Guest post: 'Having a gifted child isn't always a gift'

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Welcome to the biggest stealth boast in MN history, because I am about to write a whole guest post on being the parent of a gifted child.

This means breaking the number one rule, which is, of course: ‘Never, ever talk about your gifted child.’ The taboo around giftedness is so strong that – and I've agonised about this a lot – this post appears under a pseudonym. I just can't imagine any good coming out of being identified, particularly for my daughter. I very nearly changed her gender too, just to make sure that no one knows it's me. How sad is that? But I wanted to stick my neck out for a reason - because, actually, having a gifted child isn't the entertaining brag-fest you might think.

Imagine if you will, that school insisted that your Year 2 child go into Reception. Imagine that they are learning very little, and it's making them anxious and badly behaved because they know they are different. Imagine that the school say there's nothing they can do, and there's no right of appeal.

To cap it all, you can't even talk to your friends, because they will assume that you are deluded, boastful or hot-housing, or possibly all three. Should you say anything on-line, the responses are even harsher, ranging from disbelief and ridicule ('if they haven’t written a symphony by 4, what's the fuss about?'), accusations of not giving them a childhood, then usually: ‘oh, it will all even out in the end’.

This is a rough approximation of our lives and frankly, I hate it, every little bit of it. I hate the three solid years that we've spent fighting to make school work, socially and academically.

I hate the fact that we've had to move her from the neighbourhood school and we're no longer part of our local community in the same way. I hate not being able to talk about her achievements anywhere: not in the playground, not on Facebook and – the fact that has brought me here to rant at you – not even on Mumsnet. If I could choose, I'd far rather she wasn't gifted: plain old bright would do me just fine. But I haven't got that option.

The truth is that, just as there are children at the other end of the spectrum who find it harder to learn, there are gifted children. The government designation of the top 10% of any class as gifted and talented has muddied the water a great deal – and there isn't a proper definition - but let's say those with an IQ of 130 or above, which is about 2% if the population. These children don't find it easy in mainstream education – but any support they get is entirely at the discretion of the school, which can mean that it doesn't exist at all.

By the end of Reception, my daughter had the reading age of a twelve year old. ‘Great’, you might think, but in a school that only went up to Year 4, they didn't know what to do with her. But a gifted child just has to put up with it; their needs, it seems, don't count. ‘The others will catch up,’ said the head teacher. We had to point out that yes, this would happen if they did nothing, but perhaps this could be seen as a failing by the school rather than the natural course of events.

In many ways though, we have it easy. Compared with some of the children we've met, she’s pretty straightforward. But the girl I know who was reading chapter books in her pushchair before she was two and a half? She's been through four schools and is home-schooled now because it's the only way she can learn at her own level. Many gifted children end up being home-schooled because, in the end, there is nowhere else for them to go.

We also have it easy because our daughter's abilities don't come with many other special needs, apart from a bit of dyspraxia. But a significant number of gifted children have something else going on too, whether that's ASD, ADHD, or sensory issues, as well as physical issues such as hypermobility, making things even tougher for them and their parents.

So when you come across a thread where someone is trying, perhaps for the first time to ask whether their child is gifted or not, all I ask is that you think for a moment before responding. Yes, it might be a stealth boast. It may be true that other children will catch them up in a few years time. Equally though, it might be a parent really struggling with how different their child seems, unable to speak to anyone in real life and in need of help and support rather than a shredding.

The teachers don't listen to the parents though. Everyone thinks their child is special so when you say 'my child is reading this at home' they don't believe you until you send your child in with that book and they find the time to listen to them read.

very nice article, and while I am grateful that my son isn't at the extreme end, I am suffering the boredom and bad behaviour from lack of interest. he is often miss understood because his injustice scale means he speaks out and this is seen as rude. He is told not to question everything and is a complete perfectionist. All I would want for all children in school is that they are taken on their own merit, taught with respect, and then all of them can learn rather than conform!

Oh my word I'm terrified I think my son is a bit gifted he has the most amazing memory. He can read an write and he hasn't started school yet reading this has me worried. Is the lack of sleeping an constantly moving a part of it? He also asks to do learning books that he asked for I really don't want him to get bullied as he is quite sensitive . Oh this has just worried me so much .

I've found this thread fascinating. My son is developmentally delayed and has associated 'moderate' learning difficulties, and we have had to fight so very hard to get him help and support. It has been emotionally draining trying to find the right people to talk to and to get them to listen. My son has been through so much with his difficulties at school, his anxiety levels were through the roof at one point and his struggles to deal with his emotions and fear of school were heartbreaking.

I had kind of assumed that gifted children would get a positive response from the education system and be able to realise their potential. I'm so disappointed to hear that the school system lets gifted children down too. It would seem that if you don't have an 'easy' average child then there are problems with getting them the education they need.

I didn't mean to come across as an angry mumsnetter but I am still rather sad/bitter two years on after the way dd was treated. The fact that one teacher and three dare I say it horrible mums almost destroyed my child because she is different is something I find hard to bear. I guess like other posters i am lucky for the child i have. I vividly remember being told off by dd yr teacher (who was also her y3 teacher) for teaching dd how to read and the fact she wouldn't believe me when I said I hadn't and she had taught herself and her total dis interest when dd would go off and do her own extended research on topics that she had done in school.

NKffffffff82e1fbf4X1276dfcd379 Yes to the lack of sleep. Ds used to take ages to fall asleep, then he'd be tossing and turning all night. It helped when he started school but he still struggles. There's so much going around in his head he can't help it. You need to let him go at his pace or he'll become unhappy.

You can stretch your children at home. Find a topic that they are not going to do at school and let them run with it. I don't think they do the aquatic system (under the sea/rivers etc) or space, so you could do something like this, there's also music.

'Average' children churn out the right SATS results and don't require a lot of work (I'm not meaning to offend). I'm sure there are lovely schools out there, but not every child is allocated one so it's the luck of the draw unless you go private. Even this isn't a dead cert though. A very gifted child does a hell of a lot of questioning and some teachers don't like that. Their social skills can often be lacking as they come across as little adults, and other children don't like this. They stand out and the teachers don't often recognise that they need support to get along with others so they are told off as it's misconstrued as them being naughty. The only person they can turn to is often you, so you're their therapist, their parent and their teacher with all of the other jobs added in. It's an endless battle, I still go to bed knackered.

Well said, Caroline. I have two, and although they're not at the 'extreme' end, they are very different from their peers. DD1 is also one of the oldest in her class, and has struggled with friendships because she's so much more mature than her friends, and sometimes has very high expectations of people. Year 2 was a rubbish year for her - after she hit Level 3As at school, her teacher concluded that his job was done, and she totally switched off, as well as being alternately angry and tearful at home.

I wasn't surprised when DD2 started to read and write at 3, and kind of assumed it was 'normal for us'. The thing that did shock me is that she did it all by herself, without us teaching her. We're more fortunate with her birthday, in that she is summer-born and so not the eldest as well as the brightest, and does find some things to challenge her. However, school's way of dealing with her has been to move her into the top Year 2 sets for certain subjects from the beginning of Year 1, when she had not long turned 5. I expect they thought I'd be pleased, but I wasn't all that happy - she is very small, rather quiet and shy, and not particularly confident or mature within her rightful year group. I also wonder what is going to happen when she reaches Year 2 and has to repeat everything.

One thing that has helped is giving them instruments to learn, and DD1 has benefited from having a new language to do in Year 3. But I can see a time not too far into the future, when DD1 is going to get bored and frustrated again. Friendships can be an ongoing issue. Yet we are more fortunate than many in the same situation, as our DDs have managed to remain in the village school, with subject acceleration and pull-outs. It's not perfect, and we've had to fight for some of it, but it's much bettr than nothing.

So, is there a measurement of what constitutes "gifted"?

As in, if school tell you your kid is managing exam level work when she is at primary school, are they obliged to then give her work to stretch ad challenge her?

(asking for a friend. Obviously)

He does like drawing an he is really interested in space an talks about stars and plantes and things I'm pretty easy with him I let him lead. But he is so bad tempered sometimes and can be a little aggressive sometimes but not hitting just throwing things but he is such a caring boy .

It was only when my very able DS met and equally gifted teacher that his needs were finally met.

Smartest thing my DD2 has ever done was be born 5 weeks early - because it pushed her into an earlier academic year by just a couple of days, and I'm sure that saved her from years of boredom. She still gets bored sometimes, but was lucky enough to go to a primary with some sort of G&T setup and then into a selective secondary school. But even there I was told by her tutor that I should be asking the teachers at parents' evening what they were doing to stretch her - which I thought was part of their job!
The sad fact is that even the best state schools (and in this respect I don't mean academically best overall, but those that make the best efforts to address the needs of every child) simply don't have the money to fund appropriate education for children on all parts of the educational spectrum. And sadly they don't make up for it by addressing the social needs of such children either.
The government could help by recognising this and tempering its obsession with results, so that schools felt less pressure to focus on academic achievements and had more time in the early years to teach all children good social skills - including inclusion of children with all levels of social and academic abilities.

I had struggles with dd early in her school life too.

Her y1 teacher wouldn't give her appropriate reading books or maths work, she said she 'didn't want dd to get ahead'.
I had to point out that she was ahead, and that denying her work that was interesting was likely to make her disengaged and not enjoy school.

Dd wasn't reading by 2 or anything, but literally as soon as school explained phonics she was off, the same with maths and was doing long division by 5.

In year 2 she was supported a bit better, but year 3 was when it came together really.

School removed her for most maths lessons as she was doing high school level work and was finally allowed to take in her own books for home as she had long since devoured all the levels available.

She loves structure and order and ironically struggled with the 11+, although she will be attending the grammar school.

Now we are told that ds is g&t for maths and his teacher (yr2, was dd's yr1 teacher) has told us he is ahead of where dd was at that age.

I hate maths

A sad but true post. On the basis of what I read on mumsnet I live in fear of 5yo dc1 being "outed" as gifted and therefore treated differently by other children or their parents.

interesting to read.

pretty sure this will be by 2 year old in 3 years time, when she starts reception a week before her 5th birthday...

already knows all her numbers up to 99, sounding / spelling out 5 letter words, been writing individual letters since her 2nd birthday, speaks better english than most of the rest of this country, can do 50 piece puzzels she has never even seen before in minutes.

honestly i worry what will happen when she has absorded almost 2 and half years more information from "life"

am already thinking about flexi-schooling as i want her to attend school for at least some of the time...

Interesting post. I think anyone with a gifted child will relate to your reluctance to talk about your child's achievements. I very quickly learnt to deflect any comments about my dd's abilities and to change the subject as quickly as I could!

I agree, too, that parenting a gifted child can be challenging and exhausting. I struggled in the early years with dd's apparent lack of any need for sleep and when she was a toddler, one of my friends described her as an "intellectual vampire", sucking all the knowledge out of everyone around her!

However, our experiences of school have been incredibly positive. DD has been stretched and challenged at every step of the way, and I truly believe that she is being supported to reach her full potential. Yes, you could probably push her on to do exams earlier, but to what end? The main thing is, she is interested, engaged and excited about learning. She has never had problems socially, and she has tons of friends.

I don't know, I guess I just get annoyed by the assumption that giftedness has to be an issue of some sort. I know it isn't always a walk in the park. I know some kids are let down by the school system. I know some gifted children have problems fitting in (looking back, I was one if them). However, on the G&T boards, there seem to be so many people wanting to find problems where there aren't any. "I think my 2yo is gifted, what should I do?" I just want to tell them to forget the labels and enjoy their kids for what they are - gifts, deficiencies, quirks and all!

impatientismymiddlename- your post made feel really sad as that is the situation we are in with my dd at the moment. She is really sensitive and at the moment fairly miserable at school, getting called "weird" by her class mates because she doesn't fit in. And she has no other issues aside from a tendency to anxiety. It must be horrendous trying to get support for a gifted child with other areas that need extra help. We have spent two years asking for extra maths and although finally dd is getting some harder work , it isn't hard enough. She is bored with her favourite subject, desperate for close friends at school, and hence angry and difficult at home. We don't really want to home-ed, but school isn't working well for her, and I think that clever children are not celebrated in the way they were when I was at school. The brighter end of average is probably the best to be for a happy and successful life. . I feel really upset now, reading all our posts.

Thank you for this post. Two things you have wrote struck a chord with me. The fact that other 'disorders' accompany gifted abilities and secondly, that I am not the only person to have been accused of alienating my child from his peers by bringing him up to be so advanced & intelligent; said to me by one of his school teachers.
My son has Tourette's syndrome & is incredibly intelligent, emotionally as well as academically. Adults who don't know him well accuse him of being 'cocky' which upsets him greatly. He is far from cocky, he just knows when a person is talking utter crap! We have been very fortunate that he is in a school which has developed a 'special' class called Hwb - welsh. This is a class of mixed ages but similar abilities selected from the groups of 'more able & talented' students. They are taught separately but in such a way as they feel proud, challenged and enthusiastic in their studies. My 9 year old son took his GCSE maths recently & is so proud of his achievement. I am so proud of him & do you know what? I tell everyone about his achievements too. He deserves praise & encouragement and if his mum can't show this for him, what chance has he got of feeling proud of himself in the future? To hell with snide people - your child is the only person that matters!

It is so hard sometimes, DS1 is incredible at reading and maths, emotionally quite immature, very articulate, socially didn't get it for a long time, has an amazing way of recognising patterns (numbers, letters and symbols), very poor impulse control, very good sense of humour.

I find it hard to explain the bad bits, without going into a boast about the good bits. I know I have it so much easier than many, but find it hard to explain, seek empathy and advice. I have no illusions that it's in any way easier to have a child who has special needs, but I think it's possibly easier to talk about?

DS2 is showing similar levels of interest (recognises 4 digit numbers aged 3) but has friends and is capable of positive interaction with other children in a way that DS1 wasn't at the same age. I worry far more about DS1, as I think being gifted is far harder when it's combined with real problems. DS2 will, almost certainly, be better at hiding exception from his peers and doing what he needs to do, in order to fit in. I have less difficulty being proud and making much of his achievements, as it doesn't come with the same baggage.

One of the hardest parts of having a gifted child is having no-one who you can really talk to about it.

Well said!

I am 'that parent' who at the moment is accused of not allowing my child a childhood and being a pushy parent when all dc wants to do is read and learn. Dc is bored of school already which is concerning since he has only been going for 8 months! I had to fight for extra support which basically means we get stage related books home on a regular basis (as If this isn't something that is naturally done anyway!)

Other parents see it as a non issue and boastful while I feel I'm doing a disservice to my dc for allowing this stall in education to happen.

One of the hardest parts of having a gifted child is having no-one who you can really talk to about it.

This is what it is like, well for me anyway. Dealing with the constant praise from so many people, it can't be good for them and you feel like you can't praise them yourself for fear they'll become conceited.
Managing their insatiable appetite for their subject and most teachers unable to make any suitable suggestions.
Some parents secretly believing you must be a tiger mom, when sometimes you'd like a break from it all.

JoInScotland - I think that part of the issue here is that culturally we generally dislike self-advancement. Unfortunately, genuine attempts to gain insight and help for one's own children can be misinterpreted as an attempt at self-advancement.

It is a thorny issue. Until exceptional brightness is recognised as something that can exist outside of parental influence, many parents (and consequently their children) will be brushed off as the pushy boastful hot-housers. That is a very unpleasant place to be and since we were brought up to be self-effacing we try not to make a fuss.

I have found that a small school has been more accommodating that a large one.

'than' not 'that'

Am wondering which poster you are, obviously.

I have three gifted kids (not g&t gifted, ed psych tested gifted), two of whom are 2e, one of whom has cerebral palsy, the other having add and aspergers traits. The child with cp taught herself to read before she could speak. We had no idea, and in fact only realised she could read when she became verbal and was caught reading the lion the witch and the wardrobe at 3. Her infant school only went up to yr2, but in yr r she was assessed at being between 5 and 7 years ahead across the board. She still couldn't walk, and was statemented for communication as her speech was so dysarthric.

At one point we were told she wasn't eligible for any gifted acceleration as she wasn't two years ahead across the board. What was her 'failure'? Handwriting. she uses a keyboard as her fine motor skills are compromised by the cp. but that automatically ruled her out, as her handwriting had to be 2 years ahead as well...

The second school were so concerned that she saw their therapist for two years due to her social isolation. The isolation wasn't because of her disability, it was because at 7 she had nothing at all in common with her peers, and was quite happy in her own company. Fortunately the therapist was a sensible sort who recognised that it was everyone else's problem, not hers. And dd2 quite enjoyed her 1-1 sessions anyway.

We can't go private, as private schools won't take kids with disabilities.

Oh, add into the mix we were a military family, and you have a finite amount of time to start three gifted kids (two with ishoos) at a,n,other school, explain all their idiosyncrasies, expect the school to work out their needs and meet them (no one ever believes that your kid who drools has an iq higher than their consultant paed, for example), and hey presto, it's time to move again.

I absolutely echo brie's frustration about the school focus on learning/ physical dis-ability, not ability.

That said, I don't give a tiny toss about keeping quiet these days. And actually, people are going to find out anyway. Yr r was hysterical. Dd2 started off with everyone patting her head and ah blessing at her in her wheelchair, and then after a few months, people started coming up to me in the school yard and whispering 'is it true?' Because their kids had been chatting about this mystery kid who had to go and get books from somewhere else, or whatever the story of the day was.

Their bemusement was an improvement on their sympathy, anyway.

Keep on trucking, Caroline.

School, as in the head teacher, who is also the SENCO do not understasnd gifted. They have expressed concerns because she is learning about the periodic table at age6, said I am harming her socially. Refuse to teach her anything other than the curriculum in science. (sigh)

They have not heard of the cylinder/ funnel theory. They apparently have never had a child in Y2 be upset about learning about the fire of London. Why wouldn't a child be upset if they listen to recounts of other people's houses getting destroyed and the deaths of some people. We had tears over the In Summer song from Frozen, fears for the snowman melting.

They do not understand the sensory issues of Dabrowski's overexcitabilities.

Oh and it is a complete joke that he would follow the SENcode of practice for a gifted child. He wil not follow it for a child who has been diagnosed with ASD, despite numerous reminders.

Reading this with interest.
[Dont have a g&t child at all, but he is top of his year so I have to be careful what I say to people]. And to be blunt, he just manages to stay "normal" enough to function with others.

I would say, from a social point of view, to the op and others, to try and surround yourself with some like minded people, or at least those that understand.

I learnt a valuable lesson from a disabled thread recently on here. That even those people with disabilities are unsympathetic to those who have different disabilities and circumstances to themselves, and cant do what they can do. Who knew?
[and I can see glimpses of the same mentality on here, that some posters with a g&t child are not getting what it is like for other posters with a different g&t child]