Guest post: 'Having a gifted child isn't always a gift'

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Welcome to the biggest stealth boast in MN history, because I am about to write a whole guest post on being the parent of a gifted child.

This means breaking the number one rule, which is, of course: ‘Never, ever talk about your gifted child.’ The taboo around giftedness is so strong that – and I've agonised about this a lot – this post appears under a pseudonym. I just can't imagine any good coming out of being identified, particularly for my daughter. I very nearly changed her gender too, just to make sure that no one knows it's me. How sad is that? But I wanted to stick my neck out for a reason - because, actually, having a gifted child isn't the entertaining brag-fest you might think.

Imagine if you will, that school insisted that your Year 2 child go into Reception. Imagine that they are learning very little, and it's making them anxious and badly behaved because they know they are different. Imagine that the school say there's nothing they can do, and there's no right of appeal.

To cap it all, you can't even talk to your friends, because they will assume that you are deluded, boastful or hot-housing, or possibly all three. Should you say anything on-line, the responses are even harsher, ranging from disbelief and ridicule ('if they haven’t written a symphony by 4, what's the fuss about?'), accusations of not giving them a childhood, then usually: ‘oh, it will all even out in the end’.

This is a rough approximation of our lives and frankly, I hate it, every little bit of it. I hate the three solid years that we've spent fighting to make school work, socially and academically.

I hate the fact that we've had to move her from the neighbourhood school and we're no longer part of our local community in the same way. I hate not being able to talk about her achievements anywhere: not in the playground, not on Facebook and – the fact that has brought me here to rant at you – not even on Mumsnet. If I could choose, I'd far rather she wasn't gifted: plain old bright would do me just fine. But I haven't got that option.

The truth is that, just as there are children at the other end of the spectrum who find it harder to learn, there are gifted children. The government designation of the top 10% of any class as gifted and talented has muddied the water a great deal – and there isn't a proper definition - but let's say those with an IQ of 130 or above, which is about 2% if the population. These children don't find it easy in mainstream education – but any support they get is entirely at the discretion of the school, which can mean that it doesn't exist at all.

By the end of Reception, my daughter had the reading age of a twelve year old. ‘Great’, you might think, but in a school that only went up to Year 4, they didn't know what to do with her. But a gifted child just has to put up with it; their needs, it seems, don't count. ‘The others will catch up,’ said the head teacher. We had to point out that yes, this would happen if they did nothing, but perhaps this could be seen as a failing by the school rather than the natural course of events.

In many ways though, we have it easy. Compared with some of the children we've met, she’s pretty straightforward. But the girl I know who was reading chapter books in her pushchair before she was two and a half? She's been through four schools and is home-schooled now because it's the only way she can learn at her own level. Many gifted children end up being home-schooled because, in the end, there is nowhere else for them to go.

We also have it easy because our daughter's abilities don't come with many other special needs, apart from a bit of dyspraxia. But a significant number of gifted children have something else going on too, whether that's ASD, ADHD, or sensory issues, as well as physical issues such as hypermobility, making things even tougher for them and their parents.

So when you come across a thread where someone is trying, perhaps for the first time to ask whether their child is gifted or not, all I ask is that you think for a moment before responding. Yes, it might be a stealth boast. It may be true that other children will catch them up in a few years time. Equally though, it might be a parent really struggling with how different their child seems, unable to speak to anyone in real life and in need of help and support rather than a shredding.

I can't go back there. You're either boasting or you're taking the piss. I mean, how many people are going to take you seriously when you start a thread saying your 1 year old can read the alphabet?

LadySybil : To be honest there are enough people who won't accept that a child can learn to read before school without instruction from a parent. Many people have to have lived something to accept it as possible.

It's depressing and other parents make you feel as though your child is some sort of freak (sorry about the word). They are the ones who assume you're a tiger mother or don't invite your child to parties. The other children up to year 2 or 3 are fine. Afterwards they also see your child as a freak, and that's when the bullying starts in school too.

I have to say that finding peers is one thing I am thinking about quite hard at the moment. I'm noticing, as she gets older, that DD is hiding what she can do in some quite subtle ways. So I think meeting other children more like her might encourage her to just be herself a bit more.

And yes, you're probably right about the board. But I try to be optimistic.

Mine doesn't care and will happily go to school in a suit and bowler hat I gave up trying to encourage him to fit in, now I encourage him to be himself and he's a lot happier. He has a couple of friends at school but he spends lunch times by himself, which I find upsetting but he's insistent that he's OK with this. He gets on far better with the teachers so at least that's something to make school a little more bearable. He's at an academically selective private school and he still gets called a geek though.

Mine is fine now in secondary. Problems at primary were academic and social. He felt confused by the chaos in the playground and bored by the senseless games. He now has a small group of friends who seem to be quite nice, one in particular is on a similar wavelength, but maybe slightly less mature, a nice lad though, so all is well. Still not stretched academically but as a result top sets and enjoying the lull. He finds things to interest him at home.

There used to be a few regular posters on the board with a rolling support thread that people checked into, that worked quite well for a while. Not sure what happened and why, but things seemed to change and having looked at threads, felt it unwise to post. Just run...

Minitheminx - that is exactly how DD feels about the playground. However she is v lucky in that there are several v bright kids in her year group although she still stands out from them (apart from in maths which isn't her thing).

But maybe I am worrying unnecessarily as DD doesn't seem particularly bothered by it (not having many friends).

Oh, the playground! I vividly remember as a five year old (who was reading the Narnia books at home and the Orange level of the Rainbow Reading Scheme at school and discussing matrices with my maths teacher mother) standing at the edge of the playground and wondering what they were all doing as I gazed at a happy mass of children all apparently running mindlessly around in circles. Thirty odd years later, DD came home after her first full day at school and said "Mummy, I don't think I like play time. And I don't think I know how to play. I seem to be getting it wrong."

It has got better for her (now in Y2), as it did for me, as her peers are now more willing to engage in games that use their imaginations rather than just their energy. But she still struggles with it a bit. What she actually likes doing is reading, writing stories, playing games of her own devising with counters and dice and paper and pencils and, well, thinking about things. If I ask her what she wants to do, she always says "let's go and lie in bed and chat" and what she means is that she will ask me some kind of slightly off the wall philosophical question and take it way past the point at which any sane person would decide that they'd worked out the answer (and at which point I am normally feeling like I deserve a glass of wine and a big cake).

LadySybil

My dd is similar in that she has a few acquaintances and one best friend who she shares all her triumphs and disappointments with. Her friend is G*T at maths so she knows where dd is coming from.
You are so right about not trying to get your ds to fit in with others.
He will be so strong willed with the ability to be himself and not follow the peer pressure.
Good luck to him

I just wanted to offer my experience as the mother of a gifted dd who is now 21 years old. My dad is "twice exceptional" (oh how I hate that term) with dyslexia and ability in the top 0.5% according to her Ed Psych. She also has many Aspergers traits although I chose not to seek a formal diagnosis.

I was lucky in that we were able to send her to a very academic selective private girls school which she loved and thrived in. She was identified as G&T and given the opportunity to undertake all sorts of activities to challenge her. She has never had lots of friends but made a small close group of friends at school. She has an extremely logical mind and doesn't get what she considers to be petty rules. One that I remember is a running battle over nail varnish a she really didn't understand what not wearing nail varnish had to with doing well at school.

She is now in her second year at a Russell group university and has just finished doing a semester at a college in Boston. She is currently travelling on her own in Canada and her lovely boyfriend ( I never thought she would have a boyfriend) is flying out to meet her in Washington for two more weeks travelling up the East Coast.

It has been a struggle but I'm so proud of the amazing young woman that has emerged.

Going to go against the grain here, as I have a son gifted in maths & science, IQ >130, who was reading, doing sums well before school age, and his primary school has been brilliant. They've been onto it since day 1, and we were just called in last week (he's in Y3 now) for a meeting with class teacher, deputy head, and maths lead. They set out a clear plan for the next 3 years, starting with 1-to-1 with deputy head and pairwork with a Y6 next year, working up to twice weekly sessions at the local secondary school by Y6. There's a precedent for this with another boy, who has now moved on to secondary, who was also gifted in maths. So it can be done. Plus, the school environment has done wonders for his social confidence - he's a much more rounded 8 year old than I would have dared hope at preschool age.

But yes, talking about it with other parents is impossible.

I just wanted to offer my experience as the mother of a gifted dd who is now 21 years old. My dad is "twice exceptional" (oh how I hate that term) with dyslexia and ability in the top 0.5% according to her Ed Psych. She also has many Aspergers traits although I chose not to seek a formal diagnosis.

I was lucky in that we were able to send her to a very academic selective private girls school which she loved and thrived in. She was identified as G&T and given the opportunity to undertake all sorts of activities to challenge her. She has never had lots of friends but made a small close group of friends at school. She has an extremely logical mind and doesn't get what she considers to be petty rules. One that I remember is a running battle over nail varnish a she really didn't understand what not wearing nail varnish had to with doing well at school.

She is now in her second year at a Russell group university and has just finished doing a semester at a college in Boston. She is currently travelling on her own in Canada and her lovely boyfriend ( I never thought she would have a boyfriend) is flying out to meet her in Washington for two more weeks travelling up the East Coast.

It has been a struggle but I'm so proud of the amazing young woman that has emerged.

Apologies for the double post. Not sure what happened.

I have the problem that its not really possible to give a level or figure or even IQ to dds gift/talent whatever you want to call it.
I daren't mention it to people who don't know her unless I can back it up with some fantastic thing she has done.
She is talented in music but it is her voice that is the exception.

I have given up now, because people will just say their dd or ds or gc sings in a choir or wants to go on x factor/BGT, or suggest that dd does and of course if she doesn't she can't be any good.

angler ds's school did much the same with ds2, forged a strong partnership with secondary who sent a teacher into school to teach ds maths. A few weeks after starting y7 ds came first in the whole school maths challenge beating the y11's and 12's easily. He was known as Dexter boy genius (after the cartoon character) from then on not in a malicious way at all in fact he was hero worshiped particularly as he ran rings around most of the teachers.

Fin - that is exactly what DD says about the playground, all the kids running in pointless circles & screaming

DD's school have been admittedly v good & the HT suggested a meeting between myself, her and DD's yr2 teacher nearer the end of the year (DD is currently in yr1) to discuss the plan for yr2.

But I still don't think they (the school) have any idea of how driven she is to work/learn at home every night.

Her current obsession is the drainage/sewers system

Ds has aspergers traits too, nelson. I didn't go further with it, he is who he is and I know that he'll be more accepted as he gets over. He's a caring boy who rushes to help old ladies who have fallen over, or he'll pick up snails off the path and move them so that they don't get crushed. The problem is how other children see him and his relationship with them. He's my only child and I'm a single parent so he's not use to being around other children and he's always seen himself as an adult as I've never talked down to him and I've always treated him with respect. Maybe it's my fault, I don't know. I've done my best.

All of your children sound wonderful

Sybil - he sounds lovely

Drainage and sewers is a great topic, simpson. There's physics behind why the water drains down the plug in a certain direction, and there's biology in the sewers (what sort of life exists) and chemistry too. They won't teach her any of this at school so you can use it to stretch her sideways

Thank you, simpson. I love him

Where would I begin to look for stuff though that I don't have to spend loads of ££ on. She is 6 btw. She is also v interested in pavements for some reason

Her previous obsessions were Braille (and reading about Louis Braille) & Helen Keller, oh yes & the Tudors.

She costs me a fortune in books (and this with using library - local one pants & charity shops).

Sybil - my dd was just like your son. Always saw herself as an adult equal to me. She never got the whole parent child thing which was highly frustrating at times as I could never do the because I told you thing.

He does sound lovely, Sybil. I think kindness is one of the best things you can have in you. Some people just do and don't have to learn it. Your boys sounds like one of those. Good for him.

simpson, tell her it gets better, it really does. In one or two years time there will not be nearly so much running in circles and a lot more talk-based play, which I'm guessing she will enjoy.

insanity - that's great I heard from the parents of the other boy at ds's school that he's settled into secondary really well, and has been kept with the same small group of older maths enthusiasts he used to work with when still in primary. So letting him enter the secondary environment early seems to have helped with what could have been a difficult transition for a 'geeky' kid. My ds is currently riding the wave of maths hero among his peers at primary - just hope it will continue into secondary.

Fwiw he definitely has ASD traits too, though sub-clinical (he was assessed a few years back, when his abilities seemed more unusual). He just learns patterns/sequences so effortlessly (flags, historical dates, periodic table). But he's also very friendly, and seems to have learned how to get on with all sorts of different children at school, and has a lovely relationship with his younger brother (who is nothing like him and spends all his time in imaginary play with animals and pirates). I'm definitely more relaxed about letting ds1 be himself as he gets older without trying to encourage him to fit in.