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Original poster

support thread for people who are about to lose a loved one

383 replies

saint2shoes · 23/01/2009 11:19

my dear old dad who is 81 has a aggresive Brain tumour.
The doctor has just pretty much said there will be no treatment apart from steroids.
he has got bad really quick. in October I have a picture of him looking OKish(my sm died in early September) Then at Christmas he looks so ill.
he is in Hospital and looks so small and frail.
I know I am not alone and could do with talking with othere people who are going through stuff like this.
I know a lot as my mum died of a brain tumour when I was 18.

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 04/02/2009 16:18

How are you lovely ladies?

Dad not good today and I'm really not convinced he'll see DD's birthday in May.. In fact I don't think he'll last more than a few weeks more, but I may be overreacting.

I helped Dad sit up on the side of his bed today and he fell asleep in my arms. Heartbreaking.

Sidge · 04/02/2009 20:28

Oh LilRed I am sorry

It's just so painful. I can't believe I had to help my big strong dad eat his dinner and have a drink.

My heart goes out to you (and 2shoes and squonk and Nancy and anyone else). CAT me if you need a shoulder.

It would have been my dad's 61st birthday today.

NancysGarden · 04/02/2009 21:07

I'm so sorry LR, it's so hard esp when there are so many unknowns.

I went to visit Dad in the new specialist hospital today after work. He's so much happier it's much more peaceful there(on the ward in the other hospital there were lots of people who were "disturbed" (his words not mine). (I understand what he means. But. I almost piped up with a comment that would have lead to an argument. I decided not to.)

He seemed a lot brighter over all, although he is clearly suffering but talking about gathering an "escape committee", which made me smile.

This time he asked for simple things, instead of talking like he was just about to slip away.

NancysGarden · 04/02/2009 21:11

(everyone keeps telling me a good weep now and then is only healthy, but I completely lost it yesterday and it's taken til now to get it back together - does anyone else find it hard to let go and "feel" what you are feeling - how do you do that still hold it together?)

fryalot · 04/02/2009 21:40

oh nancy, it's so tough trying to stay on an even keel.

I daren't let myself cry about dad because I'm frightened that I won't be able to stop, so a bit of a weep now and again if I'm on my own but not a proper wail - I may frighten the children.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow - dad is at the oncologist and we'll know whether treatment is an option. \he seems to be going downhill fairly quickly so I suspect that they will say it is too aggressive to respond to treatment.

lilred- your post really touched me

nancy - tis good that your dad seems in good spirits

sidge - I'll raise a glass to your dad before the night's over

2shoes - how are you today?

LilRedWG · 04/02/2009 21:55

Sidge - I would like to raise a toast to your Dad - Happy birthday to him.

Squonk - I will think of you and your s tomorrow. x

Nancy - I don't know. I sometimes lose it and sob on DH, but other times, like today, I don't shed more than one or two tears - if any. I am just trying to let myself go with the flow. I find that I cry at pointless things (see yesterday's post) and that is cathartic as it releases the pressure a little.

2shoesformyvalentine · 04/02/2009 21:59

sidge, I know what you mean I fed my dad ice cream yesterday.
( i am saying MY Dad a lot these days, it is almost getting like a ocd tic iynwim)
NancysGarden my Dad(se there I go again) would join that committee.
He hates hospital, he said to me "I hate hospital, people die here"

the assessment went well, although he is borderline, she is going to recommend that he gets funding.He does have savings but after all the tax he has paid seems only right.and will be one less thing to worry about.
he seemed so confused today, said he wanted a shower and that DB would help the nurse as he was next door(db is 3 hrs away!!) very sad.
Hopefully he will go to the home next week, if so I think he will be "happier" and get a boost.

Lilred It is like we are the parents.

Nancy I can't cry, if I do, I am not sure if I would stop.
Squonk I do hope tommorow goes well xx

fryalot · 05/02/2009 16:08

It was good news:

He can have chemo.

They can't cure him but the chemo will mean that the cancer will possibly shrink and possibly not get any worse.

His liver is functioning fine despite the chemo, as is his oesophogus.

They have also suggested him taking part in a clinical trial for a drug that they apparently use lots in the states, that isn't yet licensed over here. The doc seems to think that this drug could prolong his life indefinitely.

So, it was better news than I dared hope for!

LilRedWG · 05/02/2009 16:28

Fantastic Squonk - I'm so pleased that your Dad can get chemo.

My sister brought Mum home for a couple of hours this afternoon. Poor Mum now has a chest infection and low haemoglobin so is being given a blood transfusion. She sounds so tired and worn down by the whole thing.

Haven't spoken to Dad yet today - whenever I've called he's been asleep. Will try this pm, he's generally brighter in the evening.

LilRedWG · 05/02/2009 16:29

Just reread that Squonk - the new drug sounds amazing!

2shoesformyvalentine · 05/02/2009 17:10

squonk brilliant news

NancysGarden · 05/02/2009 18:10

Gosh, perhaps it's the same drug my grandpa is on (don't know the name) he has lung cancer and had multiple organ failure 18 months ago, spent a month in ICU and we all said our goodbyes. Today he is still with us, the cancer has NOT progressed and although he now has a home-care package and does not leave the house I'm sure if he wanted to he could (with help).

It sounds great anyway squonk.

Dad is having the biopsy tomorrow to establish what they're going to do with him.

LO has picked up on the atmosphere and was sick in the car this morning.

Hope you get to speak to speak to your dad tonight LR.

fryalot · 05/02/2009 19:21

lilred - hope you get to speak to your dad soon, and that your mum starts to feel better and less worn out soon.

nancy - I shall be thinking of you tomorrow, as you all were me today.

Thanks, guys

Sidge · 05/02/2009 19:50

Squonk that is fab news, so positive!!

Really pleased for you.

fryalot · 05/02/2009 19:58

thanks sidge.

I was up all night, and I managed to convince myself that there would be nothing they could do.

I so need a bit of good news

LilRedWG · 05/02/2009 20:10

Thinking of you tomorrow Nancy. Dad was asleep when I called this evening. I'll call him again tomorrow. I'd normally go on a Friday whilst DD is at nursery but one of my sisters is going over so I'll catch up on some housework.

NancysGarden · 05/02/2009 21:58

Sorry you didn't get to speak to your Dad LilRed.

Have been posting on a funny thread tonight which has cheered me up no end.

Thanks everyone. Night

LilRedWG · 06/02/2009 06:39

Dad dies peacefully at 1.50 this morning. Four of his six children were with him and we all held onto him.

Love to you all. x

LilRedWG · 06/02/2009 07:19

Ladies, I am going to take myself over here because I think you all have enough to deal with without me bringing things even further down. I will still, of course, come and see you.

x

fryalot · 06/02/2009 08:12

Lilred

so sorry to see this.

I know you'll find the strength to get through the next few days/weeks/months.

If you feel more comfortable going there, then of course we understand, but please, please don't feel you must leave our thread for our sakes.

My thoughts are with you.

xx

2shoesformyvalentine · 06/02/2009 08:28

LilRedWG so sorry xx

(LilRedWG plesae don't feel uncomfatable on here, this is something I will be dealing with soon.)

Sidge · 06/02/2009 12:26

Oh LilRed sweetheart I am so very very sorry.

Please get in touch if you need a shoulder at any point.

2shoesformyvalentine · 06/02/2009 15:22

some good news on a sad day.
Dad is being moved on monday, to the care home he wants to go to.

LilRedWG · 06/02/2009 16:46

2shoes - you have given me one of the few smiles I've had today. I'm so glad that your Dad is getting his wish, as did mine. xx

fryalot · 06/02/2009 19:13

2shoes, that is good news on a day when we've had such sad news from lilred.

Is the care home near to you?