husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

Great, you csn leave him guilt free now. He wished you had cancer. You both needed screenings for cancer and he wanted to take your appointment. If you both had cancer, he wanted to delay your treatment to protect himself. He would literally use you to protect himself. How do you think old age with him will look?

Get rid please. Please for the love of God don't let yourself grow old with this man that wouldn't care if you had cancer. He doesn't care about you at all. You exist to look after him.

I'm glad that he got the all clear, and so sorry he put you and your daughter through so much.

This is not the person I'd want to be spending my twilight years with, with the increased likelihood of health problems it brings.

You deserve a fresh start OP. I hope that you take the tme to consider your options now that you've had a glimpse of what the rest of your life could be like.

You get one life, you deserve yours to be free from this absolute dick head. And don’t be guilt tripped by your daughter either, yes she can love him, you can still care for him if you want to, but if you’ve any sense it will be from afar and as an ex. His behaviour is repulsive.

I’m glad for your sake the test was clear and I hope this episode and the supportive comments on this thread have given you the insight and courage to walk away now. Because this will happen again and again as you get older and he’s showing and telling you that if you get ill he won’t care for you and he’ll make it all about him. Your DD will come to understand in time. Good luck.

Like what others have said, glad he (and you) are in the clear but you definitely need to chat with him and tell him it's not ok to treat you like he has done.

Very glad to hear you have both been given the all clear but please do take this opportunity to run for the hills! He has very, very clearly shown you what your future with him will look like and it's not one I would wish on my worst enemy.

This is obviously a man that doesn't 'do' shame, or empathy or just normal decent behaviour.

This will probably be the first of many other health scares for him (both real and imaginary) which will be further opportunities for him to bully, humiliate and degrade his wife whilst expecting her to wait on him hand and foot and to nurse him with love and compassion.

Also, as OP ages, she may have genuine health emergencies herself and he will do his best to belittle and downplay them and make himself the victim. Love and compassion will be glaringly absent from his response to OP's future health problems and emergencies.

Having a chat won't make any difference at all with a man like this.

@eastcoastgirlie I really hope you find the strength to say enough is enough. For yourself, most importantly, but also for your daughter.

Life is so short.

That's good news. Now that he knows that you having an earlier appointment and a negative result has not been detrimental to him in any way, i.e. it did not increase his risk of a cancer diagnosis, has he apologised or even just acknowledged that he was being unreasonable and unkind?

OP I'm really pleased for you that your H's test is negative (as unlike him I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone) . You must be very relieved.
I know you have got annoyed at some of the remarks on here and I can understand why, but please see this fandango as a learning opportunity.
Think about how your older years are going to pan out if you stay with your H. No one deserves to be treated the way he has treated you. Now the health scare is over I think you need to have a frank conversation about his behaviour and how it made you feel. Unless he is prepared to apologise profusely to both you and your DD and eat some serious humble pie and promise to do much better going forward how can you ever have any respect for him again?
I hope your trip with your daughter gives you both a welcome break and a bit of time to reflect and decide if you really don't deserve better than to be shackled to a person who wishes cancer on you. Best wishes for the future x

P. S my own DH says that if we had been in this position he would have been hoping that if either of us was going to have cancer that it would be him 🥹

So glad he got the all clear. Now you can walk away with a 'clear' conscience.
Enjoy your holiday, come home to a solicitors appointment, put your ducks in a row and divorce him. Don't worry about pension divisions etc.. let all that go.. get the best deal you can and then get on with the rest of your life.
Freedom is a wondrous thing.x

I sincerely hope you're now making arrangements to leave him and enjoy the years you have left.

@eastcoastgirlie how are you doing?

OP remember always that he wished cancer on you, ruined you daughter’s graduation dinner, and denied you access to the bathroom when you needed it most. Remember he is abusive. I hope one day you will find the strength to leave him. Please don’t live your life like this.

How are you doing, OP?

Hoping you’re ok, Op 💐

Hey OP, would be great to hear an update. Even if all is forgiven and you’re moving on with things. Don’t feel you can’t update for fear of judgement from mumsnet!

I hope that he has realised how awful his behaviour was. Hope you’re ok.

LEave him before he genuinely has something wrong with him and your life becomes a permanent nightmare.

This a thousand times. He’s the lowest of the low, but he despises you.

Oh OP
I’m so sorry about his behaviour
I’m glad he’s got the all clear, but I would now seriously consider leaving him

Consider if you did find something in your test, how would he behave? Regardless of his health?

I’ve had a similar FIT result and been put on an urgent pathway. I expect it to be fine, mostly, although am expecting to receive a serious although hopefully not life limiting diagnosis now. However my OH doesn’t not know how to respond if I am ill. I’ve known this for some time.

His behaviour was awful.
So I left, and don’t regret it for one minute.

I won’t be treated like that by anyone

I did give him an ultimatum, told him I loved him dearly, didn’t want to do this, but he had to work on himself and work out if he wanted to learn how to support me.

I’m pleased to say he did decide to, and has taken steps. And is improving. There is still some way to go, his response to my needing to be taken to hospital urgently was to dither and ask me what he should do whilst I was incoherent with pain. This has happened before and won’t happen again, I simply won’t allow it. He’s had several chances. This was his last, and he knows it .

@eastcoastgirlie There are people out there that are so self-centered, so narcissistic, do devoid of empathy, that they are incapable of being decent. Many are able to pretend to care for many years, but their true colors come out, sooner or later.

You have now seen your NVDH for what he is and it isn't a pretty site. He only cared about himself and gave absolutely zero fucks about you. If, in the future, you get ill, he will walk away because it won't be all about him or he'd have to be "number two", and that will never do.

Please get your freedom and your life back. You deserve so much better!

@eastcoastgirlie has worked out the pros and cons I'm sure.

I know you've had a a lot of responses on here imploring you to leave him, which I wholeheartedly agree with, but something else to consider is having a frank discussion with your daughter about why exactly she idolises her dad. This man needlessly worried her and ruined her graduation because he decided he had cancer when he did not. Why does she hold him in such high regard when he wished cancer on her mother? The issue here is that, if she doesn't realise his behaviour is abusive, she could well end up in an abusive relationship herself. This is proven to occur and unfortunately I have personally experienced this myself. I really recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?' and also look up the Freedom Programme. I found both invaluable when I was in your situation. Good luck. I really hope you can start afresh. It's hard at first but I promise you won't regret it.

Oh OP, I feel for you, I really do. You deserve so much better, you sound like a lovely person. Please give yourself the chance to live the rest of your life with someone who would be delighted to hear you don’t have cancer xxx

@eastcoastgirlie how are things now, OP?