Guest post: 'Having a gifted child isn't always a gift'

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Welcome to the biggest stealth boast in MN history, because I am about to write a whole guest post on being the parent of a gifted child.

This means breaking the number one rule, which is, of course: ‘Never, ever talk about your gifted child.’ The taboo around giftedness is so strong that – and I've agonised about this a lot – this post appears under a pseudonym. I just can't imagine any good coming out of being identified, particularly for my daughter. I very nearly changed her gender too, just to make sure that no one knows it's me. How sad is that? But I wanted to stick my neck out for a reason - because, actually, having a gifted child isn't the entertaining brag-fest you might think.

Imagine if you will, that school insisted that your Year 2 child go into Reception. Imagine that they are learning very little, and it's making them anxious and badly behaved because they know they are different. Imagine that the school say there's nothing they can do, and there's no right of appeal.

To cap it all, you can't even talk to your friends, because they will assume that you are deluded, boastful or hot-housing, or possibly all three. Should you say anything on-line, the responses are even harsher, ranging from disbelief and ridicule ('if they haven’t written a symphony by 4, what's the fuss about?'), accusations of not giving them a childhood, then usually: ‘oh, it will all even out in the end’.

This is a rough approximation of our lives and frankly, I hate it, every little bit of it. I hate the three solid years that we've spent fighting to make school work, socially and academically.

I hate the fact that we've had to move her from the neighbourhood school and we're no longer part of our local community in the same way. I hate not being able to talk about her achievements anywhere: not in the playground, not on Facebook and – the fact that has brought me here to rant at you – not even on Mumsnet. If I could choose, I'd far rather she wasn't gifted: plain old bright would do me just fine. But I haven't got that option.

The truth is that, just as there are children at the other end of the spectrum who find it harder to learn, there are gifted children. The government designation of the top 10% of any class as gifted and talented has muddied the water a great deal – and there isn't a proper definition - but let's say those with an IQ of 130 or above, which is about 2% if the population. These children don't find it easy in mainstream education – but any support they get is entirely at the discretion of the school, which can mean that it doesn't exist at all.

By the end of Reception, my daughter had the reading age of a twelve year old. ‘Great’, you might think, but in a school that only went up to Year 4, they didn't know what to do with her. But a gifted child just has to put up with it; their needs, it seems, don't count. ‘The others will catch up,’ said the head teacher. We had to point out that yes, this would happen if they did nothing, but perhaps this could be seen as a failing by the school rather than the natural course of events.

In many ways though, we have it easy. Compared with some of the children we've met, she’s pretty straightforward. But the girl I know who was reading chapter books in her pushchair before she was two and a half? She's been through four schools and is home-schooled now because it's the only way she can learn at her own level. Many gifted children end up being home-schooled because, in the end, there is nowhere else for them to go.

We also have it easy because our daughter's abilities don't come with many other special needs, apart from a bit of dyspraxia. But a significant number of gifted children have something else going on too, whether that's ASD, ADHD, or sensory issues, as well as physical issues such as hypermobility, making things even tougher for them and their parents.

So when you come across a thread where someone is trying, perhaps for the first time to ask whether their child is gifted or not, all I ask is that you think for a moment before responding. Yes, it might be a stealth boast. It may be true that other children will catch them up in a few years time. Equally though, it might be a parent really struggling with how different their child seems, unable to speak to anyone in real life and in need of help and support rather than a shredding.

It also reminds me of a thread that run on MN a few months ago. The question was simply 'Why is it OK to do some work with your dcs if they are behind but frown upon if they are ahead?'

because yes supporting your dc if they are behind is OK and even the 'one thing to do if you are a good parent' but try and do something like this with your child is ahead and you are pushy, a 'tiger mum' and the likes.
And we aren't even talking about properly gifted children. It's like doing better than others academically is a bad thing. You know 'this is where you are supposed to be. Please don't step out of the line. This is not acceptable'. Why why achieving academically so badly viewed??

you may be surprised da vinci. I bet he is.

I teach dd out of school. I try to find things that are not school related. she needs the intellectual stimulation. she needs to read for a good hour when she gets home. fortunately I have a lot of books that I got for ten pence each from the library sale.

Oh yes, we do the 'stretching side ways' so dc1 knows everything about atoms, electricity etc... can explain the concepts (which his teacher this year says would be at least CGSE, if not A level concepts). Had a keen interest in history too and other things like this. But it's not 'teaching' in a 'let's learn how to do a long division, vectors or how to solve equation' if that makes sense? I tend to put that into the 'general knowledge' box.

I suppose that I can see myself in him and I wouldn't consider myself as G&T. Yes I found things easy at school but I also have seen people who had much bigger brains than me! So I tend to see dc1 in the same way.

dc2 is probably doing even better and I expect it will show up more and more as his social and language skills are getting better.

Re sensitivity. I never associated this with intelligence, I was measured in school as in top 2% IQ, but am not a genius, far from it. I was labelled by family (!) as over-sensitive. It was a major moment when I chucked that label away and accepted that I was sensitive and aware - unlike some of my family members! It has been the greatest blessing of my adult life - I make good choices about people and how to live my life. Childhood and adolescence were tough but since then sensitivity has enhanced my life.

Now I have a child who seems similar (no IQ test though!) and I'm trying to be supportive of that sensitivity.

Just this week I suggested that a change being made was not ideal from a safety pov and was asked "Are you a worrier then?". It made me smile as being the adult version of "don't be so sensitive!". No I'm not a worrier any more but I can see the ramifications of what has been altered!

Still end up arguing with the English teacher who says DD can't possibly have read an entire book in one evening

This is nuts. I would not say DD is gifted, more just very switched on and open to the world around her, and she doesn't struggle with school as she doesn't seem to mind that they are learning things she knew a while back, but her teacher has no problem believing that she sometimes reads several books in an evening. And this is a very average state school.

Also, DD sounds a bit like you, Teacake. I call her my little health and safety expert. She is very hot on doing everything as safely as possible!

I think the problem is all in the name.

'Talented' brings up images of the x factor, and 'gifted' sounds like a precious gift has been bestowed on your precious angel.

The mundane reality is that, as you say, there have to be children at either end of the spectrum and brain differences and quirks will mean that one child has dyslexia and another reads when they are 2.

Would academically advanced be better?

merrymouse

yes, I agree. But disagree in the sense that some people are considered as having a precious gift bestowed upon them.
I wouldn't put talent and x factor in the same sentence either but the terms don't tell us anything.
Maybe we could suppose that talent is the ability and gift is the subject matter.

The charity Potential Plus which works in this area now uses the term HLP, or High Learning Potential. I'm not sure that's an improvement really.

I have at last found a friend with whom I can confide. I can tell her all about the highs and lows, the achievements and the snide comments, the horrid teacher who whispered in my son's ears, the other that point blank refused to accept he was very clever ( I usually use clever over gifted) despite admitting his maths was better than hers, he was 8 at the time. The reason I can talk to my friend...she doesn't have children.

We gave up on two primary schools. We did home ed until the eldest got in to the secondary of choice. He is settled now. Socially he was advanced too, so that when the evil one whispered in his ear "you might be very bright but you will never be able to paint" his response was "mummy, do you think I should report her, she isn't paid to be disparaging" he was 5. The benefit of his maturity was that we could at least talk and discuss it, he understood as well as I did, she didn't like him because of her own hang ups, not because he was dislikeable.

For all those people who say, let them tread water or stretch sideways, I know what most parents of very clever children know, leave them to their own devices, and they teach themselves to read, leave them and they teach themselves string theory, watch hours of physics lectures on line, or start up conversations about ethics and morality with anyone who will engage. But then, maybe you have an autodidact, and then you know they will succeed, not because of school but in spite of it.

And the G&T section on MN, enter if you dare, its a real nest and nothing good comes of posting for advice.

G&T days?? All unheard off at my dcs school..,

I am reading this with interest.
My dcs are not Gifted in the way described here, but they are all very bright, and top 2 or 3 in their classes.

but it was this that floored me:

"Some gifted children are very in touch with their emotions and read very deep into situations and therefore are emotionally quite vulnerable in a playground full of children with age typical thought processes, but this is often seen as a huge weakness and something that they are expected to 'get over and get on with'. Some teachers lack the understanding to comprehend that the emotional difference is often directly related to the giftedness."

This is ds. He is always described as being 'over-sensitive' as he has got older that has also expressed itself as anger, but it comes from very deep emotions. He can't laugh off comments and playground stuff, not because he is precious, but because to him it is much more real and painful. I think he will end up as a massive campaigner for a good cause, or a high court barrister!

But he had one brilliant teacher when he was in year 3. She told me that her son was similar, adult emotions beyond his years and he 'grew into himself' as he got older.

The funnel and cylinder thing is very helpful with this.

We live in an area of very mixed housing, and many kids go on to the local (not good) comp. We took a decision that ds needed other bright kids around, other kids who might feel deeply, care about the world, want to discuss what they have heard on the news etc. He did 11+ for a super selective and passed, and is going to grammar school in sept. That will involve travelling and it is not ideal in terms of location, but we did it because we really felt he needed to find a like minded peer group.

I have had to be very careful about how we tell people why he is going, because people don't understand that for a bright kid, a normal class full of kids often don't 'get' them. I see ds already making choices to 'dumb down' to be around his mates, and while they are good kids and I hope he continues to be friends with them, he also needs other people who he can be free to be clever with.

And the G&T section on MN, enter if you dare, its a real nest and nothing good comes of posting for advice.

What happens there?

Out of interest, and not sure that anyone can really answer, how many people are there likely to be like this?
Personally, I dont know any what could be described as "proper" ones.

And at some point, am I right in thinking that some of the children end up Having a more average intelligence at some point [may have heard that on a tv programme]?

Ah I see that the op states that 2% are above 130 IQ
But 130 isnt necessarily gifted it is?

Who knows where a g and t child will end up? However they have a right to be educated according to their needs. It's difficult to argue that spending years treading water does that.

When I was at university, there were 3 people in my tutorial group that just thought differently. They could see beyond the normal discussion. They would express an opinion and we would all go Ohh, yes, what about...

Those 3 went on to get firsts, I got 2:1. I always felt that that was the difference, that they could see the world through a different lens. It isn't a taught thing, although you can obviously refine it. I am not sure if they were gifted, but they came close!

I think as adults in daily life we often just don't get a chance to use our brains enough (certainly not as a SAHM which I am)

Fantastic post!

As somebody else said on this thread DS did the best thing by being born 10 days early on 31st August & thus starting school a year early.

DS is very quiet, biddable & has a very strong sense of right/wrong which has caused him to be upset when he sees his classmates getting house points awards for things he has been doing for ages.

However, he on the whole is very easy to deal with & keeps himself ticking over by searching online for maths games (or whatever is floating his boat at the time).

DD is a whole different ball game & demands at least 30 mins a day of "learning" mainly in literacy at home (more at the weekend) & it is hard to keep her ticking over really.

I am very lucky in that the HT has realised how bright/ahead DD is and I can speak to her or the class teacher about any issues (currently homework) but I do think this will get harder as she gets older.

Like other kids DD struggles to mix with her peers especially at play/lunch time preferring to stick with the grown ups (staff) and complains that all the kids do is scream & run round in circles in the playground not going anywhere, why??!

what happens on mn gifted board? well you need a flame retardant suit and a fire extinguisher on stand by.

you regularly get comments about letting a child be a child.
it does not matter, they will do well anyway
they all level out in the end.
mine is like yours and not gifted.

the op is often told they are deluded and their child is nothing special. I have seen that hapen about one child and she tested highly gifted.

Yep or the comments that you are "forcing your child to learn & making them look at flash cards all day so of course they will be ahead."

What about a child that is driven to learn to the point where they exhaust you?!

oh I see.
I forgot that that board, like all others are open to the general public!

oops. That post reads worse than I was expecting

ppplease No it doesn't - when I first contacted MN about this, it was partly to suggest that the g&t board be kept off Active Conversations, so that the casual drive by comments might at least be fewer.

And to answer your other questions, some people take 130 as the cut off point for gifted, some don't - there's no absolute rule and a lot of opinions.

I don't really have a lot to add to what's been said so far, except that it's a great shame, and an indictment of our education system, that there are so many people, and their children, in the same situation.

And I did rather expect to need the flame retardant suit on this thread, but everyone's been lovely. Perhaps if we all go over to the g&t board, then there will be so many of us that we won't notice the snipers. So much.