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Original poster

husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

576 replies

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 19:52

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

OP posts:
MumblingsOnMumsN · 01/06/2025 21:22

When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it.

Was he serious?

You see there are some folks with a dry sense of humour who would say that and it would be meant as a joke.

Like 'Bugger, it's gonna be me, not you!'

I can't believe he meant it because all the people I know who said that would be joking.

poetryandwine · 01/06/2025 21:22

Donotgogentle · 01/06/2025 21:12

Sorry responses are making you feel bad and anxious. Posters are trying to be supportive.

What you’ve described is genuinely shocking but maybe you’ve become so used to it you haven’t realised quite how unacceptable it is.

Sorry op.

Show quote history

I am also sorry our responses are making you feel bad, and also worried that you may not appreciate how awfully he is treating you, OP.

Or appreciate that you deserve better.

It is only sinking in now for me, because you minimised it, how vile it is that he has threatened to tell your DC that he has cancer when the odds are (especially given his known diverticulitis and lack of symptoms, but also given the overall statistic for FIT recalls) that he does not. Abusing your spouse because - if we are being charitable - you cannot contain your anxiety is one thing. But badly scaring your children unnecessarily is another, and really quite shocking. Anyone who would threaten to do this needs help.

MelliC · 01/06/2025 21:23

Honestly.
You didn't do anything wrong.
We all just think you deserve someone better.
Ask yourself: if you had had cancer, what would he have done? Stuck by you through thick and thin. Driven you to appointments? Run the house while you can't? Put up with months of doing nothing fun, while you got better? Wiped away your tears and told you everything is going to be OK?
He couldn't even face you getting an appointment a week earlier than he did.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 01/06/2025 21:24

He's writing you a list and expecting you to do stuff to help him prep but he couldn't be fucked to take you to your appointment or even show the slightest bit of compassion? Nope, sorry, tell him to jog on.

Original poster
eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 21:24

Hi, no I’ve not posted before.

OP posts:
MyRootinTootinBaby · 01/06/2025 21:25

You’ve done nothing wrong by typing out what he’s said, it’s not a betrayal. If he looks bad, it’s because hrs said these things and not that you’ve repeated it anonymously. You deserve better.

IOSTT · 01/06/2025 21:26

💐💐💐

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 01/06/2025 21:28

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 20:27

Wow! I posted my post and then went and ran a tub and when I checked back I was overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all for the kind words and support as well as your honest reactions which validated mine. He really hurt me.
in answer to some questions he has always been self absorbed. Baby of the family and all that. He is your typical guy when he has a man cold. He is always so much sicker than everyone else. I’m a nurse and during covid I worked on a covid unit. He made me move to the basement so I wouldn’t get him sick. That is just him.when the kids were small one got sick and ended up in hospital he yelled at me and told me I should have caught it sooner and was a horrible mother etc. I think it is how medical anxiety affects him. This is by far the most nuts he has been but he has never been faced with the C word before
in other aspects of our life he is a good guy, funny, supportive of my career, but anything about his health and watch out.
I did ask him today about getting some counselling and that what he said really hurt me. He didn’t seem to care but I do know that he will go back and reflect. He may not apologize but he will reflect
I really worry if this is cancer how I’m going to care for him. He is going to be so angry and it will be all my fault. I told him that as well and said we need counselling. We will see

Leave him anyway. He is a total cock.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/06/2025 21:28

Health anxiety is one thing, his behaviour is quite another. He sounds like a fucking psychopath. Wishing cancer on your as that will mean that he won't have it. Shouting at you for 'stealing' his appointment.

I agree with other posters who have said that he sounds like a narcissist. I couldn't bear to be in the same house as him after that outburst and the fact that he is expecting you to wait on him hand and foot to get him ready for his test after what he has said shows that he doesn't actually see you as a person in your own right with feelings. You are just there to serve him. He makes me feel quite sick.

Om83 · 01/06/2025 21:28

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. This is extreme behaviour and no excuse for it. He has absolutely no ability for empathy!! Did he not even consider you might be anxious also?!

crazy.

the question is if his scope does come back positive then you will support his narcissistic sociopathic arse through his treatment now he has shown his true colours and wishing cancer on you?

I would probably be childish and give him the same amount of support in the lead up to his scope as he gave you… I would also try to get an apology out of him before his appointment as I know it would be hard to leave if it comes back positive and I would find it hard to continue without resentment.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 01/06/2025 21:28

blahblonk · 01/06/2025 20:04

Gosh. That sounds extreme. Is he normally like this or is he having an abnormal reaction to being very scared? If the second - can you encourage him to seek support from the relevant cancer helpline (Macmillan or Beating Bowel Cancer here, but you’re overseas)? Maybe enlisting someone else to talk his fears down would be helpful. There should also be a nurse specialist at the service you may be able to draw on. Especially if he is considering telling the kids! But appreciate he doesn’t sound incredibly rational.

This. But also I am gobsmacked at how your dh has bullied you, tried to manipulate you and made this all about him. If this is out of character then have a chat with him, but even so, he has still behaves terribly.

Actually no. On reflection I am furious for you. You both had positive results. Why is he more important? Who does he think he is trying to take your appointment?

Op. You deserve so much better than someone who shows you no kindness when you are both experiencing the same thing. This is a time when you should have pulled together

JoyfulLife · 01/06/2025 21:30

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 21:03

Thanks everyone, I am going to be honest I should not have said anything and should not have posted. I was just feeling lonely and sad. As I read your responses which I know are meant to be supportive and kind I am feeling very anxious and a bit sick.
I am going to try and figure out how to delete this post. This isn't rage bait I promise. It is just someone who needed to be anonymous and just write down what I was feeling.

OP I am so sorry it must be really hard. Sometimes people react to some threats or perceived threats in extreme ways. Something must have happened that he internalised as a major threat possibly even before he can remember and any resemblance makes his nervous system go into extreme survival mode and having such reactions. Having said that whilst empathy and compassion are needed he also in adult with agency. Instead of lashing out like that or saying such hurtful things he has the option of talking to a therapist and learn to regulate his nervous system when health scares appear. Perhaps a firm conversation is needed something like "I can see you are overwhelmed by a lot of fear and you react badly to it and I am sorry it is so hard for you to deal with health problems. However you have to understand that your reactions are very hurtful to the people around you and that has to change. You can work through this with a therapist and I will support you through it but you have to do something about it as this is not something that can be tolerated" Obviously in your own words. And I strongly recomend a somatic trauma therapisr not counselling for this. It is complicated but can be healed with patience and commitment. I wish you all the best and if you want me to point you to more resources I will be happy to please pm me. sending love x

HopingForTheBest25 · 01/06/2025 21:30

If it did turn out that he had cancer, you are under no obligation to stay with him and look after him. He's very clearly told you that he comes first, that he doesn't care about you at all, so long as he's alright! He tried to steal your appointment, has actively wished cancer on you and blames you for things which are absolutely not your fault.
I don't know what else he could say or do to make you see that he'd throw you under the bus in a heartbeat to save himself!
Why is his fear more worthy than yours? You are not less important. Honestly lovely, ditch this selfish mean fucker, whether he has cancer or not!

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 01/06/2025 21:33

Just when you think you've read it all on here, something like this pops up.

My ex could be a bit like this OP. He used to smoke heavily, cigars mostly and I knew he would get cancer and he was already as selfish as they came. I left him for a host of reasons but the thought of nursing him through anything at all made me panic as he wouldn't have given me the steam off his piss.

I left him in 2002. He died in 2022. How he lived another ten years, I have no clue. He had no-one to care for him either which is no surprise.

FancyLilacHare · 01/06/2025 21:33

He's very obviously an abusive bastard.

EscapeToSuffolk · 01/06/2025 21:34

This is why screening is so ridiculous. Blood in poo isn't something to panic about.

ttcat37 · 01/06/2025 21:35

He doesn’t deserve your loyalty OP. He hoped you had cancer instead of him. Let that sink in.

Silvers11 · 01/06/2025 21:35

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 21:20

Hi,
I didn’t mean to imply anyone was not supportive. I feel very supported and I know how this must sound. I just feel a bit like I betrayed my husband by posting this. That probably speaks more about me

You absolutely haven't betrayed him @eastcoastgirlie . He said something which really hurt you and you needed some support and this is an anonymous forum, where no-one knows you /your husband. That is not a betrayal at all. You are allowed to feel the way you do (and I can't imagine anyone in the same situation NOT feeling the way you do, at being told that, in effect, you are not important in this relationship, compared to him).

ForestFox44 · 01/06/2025 21:35

Sorry but he's a cunt. Absolutely bloody awful and selfish... no excuse at all. You should not be feeling guilty for posting. Sorry that this has given the harsh reality that he is an asshole! It's probably hard to hear but you deserve better...

thepariscrimefiles · 01/06/2025 21:35

CopperWhite · 01/06/2025 21:15

You’re getting a standard MN ma hating reaction OP, it will be forgotten about soon. Try not to let it upset you..

Your husbands health anxiety sounds extreme and it is making him be horrible. There might be a reason for it but it’s not ok and he needs to learn to manage it. You are right about counselling. I’d also tell him to tell his GP that he is experiencing a higher level of anxiety over this than is normal.

I presume you meant to type man hating? It's not unreasonable to hate a hateful man who wishes that his wife had cancer as that means that he won't have it. A man who wants his children lose their mother as that means that he will be OK.

Not many people could get past that.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 01/06/2025 21:36

I'm sorry you are having a tough time OP. Both getting positive fit tests by itself must be distressing. The comments from your partner take the stress and anxiety to another level.

I hope you can get some real life support at this difficult time.

JohnTheRevelator · 01/06/2025 21:36

Sorry OP but I just couldn't get past the 'I was hoping it was you' remark. He sounds utterly selfish and unpleasant.

GoldPoster · 01/06/2025 21:37

I would despise him for this behaviour, what a coward. He doesn’t seem to have any care for you. Incredible. For context I have a brain tumour, my husband had a prostrate scare. We both are concerned for each other.

justasking111 · 01/06/2025 21:38

We're here if you need us @eastcoastgirlie you're not disloyal just hurt.

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