husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

You mean you’re not going to leave him and everyone telling you to is stressing you out. And now you’re going to stick your head in the sand and continue with your abusive relationship. And that’s ok - lots of us have been there. Just know you can come back and post and talk again at any time. It’s not a one time opportunity.

WTF have I just read?

This is appalling but, frankly, your husband sounds insane. We have those tests here in the UK. I've never had a positive one but if I did, I wouldn't assume cancer. It would probably mean some blood was found which can be caused by all sorts of things, in your case it was piles (I have those sometimes). Your husband has diverticular disease which also causes bleeding. Constipation and diarrhoea - IBS - can cause bleeding.

The man is off his head, he needs help. He has cancer-phobia, health anxiety, to a great extent.

Hopefully when he's had the colonoscopy and is cleared, he will realise the implications of things he has said to you. I have never before heard the like.

Wow OP 😱 he really doesn't GAF about you or the DC does he 😢.

Nothing excuses this behaviour. Nothing at all. It's not acceptable to behave abusively just because he's scared. Be aware he's projecting a lot. Things he's done he's accused you of doing. Don't start believing you need to make it up to him. You've done nothing wrong.

In the other hand he has:
Tried to steal your appointment,
Got angry at you when the doctors wouldn't allow it,
Told you he hoped you had cancer FFS,
Blamed you for everything that may or may not happen to him,
Ignored your feelings as if you don't exist other than to serve him,
Refused to take you to your appointment as punishment for not doing what he wanted you to do.

He's utterly appalling. Truly.

I suggest you focus on DC exams and soothing your own hurt in private. Lean on your friends, don't hide the way he's treating you because you're afraid they'll judge him for it. He deserves to be judged for it! And you deserve some sympathy and support. Don't deny yourself that just to protect his public image.

Leave him to stew. His preparation is his business, let him find a friend to take him to his appointment like you had to, I'm sure you need some space away from him to relax and recharge, living with such an awful husband.

You don't owe him jack-shit now, not after the way he's treated you. I wouldn't be "all in" for him if he has cancer either. I honestly couldn't come back from this. He has behaved appallingly. I'd be separating as soon as the exams were over and telling DC exactly why.

At the end of the day if you let this behaviour go, you're giving him a green light to do it again. Abusive behaviour tends to get worse over time, each time being worse than the last. After all, by their reasoning, you put up with the last time so it must be ok. Boundaries get pushed more and more and before you know it your in the shit and can't imagine leaving.

It's already started. I can tell because in response to wanting to have your appointment, you said ok and tried to swap it. You didn't stop to think that you need this appointment. The doctors put you on the two week pathway, it's not for him or you to decide that isn't necessary. Tells me you're already used to cowtowing to him and his whims without questioning the reasonableness or otherwise of the demands. Get out while you still can, before you feel too old and beaten down you can't face it.

You haven't betrayed him. Far from it. He, on the other hand, has betrayed you.

Please don't feel bad for needing to vent.

What a pig. Tell him to sort out his own preparation. And you don't have to stick around, whether or not he has cancer.

I agree with you totally.

The laughing emoji is at your brilliant posting name 🤣

I am astounded that any husband would try to take his wife’s appointment when it’s only a matter of a week, and words fail me over his response that he “was hoping it would be you and not me”. Does he not appreciate that it might not be either of you? My DH had a positive result: he did have cancer, he had an operation and has been clear ever since. It’s not a death sentence, and he didn’t tell his DC until he’d had the op and knew the outcome. Your husband really is out of order, and as for worrying your DC before he even knows that there’s anything to worry about, that’s pure selfishness. He needs to get a grip. I would be massively hurt if my DH were ever as unsupportive as yours has been.

If you betrayed him by posting, what is your view of him saying he hoped you had cancer so that he doesnt have it (which, as you know, is totally fucked up logic)?

Its hard when you have been so conditioned to accept behaviour, having gradually adjusted to it over the years, and then see others horrified reactions to what you think is normal or "not that bad".

I am sure you are familiar with the "frog in a pot" analogy. That the frog that is dropped in boiling water will hop straight out. But a frog put in cold water that is gradually heated up to boiling, will acclimatise and then die. Thats what abuse is like. Its starts out with little things that are nothing big in themselves so you gloss over them....until here you are at 54, with a husband treating you so badly that to be honest its upsetting to read, and wishing cancer on you.

The why is not really relevant as lots of people have medical anxiety and they dont abuse their partners. If it wasnt this it would be something else, it really would.

I am a similar age to you (52) and I got out of an abusive relationship 6 years ago.....it isnt as bad or as hard as you think it is. And it is so freeing, so joyful, my life is not perfect but hells bells its so much better!

I’d be saying ‘Great. I hoped you’d have it as it would save me the hassle and expense of a divorce. By the way, I’ve packed a suitcase and my lawyer will be in touch in due course.’

You have not betrayed your husband, he has betrayed you. Please do consider speaking to a professional, you should not be feeling guilty he should, you really need to protect yourself and love yourself - you do not owe anything to this man!

Being scared of being ill doesn't generally make you be a cruel and heartless twat to your wife, btw.

Yup! This.

My partner has health anxiety that can be debilitating for him at times, but one thing I know is that he'd want to take my place in a heartbeat if I became seriously ill. And I him. That's normal in a loving relationship. You've really been desensitized to his horrific behaviour.

Why are you with this awful man? Honestly, you deserve better than this selfish, self centred idiot.

Wow, what a revolting man.
I wouldn't be staying with someone who said those things.

I don't know about in Canada, but nurses here often tell me men are so much worse about health, because women are used to it due to children/tend to communicate more/have more people to support them. Even so, as everyone says, this seems extreme. Ideally we'd all say to our partners that we'd rather they were ok than us, but human nature is often very selfish. I can understand him being angry/anxious that he had to wait longer than you, but it's hardly your fault. As others said, get him to talk to the advice lines/nurses. Hopefully he will get a clear result-and then explain how he's hurt you, and maybe consider counselling?

Christ alive he sounds absolutely batshit.

Worried or not, saying he wishes it was you and not him is unforgivable. I’d wait until his test is done then tell him it’s over. There would be no way back after that for me.

You know this type of reaction by your 'D'H reminded me very strongly of how my exH would have reacted. It was always MY fault no matter what. It's very disturbing to read, and I don't think health anxiety is to blame in this case as he wished YOU to have cancer, not him! Unspeakably awful. If he actually does have cancer you can be sure he will blame you (well he already has because he blames you for taking 'his' appointment!) and will of course accuse you of not looking after him properly even if you are a model nurse.

I know how this goes. You then start to blame yourself and think well it'll get better if I just do this or that. It's just because he is scared. Giving him excuses for his bad behaviour and putting your own feelings on ice and even wondering whether you are as bad as he says. Don't let that happen OP!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I hope he gets a negative of course, but there is no way back from this. So sorry OP, but glad you have a good result.

Oh, OP, I’m so sorry. To hear all that from your husband who you clearly still care for, to the point that even posting this anonymously has you feeling disloyal…to hear these things from him must be so hard.

Health anxiety usually presents as terrified for everyone they care about. So, during COVID, I would have expected him to be terrified for you, not banishing you to the cellar like a Typhoid Mary. As for how he’s acting right now? I have no words.

I really hope you both get to couples therapy on this as you deserve a safe space to tell him the things he has said and done, and the impact they have had on you. Clearly, calmly and without regret. You deserve that.

edited a typo

OP his behaviour is beyond selfish, it’s unhinged. Asking you to swap appointments is fair enough if you were willing, but to blame you for them not being able to change it and then tell you it’ll be your fault if it’s advanced is just batshit. I’m sorry but his comment about your result and hoping it was you and not him would be the end of the relationship for me. He needs to get a grip. A positive test can be as a result of the tiniest speck of blood in your poo - and if he has diverticulitis it’s likely to be connected to that.

l had a breast cancer diagnosis last year, completely out of the blue after a routine mammogram, and my DH put his own anxieties about it aside, stepped up massively and supported me all the way through three surgeries and some brutal treatment - even saying at one particularly low point that he wished it was him and not me.

I’d give some thought not only to how you think your DH would support you if you became ill, but what he would expect of you should he fall ill. Cancer affects one in two people in the UK, it’s brutal and scary, but what’s even scarier to me, having been through it, is the thought of my partner actually wishing it on me. That must’ve been hard to take and l’m so sorry you had to hear it.

I actually think it’s more than him being a cunt.

i think he’s abusive towards you and not just over this, previous history of shouting at you, making you sleep in the basement, etc.

if you’d had cancer I bet he would leave you, he’d be cross and resent you for being ill and he’d go.

Further to my post earlier....(frog in a pot) I would like to add this.

I think your husband is a piece of shit. He is selfish, self obsessed, cruel and appallingly abusive.

But bearing all that in mind, I hope that his result comes back clear.

He claims to love you, and hoped yours came back as cancer. How does that make you feel? That a woman who thinks you should leave him and get a better life for yourself wishes him better than he wished you?

ETA.....just remembered this..... MY mother hasnt got medical anxiety but every headache is a brain tumour...that kind of thing. She rang me once about a lump she had on her neck that was being biopsied. I was told "Well we need to be prepared for the worst because "obviously" it would be cancer. 20 years later...it wasnt and hasnt been every other time she "obviously" would have it since. First time it totally fucked me up, I was so upset. Turns out that the doctor told it was probably a cyst, she didnt tell me that bit. If you can stop him telling the kids please do.