Guest post: 'Having a gifted child isn't always a gift'

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Welcome to the biggest stealth boast in MN history, because I am about to write a whole guest post on being the parent of a gifted child.

This means breaking the number one rule, which is, of course: ‘Never, ever talk about your gifted child.’ The taboo around giftedness is so strong that – and I've agonised about this a lot – this post appears under a pseudonym. I just can't imagine any good coming out of being identified, particularly for my daughter. I very nearly changed her gender too, just to make sure that no one knows it's me. How sad is that? But I wanted to stick my neck out for a reason - because, actually, having a gifted child isn't the entertaining brag-fest you might think.

Imagine if you will, that school insisted that your Year 2 child go into Reception. Imagine that they are learning very little, and it's making them anxious and badly behaved because they know they are different. Imagine that the school say there's nothing they can do, and there's no right of appeal.

To cap it all, you can't even talk to your friends, because they will assume that you are deluded, boastful or hot-housing, or possibly all three. Should you say anything on-line, the responses are even harsher, ranging from disbelief and ridicule ('if they haven’t written a symphony by 4, what's the fuss about?'), accusations of not giving them a childhood, then usually: ‘oh, it will all even out in the end’.

This is a rough approximation of our lives and frankly, I hate it, every little bit of it. I hate the three solid years that we've spent fighting to make school work, socially and academically.

I hate the fact that we've had to move her from the neighbourhood school and we're no longer part of our local community in the same way. I hate not being able to talk about her achievements anywhere: not in the playground, not on Facebook and – the fact that has brought me here to rant at you – not even on Mumsnet. If I could choose, I'd far rather she wasn't gifted: plain old bright would do me just fine. But I haven't got that option.

The truth is that, just as there are children at the other end of the spectrum who find it harder to learn, there are gifted children. The government designation of the top 10% of any class as gifted and talented has muddied the water a great deal – and there isn't a proper definition - but let's say those with an IQ of 130 or above, which is about 2% if the population. These children don't find it easy in mainstream education – but any support they get is entirely at the discretion of the school, which can mean that it doesn't exist at all.

By the end of Reception, my daughter had the reading age of a twelve year old. ‘Great’, you might think, but in a school that only went up to Year 4, they didn't know what to do with her. But a gifted child just has to put up with it; their needs, it seems, don't count. ‘The others will catch up,’ said the head teacher. We had to point out that yes, this would happen if they did nothing, but perhaps this could be seen as a failing by the school rather than the natural course of events.

In many ways though, we have it easy. Compared with some of the children we've met, she’s pretty straightforward. But the girl I know who was reading chapter books in her pushchair before she was two and a half? She's been through four schools and is home-schooled now because it's the only way she can learn at her own level. Many gifted children end up being home-schooled because, in the end, there is nowhere else for them to go.

We also have it easy because our daughter's abilities don't come with many other special needs, apart from a bit of dyspraxia. But a significant number of gifted children have something else going on too, whether that's ASD, ADHD, or sensory issues, as well as physical issues such as hypermobility, making things even tougher for them and their parents.

So when you come across a thread where someone is trying, perhaps for the first time to ask whether their child is gifted or not, all I ask is that you think for a moment before responding. Yes, it might be a stealth boast. It may be true that other children will catch them up in a few years time. Equally though, it might be a parent really struggling with how different their child seems, unable to speak to anyone in real life and in need of help and support rather than a shredding.

Fin - your DD sounds v similar to mine, especially on the self extending stuff.

This evening she spent ages writing down every homophone she could think of (not been taught homophones in school - just picked it up when her older brother had homework on it a while ago).

However, she does have problems with friendships (or lack of which is starting to concern me greatly).

Yes, friendships have been an issue with us at times. Oddly, this has generally been because of excessive emotional maturity on DD's part rather than lack of it, which is what you might expect given that she's such a scaredy cat. She is not good at the general rough and tumble of child life, takes things to heart and spends too long worrying about what other people might be feeling and thinking. I am pretty sure most Reception children weren't rationalising and excusing other children's bad behaviour on the basis that 'they must be terribly unhappy because why else would they be so mean' etc. If, when I was that age, a child had been mean to me I'd have walloped them. DD, when I suggested this course of action, was horrified and said 'but then I'd be just as bad as them, maybe worse'!

My view is that the others will catch up to her in time and this has been the case to a certain extent. Reception was very hard at play time because she didn't like physical running games or rolling about in the mud, Y1 was hard because she didn't like the 'mine's better than yours' chat and general jockeying for position. Y2 turns out to be hard because she misjudges her audience a bit at times and tries to engage other children in slightly too grown up conversations, but it is definitely better than YR and Y1. Some of the others in her class are showing an interest in talking about stuff etc. Conversely, Y1 was better than Reception because there was a lot more imaginative play and Y2 was better than Y1 because they all joined the tap club and had something 'real' and non-competitive to talk about/practise/do together. They are all tapping their way round the playground like nutters and DD is v happy with this.

Mine would love the homophone thing. She spent ages recently attempting to write out all the powers of ten up to a googolplex but gave up after a while. She wouldn't let me help her with notation and the zeros got too much to cope with. We've since discovered that you can't write it out because it would simply take too long, even at two digits a second. Quite pleased about that. The morning of the powers of ten gave me a headache and I had to hide in the bathroom. I've probably outed myself to anyone who knows me well IRL now as I remember complaining on Facebook about it.

But even with the friendship stuff, she simply loves school. She just loves the structure and the getting to spend all day sitting down and writing things and playing with numbers. This is compensation for not having a proper friend in her mind and she actually doesn't mind that much.

My DD loves school too & isn't bothered by having no real friends. She doesn't like play time though.

DD adored reception (but had a fab teacher) as it was free play based so could choose not to play but write/read all day

DD also loved all the class time in Reception (it was also almost all free flow and her teacher was great) but just struggled with compulsory outside time, only two short breaks in morning and afternoon and lunch time play which was short for her as she is a VERY slow eater. To be honest, our time at home is very much like her reception time and always has been in that she'll come up with a question or see/think of something interesting and then we just take that further if she wants to. She was lucky to be in a v small class of 16 in Reception with a teacher and nearly full time TA, so she had a lot of adult input for whatever she happened to be interested in.

If your DD isn't bothered, can you try not to worry? It will probably come in time to some extent. It's when they are not happy that you have to worry, I think.

Maybe you are right.

I just don't want to leave it too late (have a friend with a kid in yr4 who has the same issue but feels it is too late to do anything about it as friendships are well & truly established).

I am hoping that as others catch up (maturity wise) she may have a few kids on her wave length.

If there are any children at all who she feels a connection with then you could still do having them over for tea. I do this for DD even though it is sometimes difficult and I have to be the person in charge a bit. I think it is good to set a precedent of 'X is my friend, she invited me to her house' if that makes any sense.

She has 2 kids whom she feels a connection with.

One, we went to the park with today & he was down right horrid to her (been diagnosed as on the spectrum although assessment ongoing) & the other she adores but my God, they bicker! And that is it, not interested in anyway else

Maybe I will leave it for a bit but I need to speak to the teacher as she has been upset coming out of school by one of her friends (same one that wasn't nice in the park) calling her a "freak"

Simpson - I don't think y4 is too late to make friends, it's very random when they finally meet the people they 'click' with. I know lots of people who say they didn't meet people they were really proper friends with until uni. At primary age, I think some of them are happy just bobbing along doing their own thing, although the mistreatment from people your DD wants to be friends with probably needs to be monitored fairly closely.

DS1 was always a bit of a loner, but happy on his own, pootling about doing his own thing. He has now developed a BF and this has brought a new set of stresses, as then there is the horrible worry about what will happen if it all goes wrong. BF's mum is lovely but not punctual, reliable or good at making plans, which really bothers DS1. BF was off on the day DS1 had his most recent ed psych assessment, BF's mum admitted this was a skiving for fun reasons day off, she'd have had no way of knowing it was DS1's assessment day but it was an unfortunate coincidence. Fortunately DS1 had a good day without BF, so the assessment went well, but that wouldn't always be the case.

Simpson, you may find that in year 5 there is a major reshuffle amongst friends anyway. It's a pattern that seems very common to year 5 girls (with lots of tears unfortunately) - not quite sure why.

Well, things seem to have taken a turn for the worse & she is getting bullied at school (instigated by her "best friend") by a few kids.

Have had several meetings with her teacher & they are going to try a few different tactics to encourage her to mix with others which is all good.

Oh dear, I'm very sorry to hear that. Glad the teacher is on top of it.

Having said that my daughter generally finds school easy, a massive friendship issue has just blown up in our faces and I'm feeling very sad about it. Why does primary school have to be so hard?!

Oh no

My DD seems happier as her teacher has run a "friendship club" for part of DD's lunch break (colouring in, dancing etc) which seems to be working well, fingers X.

It is so hard. I think at Primary level there should be lessons in friendship and relationships generally. How to be a good friend, how to stand up for yourself etc. And schools should have more focus on fostering kindness. At play time they are watched but left to get on with it, whereas sometimes they need a bit of help resolving things, but don't want to go to a teacher with the problem.

Yes, I do think that 'how to be a good friend' is something that would benefit every child. DD's school is good generally at fostering kindness (there is very much a culture of not leaving people out, not telling people they can't play etc which is one of the main reasons I chose the school which is slightly unpopular in the local area) but as you say, sometimes they don't want to go to the teacher and feel they should be able to sort it out themselves. Or there isn't a proper specific thing to complain about and so they don't quite know how to raise the issue - they just know things aren't quite right.

Those clubs are great, Simpson. DD attended Lunch Club for most of YR and Y1 and found it enormously helpful.

OK, I don't know if any of you are still following this but what happens when it all goes wrong? What happens when your child suddenly sits up and says 'actually, this is boring and too easy and I'm not liking it'? In a matter of weeks, we seem to have snowballed from 'everything is OK' to 'friendships are becoming difficult' to 'nothing we do at school is very interesting because it is all too easy and I am bored'. DD was very cross today because her table were doing some basic algebra and nobody else got it and she got it in two seconds flat, explained it to the rest of the table and explained it again for those who didn't get it and was bored after that. She came home and said she was angry that there was nothing to do in the lesson. It wasn't a great activity as she really had nowhere to go with it so couldn't self-extend, but what do I say to her? And what do I say to school if it carries on?

Oh Fin I am sorry, as your dd sounds such a lovely and amazing little girl. We have had this with DD1, although as the friendship thing has gone haywire, she is less attentive of work, so she has complained less and I think is generally finding it less easy than she was, as she isn't paying much attention, she's too anxious. I really don't have the answer. in our case it has been made worse by a tricky head. At the moment we have a deputy head in charge who seems far better at dealing with any problems so hopefully things will improve. The general wisdom is usually to teach your child that sometimes they will be bored in class, and to deal with that in a dignified way, to ask the school to help with challenging work, and to do as much extra curricular stuff as possible. Personally we find the EC stuff very had to do, partly as my dds get really tired and want to flop about after school, and partly as we live in a fairly remote rural area where tutors and exciting play areas are rare. We have beautiful scenery though, so lots on inspiring natural places.
I should add that the children generally seem ready to break up now, tired, grumpy, and picking on each other. It may be better in September.

Thank you so much for replying. It just helps to know that other people get through it somehow, however hard it is. I think friendships becoming hard (which is definitely partly to do with end of term tiredness) is having an effect on the work because normally she's just happy to chat with a friend when she's finished whatever it is. Because she feels unhappy about friendships she is concentrating more on schoolwork and it's probably better for her to concentrate on the social stuff and run through the work easily and quickly!

You are right that things may be better in September. I do hope so.

We have tons of EC stuff available, being in London, but they get so worn out at this time of year as you say. But we have lots of exciting things planned in the holidays so I am going to talk that up to her and get her to concentrate on all the good things coming up.

Thanks for listening.

We are Welsh, but lived in London for a long time, we moved back to Wales when dd2 was a baby. I do slightly pine for London still, and certainly I miss all the lovely galleries and things to do. (And Selfridges ) Now the girls are getting bigger we will try and get time in London more often. I almost lived in London zoo when dd1 was tiny, we went a few times a week as I had an annual pass.
I hope that the friendship thing is better next term for your dd, and for mine. Could your dd go up a year if things don't improve?

Ah, lovely Selfridges...

Thanks. I too hope things are better for all of them next term.

No, she can't go up a year. It's absolutely never done here, and despite the recent friendship issues she would really miss her friends. And she's so small for her age anyway that it would probably just create a whole host of new issues!

It was offered to us with DD1, but we chose not to, as I was worried about her ending up in secondary school a year early, with all the pressures of boyfriends etc. I think perhaps it varies from school to school? When does your dd break up? Mine don't for just over a fortnight. I wish it was this Friday, this half term has been far too long. Where in London are you?

We have nearly another THREE bloody weeks to go! And I agree, this half term has seemed absolutely endless.

One bright spot today is that I talked to the mum of DD's friend O who has been the cause of recent angst (because DD thought O didn't like her any more) and it turns out that O thought DD didn't like her any more and was upset about it so was mean to her. But the only reason DD was avoiding O was because of a third child who has been sort of trying to split them up. Confused yet? Anyway, the upshot of it all was that apparently O has been complaining about the third child too and worrying about the situation as well, so we have a meet up arranged for Friday after school which will really cheer DD up.

We are in Richmond. If you ever do come to London with your DDs and fancy a meet up in a park somewhere or similar, please let me know! We could have a coffee and a moan and the DDs could discuss how to save the tigers or something.

I was going to say the same to you if you ever come on holiday to Pembrokeshire. In fact if you fancy camping we have a huge 5m bell tent that we would happily lend you, there are lots of lovely beaches here! I think mine break up on the 18th or 19th, whichever is the Friday.
My dd2 was mean to her friend (also an O) yesterday, because a third friend told dd that O had said she was "embarrassing". DD was very upset, O is a very sweet little boy, and I think either didn't mean it or didn't say it at all, so dd has taken in a little card today saying she was sorry for having been mean to him, and some lego that her Grandma gave her that she has rejected as "only for boys". I never imagined their friendships would be so complicated! I foolishly thought after the toddler stage it would all be plain sailing until the teenage years .

Thank you so much, that's a really kind offer! I have never camped anywhere apart from with the Woodcraft Folk as a child but have been fancying a go at it recently so you never know... We're fully booked for the summer but I will certainly keep it in mind for some time in the future. I bet DD would love it.

We break up on the 22nd for some bizarre reason, so just a little after you. But we have loads of fun stuff planned for the holidays. Two weeks in France, a week in the Channel Islands to see family, a week of Stagecoach and hopefully some meet ups with friends from school and day trips to nice places. I plan to keep DD so busy that she won't have any time to fret about anything.

I foolishly thought after the toddler stage it would all be plain sailing until the teenage years

Me too! God knows what the teenage years are going to be like if primary school is like this. I hope your DD and her O have it all sorted now. It does sound like some kind of misunderstanding (or possibly an outright lie, depending on third child - DD has suffered a bit on occasion from some children saying whatever comes into their heads with more or less no reference to the truth).