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Original poster

support thread for people who are about to lose a loved one

383 replies

saint2shoes · 23/01/2009 11:19

my dear old dad who is 81 has a aggresive Brain tumour.
The doctor has just pretty much said there will be no treatment apart from steroids.
he has got bad really quick. in October I have a picture of him looking OKish(my sm died in early September) Then at Christmas he looks so ill.
he is in Hospital and looks so small and frail.
I know I am not alone and could do with talking with othere people who are going through stuff like this.
I know a lot as my mum died of a brain tumour when I was 18.

OP posts:
2shoes · 02/02/2009 12:50

how do you stop the guilt? I haven't seen him since last wednesday..and am feeling so bad, silly as he would be the one telling me not to travel in this weather.

2shoes · 02/02/2009 12:51

squonk, oh your poor dad, I do hope he picks up.

NancysGarden · 02/02/2009 15:14

Hello everyone and thanks for making me welcome. The snow is stopping us all visit our loved ones.

I 'm so sorry 2shoes, it must be so hard to see your Dad. My pop's condition is not as advanced as it is early days so he is still fairly (I say with caution) compus mentus.

There's been a change in Dad today, they're having to do another invasive investigation because he's been getting more headaches and sickness. Mum's had to get cabs there. She's not well herself.

I wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow. All this is preventing the move to the other hospital.

One of my sibs is overseas so is getting all this news over text. It must be even harder.

Well, wishing you all an ok day (well, the rest of the day)

x

LilRedWG · 02/02/2009 16:17

My parents have both told me not to visit them, so I'm doing as I'm told (for once ).

Love to you all. x

frostyfingers · 02/02/2009 16:48

Just a small thing to add to people visiting sick loved ones in hospital. When my mum was in last year after a serious stroke I found it hard to think what to say, but then one of the nurses suggested reading out loud from the newspaper or a book which lets them know you are there and gives them something to concentrate on without having to think of conversation - my mum is a great reader and was so frustrated that she couldn't and did find it a help. I found it helpful too, as you feel you are doing something useful for them. So sorry to hear of all these sad tales, thinking of you all in these hard times.

LilRedWG · 02/02/2009 16:50

Thank you Frosty.

fryalot · 02/02/2009 16:50

thank you frostyfingers, that is good advice, I shall remember it.

How is your mum nowadays?

frostyfingers · 02/02/2009 17:00

She's ok, at home alone (my dad died years ago) and won't consider getting help in or moving to less remote spot - currently lives on side of a mountain in Wales. My sis and I take it in turns to visit, we both live miles away, but generally she manages well if we do paperwork and admin for her and take her out, and some of her friends have been fab - some not, strange how people are sometimes isn't it. All in all, a good outcome considering the inital prognosis and even when things are hard I count my blessings that she's still here.

2shoes · 02/02/2009 17:04

Thanks frosty, that is a good idea

NancysGarden · 02/02/2009 17:19

Hi frosty, it does sound like a good outcome. I'm sure your mother values her independence too. My grandpa is also terminally ill and has chosen to have care at home. This was the best option for him and he is very happy. (It does mean now that I am having to go there once a week too, and do the cleaning and shopping those are things the carers will not do. Not that I'm complaining, just exhausted, so these snow days are a blessed relief: I can spend some time with my daughter.)

Thanks for the advice. My Dad and I have had a difficult relationship since I chose to go to univeristy over 200 miles from home many moons ago, I don't think he ever really understood that.

It makes things harder at times like this because you think you are just dealing with the sadness of now and practical matters that need dealing with but it turns out there's a whole load of other unresolved stuff that comes into the equation. I know it sounds ridiculous but I felt hurt the other day when I saw my dad with my younger sib after being spoken to 1:1 about the things he needs me to do for him. We both have young children but he didn't ask after mine. I know it's selfish and stupid but I felt like a robot in the hospital.

2shoes, try not to feel bad about not being able to visit, after all you have to keep going with everything else in your life. The carousel doesn't stop just because you are having a crisis. When you've got kids it never ever stops does it?

LilRedWG · 03/02/2009 08:14

Dad's bed is hopefully arriving today.

fryalot · 03/02/2009 09:54

Nancy - yes, you're right, we have a load of unresolved teenager angst to take out on our parents, but now we can't.

I fell out with my dad the half term before Christmas, and it was only dp being sensible that stopped me from ringing him up and telling him what I thought of him (not much at the time!) I am now so glad that I listened to dp. I really couldn't have lived with myself if dad hadn't been able to share this with me, or if he thought I didn't care, because of course I do.

lilred - good luck with the bed delivery

2shoes · 03/02/2009 10:59

wish me luck I am going to brave the journey in a bit. ds is off today so he will come to keep me company(he won't come in)

fryalot · 03/02/2009 11:00

we do wish you luck, 2shoes.

Why won't he come in? Is that your choice or his?

LilRedWG · 03/02/2009 12:01

Good luck with the journey 2shoes. I'm off to see Dad and then Mum later.

2shoes · 03/02/2009 15:19

it went well, The journey was a doddle, dad was finisheing lunch, so I fed him his ice crea. we chatted. he has aske me to track down his medals through the british legion.
I then talked to the docter(he can leave as soon as a room is vacant at the home) and a laugh with the nurse about poo..........like you do.

fryalot · 03/02/2009 16:43

like you do, yes

glad it went well 2shoes. Do you need any help with tracking down medals?

LilRedWG · 03/02/2009 17:07

Glad it went well 2shoes. I think if you go via the MOD then it has who requests them, but the Legion are probably more helpful.

2shoesformyvalentine · 03/02/2009 17:11

My DB is a memeber of the british l;egion and said he would do it....somtime
so I will give them a ring and find out where I need to start

LilRedWG · 03/02/2009 17:37

Excellent.

Dad's bed and other bits arrived today, so he has the lounge set up as a mini-ward. He was feeling very drained today.

Mum also not feeling so good - her chest is tight and she's had another chest xray. The odema and malnutrition don't seem to be improving and she's been in for almost two weeks now.

I may succumb to wine this evening.

LilRedWG · 03/02/2009 18:38

Is anyone else getting stupidly pissed off over minor things?

I'm finding myself getting angry or upset of really non-important things. One example happened today - the Ward Manager commented that DD wasn't "ideally old enough to be on the ward". I know she's just doing her job but I wanted to yell at her, "Do you really think that I think this is an ideal environment for my DD? Do you think I want her to see her Granny with tubes up her nose and in her amrs? Well, DO YOU?"

I did of course refrain myself, but it upset me way out of proportion?

fryalot · 03/02/2009 20:24

oh yes, I am completely unreasonable about everything and I am getting upset about silly things - watching stuff on the telly makes me howl, the kids playing nicely makes me howl, the postman bringing a letter makes me howl...

And if someone makes me angry...

2shoesformyvalentine · 03/02/2009 21:40

I found I was bad on here a while back, I felt like everyone was having a go at me(they wern't doing anything different iynwim) and I have had a lot of rows with my brother.

2shoesformyvalentine · 04/02/2009 09:49

The people I spoke to were really helpful(not BL) and should all be quite easy.
wish me luck as I have to go to the hospital soon, he is being assesd to see if the NHS will pay for his care!!

fryalot · 04/02/2009 13:04

fingers crossed for you 2shoes.