Guest post: 'Having a gifted child isn't always a gift'

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Welcome to the biggest stealth boast in MN history, because I am about to write a whole guest post on being the parent of a gifted child.

This means breaking the number one rule, which is, of course: ‘Never, ever talk about your gifted child.’ The taboo around giftedness is so strong that – and I've agonised about this a lot – this post appears under a pseudonym. I just can't imagine any good coming out of being identified, particularly for my daughter. I very nearly changed her gender too, just to make sure that no one knows it's me. How sad is that? But I wanted to stick my neck out for a reason - because, actually, having a gifted child isn't the entertaining brag-fest you might think.

Imagine if you will, that school insisted that your Year 2 child go into Reception. Imagine that they are learning very little, and it's making them anxious and badly behaved because they know they are different. Imagine that the school say there's nothing they can do, and there's no right of appeal.

To cap it all, you can't even talk to your friends, because they will assume that you are deluded, boastful or hot-housing, or possibly all three. Should you say anything on-line, the responses are even harsher, ranging from disbelief and ridicule ('if they haven’t written a symphony by 4, what's the fuss about?'), accusations of not giving them a childhood, then usually: ‘oh, it will all even out in the end’.

This is a rough approximation of our lives and frankly, I hate it, every little bit of it. I hate the three solid years that we've spent fighting to make school work, socially and academically.

I hate the fact that we've had to move her from the neighbourhood school and we're no longer part of our local community in the same way. I hate not being able to talk about her achievements anywhere: not in the playground, not on Facebook and – the fact that has brought me here to rant at you – not even on Mumsnet. If I could choose, I'd far rather she wasn't gifted: plain old bright would do me just fine. But I haven't got that option.

The truth is that, just as there are children at the other end of the spectrum who find it harder to learn, there are gifted children. The government designation of the top 10% of any class as gifted and talented has muddied the water a great deal – and there isn't a proper definition - but let's say those with an IQ of 130 or above, which is about 2% if the population. These children don't find it easy in mainstream education – but any support they get is entirely at the discretion of the school, which can mean that it doesn't exist at all.

By the end of Reception, my daughter had the reading age of a twelve year old. ‘Great’, you might think, but in a school that only went up to Year 4, they didn't know what to do with her. But a gifted child just has to put up with it; their needs, it seems, don't count. ‘The others will catch up,’ said the head teacher. We had to point out that yes, this would happen if they did nothing, but perhaps this could be seen as a failing by the school rather than the natural course of events.

In many ways though, we have it easy. Compared with some of the children we've met, she’s pretty straightforward. But the girl I know who was reading chapter books in her pushchair before she was two and a half? She's been through four schools and is home-schooled now because it's the only way she can learn at her own level. Many gifted children end up being home-schooled because, in the end, there is nowhere else for them to go.

We also have it easy because our daughter's abilities don't come with many other special needs, apart from a bit of dyspraxia. But a significant number of gifted children have something else going on too, whether that's ASD, ADHD, or sensory issues, as well as physical issues such as hypermobility, making things even tougher for them and their parents.

So when you come across a thread where someone is trying, perhaps for the first time to ask whether their child is gifted or not, all I ask is that you think for a moment before responding. Yes, it might be a stealth boast. It may be true that other children will catch them up in a few years time. Equally though, it might be a parent really struggling with how different their child seems, unable to speak to anyone in real life and in need of help and support rather than a shredding.

From the education point of view, less good news.
I dont think that anything much is going to change anytime soon.

Education is really done for the masses. And with monetary constraints. And with respect, some of the children on here can never really be catered for by a mainstream system.
Their abilities are far superior!
But seriously, you know what I mean.

tbh, I think it has always been thus. At least in this country. No idea if any other country has ever done better about it.

I do think, that in the age of the internet, the chances of at least talking with others, even if just over the internet, have vastly improved.
tbh, failing that, I would put a notice up somewhere in town or village, leaving a mobile number. Or asking around, to see if there is anyone local or localish who is going through similar.
I personally would oput up with the social embarassment of doing that, but realise that that might be going a bit far for most people to do!

Schools have funds for 1-1 sessions, generally used for those who are struggling but can be used for gifted children also - just keep pushing for it, asking what they are doing to cater for your child - may take a few years, but they will eventually listen(our scholl did anyway)

Do your academically gifted children at least get sent on gifted and talented days sometimes? Though I imagine this doesn't help much when your child is so far ahead of the norm. There are also places that do gifted and talented holiday courses.
These children have the potential to do great things in later life. It would surely make sense for the government to set up some specialist boarding schools for the academically gifted, where they can be taught with like minded peers and by specialist teachers. Much better use of money that Gove's Free Schools.

I had a reading age of over 15 at the end of KS1. School was quite boring for me.

Now I teach kids with SEN in mainstream school. Ok school I'd boring when you're gifted. But that's a darn sight easier to live with than hardly being able to read at the end of KS4.

Schools have limited resources. Until this changes the very top and very bottom will continue to struggle. It sucks.

School *is boring. Stupid autocorrect!

I feel that schools are very narrow on their definition of gifted. IQ is not an effective way to define giftedness. There are intelligences that are not measured by IQ tests.

For example nuturing music, performing arts, sports, fine art ablity is not measured by exams. Often these children get inadequate support. Spending hours training for sport or music practice needs to be balanced with academic work. Other countries have state sponsored sports or music academies.

Being good at Maths and English doesn't necessarily mean that someone has lots of potential to do great things with their life. Its unfair to put that kind of pressure on any child.

Hellymelly - I really feel for you and your dd. It's really crap when your child's sensitive side is brushed off as a weakness and they are expected to just deal with it.
I was in that situation with my DS a couple of years ago. The school wouldn't even acknowledge his giftedness, they kept saying well he is about 4/5 years ahead in most areas of maths but he has really struggled with one single question this year so we don't want to give him more advanced work than everyone else. He also needs to learn to get on better with his classmates, he gets upset all the time and is making himself a target. They don't mention anything about the fact that he was upset all the time due to bullying and failed to accept that the problem existed when it was posted out and verified by other parents who had witnessed it. Our son had reache the point where he was trying (and failing) to dumb himself down because being bright was not something to feel good about at that school.
I eventually reached the end of my tether and moved my DS to an independent school. It is a huge financial stretch for us (even though we have a decent scholarship reduction). We have had to make a lot of changes to afford the fees, but our son is now so much happier and is sufficiently academically challenged. During his first term his teacher came to tell me that he had got upset over a few minor things that week but she had sorted it and that the emotional vulnerability was expected in such a gifted child so it wasn't something that she saw as a problem for them to deal with. It was such a relief to hear a teacher say that (A) my son was gifted and (B) that the emotional upset was not a problem and was understandable. Having the right school with teachers that understand has made a huge difference to our son. He can now go to school and feel happy and not feel the need to hide his ability.

ReallyTired - if you want the Government (and in particular this government) to spend serious money on academically gifted children, then you need to convince them that they will be repaid in the future, by way of the wonderful things that such children who are encouraged to fulfil their potential will be able to do. Not every single child, but a good number of them. Eg in terms of innovation in industry, raising the profile of the country in the arts, etc.

Swannery

A lot of people who do well in later life were not deemed gifted at school. Many innovators left school with few qualifications. People like Einstein, Richard Branson, John Major, Lord Sugar were not considered bright at school. Quite a few living gifted people have dyslexia.

Precocious academic success rarely translate into being a gifted adult. I am struggling to think of many one living who is considered to be a gifted adult and was a gifted child. The only example I can think of is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

I feel that money for "gifted and talented children" would be better spent on supporting child mental health rather than the broad 10%. The top 10% of the class can easily be catered for by differentiation. Only a tiny fraction of children on the gifted and talented register cannot accomodiated in the classroom by normal differentiation.

Perhaps we should look at the role of super selective schools like Tiffins for catering for that top 0.1%. Super selective schools need their own curriculum rather than following the national curriculum.

Yes, Really, I was talking about the highly gifted, not the top 10%. I would look into setting up a small number of boarding schools (also taking local day pupils) for the highly gifted, who would be taught outside of the National Curriculum. They would obviously need to know the NC stuff, but would have probably covered most of that before they arrived at the gifted and talented school. They would be taught in a completely different way, hence the need for G and T specialist teachers, and there would probably be a lot of encouragement of creativity / new ideas.
I suspect that highly gifted children would do better in later life if they went to a specialist school, where they were actually challenged and worked with peers who were as able as they were. If such children are not turning into gifted and intellectually productive adults, it just goes to show that the current system is nor working for them.

Really tired: I personally feel that the 10% is an unrealistic figure as the majority of those children are just bright rather than truly gifted. I think a better figure to describe giftedness would be only 1 or 2% at the most and those children (in my personal experience) are often not given appropriate level work as they are expected to work with the top group in the class which is often at least 15% of the class. Some classes might work better than this and differentiate work more appropriately, but studies do regularly show that gifted children are not adequately catered for in mixed ability classes.

I also have problems with people referencing people such as Branson and Einstein when they talk about success and academia. It is widely believed that Einstein had aspergers and this might be responsible for his innate abilities which became apparent later in his life. It is also thought that he was non verbal until quite late in his childhood so I really don't think he is representative or a good example of people who were not gifted.
Other people like Branson had dyslexia which years back was not diagnosed very often and children who might have been very gifted were labelled 'thick' because of their dyslexia. Do we know that he wasn't gifted?

For those of you with children who have social problems, school should have special social groups for kids who struggle (certainly in primary). This is nothing to do with academic learning, but usually talking about worries, building relationships, helping with self esteem, anxiety. My son goes to one of these. Many of these kids will be at the other end of the spectrum and also have learning difficulties which makes them susceptible to bullying and anxiety, but it doesn't really matter where you are academically as it's not about that.

I am meant to be working but a couple of things I did want to say (apart from thank you to everyone who has joined in).

rumplestilt In America, state schools have to provide some kind of gifted support, and children test in. This isn't always up to very much, but there is at least the idea that children need to be identified. And there are also gifted magnet state schools that do more. Plus the US also has Davidsons, which advocates for very gifted children and trains schools and so on. People moan about it a lot, so it's far from perfect but it is more than we have.

ReallyTired Being good at Maths and English doesn't necessarily mean that someone has lots of potential to do great things with their life. Its unfair to put that kind of pressure on any child.

I agree, there shouldn't be any pressure. But what that child should have is an education that actually works for them.

Which also applies to what they achieve in later life. It's up to them what they do, but that's no reason not to educate them. (I also suspect, although have no way of proving it, that lots of gifted children don't do well in later life precisely because they are deeply bored and get turned off education, never learn perseverance, etc etc).

And yes, I agree totally that the 10% measure doesn't work and it is only the top fraction that can't be accommodated.

Cross posted with Impatient.

Perhaps this is one place where IQ figures - whatever their problems and cultural bias and so on - can be a useful illustration.

I used the figure of 130 as a cut off point in the article, not entirely as a figure plucked out of the air but also because it is two standard deviations from the norm. In IQ a standard deviation is 15 points.

In our imaginary, utterly statistically conformist, class of 30, the middle of the class have an IQ of 100. The top table - three or four children - will in theory have an IQ of 115 (13% of the population).

So a child with an IQ of 130 - our hypothetical gifted child in the top 2% - is as different from the top table as the top table is from the rest of the class.

And then when you get a child with an IQ of 145 (top 0.3%), they are as different again. And it's pretty hard to teach them as part of the group.

And then if you have a child with an IQ of 160 you give up and home school.

ReallyTired

I agree with you regarding money being spent on mh rather than G&T.
Education, well state at least is for the masses, to suit the majority.
Parents can give support encouragement and pick up what the school are unable to offer.

There are specialist schools and academically selective schools that can cater for many, not all G&T. There is provision of some sort, but those who are struggling through learning disabilities or mh usually have to wait far too long for diagnosis and extra support.

My dd knew that school couldn't accommodate her needs and that she was different, so she made the decision to leave and pursue her talent.
What she has now is pretty much ideal for her needs, but I know that one day we will have to rethink and support her needs in other ways.

To me, this is the main problem with G&T, its bloody hard work for parents sometime.

impatient- thank you for that lovely post. I am crying reading about your ds. We have had the same comment about dd's maths- as in if she gets a question wrong then somehow she doesn't deserve extra work. Even though if she makes a maths mistake it is almost always due to her getting bored and skim-reading the questions. She got terribly upset in reception when they did a piece on Grace Darling. I think to the other children it was a story, but she was sobbing and telling me that the people had really drowned, and there had been mummies with children. She had nightmares for months. Luckily her reception teacher, although surprised as she hadn't had another child upset by it, dealt with it really well and didn't show her any other films etc. I am dreading them doing stuff about the wars/holocaust. She accidentally (we were in a +e) saw the news and heard a small bit that DNA had been found from April Jones. She has kept that inside for over a year, having nightmares and trying not to think of it, until last week when she came downstairs crying. The school she is in now are completely unsympathetic to this sort of thing and expect her to just conform. DD2 is similarly sensitive, at a petting zoo aged nearly 4, she went white and started to cry rather than bottle feed a calf. "Why isn't that calf being fed milk from its Mummy?" "Why has it been taken away to be fed from a bottle? Where is the Mummy? She must want her baby" etc. Sobbing. So many things at school have upset her that she keeps her head down now. DD1 is more outgoing at school, but this has made her more of a target. I don't know what we are going to do tbh. We would have to move very far away from here to find an independant school, even if we could afford it, which at present i don't think we could.

funnel and cylinder theory helly

Helly, it is so reassuring to read about your DD's. Mine is just the same. She found Grace Darling almost unbearable in Y1 and I am absolutely dreading Friday's WW1 day. I never let her read or listen to the news as she is absolutely devastated by some of the things she has accidentally heard. She couldn't even cope with the legend of Daedalus and Icarus at school. We have had some help from CAMHS and she is having art therapy, which has helped a little - it might be worth investigating if something similar is available for your children?

And thank you BlackeyedSusan for that page - it describes DD to a tee. So so reassuring to know that others are struggling with this too.

"We have had some help from CAMHS and she is having art therapy, which has helped a little - it might be worth investigating if something similar is available for your children?"

hollow laugh.

I know a gifted eleven year old boy who is currently suicidal and he has been no help whatsoever. My (non gifted) son did get help last year, but only when he started hearing voices. Even then the help was six sessions of CBT.

Oh dear, I know a lot of people struggle to access help but honestly our local team have been brilliant. It wasn't more than a month from asking for help to being seen for assessment and the actual therapy wasn't long after that (and DD was not an urgent case). I realise not every area is as good as ours, though. Sorry to hear about your son. I hope he's OK or at least improving now.

I have a DD with a high IQ - not had her measured but I am over 150 and DD is so like me that I'm pretty sure she is up there too.
DH is a whizz at Maths which DD has inherited - we moved her to a small, very good at coping with the "different child" independent school. We rejected a couple of the more selective private academic schools after DD sat their entrance exams and said they were "easy and boring".

Still end up arguing with the English teacher who says DD can't possibly have read an entire book in one evening - yes she can: I did and still do.
A year on and I think the teacher has finally twigged...DD is the only one who doesn't have to fill in a daily reading diary.

I think it is very difficult for a child who has a higher IQ than their teachers and classmates yet is still emotionally a child - with DD most of my time is spent discussing why her classmates act a certain way, while other mums are helping their children with homework. I never help DD with homework - she does it in class most days but she struggles with the concept that others are not as fast as she is and often her group work is difficult as she is practically biting her tongue to stop telling people what to do and let them work things out for themselves.

I always remember the Big Bang Theory quote: "I've been telling you since you were 3 years old, it's ok to be smarter than everyone else, just don't go around telling people."

Luckily DD's school celebrates all successes, academic, sports, music and so we don't get envy or sour grapes and lots of people tell us how talented DD is (which embarrasses her). It is a friendly school that really tailors work to the child and don't mind DD being about 3 years ahead; we have been very fortunate. I could never have home schooled, I have not got the temperament!

I enjoyed reading the funnel and cylinder theory, I have never seen that before.

I'm just thinking more about academically gifted children and I do feel that, as the OP states, it is something that we feel awkward discussing with others. It feels like people think we are just bragging. It feels too much like people see it as competitive parenting, when really all we want to do is talk about our children in the same way that parents of average ability children have discussions.
My son is not very sporty and struggles with sports but I have no problem with people telling me about their son being selected as captain of the school football team or being selected for trails with the regional junior swim team. People seem more comfortable discussing sporting ability and it seems more acceptable to do so.
When I have discussed my son being able to tell the time perfectly at the age of 3 or knowing his complete set of 12 times tables at the age of 3 (self taught) it is dismissed, not believed or people ask me if I have considered that my son might need an assessment for Aspergers. He doesn't need an assessment, he had one at the age of 3 when a busybody nursery teacher thought his ability to tell the time made him totally abnormal. The paediatrician declared him 'just a very bright child with no signs of any recognisable social disorder'.

I would recommend the following book: gifted children by Kate Distin for any parent with a young gifted child who wishes to learn more. I read that book and it explained lots of things without bias.
I'm so glad I found an understanding school for my son as the alternative would have been home education and I'm not sure that my own sanity could have withstood home education, especially with a child who despite being primary aged already knows much more than me in certain subject areas.

Ds2 is gifted, three days after starting nursery at four school asked me to allow them to call in the ed psych. He was very well looked after in primary, in secondary he used his talents to run rings around every system they had in place. Didn't learn a great deal, still got a whole clutch of GCSEs, AS and A2s but he had a great deal of fun and a fantastic social life.
He's currently half way through a Masters (funded by his workplace) and still waiting for the time when he will have to work hard or put any effort in to get the results needed.

I have to say, I can only agree with most these posts.
I personally wouldn't put dc1 as G&T as in in the 'IQ above 130' category (or whatever it is) but he certainly has found it very easy, can grasps concepts way above his age.

But school has NEVER supported that. I've had a teacher telling me she didn't know how to deal with him and then 'well actually he can't do X and Y so it must have levelled out'...
Or when the teacher clearly resented him to make comments and show he knew more than her on the subject (Happened when he was in Reception and I had to tell the teacher that actually yes he was right...) or because 'he just talking too much'

I've actually decided NOT to teach him anything at home because it has always put him in a difficult position as he could easily have been about 2 years ahead, if not 3. And I've concentrated on social skills and ensuring he is fitting as well as possible with his peers.

I can only imagine how hard it is for children who are truly gifted...