husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

Yeah, he would be alone and panicking in the hotel room he would be staying in because he was not allowed around me if he behaved like that in my house! Anxiety is one thing - but this is beyond the pale. Wishing it was someone else, demanding your appointment....... there are no words to sum up how selfish he is being.

I imagine you’re having such a strong reaction to the responses to your post because you’ve been minimising his behaviour for so long and now you’ve shared what he is really like you’re faced with the very confronting reality of your relationship. I hope posting has at least caused you to reflect on how disgusting the relationship is and to become determined to ensure you are treated better in the future.

What a complete and utter arse.

(pun intended).

Glad your test fine.

Have you posted before @eastcoastgirlie ? The bit about him making you live in the basement during covid is familiar, and I feel like you've posted about how awful he is before. I'm sorry you're still stuck with him.

It will be very difficult to read all these posts, I'm sure.

@eastcoastgirlie I wish you well.💐💐

What the fuck have I just read? What a selfish asshole.

Acting like a petulant child! No sense of responsibility or empathy, what a pathetic excuse of a human.

OP, of course you can ask MN to delete your thread. But that won’t change that facts here. Your H is behaving appallingly to you, has done so many times and is continuing to do so. This is not normal. Caring partners don’t wish cancer on their ‘loved’ ones or blame them when a child gets sick.

I worry that you have normalised what is most definitely not normal.

Please, don’t ignore what everyone here is telling you. I know it must be hard to hear, but you and your children deserve better.

Sorry responses are making you feel bad and anxious. Posters are trying to be supportive.

What you’ve described is genuinely shocking but maybe you’ve become so used to it you haven’t realised quite how unacceptable it is.

Sorry op.

When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me.

OP, you skipped over this bit without even pausing to reflect how awful this is. He is hoping you have cancer. I would divorce him for this alone, but the rest of his behaviour is despicable too.

Why would you want to delete the thread? @MNHQ don't just delete threads because people change their minds about posting. MN own the content. There's nothing 'outing' on and the thread you might need to re-read it at a later date for validation that your husband is bloody awful - selfish and downright nasty.

Anyone who wishes cancer on others is vile. But to wish it on your spouse is a whole new level of evil.

You’re getting a standard MN ma hating reaction OP, it will be forgotten about soon. Try not to let it upset you..

Your husbands health anxiety sounds extreme and it is making him be horrible. There might be a reason for it but it’s not ok and he needs to learn to manage it. You are right about counselling. I’d also tell him to tell his GP that he is experiencing a higher level of anxiety over this than is normal.

How devastating to realise you’ve committed your life to someone who doesn’t value you at all. I’m sorry OP. How do you come back from this? I couldn’t. How could he even speak those words aloud let alone think them.

If you report your post the bosses might delete it for you OP. Good luck, it sounds as if you'll need it. I'm sorry man.

You must find it so shocking to realise that he's actually been treating you very badly for a long time. I'm sorry but he is a dickhead. My ex-husband has bad health anxiety and it has never resulted in anything like this behaviour - I appreciate fear is different for everybody and everybody responds differently to it but there's no excuse for the things he is saying to you, he is consistently being abusive.

You deserve better, you need to look at his words and actions and really think about who he is.

i want to swear at him and convince you he’s an arsehole, but only you can get there. Please really consider what he says and does and ask yourself if you deserve better.

Sorry you are regretting posting.

The reality is you are both 54. You are getting older. you will have to deal with adverse test results at some point.

If this is his mode of dealing with health anxiety - demanding he gets all the appointments/all the attention, blaming you, being mean to you, saying stuff you hope he doesn't mean to you (what if he does mean it?) - well then this is what you will have to deal with A LOT as the years go by.

If I were you I'd let the appointment and the grad month go by and then sit him down and tell him he gets counselling for this or there will be a serious re-thinking of getting old together. Otherwise your late 60s/70s/80s with this man will be a horror show.

He's a histrionic wanker who needs to do his own prep in some grotty bedsit, not wishing cancer on you - and if he does have it (highly unlikely, the vast majority don't even with an pre existing condition), inevitably saying it's your fault for not getting it instead/getting an earlier appointment.

I wouldn't be certain if he tells you once it's done that it was bad news that he'd be telling the truth, either. But if he's fucked off to a bedsit because you can't be expected to take his bollocks any more, you won't have to be subjected to it.

This. He only cares about himself and I’d be leaving him to it if it was me.

OP please don’t leave. Please stay and keep posting your thoughts. You need support and we’re happy to offer it to you, even if it is a little hard to hear.

I don’t want to echo what everyone else is saying, even though I thoroughly agree with it, but Has your husband ever had therapy for his medical anxiety?

Aw I can understand why you feel that way but really @eastcoastgirlie people's responses aren’t the issue. Their words are just triggering something in you that you’ve tried to ignore. The realisation that your husband is a deeply unpleasant man who doesn’t love you the way he should.

It was your husband who opened his mouth and stated he was hoping you had cancer. It was your husband who has been entirely unsupportive to the point of clearly envying you. Faceless posters on MN aren’t the problem here and I think deep down you know that.

I suggest leaving the thread up but stepping away. When you’re ready in the future to accept your husband isn’t what you’ve told yourself he is, perhaps all the advice will land better.

Hi,
I didn’t mean to imply anyone was not supportive. I feel very supported and I know how this must sound. I just feel a bit like I betrayed my husband by posting this. That probably speaks more about me

Your husbands health anxiety sounds extreme and it is making him be horrible.

No, no, and a resounding no again.

I treat health anxiety. People may worry, be snappy, and ask for constant reassurance. But demanding someones appointment, wishing they had cancer, wanting to tell the kids he has cancer before a diagnosis. That is NOT normal to health anxiety.

Edited because I messed up the bold bit.

This! OMG, he's so awful. I hope you reflect and get out before you're stuck nursing an angry, selfish man. He's shocking.

No, she's getting a standard MN hating of people who wish others have cancer.

HTH.

A positive fit test can literally be something as small as a few piles. He is being ridiculous and unbelievably selfish.