how do you know when you are drinking too much?

[Cistus]

actually thats a stupid question. I know I am drinking too much, but I dont know how to stop.

I am in my mid 40's, FT job, three lovely kids, nice house etc....

I am drinking almost a bottle of wine, almost every night. I have been doing so for about 6 months. Prior to that its been up and down, I have always been a heavy-ish drinker but with a lot of dry days. there are a few dry days now but not many - perhaps one a fortnight.

I don't drink until the kids are in bed, I never miss work, I never drink and drive, But I know its too much. I dont get drunk as such although I certainly know Ive had too much the next morning.....

so how do you stop? I recently had some blood tests for something unrelated and was extremely pleased to hear that me liver function was normal.... but it wont be if I carry on like this.....

I last stopped drinking in April 08 for about 4 weeks, not at that time because I was overtly worried about my drinking ( though I was releived that I found it quite easy not to drink at all) but since then, its slowly increased....

I mean, I should not imagine that most people posting on a thread called "how do you know when you are drinking too much?" are drinking a single glass of red wine (or a half of real ale or stout, or any of the other "health-giving" uses of alcohol that appear in the press on slow news days from time to time) a day. I should imagine that they are drinking more than that, in many cases vastly more than that. Or, in my case, they used to drink vastly more than that and no longer do so because of the problems they encountered.

As such, these stories are not really applicable to them.

The stories about what alcohol does to livers, brains, minds, relationships and lives may be.

Mintyy - I think that's what I want to find out... Can I drink less than i have been doing ? Can I drink in moderation or not...

MIFLAW - your advice is very good, and your experiences are very useful.

I have seen what addiction does. I know its an illness, I also know only the addict can take control of it. I am not there yet - far from it, but I am afraid that if I do not take control of it now, I COULD be there. And if I cannot take control then I have an answer..

Mumto - I think what miflaw means is that if you have alcohol dependence the one, small, glass of red wine a day which may or may not be good for your health is an unrealistic target,... I certainly find it easier to not drink anything than to stop after 125 mls!

Yes - all or nothing here too!

Well said miflaw wisw wise words.If you are even discussing drinking in terms of temptation reward and 'only on a sunday'I think there is only one way really.Have lived through teh AA experience with dp any people who had spent years moderating but never met one who sustained it

last night, dh and I shared a small bottle of beer. After that, there wasn't any more. I felt quite drunk after really very little, and didn't feel like drinking any more after a break. It's extraordinary how sometimes, very little is quite enough.

I guess the reason I am writing this is because so much of the time, we don't take a break between the first drink and the next one. We often don't really get to feel the effects of booze until we are actually quite drunk (self included).

I have found it helpful to sometimes feel how alcohol effects me. Sometimes I want more, and sometimes I don't. Perhaps I should bow out of this thread and come back when things are bad.

Ah, you mean the link to the drink debate website MIFLAW, I posted it on there because there is a questionnaire to complete about how much you drink, sorry perhaps I should have explained it better.

Sort of - I haven't consulted the site because, as I say, such things are irrelevant to people like me - drink is bad, bad, bad for me and those around me because I seem unable to have one glass of anything, and that's not going to change - but I thought you were asking a question about it -

"apparently drink in moderation is okay ?

Or is it, there is a big drink debate going on in my region at the moment and the poster for it says is red wine good for the heart of bad for the liver - or both ??"

rather than just thinking aloud.

I was, but adding some additional information for people who want to be informed by wider source of information other than the opinion of people who frequent Mumsnet.

Hi all, sorry - have been lurking but feel compelled to chuck my twopenn'orth in ... because I did 'controlled drinking' for years, told myself I was in charge, it was a habit I could break easily etc etc. It didn't stop me going back to drinking, and didn't stop me making the mistakes I always made when drunk.

I just couldn't see that the only time I was really happy was when not drinking at all. It stopped being my friend and comfort, and although I tried kidding myself that I drank because I liked the taste, it was a relaxant etc, the fact is that once I started I didn't want to stop. Many people on this thread have referred to 'all or nothing' attitudes to drinking - well, I was like that. And because I could do 'nothing' for extended periods, I thought that was ok. But I always went back to the 'all' in the end.

I am so happy not drinking now. Life isn't boring. I wish I could get that across. But I didn't believe it was possible, either.

Fairytale my dp could have written that.I don't think I know anyone happier and something I have noriced about him is that he deals with difficult situations with real calm and grace in comparison to before.He is definitely of the 1 drink is too may and 10 is never enough type and so the only way he could have a full life was to leave it altogether.He says when we met and he saw me and my friends sometimes drink 3 glasses sometimes none and most shocking of all leave half a glass and go home he couldn't believe it!He always knew one would lead to ? and the guilt he felt the next day nearly destroyed him.He always thought he had been out of order or unpleasant in some way even when he hadn't.

Quite understand, Mumto.

I have to say, though, that whenever I took that sort of test, I sort of knew the answer (for me) in advance and so would answer it with the aim of producing a different answer ... So counting my home measures as single units, for example, or taking a "good" night as a typical one.

Doing this meant that I would come in the mid-range (you're not drinking too much yet, but you may have problems if you continue ...) rather than the top range (stop now) where I belonged. This meant all I had to do was cut down in the near future. But not today. Never today. Today I could just get right back on it. By the end of the week, it would be a matter of, "quiz? What quiz?"

I wonder if any other contributors recognise themselves in this?

miflaw you are so honest!

Now THERE'S something people didn't say to me very often when I drank ...

I recognise it, I did all sorts of things to legitimise my drinking, to make it seem normal- a lot of energy went into that actaully, was exhausting, how I hid and kept it secret to enable me to perpetuate it.
Until I couldn't stop, then I just drank.

I know lots of heavy drinkers who AREN'T alcoholics. Addiction is a weird crazy place.

I know what you mean, Jem.

Though I always wonder what sort of person would WANT to be a heavy drinker if they weren't an alcoholic? Certainly once you're past the age of 25 - drinking like that really is a young person's game ... Those hangovers start to HURT, dammit!

MIFLAW you are very honest, and you make a lot of sense - thank you.

I didn't drink last night and I don't intend to tonight. I was thinking about sitting down with my dh tonight and doing some planning (we are doing some work on the house) and I thought we will sit down with a nice bottle of wine.

Then i stopped myself and thought, why do we need wine, its just a habit.

I am not drinking tomorrow at the wedding so if I get through that, I shall be very proud of myself.

I shall post again on Sunday !

Good luck at the wedding - am sure you will be fine.

Ideas to consider:

discreetly tell the person in charge of drinks and/or the waiter that you are not drinking today - that should minimise the number of offers you get
beat them to it - try to always have a full glass (of something soft!)
stay out of rounds if there's a paying bar
tell someone else present that you're not drinking so you can turn to them for support if it gets too much
depends whose wedding it is, but you are not a prisoner there - if it all gets too much, you can go for a walk or even just leave. Unless you do so during the speeches or push past the bride coming down the aisle, few people will notice and still fewer will comment on it

I sense you're not in AA or anything similar but, if you were, I would add to that that you should take a few people's phone numbers with you and also know where the nearest meeting is, just in case.

Above all, remember that, wedding or not, this is just another day. You can do it.

Let us know on Sunday how it went.

I did it !! Almost . just half a lager shandy and that was it.

Had a nasty moment when we went home between the day time and the night time do, where dh stood his ground and argued that I did say I would drive when i insisted I wanted to get a taxi.

I am v. pleased with myself. Tomorrow will be okay and I am sure I will be okay through the week, til I get to Thursday or Friday again.

Thanks for your support MIFLAW, just having the car and having to look after the dcs was enough.

Well I shall celebrate alone then, with diet coke ......

Cistus, have you gone ??

Well done!

I start a 5 week diet today, and have pledged to give up alcohol for that period as well. I have also said it out loud, and told DH - so now I have to stick to it!

It's driven primarily by my need to lose some weight before we go away on 6 August, but a month+ off can only be a good thing.

I suspect I will need to check in here regularly to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Cistus - how are things going with you?

feeling pretty crap actually. Dry Mon/Tues/Weds last week - then unexpected visitors threw me off track Thursday; adn Fridayis Friday..... then Sat went out to some firends for a BBQ. Got steaming drunk - fell over on the way home. In front of the kids. Everyone ( apart from dh ) was very drunk so it wasnt just ,e, but i feel like total crap. everytime I do that ( and its only ecery 6 months or so) I feel worse. Just feel I lost all sense f what `i was drinking/didnt care.....

still dry yesterday, and today... so overall Im drinonging much less than I was a month ago (when there were NO dry days) just feeling less optimistic about my ability to control it

Well - pick yourself up and dust yourself down and just get back on the wagon.

You are drinking less, so that's good.

Congrats, Mumto!

Sorry not to say it earlier, had a computer-free weekend by and large ... But well done, I'm pleased for you.

Cistus - all sounds depressingly familiar.

I'm sorry to say, too, that, if you DO have a problem, in all probability it will get worse unless and until you intervene. Even if you are convinced that it couldn't possibly get any worse, chances are it will.

Pretty sure that's not what you want to hear but I wouldn't want to lie to you.

You are doing well, Cistus. It can take time to feel better from drinking. It's a bloody depressant! It's so strange, but I used to feel as though the world was closing in on me ALL the time, untill the gloom was treated, so having a hangover made absolutely no difference to my mood.

When you spend more time not drinking, you may well find you don't miss it very much. It will then become a clearer decision as to whether you want to stop drinking for longer. I guess it changes if you are driven on to have the next drink after the first. I do think that some of these problems are more psychological than physical, or at least they can be. With food, there are really not many things that are physically addictive but that bulimics and binge eaters binge on. The shame of falling over is horrible. Please take yourself in hand and forgive yourself.

Mumto - congrats....
I had a reasonable weekend - wasn't dry, but not drunk either. With family on Sat, couple of glasses and a beer and last night two beers and that was it - think this is going to be my tactic if drinking at all as I simply can't do the volume!. I am having major issues re career and what I do next so need to lay of the drink so that I can focus on what I need to do!

C - sorry to hear about your weekend - but you are drinking less so that is good. Falling over - yeap, been there, done that, forgive yourself...