degrees of mirth, about the lack of fun and creativity in schools. But given the government push for testing and an ever-narrowing curriculum, we stopped laughing and just felt a bit sad. We decided that home educating would suit our family better.

Of course, we had early worries about doing the right thing for the kids; qualifications; making friends; the embarrassment of telling people.

Although I'd initially envisioned a kind of school at home, my children don't learn that way; in fact, few of us learn that way. It's how schools work because there are 30 children in each group with one adult, and that's hard to manage. It's what has always been done.

We're usually wet or muddy or covered in ice cream or - on good days - all three. Some days I'm Queen Elizabeth I at Hampton Court Palace (but a nicer one at Evie's instruction, because our ginger queen wasn't known for her benevolence) and the girls are my daughters (but secret, illegitimate daughters, because she didn't have any really). Other days we might go back to check on some tadpoles at the park. The girls are enthusiastic explorers and biologists. I'm a rather repetitive and slightly irritating Protector of the Tadpoles. No tadpoles have been harmed, but many have been stroked.

I always knew that these kinds of activities were legitimate ways of learning, but surely you'd also need lessons, or some form of structured teaching. I had read a bit about unschooling but I wasn't really convinced. The essence is that you live with your children and allow them to live: offer lots of opportunities and resources, and allow the children to choose how they spend their time. Be supportive and talk to them. It's the parenting that most of us did when our children were babies and toddlers. They learnt to talk and walk, and recognise individuals, they knew their colours and how to count, and how to stack things, and what would make them feel better if they got hurt. As I started to look for and find learning in ways that don't look like school, this way of educating, and living, made the most sense to me.

We're lucky these days that lots of unschooled kids have grown up and been to university; they're getting good jobs and living satisfying lives without ever having faced the stress of year 6 SATs or last minute Sunday night homework or bullying.

So we're unschoolers. We don't do it in exactly the same way as anybody else, because everyone has their own set of interests and learns in different ways. We go on all sorts of trips organised by home educating parents - to museums and nature reserves and sites of historical interest - and a whole lot of unorganised trips to parks and IKEA and the swimming pool. We read lots of books and go to the library to get more. We play with toys. We watch a lot of Netflix and YouTube and are currently in a phase of playing an abundance of Kirby's Epic Yarn on the Wii.

We spend time with lovely friends and travel around the country to see family. We never take tests; we're never limited by a curriculum; we don't sit if we want to run, nor do we run when we need to sit.

I don't worry about the same things any more, which luckily leaves me time to worry about the mess, or the sibling squabbles or what we'll have for tea instead. I know this is the right choice for us. If they need qualifications there are plenty of ways to get them; they have lots of friends of all ages; and I'm not at all embarrassed to tell people that we're not on holiday, actually, we home educate.

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 01/09/2016 18:25

A parent volunteering to run a choir or a philosophy group where kids do things in a larger group for an hour or two a week (or month), is very different to school.

Well, yes, an hour or two a week is indeed very different from school.

And for me, I guess that's the crux of it. I like the fact that my dd gets to spend a significant part of her week with the same friends, and with a variety of teachers who bring such different perspectives to her world view.

If some HEers manage to achieve this sort of extended daily exposure through their HE groups or whatever, that sounds great, but it also sounds rather like an alternative form of school. Fair enough, if you don't like the existing schools that are available to you, but it's essentially the same idea.

If others prefer to have that kind of exposure for just a couple of hours here or a couple of hours there, then that's entirely their choice, but it wouldn't be what I'd want for my own dd.

ourserendipitoushome · 01/09/2016 18:33

Brokenbiscuit

I don't think it has to be either or. I have a child (well teen) at school (home educated until 13) and one currently being home educated. It's whatever works best for each family.

I have no issue with people choosing either option. I have no issue with the many myriad of approaches that home educators use.

Please don't think I am trying to change anyone's mind about the choices they have made for their own family.

I am however trying to address various comments people make. In this case it was about bias and hearing 'different perspectives'.

I like the fact that my child has more autonomy and we get to make more choices about how they spend their days, what activities they go too etc.

And that is ok. I don't see rights or wrongs here, I just see parents making the best decisions they know how for their families.

The wonderful thing is, we don't need each other's approval, but it is really nice when people stop to listen and ask questions (like you have been doing), in the hopes of understanding one another better.

Brokenbiscuit · 01/09/2016 19:01

Ours, of course it's ok, and I totally respect that choice. I do think the freedom that HE offers sounds wonderful, I just don't personally think that that degree of freedom could be combined with everything else that I might want from my dd's education. I understand that others will have different priorities, and indeed, we all have very different kids.

What I don't respect is the stupidity of comments above suggesting that those of us who send our kids to school rather than HE are somehow "shirking our responsibilities".

On a rational level, I completely accept that the HE community is no doubt composed of diverse individuals, most of whom won't share these silly views, but some of the sentiments expressed on this thread create such a poor impression. I'm sure that some posters don't care in the slightest what impression they're making, and that's fair enough, but it certainly makes me think twice about whether dd's friend's very evangelical HE mother may secretly be as smug as some of the posters on here about her own supposed superiority as a parent.

gillybeanz · 01/09/2016 19:01

well, we have chosen our option for the next year, maybe a little late in the day Grin And it's .... school.
We will monitor on a termly basis and see what happens.
What we have found are so many similarities to the H.ed lifestyle we chose, of course some things are the same in all schools but there are so many different types of school and H.ed philosophies, it's great to find that the two can be so similar given the same circumstances.
it's so good that we can have such choice in education provision.

ourserendipitoushome · 01/09/2016 21:21

Brokenbiscuit

I know, it is really hard when people make judgemental remarks on both sides of the fence. It doesn't help the situation at all.

I can't respect that either.

And yes, I often wonder the same about some of my schooly friends, do they secretly think we are privileged? And in actual fact have lost friends over the decision to home educate.

None of this is ever helpful for seeking empathetic and understanding as to why different families make different choices.

My personal motto is that, I don't have to belittle one choice to justify my own. If it is going to stand it needs to stand on it's own merit.

And in our particular case, because I see school as a service provider, I knew the day would come that we would most likely use it (or college), so to demonise it, would not be healthy for my kids.

However, we have always home educated. We didn't come from a background of being dissatisfied with a system, but more satisfied with a philosophy of education.

I suspect those whose children have been hurt by the system, would come from it from a very different angle. In the same way, parent's whose kids have done well at school do. As would kids who didn't enjoy their home ed upbringing, and those that did.

Our own experiences always colour our perspective, rightly or wrongly so.

Brokenbiscuit · 01/09/2016 22:32

My personal motto is that, I don't have to belittle one choice to justify my own.

Well, I think that's a very healthy motto to live by.

I'm sorry that you have lost friends over your decision to HE. That's very sad.

At the end of the day, we may disagree on the best route there, but most of us are just trying to do what's best for our kids, and we shouldn't lose sight of that.

wearehere · 02/09/2016 11:15

I home ed my children, I am not wealthy, in actual fact my husband is a low earner. However home ed doesn't cost us anymore than schools and school holidays. We no longer have the cost of uniforms, school supplies, school trips, back packs, lunch bags etc etc instead these costs go on printer ink, workbooks, educational resources I have found that it all equals out to about the same, maybe less due to the fact I will soon have 3 school age and all the costs that would've been associated with that, where as at home a lot of the resources we have can be used across the 3 children.
any trips we make are always made in term time, and because we tend to choose our trips based on their educational value we get them for school rates as I often organise a group of home ed families. we rarely go to the zoo or aquarium etc in the holidays so the cost equals out there. you take a family of 4 to the zoo in the holidays you are looking at close to £100 (depending on your choice of zoo) in an arranged educational group we can go for a third to halve that cost.

I took my eldest son out of school because I had no choice, school were failing him, he was being bullied by a teacher, his anxiety levels were through the roof, spent more time under a table or in a tree than working because he couldn't handle the constraints of school, he never made friends, he was angry all the time. since taking him out he is more confident has made friends, has less anxiety.
Its not a decision we made lightly because as you say it appeared it was for those more well off financially. I was a typical 'kids must go to school' parent but actually since being out of the system it has allowed us to see the flaws.

Roseformeplease · 02/09/2016 15:32

I think also that many HEd proponents don't do themselves any favours with poor reasoning, punctuation and so forth. Yes, it is an online forum and we all make mistakes but, if you are presenting yourself as someone capable of teaching reading and writing, you should be able to demonstrate those skills.

ShakespeareanQuotations · 02/09/2016 16:20

Are you really suggesting that you've never seen bad spelling, grammar or punctuation in letters from teachers?
End of year reports and letters home about trips are always full of errors at the school my children have been to.

SamMN · 02/09/2016 16:47

Not all home edders teach, in fact many of us don't.

Roseformeplease · 02/09/2016 17:13

Agreed, some teachers need to be better. But, teachers often have managers, other teachers etc to try to help them to improve. HEdders

Additionally, few teachers have sole responsibility for a child's total education. And HEdders on a public forum often do their cause no favours.

SamMN · 02/09/2016 17:34

We do not have a cause :) We do not care what you do with your kids.

Helenefischer · 02/09/2016 20:22

I know someone whom does home schooling and they enjoy learning and being educated at home. The sad truth is the exams etc what happens? At the end of the day most employers require grades. Maybe I am not all clued up on home ed

SamMN · 02/09/2016 20:27

as has been said in here... home educated kids take exams

patchworkmama · 02/09/2016 20:41

"how do you cover the stuff they are not interested in? Say maths for example, I understand that counting money & working out change teaches maths but if you would like the DC to get a qualification in maths then how do you teach algebra or trig if they have no interest. How do you turn it from a 'learn what interests you' scenario into a 'you have to learn this to get a GCSE' scenario?"

This is the part of unschooling that takes the biggest mindshift :) Like you say, they learn the maths they need in life by living their lives. The other stuff they learn if they need to. Say they need to work something out that requires algebra children can, and do, work this out without ever needing to be formally taught (that's actually why algebra came about in the first place - because it allows us to work out answers to problems using a rule that can be applied to more than one situation). For some children they love this and will want to pursue it. And for those who don't, they just don't (eek!) and pursue other things which interest them instead, and end up in jobs which encompass their interests and don't call for algebra or trigonometry :)

Of course some jobs and courses do require GCSE maths as an entry requirement and if they want to do the course or get the job unschooled children can choose to study for and take the GCSE. They may not be madly interested in it but they are motivated by the larger goal and generally pick up the concepts needed to pass the exam in a very short space of time. They also understand the whole "work to the exam syllabus" thing better as they're generally older before they face exams or testing.

Also, unschoolers talk about deschooling a lot - it's the process by which we try and gradually unpick and release our conceptions about how learning works (which is actually how learning in school works - which isn't at all the same thing). Here's a good link if you're interested livingjoyfully.ca/deschooling/

AlysonWorldTravelFamily · 02/09/2016 21:02

Good on You! My boys haven't been inside a school since, I think, 2011. My younger one has never been actually. The school was dire, he was learning nothing and our lives revolved around school run, laundry, packed lunches and homework. It was horrible! We've had a blast these last 5 years, we've been travelling with them for 3+ years, this year has seen them half way up Everest, touring Sri Lanka, hanging out in Dubai, living in a village in Romania and driving across Europe. Right now we're in London. No, we're not rich. My husband is a chef and only works a few months of the year, the truth is, you need far less income than you think and travel is cheaper than paying a mortgage. Good luck to you and enjoy your family! Some of the comments above are unbelievable, I only read a handful, but you always get the same old rubbish. I've been doing this and blogging about it for years. Strangely ( not really) when we meet people they never have anything negative to say and are full of praise and support, they're genuinely impressed. The internet isn't a friendly place, too many know nothing about homeschooling and base their opinions not on facts at all, just on misconceptions. If team Mumsnet are reading this I'd happily write an article for them on travel and education without school. Must find an email address to send in a pitch. G'night!

Anniewanwan · 02/09/2016 21:17

Go for it! I home educated my two youngest for 6 months last year. I loved it, they loved it! Even now my 9 year old says to me " mum, thank you So much for getting me out of that school' they are now in another school, and are very very happy! Homeschool doesn't have to be permanent, but if you do it I would say summer is better, March to August, as it's nicer to get outside in warm weather!

Lorsirl · 03/09/2016 00:11

Yay only read the opening post but kudos to home ed :) when it works ! Tried it over a decade ago with my 2 older lads who were at the time 4 and 9 and it wasn't through lack of research beforehand or commitment and support throughout, it just did not work and it cast a lot of time and financial effort to re start where they were prior 😳

itsstillgood · 03/09/2016 08:27

I've been home educating for 11 years and to be honest reading posts like this just makes me sigh. I don't think it helps present a realistic image of home ed at all.

a) Home ed isn't all fluffy and fun. Most of us are often exhausted from juggling work (yes most home eders I know work) and family, crippled by self-doubt as it is a massive responsibility, permanently skint and feeling guilty that we can't sign up to every activity. Yet we all have decided it is worth the bad stuff for various reasons.

b) Most home educators I know do 'teach', some only a little, some to a higher intensity than school. I don't know many home educated children who have not got at least 5 GCSEs by age 16. It is certainly in my plan. I've seen too many to count go on to college/Uni/work now. The stories you see about no quals and portfolios etc mostly predate the rules on Maths and English C grade and most of us recognise that and a huge amount of thought and research goes in to helping home ed children get the qualifications and the experience to help them go on to the next step.

c) The social side IS an issue for many. I live in an area with a huge home ed community. If you are prepared to travel 1/2 hour you have a choice of activities every day. However finding people they gel with and you gel with parents as that is needed to build the friendship in a way it isn't at school is difficult. My eldest ended up choosing to go to school for the social aspect. That said my youngest would find the amount of school contact too hard. He's sociable in doses but needs down time. He's had the same best friend for 6 years, he socialises with the same core group about 3 times a week usually for at least one full day. Some of those he'd call friends others not so much but he has had to learn to 'rub along' with them.

d) The numbers of us who home ed from the start are still a small proportion (interestingly quite a few are teachers/ex teachers). The majority of people I know have withdrawn from school for some reason, they may well not send younger siblings at all. Sadly for many it isn't a positive decision (at least initially) but a better than the alternative.

School isn't for everyone but neither is home ed. I've seen both sides and each has pros and cons.

Brokenbiscuit · 03/09/2016 08:40

itsstill, what a refreshingly honest post! I can totally relate to the challenges that you face as an HE parent. Good for you for persisting with what you believe is right for your DC.

Nevermindme · 03/09/2016 13:42

My son won't be going to school next week and that is because we have only been in this county a month, but it's not working for us, especially my husband. Luckily he has been offered a job back in his old workplace for more money. So I don't really want my son to start school here, make friends and then have to move in 4 months. He is happy for me to home school him during this time. But for me, I feel we will need to follow the curriculum, as I don't want him going back to a new school and be behind. I just don't want him to have any more added stress when starting a new school in a new area.

brasty · 04/09/2016 12:18

Home schooling can work well.
But it doesn't always work well.
And I still remember a thread on MN where a woman who was struggling to get her kids up and dressed for school, and to do basic care, was encouraged to home school. Someone struggling to do the basics should not be home schooling.

homeschoolersanonymous.org/category/educational-neglect/

ourserendipitoushome · 07/09/2016 20:40

Helenefischer

Many home educators do take exam, some study from home and use schools and other exam centres for the exams themselves.

I had two that took GCSE's, A Levels, BTECHS and National Diploma's at college before going to university. One graduated with first class honours and the other is in her second year.

I had another one who entered school at the end of year 10 to take the GCSE's she needed to go to college- she's off to Plymouth Uni this September.

The fourth went to school at 13 and the 5th is currently still at home.

ourserendipitoushome · 07/09/2016 20:42

Bit like school hey brasty Wink

brasty · 07/09/2016 23:19

Except at least there is some attempted over sight of schools.

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