Bright child has no friends at preschool

[Tetherless]

My son started at preschool in September, having turned 3 last May (so is still 3). He’d never been to childcare before and we’d had a very isolated existence during covid as all family live abroad and we had to shield for the first lockdown. He struggled a lot settling in initially - wouldn’t sit with other children at meals, cried at drop off etc - but by the end of the first term he was joining in with everything, got on really well with the staff and seemed to me to have made huge progress.

He didn’t play with other kids at all at first but now does to a limited degree (apparently mainly when he can lead the activity). He much prefers talking to the adults. The staff have said that they are concerned with his social communication because he doesn’t have friends yet and have mentioned ASD as something they are thinking about.

DS is and always has been incredibly advanced - he met all milestones early, particularly those relating to communication (babbled with consonants at 4 months, pointing and first words at 8 months, sentences at 13 months). His maths is similarly advanced and he is extremely musical. He can read pretty well (on year 1 books atm). He is incredibly sensitive, imaginative, has a fantastic memory and sense of humour and is creative with a very wide range of interests. Motor skills wise he walked early, could ride a bike before he was 3, draws really well and starting to write. He has no sensory issues, eats and sleeps well and I have never considered him to have any kind of rigidness in terms of approach to routines. He’s generally pretty flexible but will sometimes kick off if he doesn’t get what he wants (which I thought was typical of his age). He is a bit of a stickler for the rules when playing games and that’s one of the things that nursery has cited (in addition to his preference for talking to adults) as “evidence” that he may be on the spectrum.

It has never crossed my mind that he is anything other than a bright but neurotypical child. Quite how bright I’m not sure. I feel that his issues making friends and preferring adults stem from a combination of natural shyness (DH and I both shy, academically high achieving kids), lack of practice due to covid and being used to being with adults, and difficulty engaging with peers whose language and interests are very different from his.

I feel that nursery has totally got it wrong but am conscious of course that they have a lot of experience (though possibly not with a child with this particular combination of circumstances). I feel slightly trapped in a parallel universe where they are seeing a completely different child from the one we see at home. They don’t seem to see his intelligence as a factor in his interactions with peers and seem keen to label him which seems crazy to me.

Should I be concerned? Is there anything I should be saying/doing with them or with him? Do I need to help him more with friendships or will it come with time? I feel slightly at a loss.

My ds was very similar to what your dc is like when he was at that age.
My ds is an only child, and surrounded by adults all the time and struggled socially in early years.
It's easy to interact with adult because they accommodate their needs, while children won't.
In my ds's case, it went better as he aged. But the nursery and school knowing his problem really helped.

I would listen to their suggestions. You can always encourage him to socialise with other children. Have play dates. Join some clubs.

Some three year olds might play with friends, but many others still play alongside at that age. I really wouldn't worry about it at this stage.

Thanks. I should say DS is not an only child - sibling born during covid which was also a big change for him - but she is only 18 months now so not much of a playmate yet. He alternates between jealousy and being really sweet with her atm.

I think I feel that they are so wide of the mark on the ASD thing that I don’t trust them at all otherwise, but maybe that’s a mistake.

Hi OP

DS1 was super bright as a pre-schooler (early reader, v. musical etc) but struggled in some ways (emotional dysregulation, mainly). He was put on the SEN register in reception, and was given an ASD diagnosis when he was 7, followed a year later by an ADHD diagnosis.

He’s now 9 and medicated for his ADHD. He’s absolutely flying at school, and is loved by his teachers and friends. I guess I’m saying that an ASD diagnosis can be really beneficial; school have put loads of strategies in place for him and he’s so happy.

Many parents don’t recognise ASD in their children because they share those same traits and it’s their ‘normal’. The world is becoming a much more accepting place for neurodivergence, and there is lots of help available.

PS Early reading is a red flag for ASD - it’s called hyperlexia and there’s quite a lot of evidence to support it being a facet of ASD.

Sound similar to my eldest, she was diagnosed autistic at 23

Sounds very much like my son, who’s autistic and completely wonderful.
Everything you’ve written about your son is suggesting he’s autistic to me. My son was an early reader, very intelligent, musical, chatty, hilarious , stickler for rules and hates losing, imaginative.
More negative signs started when my son was 3-4 when he started screaming about getting his own way about everything. He’d been an utter joy until then. Sensory issues came later and he’s not rigid in his routines.
Autism is a huge spectrum and it might be worth considering what nursery are saying to you.

I’m a nursery teacher and I would be suspecting your child was on the spectrum too.
You are the expert on your child but nursery teachers have seen hundreds of children and have a pretty good grasp of child development
It’s actually quite daunting to have to tell a parent that their child may need support and may have ASD. It’s not something we do lightly.

Sorry but what suggests autism? He’s an early reader but he doesn’t have hyperlexia - his comprehension and spoken language is excellent. The only things nursery have raised as a concern are that he prefers speaking to adults over children and he likes enforcing rules when they play rule based games - are those things really red flags for autism?! DH and I are both neurotypical.

Yep DD had amazing speech and comprehension skills sentences by 14 months very complex and long ones by 18 months. Preferred interacting with adults than other DC, didn't watch TV until she was over 2. Very bright/academic did have a few close friends eventually.

DS doesn’t have any problems with emotional regulation or any sensory issues at all. I get that there is greater awareness of neurodivergence these days but my fear is that as a result of this they are trying to label him as something he’s not.

They are just alerting you to it being a possibility as they should?

It just seems a very big leap to me, and quite a serious thing to mention. If they have other grounds for concern beyond the things they’ve said (the main one being that he doesn’t play with the other kids much, the rules thing was an aside) then I wonder why they didn’t mention them, and if they don’t have anything else, then it just seems quite an extreme conclusion to draw.

When we meet up with friends who have kids they play happily together (when it is 1-1). I think he’s just shy in the big group environment for the reasons I’ve said.

I have an exceedingly bright DD whose abilities matched your DS's. She was alone with me in the middle of nowhere until she turned 3 and we moved and she attended preschool. Preschool didn't suggest ASD to us because her social skills matched her age expected abilities. When preschool staff talk about social communication issues, they don't just mean he prefers their company or he plays alone. They will have seen hundreds of children and are watching him interact according to expected social development. Hundreds of children are bright and/or shy and/or eldest children. The social and communication difficulties associated with autism are different.

There is no harm in letting them suggest extra support or assessment. The earlier the better frankly. It's not a criticism or a failure to appreciate who he is, it's an external eye. I've seen countless parents utterly shocked by the suggestion and the defensive reaction. Usually, the preschool is right. And if they're not? There's nothing to lose.

OP, professionals don’t want to label your DS, they want to help him.

I considered myself neurotypical my whole adult life (went to Oxford, high-achieving, successful career) but I now realise that both DH and I show signs of Aspergers/ADHD and both of us struggled with friendships as children (DH far more than me).

Your DS sounds utterly fab, and I’m sure he’s going to be an amazing success. He might or might not have ASD; if he does, then school will need to support him with certain things.

Just as an aside, I teach in a secondary school. If we have a child whose parents don’t want them diagnosed with autism, we use the many of the same strategies to help them as we would a child with an autism diagnosis. Teachers are generally great at spotting children needing extra support, and also recognising their incredible talents alongside this.

How about at playgrounds, does he play with children there? Is he better with children a year or two older? DS was very bright and the early years were a bit tricky, his abilities and interests were that of a child about one and a half times his age so he was drawn towards older children, but speech (unlike your DS), maturity, and size were pretty average for his age, so asymmetrical development. He got by socially as he was always one of the very youngest in classes at primary but didn't really find his tribe until secondary. DS isn't autistic, not saying your DS is or isn't, just that mine was bright and out of sync but still NT.

@BelleTheBananas

PS Early reading is a red flag for ASD - it’s called hyperlexia and there’s quite a lot of evidence to support it being a facet of ASD.

I was a very early reader, didn't like playing with other children, preferred the company of adults. I mostly wanted to be left alone to read.

I'm high functioning autistic, used to be referred to as aspergers.

I would hear them out and ask what steps they propose to improve his social skills (DS's nursery had lots of great ideas and put a lot of time into setting up play with a chosen other child etc).

You may well be right that he is just bright, especially because the last two years have been very strange, and he has not had the social experiences he usually would have. However nursery staff see lots of children, and have a good nose for when something is atypical. I would also say, having been around a lot of neurodiverse children these past 5 years, that sometimes you can just see it, even though on paper everything nothing would stand out.

I don't think nurseries or schools suggest neurodiversity unless they're pretty confident there's an issue. They've had hundreds of kids through their doors.

I was really pissed off and offended when it was suggested to me. I won't pretend it didn't take me a long time to come to terms with it (I'm neurotypical) but once I did, it meant that I embraced who my son was, rather than who I wanted him to be. He's at grammar school now and is doing as well as his neurotypical sibling. He's very clever but he's also autistic.

His diagnosis has really helped him get the support he needs at school.

I remember being recommended a book on sensory processing to help with my very bright son when he he was 3. I read it and then gave it away as nothing in it applied as he was just like me.

Lol. 3 years later he was diagnosed autistic and a few years after that so was I.

Professionals don't make these suggestions lightly, and it's always worth listening as they might just be right and it might mean you get to learn more and be in a position to pre-empt some of the particular challenges autistic kids face as they get older. If he's assessed and he doesn't meet the diagnostic criteria you've lost nothing, but if he does then it could make a huge and positive difference for his future.

@Tetherless I have a little boy with asd and honestly some of the things that the pre school are worried about absolutely could be red flags for asd and at the same time they certainly might not be. I've done several parenting courses for parents with children who have been diagnosed with asd and all of the children are always so different. If you have no concerns then don't worry about it but just keep an open mind about it. Like a previous poster has said it won't have been mentioned to you just because he is shy or likes reading or whatever there will he certain social difficulties that are of concern to them. I
am going to be honest and say that I was a bit put out when it was suggested to me as well that my sons behavior wasn't typical for a three year old. Either way he sounds like a fabulous little boy and even if he is diagnosed with asd then so what. He will still be your fabulous little boy.

Sounds very much like me as a kid.

I'm now mid40s, and on the waiting list for an ASD/ADD diagnosis. I only wonder how much better my life would have been with the correct support. (It's not BAD, there were just issues where had I known what I do now, I maybe wouldn't have self-medicated or gone so far off the rails).

DH was diagnosed on the ASD spectrum age 8 and so we're well aware that DD (age 3) will probably be neuro-diverse.

I don’t think there is any harm on getting him on the assessment pathway (if that is what they are suggesting). In my area it takes around 2 years to even be seen.

So, if you get him on the waiting list now, then by the time the assessment comes you may not have any worries (the assessment won’t be accepted if the questionnaires don’t suggest ASD anyway). If you do though, then the assessment is in place.

I kept umming and ahhing when my DD was 6, and I was the only one who could see any issues (and I am an autistic/ADHD adult). I just wasn’t sure enough to pursue it.

Now, at 9, the differences she has are much more obvious and I wish I’d got her on waiting list now.

If your DS isn’t autistic (and he might not be!) then he won’t mistakenly be assessed as being so, it would be a through assessment.

Sorry but what suggests autism? He’s an early reader but he doesn’t have hyperlexia

Reading at 3 is definitely hyperlexia. I was exactly like your son and extremely advanced in reading, writing, maths and art. I sailed through school and genuinely loved it, had a lot of friends but I suffered from severe anxiety and episodes of depression for my entire adult life. Only realised in my 30s that I had ADD (wouldn't say ASD although there are many overlapping traits) and seeking treatment now. Based on my own experience, I honestly don't think it's the worst thing in the world to be ND, nor anything worth getting defensive about. This thread sounds like you were shocked about someone insinuating that a highly intelligent child could be ND. Both of these things frequently coexist, often as a result of one another. My ADD manifested as a "hyperfocus" for learning and that's why I excelled in so many areas and it was never picked up because the symptoms were not disruptive to others.

I'm having the same issue with my daughter (3) and was also extremely isolated with only adult contact during the past 2 years. I'm keeping an open mind with regards to how things develop. The thing to be mindful of is that nursery staff have contact with hundreds and hundreds of children over the years. They know exactly that in any given class, there will be the bell curve of 80% "normal" kids, plus 10% very disruptive ones at the top and 10% very quiet ones at the bottom. They can easily spot outliers and if they bring anything up with parents then it'll be with the best of intentions. They have nothing to gain by telling parents their child might not be NT, especially one who is not actively causing havoc and destruction in the class.

@RandomMess

They are just alerting you to it being a possibility as they should?

Exactly. Why are you dead set on the nursery being wrong? They may well be, but there's no harm in considering it may be the case.

I think there is so much stigma attached to the label. But where he has ASD or not, he'll be the same boy you know and love with or without the diagnosis.