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Original poster

support thread for people who are about to lose a loved one

383 replies

saint2shoes · 23/01/2009 11:19

my dear old dad who is 81 has a aggresive Brain tumour.
The doctor has just pretty much said there will be no treatment apart from steroids.
he has got bad really quick. in October I have a picture of him looking OKish(my sm died in early September) Then at Christmas he looks so ill.
he is in Hospital and looks so small and frail.
I know I am not alone and could do with talking with othere people who are going through stuff like this.
I know a lot as my mum died of a brain tumour when I was 18.

OP posts:
NancysGarden · 06/02/2009 19:39

I'm so sorry lilred. Your messages this morning made me cry and I couldn't write until now. But we are all going through similar experiences which is why we are here.

LilRedWG · 06/02/2009 21:47

Much love my lovely ladies. xx

2shoesformyvalentine · 06/02/2009 22:20

no the home is further away(will add anoth 30 mins each way) but is nearer his home, and he will get more visits and knows the staff,
I will probally go in twice a week and stay longer(can go in the morning) as apposed to the 3 times I have been doing.

fryalot · 06/02/2009 22:38

that sounds like a good plan. Tis good that he is going where he wants to go

2shoesformyvalentine · 06/02/2009 22:40

I am having an attack of the guilts today.
I wish I could post my thoughts

fryalot · 06/02/2009 22:49

if you want to post your thoughts, then do so. You will not be judged for anything you are feeling.

If you want to get it off your chest off the board, you can email me if you want.

[email protected]

don't bottle it up, it's not good for you

2shoesformyvalentine · 06/02/2009 22:57

thanks squonkie.
I will post( can always get it deleted)

ok

I wish it was over.
I love my dad so much.
but I can't bear the thought of him being in pain.
the nurse has told me at sometime he will be taken of the steroids(that are sort of controlling things) and then he will get pain. Now I know he will get stuff like morphine, but there will be times when he will be inbetween(they may be very short) doses or when the dose needs upping, and he will be in pain.
I just cannot bear the thought.
I know by even thinking this, I am wishing the worst..
but DH understood(fil died after a long drawn out illness)
so in my heart I know I am not doing "wrong" in thinging this, it is the love that makes me think this....
buit I know as it did with my mum, one day this will haunt me.

fryalot · 06/02/2009 23:06

Oh sweetheart!

You have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. Of course you don't want him to suffer.

It's one of the bastard things about this sort of illness, that we want it to hurry up and get it over with, because the alternative means pain and suffering

What you are feeling is completely normal.

I think that the docs etc. are less concerned about accidentally overdosing people in our dads' position and more bothered about keeping the pain at bay, so try not to dwell on what he may suffer, he may not suffer at all.

But please don't feel guilty about having these feelings, I am sure that anyone who has been through something similar will tell you that it is a most unselfish feeling to have.

xx

2shoesformyvalentine · 06/02/2009 23:09

I haven't talked to DB as we haven't seen each other face to face but I "know" he is feeling the same.
I remember going through similar feeling as a teen when my mum was dying, but as I was young I couldn't work it out in my head.

fryalot · 06/02/2009 23:13

and you;ve been carrying this around all these years?

you have nothing to feel guilty about with your mum either.

2shoesformyvalentine · 06/02/2009 23:15

Weeeeeeeeeeelllll I was a horrid teen.
years ago I off loaded to my dad and he wrote me a lovely letter(that I still have) and made me get over it.
sadly he won't be able to do it this time.

fryalot · 06/02/2009 23:25

but he won't need to, will he, because he has already done it for you.

The same will apply to him as it did to her.

He told you years ago that if this happened to him, he doesn't want you to feel guilty about wanting him to be free of this.

Your dad sounds absolutely lovely and wonderful and he has brought you up so well that you will be able to get through this.

2shoesformyvalentine · 06/02/2009 23:28

oh he is, as I am sure yours is.
(are you on fb?)

fryalot · 06/02/2009 23:44

yes. I think I have you. I will message you now if I do... hang on

fryalot · 06/02/2009 23:46

have fb'd you.

NancysGarden · 07/02/2009 10:12

Over long periods of time i canimagine it feels like being in limbo, waiting for the inevitable. Moreover if you want the suffering of your loved ones to end, this is because you care.

They couldn't do dad's stealth MRI yesterday because he was too unwell. Hopefully it will happen over the weekend (less likely) or monday.

Have come down with a nasty bug so I'm taking myself off to bed for a few hours. Wishing you all a good day xx

fryalot · 07/02/2009 10:22

Nancy - a bug - just what you need! Hope your dad gets a bit better over the weekend and the MRI goes ok. Do the hospital have staff to do it on Saturdays and Sundays?

LilRedWG · 07/02/2009 10:26

2shoes - what you are feeling is an expression of love! For my Dad's sake, I am glad that he has left his body and it is all over for him. It was mercifully quick. It's awful for the rest of us, but the best thing for him.

Dad also had an enlarged aortic aneurism that needed operating on (but obviously couldn't be). If that had burst he would have been dea within seconds. I know that I am not the only one who almost wished it would burst, for his sake.

I don't think it makes me a bad person or daughter (but do strangely still have feelings of guilt - go figure). It shows that I loved my Dad more than anything and didn't want him to suffer.

Please - do not beat yourself up. Read the letter your Dad sent you years ago and remember that he loves you. xx

NormaJeanBaker · 07/02/2009 10:37

Don't feel guilty at all - you don't want him to die - you want him not to suffer and that is love. I lost my Dad to cancer in my early 20s and my mum too a couple of years ago. Talk about how you feel all you want.

The morning of my mum's death - she had dementia too so had already stopped being mum in many ways - was unexpectedly uplifting. I had a call from carer to say she had died in the night and rushed to her house while it was still dark. DH stayed with the children at our house and my brother was driving from a long way off so I was alone. I sat with her for a while and kissed her and then walked out to the undertakers. It was a beautiful frosty morning - all sunshine and glitter - and I felt my heart lift with a leap of joy at her freedom. (Like the Siegfried Sassoon poem - 'Everyone suddenly burst out singing and I was filled with such delight as prisoned birds must find in freedom, winging wildly across the white orchards and dark green fields - on; on; and out of sight...') There were sadder days later and I am more tearful than I used to be but I am glad I had that sensation then. It wasn't a religious thing - just that for the first time in years I could walk away from her knowing she was 'safe' and not in pain and there was still such beauty in the world she had given me.

Take care of yourself and never feel guilty for feelings that spring from love.

2shoesformyvalentine · 07/02/2009 10:54

fuck it
he's gone
iff to hospital to sem my broither

fryalot · 07/02/2009 10:58

2shoes?

oh my sweetie!!!

much hugs to you and your family.

Catch up later.

Wishing you strength and comfort

xx

LilRedWG · 07/02/2009 11:12

I'm so so sorry. xx

Email me if you need to @ [email protected].

Sidge · 07/02/2009 11:50

2shoes I am so sorry.

So much sadness for you all this weekend. Thinking of you 2shoes and LilRed, and Nancy I hope your bug clears up and you can get in to see your dad soon.

springlamb · 07/02/2009 14:17

Oh 2shoes.
Wish there was something more to say.
Strength and peace to you and yours.

KerryMumbles · 07/02/2009 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.