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Original poster

husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

576 replies

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 19:52

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

OP posts:
Donotgogentle · 01/06/2025 20:19

Movinghouseatlast · 01/06/2025 20:13

Unless he has a mental illness then I think his behaviour and what he has said is absolutely inexcusable.

Is he usually like this toards you?

Still inexcusable frankly even if he does have mental illness.

Dingalingalong · 01/06/2025 20:20

gamerchick · 01/06/2025 20:00

He wished it was you and not him?

Fucking hell OP. Well you know now, if things did happen he would not be there for you. I don't think I could get past that, scared or not.

I'd be telling him he's a selfish fucker and take the kids somewhere else for the week.

I agree!

Cancer or not, he's a cunt!

RosieLeaLovesTea · 01/06/2025 20:24

Wow OP! How have you made it this far with this man?
his fear does not excuse his behaviour.

poetryandwine · 01/06/2025 20:25

How does this fit (sorry) with his usual behaviour towards you, OP? Is he usually supremely self centred or is this fear talking?

In your shoes I don’t think I could ever look at him the same again, but whether the relationship could be repaired would depend on the answer to that question.

BTW, I believe diverticulitis may cause false positive results on the FIT test, but I am not a medical doctor

Tenducks · 01/06/2025 20:27

You are under reacting. If this is real he is literally telling you that you don’t matter apart from how you can serve him. He is packing like he hates you. I hope he gets the all clear so he can’t be the world’s biggest victim when you explode at him (and hopefully leave).
He doesn’t even like you OP.

Original poster
eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 20:27

Wow! I posted my post and then went and ran a tub and when I checked back I was overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all for the kind words and support as well as your honest reactions which validated mine. He really hurt me.
in answer to some questions he has always been self absorbed. Baby of the family and all that. He is your typical guy when he has a man cold. He is always so much sicker than everyone else. I’m a nurse and during covid I worked on a covid unit. He made me move to the basement so I wouldn’t get him sick. That is just him.when the kids were small one got sick and ended up in hospital he yelled at me and told me I should have caught it sooner and was a horrible mother etc. I think it is how medical anxiety affects him. This is by far the most nuts he has been but he has never been faced with the C word before
in other aspects of our life he is a good guy, funny, supportive of my career, but anything about his health and watch out.
I did ask him today about getting some counselling and that what he said really hurt me. He didn’t seem to care but I do know that he will go back and reflect. He may not apologize but he will reflect
I really worry if this is cancer how I’m going to care for him. He is going to be so angry and it will be all my fault. I told him that as well and said we need counselling. We will see

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 01/06/2025 20:28

When his scope comes back negative tell him to pack his bags. And live your best life henceforth.

poetryandwine · 01/06/2025 20:28

PS If the relationship can in fact be repaired, regardless of his (physical) health status, he will need to come to his senses and ask your forgiveness. The burden is his, not yours

RawBloomers · 01/06/2025 20:29

He's been really hurtful, OP. I can see why you're reeling.

Is this unusual for him? His behaviour sounds like fairly extreme health anxiety, that doesn't excuse it but it may give it context. If he is like this in other ways too, it's just an excuse for his natural character to shine, but if he's otherwise loving and considerate then it may be forgivable (it may not, that's up to you).

I think you're wise to focus on protecting your kids from it while you can, but you also need to think about how prepared you are to accept this. Even if unusual and down to health anxiety, you're both getting older, both more likely to get ailments. Can you put up with it if he doesn't seek treatment?

AgnesX · 01/06/2025 20:31

I hope that you're going to let him sort his own prep out and take himself to the hospital for his appointment on his own.

After the results come back then decide what you're going to do. I think you need to have a good hard think as his behaviour is appalling.

poetryandwine · 01/06/2025 20:31

Re your update, OP: the idea that if this is cancer it will be your fault is repugnant.

If he can’t genuinely shift that with or without counselling why would you stay?

Picklepower · 01/06/2025 20:32

Well I wouldn't be very scared for my husband if this is how he was behaving tbh

ttcat37 · 01/06/2025 20:34

Sorry, I’m not sure if I’ve understood correctly, is he suggesting that between the two of you he’s convinced that one of you will have cancer, and he is upset that you don’t have it? And convinced himself that he will have it?
This would be unforgivable for me. I’d be devastated at the thought of my DH being seriously ill. I’d wish it was me not him. I’m not sure how you can consider continuing with the relationship?

Nowimhereandimlost · 01/06/2025 20:35

What he said to you is not ok. At all. Even when you acknowledge that this is an anxious time for him, that is not an ok thing to say toal anyone, let alone your life partner.

I'm sorry.

nebulae · 01/06/2025 20:35

Well it's not often I'm left speechless after reading something on here but...

mathanxiety · 01/06/2025 20:35

Do not do a single thing on his list.

Let him fend for himself, and don't drive him to his appointment either.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that if you had ended up being diagnosed with cancer he'd be one of the many men who would leave a partner in those circumstances. He'd first of all make your life miserable though, and find he was dealing with umpteen ailments worse than yours.

You've seen the real personality there, @eastcoastgirlie
Can you ever unsee it?

SummertimeFeelingFine · 01/06/2025 20:36

Ugh I'm sorry but he's an actual twat.

ThatLilacTiger · 01/06/2025 20:36

What the fuck did I just read.

IsThisLifeNow · 01/06/2025 20:39

I don't know if I could move past this tbh. Either way if he has cancer or not I would be asking for councilling with him

generalday · 01/06/2025 20:40

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Shocking behaviour and unforgivable - the stress of waiting for results and tests might excuse one self centred moment or thoughtless comment but not what you describe, never.
Re-read your post. He hoped of the two of you that YOU had cancer rather than him, should it be either of you. I am sorry for you Flowers That would be the end for me.

SummertimeFeelingFine · 01/06/2025 20:41

Absolutely do NOT do anything for him. Those days should be over.

What an appalling man.

2024onwardsandup · 01/06/2025 20:42

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 20:27

Wow! I posted my post and then went and ran a tub and when I checked back I was overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all for the kind words and support as well as your honest reactions which validated mine. He really hurt me.
in answer to some questions he has always been self absorbed. Baby of the family and all that. He is your typical guy when he has a man cold. He is always so much sicker than everyone else. I’m a nurse and during covid I worked on a covid unit. He made me move to the basement so I wouldn’t get him sick. That is just him.when the kids were small one got sick and ended up in hospital he yelled at me and told me I should have caught it sooner and was a horrible mother etc. I think it is how medical anxiety affects him. This is by far the most nuts he has been but he has never been faced with the C word before
in other aspects of our life he is a good guy, funny, supportive of my career, but anything about his health and watch out.
I did ask him today about getting some counselling and that what he said really hurt me. He didn’t seem to care but I do know that he will go back and reflect. He may not apologize but he will reflect
I really worry if this is cancer how I’m going to care for him. He is going to be so angry and it will be all my fault. I told him that as well and said we need counselling. We will see

Don’t care for him

He most definitely would not care for you

get some back bone OP

AnonWho23 · 01/06/2025 20:43

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 20:27

Wow! I posted my post and then went and ran a tub and when I checked back I was overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all for the kind words and support as well as your honest reactions which validated mine. He really hurt me.
in answer to some questions he has always been self absorbed. Baby of the family and all that. He is your typical guy when he has a man cold. He is always so much sicker than everyone else. I’m a nurse and during covid I worked on a covid unit. He made me move to the basement so I wouldn’t get him sick. That is just him.when the kids were small one got sick and ended up in hospital he yelled at me and told me I should have caught it sooner and was a horrible mother etc. I think it is how medical anxiety affects him. This is by far the most nuts he has been but he has never been faced with the C word before
in other aspects of our life he is a good guy, funny, supportive of my career, but anything about his health and watch out.
I did ask him today about getting some counselling and that what he said really hurt me. He didn’t seem to care but I do know that he will go back and reflect. He may not apologize but he will reflect
I really worry if this is cancer how I’m going to care for him. He is going to be so angry and it will be all my fault. I told him that as well and said we need counselling. We will see

I'd give him the same amount of care I imagine he'd give you..... fuck all. He's nasty. You can't rely on him when you need to. The going gets tough and he gets going or says unthinkable things. Do you really want to live like this? I'd divorce his arse and let him blame you for that instead.

itsgettingweird · 01/06/2025 20:44

I think this actually needs to be an ultimatum.

He gets therapy for his health anxiety or you leave.

He’s behaving so irrationally it’s obviously bourne from fear - but that isn’t your burden to take.

When both my parents had cancer at the same time and my dad went into remission and my mum terminal he felt guilty he was ok and she was dying. If he’d shown even an ounce of being glad it was her and not him I’d never have spoken to him again.

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 01/06/2025 20:46

I’m sorry but he is not self absorbed because he is the youngest child - my three year old is an only child and shows more empathy than your husband. He is a narcissist, he only cares about himself and how things impact him.

I wouldn’t wait to go to couples therapy, I would actually go to a therapist yourself, you need to love yourself more and not placate this horrible man. Trying to give him your appointment and now running errands for him and worrying about him after he wished you had cancer is just going far beyond anything you should do. You need to leave him and get some help from a therapist to learn that it is okay to protect yourself, love yourself and look after yourself. You are not subservient to this man and you are not his servant. Let him get a taxi to his appointment and maybe book yourself a mini break for your own mental health!