Oh, look, it is the end of the thread so nobody will notice and I can start on the new thread and pretend I didn't write any of this.
I can't even name change to offload because my brain scrambles and I mess that up.
I am trying so hard to sort money out and H is researching new printers and drinks most, but not every night. And I get mad and think why should I try so hard all the time?
We are having family therapy but I have repressed so much of my feelings to keep it all together that I get pretty screwed up. I am not really allowed to get angry.
So I have 'ishooes.'
And I need to get out. To run, or cycle to deal with the negative energy that builds up inside. I used to do boxercise and wish there was somewhere around here that I cpould do it again
H is jealous and possesive and even gets huffy when I text friends, or make pressies for them and won't even discuss things I tell him about stuff I natter about in here. I just get raised eyebrows and 'hmmmm'. Coming to a meet-up is almost out of the question. Edpecially on my own. But if we both came he would be charming and likeable, and I would like an
ungrateful person.
He even asks about how much I am sweating if I am a little bit late back from a run.
He isn't all bad but it is very very hard work.
Everything is always everybody elses fault and sometimes I feel like a third child and not A 39 YEAR OLD WOMAN.
I got told off for getting DD clean pyjamas out when there were a clean pair on her bed. And I just apologised. He goes mad at the children for talking over the television and sometimes I take them out of the house for a quiet life, but if I am watching something, he does a running commentary.
He is being quite supportive now about my health problems, but has been very critical for so long and implied that I have been not eating on purpose when sometimes, I simple can't.
There has been so much shouting sometimes, that most of the time I keep my opinions to myself.
I have just suffered a bereavement and keep getting the roller coaster of emotions that that brings, but again, can't deal with them the way I like to because, it nearly floors me.
It will all be OK in time but I have had a long, long hard nearly two years, and I need a break. Not to be in pain, or feeling too sick and tired to function, or worrying about money, or trying to keep H and DS apart. (it is improving, but oh god
it has been so hard to get them the father they deserve).
I should delete this, so please please excuse me. If it wasn't the end of the thread I wouldn't dream of doing a post like this but it all hangs there, and sometimes, just sometimes, I don't feel up to being strong and juggling everything. So I am sorry Franny, but forgive me for this one.