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Original poster

support thread for people who are about to lose a loved one

383 replies

saint2shoes · 23/01/2009 11:19

my dear old dad who is 81 has a aggresive Brain tumour.
The doctor has just pretty much said there will be no treatment apart from steroids.
he has got bad really quick. in October I have a picture of him looking OKish(my sm died in early September) Then at Christmas he looks so ill.
he is in Hospital and looks so small and frail.
I know I am not alone and could do with talking with othere people who are going through stuff like this.
I know a lot as my mum died of a brain tumour when I was 18.

OP posts:

2shoes · 30/01/2009 11:55

LilRedWG it is so awful seeing them in pain and upset. wish I could give you a hug.

LilRedWG · 30/01/2009 15:49

Saw GP with Dad. Could be any number of things (drugs/radiation/dehydration) but it could be a progression of the cancer.

Spent a few hours with him, I just lay on the bed next to him whilst he dozed. He's barely drinking, let alone eating. I picked DD up from nursery and burst into tears when one of the staff asked if I was okay.

Don't want to go away tomorrow night but everyone insisting I go. I feel like such a bad person.

fryalot · 30/01/2009 16:19

lilred - are you going to be contactable? is it going to be possible for you to get back if you need to?

if so, GO! You need a break from this and you will feel totally rejuvinated when you come back.

It's so hard not being able to take any of their pain away, I am sure that he appreciated you just being with him.

2shoes · 30/01/2009 16:24

agree with squonk. go and recharge your batteries.

LilRedWG · 30/01/2009 16:44

We'll only be a couple of hours away, so yes close enough to come home. Thanks for being here guys, I really appreciate it. x

fryalot · 30/01/2009 18:04

we'll be here, lilred.

try and have a nice weekend away, let dh pamper you a bit.

2shoes · 30/01/2009 18:18

well....they had the meeting and the condensed version is that he is terminal, has months rather than weeks and will have to stay in hospital for a couple more weeks and then he will go back to the care home he was in before(he wants this) they have said that he will be able to stay there until the "end".
I will have to go in for an assessment(I think this is to asses the financial help he will get) so at least at last we have an idea of what is happening.

bless him, he knows that it is terminal, so all the talk of going home and stuff like that is where he is protecting us his children.

fryalot · 30/01/2009 18:22

LilRedWG · 30/01/2009 18:43

2shoes. I'm so sorry sweetheart. It's a devestating blow isn't it. It's good that he can go back where he wants to.

We are here when you need us.

LilRedWG · 30/01/2009 18:46

DH has come home from work and said that we don't have to go away if I don't want to. I'm now torn as I know that Mum and Dad want me to carry on as normally as possible. I think we will go though, we can get home quickly if need be, but I really don't think it'll come to that. As my sister said, Dad'll probably wake up and feel a lot better in the morning. I'll check in with her before we leave though.

Sidge · 30/01/2009 20:45

2shoes I am sorry, that is such hard news

LilRed where are you due to be going to? It's difficult, as life has to go on in some ways but the guilt at not being there 24/7 is immense. If it's not too far then go and recharge and try and relax. This is an exhausting journey so make the most of any opportunities to unwind a little.

2shoes · 30/01/2009 22:22

strangely I feel better as I now know what to expect. I am going to do him a photo for his room in his home, a collage of slides from when me and db were diddy.
LilRedWG I hope you do manage to get a break

LilRedWG · 30/01/2009 23:28

Thanks guys. Am just so exhausted, I don't know what to do. My sister got home this evening and commented to Dad that I'd been over and it took him a couple of minutes to remember that I'd been there.

2shoes · 30/01/2009 23:56

awww my dad does that and it is awfull.

NancysGarden · 31/01/2009 00:24

I have just stumbled on this thread I hadn't noticed it before.

My dad is going through something similar only we've just found out yesterday, although we've known there was something for over a week now. The developments have not sunk in properly yet.

I feel so stressed I can't sleep and feel sick all the time, but I have not allowed myself to cry yet. Am coping just fine juggling everything with added responsibilities but it's just beneath the surface.

LO just woken up so got to go.

2shoes · 31/01/2009 10:37

NancysGarden glad you found the thread, sorry to hear about your dad.

NancysGarden · 31/01/2009 11:10

Hi 2shoes, thankyou. I'm so sorry for you too, it's so hard to see our parents like this, isn't it? The hospital environment doesn't do much to make them look stronger though does it? My dad will be 60 this year. He's still young but seems to have given up.

He's being transfered to another hospital today (will be a train ride away now instead of local).

I suddenly feel the weight of tremendous responsibility on my shoulders I have been made executor of his estate and he keeps talking about the 'inevitable'.

There are others in the family now reliant on me as my mother (who has also been very ill, now recovering) cannot manage to any more.

It's so hard to keep it all in with a smile on your face, t=which is why I'm so glad to have found the thread. DP doesn't cope well when I am suffering so (not healthy I know) I have learnt to hold it all in.

2shoes · 01/02/2009 17:16

I am lucky db is doing all the serious paperwork stuff(with dads best mate) so I don't have that pressure.
I do hope this snow doesn't get worse, I so want to go and see him tommorow.

2shoes · 01/02/2009 18:19

feeling sad, just spoke to bruv, who has been doing the visiting over the weekend. he says dad is just sleeping now, he sleeps wakes up, talks then sleeps
we are hoping that wneh he moves to the home, he might get a boost, but that could be wishful thinking.
I am going try to see the doctor this week, we can't understand why they are keeping him another 2 weeks, yet they arn't treating him. the doctor told bruv it was months rather than weeks, so all a bit confusing.

LilRedWG · 01/02/2009 18:28

Hi. Nancy - I'm sorry that you are going through this, but welcome to the thread.

Well, Dad was a bit brighter yesterday so we did go away and I am so glad - it has done DH and I the world of good - we both feel ready to face another week.

Dad is bright again today and up out of bed. The district nurses are arranging a hospital bed for him to have downstairs so that he doesn't have to tackle the stair, so that will be an enormous relief.

I'll pop in to see Dad tomorrow with DD and then visit Mum tomorrow night - her nails need cutting.

I hope you are all okay this evening.

LilRedWG · 01/02/2009 18:29

2shioes - fingers crossed for the weather tomorrow. x

2shoes · 01/02/2009 21:46

it is very white outside

LilRedWG · 02/02/2009 08:41

I'm sorry.

2shoes · 02/02/2009 08:44

wow, even db told me not to go!!!! will ring hospital later so dad doesn't worry about me, I know he would be the first to say don't travel.

fryalot · 02/02/2009 09:08

hi guys.

nancy - glad you found us. Feel free to offload here as much as you can, it is so tough trying to keep everything together, we all need a place where we can wail and rant and grieve.

lilred - so glad you made it away, you will have so much extra energy to deal with things now, even if you don't really notice, you sure would have noticed if you hadn't had a break.

2shoes - so sorry about the snow! what a bloody bugger! It must be heartbreaking to hear that your dad struggled to remember your visit, but try to concentrate on the fact that it was your dad's illness that made that happen, not your lovely dad himself, he wouldn't forget anything about you.

Well, my dad has lost his appetite completely and has been in a lot of pain over the last few days. Step-mum says that she is really getting quite worried, she wants him to look healthy for the oncologist visit later this week, she is panicking that he will take one look at dad and think that even if chemo is an option, he won't be strong enough and refuse the treatment. So she's trying desperately to stuff cup-a-soups and complan down his neck so he can at least pretend to be ok.

Have suggested again the concept of a mac nurse but they both seem very against the idea. I don't think there's much more I can do on that subject tbh.

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