Guest post: 'Having a gifted child isn't always a gift'

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Welcome to the biggest stealth boast in MN history, because I am about to write a whole guest post on being the parent of a gifted child.

This means breaking the number one rule, which is, of course: ‘Never, ever talk about your gifted child.’ The taboo around giftedness is so strong that – and I've agonised about this a lot – this post appears under a pseudonym. I just can't imagine any good coming out of being identified, particularly for my daughter. I very nearly changed her gender too, just to make sure that no one knows it's me. How sad is that? But I wanted to stick my neck out for a reason - because, actually, having a gifted child isn't the entertaining brag-fest you might think.

Imagine if you will, that school insisted that your Year 2 child go into Reception. Imagine that they are learning very little, and it's making them anxious and badly behaved because they know they are different. Imagine that the school say there's nothing they can do, and there's no right of appeal.

To cap it all, you can't even talk to your friends, because they will assume that you are deluded, boastful or hot-housing, or possibly all three. Should you say anything on-line, the responses are even harsher, ranging from disbelief and ridicule ('if they haven’t written a symphony by 4, what's the fuss about?'), accusations of not giving them a childhood, then usually: ‘oh, it will all even out in the end’.

This is a rough approximation of our lives and frankly, I hate it, every little bit of it. I hate the three solid years that we've spent fighting to make school work, socially and academically.

I hate the fact that we've had to move her from the neighbourhood school and we're no longer part of our local community in the same way. I hate not being able to talk about her achievements anywhere: not in the playground, not on Facebook and – the fact that has brought me here to rant at you – not even on Mumsnet. If I could choose, I'd far rather she wasn't gifted: plain old bright would do me just fine. But I haven't got that option.

The truth is that, just as there are children at the other end of the spectrum who find it harder to learn, there are gifted children. The government designation of the top 10% of any class as gifted and talented has muddied the water a great deal – and there isn't a proper definition - but let's say those with an IQ of 130 or above, which is about 2% if the population. These children don't find it easy in mainstream education – but any support they get is entirely at the discretion of the school, which can mean that it doesn't exist at all.

By the end of Reception, my daughter had the reading age of a twelve year old. ‘Great’, you might think, but in a school that only went up to Year 4, they didn't know what to do with her. But a gifted child just has to put up with it; their needs, it seems, don't count. ‘The others will catch up,’ said the head teacher. We had to point out that yes, this would happen if they did nothing, but perhaps this could be seen as a failing by the school rather than the natural course of events.

In many ways though, we have it easy. Compared with some of the children we've met, she’s pretty straightforward. But the girl I know who was reading chapter books in her pushchair before she was two and a half? She's been through four schools and is home-schooled now because it's the only way she can learn at her own level. Many gifted children end up being home-schooled because, in the end, there is nowhere else for them to go.

We also have it easy because our daughter's abilities don't come with many other special needs, apart from a bit of dyspraxia. But a significant number of gifted children have something else going on too, whether that's ASD, ADHD, or sensory issues, as well as physical issues such as hypermobility, making things even tougher for them and their parents.

So when you come across a thread where someone is trying, perhaps for the first time to ask whether their child is gifted or not, all I ask is that you think for a moment before responding. Yes, it might be a stealth boast. It may be true that other children will catch them up in a few years time. Equally though, it might be a parent really struggling with how different their child seems, unable to speak to anyone in real life and in need of help and support rather than a shredding.

I certainly would suggest choosing a very academic school even from age 4 (ours was at North Longon Collegiate often 1st or 3rd in the country for exam results) because then everyone in the year will be fairly bright and there will also be more children who are extremely clever so it's all a lot easier.

However this often is easier to achieve if the mother picked a career which would enable her to pay school fees which not all women sadly do. They do not always get the right career advice in their teens and pick something low paid which limits their choices in life. We need to fight that sexism which sends women into low earning careers or no earnings at all.

Sadly that doesn't always work for the really bright. I went to a school of a similar type, and still struggled with finding a lot of it too easy. But in those days nobody thought this was a problem - they just assumed I was deliberately naughty.

Conversely, my similarly bright brother found that a comprehensive suited him perfectly, and achieved really amazing things.

www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/when-your-child-goes-overboard-fears-and-compassionate-concerns

I found this article, which may be interesting. It is quite basic but it reassured me that I am doing the right kinds of things in how I'm approaching my daughter's anxiety.

I realize that this is an old post, but thank you for writing it. My DS has just been diagnosed as being gifted, I agree with everything you have written.

This is very interesting, a great blog post that really makes you think. Must be as difficult as having a child with learning difficulties in some respects. Also so hard when everyone thinks you're boasting. One parallel I can think of is when a woman is very thin and struggles to put on weight, everyone thinks she is boasting if she complains because it looks as if she has achieved the holy grail. By the way I dont fall into the category of being too thin or of having a gifted child.

I agree with Rumplestilt. My DS is gifted and is now almost 18.

We were so lucky: we were able to take him out of the state sector after visiting a local prep school and telling them the whole story of his abilities and how he was beginning to show mental health problems.

For the first time, his abilities were not treated as a problem but as an asset to be encouraged and nurtured.

He never looked back. The rest of the story has been dominated by scholarships and bursaries, but he’s reached his potential and he’s happily settled in a school that prizes learning.

One of the countries I have heard has done more for gifted children is Spain. I remember reading a few years ago an article written by a parent who’d moved there and been astonished at the difference in attitude and opportunities.

There are currently attacks on some of the establishments that have done so much for gifted children and young people. The private sector, with their generous bursaries for gifted and talented children are threatened with the removal of their charitable status. Oxbridge is scorned as “elitist” because of their lower intake from the state sector - without stopping to think that it’s because many poorer, gifted children are in the private sector with scholarships and bursaries.

No-one seems to have a workable alternative for these establishments, they just seem to want to tear them down.