husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

This! Jesus Christ get away from this thing!

No point going to therapy/counselling with someone like this. It won't work. As pp said, go by yourself for yourself.

This isn't health anxiety, this is being a cunt.
He tried to steal your place in the hospital queue and got angry with you, despite it obviously not being remotely your fault, when the appointment couldn't be changed. He wished you had cancer. He called you a bad parent for not noticing symptoms that presumably he hadn't noticed either. He's blaming you for him getting cancer that he doesn't even know he has yet. He shouts at you. And as you say at the end here he doesn't care and he won't apologise.
He can label it health anxiety all he likes but this is just being a really basic abusive, vile behavior towards the person he's meant to love.

This. Do something nice for yourself when it's his turn. Don't be his servant as he expects

He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.

What an absolute arsehole of a man. Sorry, OP, but this is a man who clearly doesn't give a shit about you and your health and well being, only his and what you can for him. Do you think he'll stick around to help you if you're unwell? Highly doubt it.

I would learn from this and tell him to get to fuck, frankly. True colours have absolutely shown here and they're not pretty.

I'm so sorry you've discovered this about his true nature ... but at least now you can make an informed decision about how and who you want to spend the rest of your life with doing it!

At least you now know if anything does happen to you in the future, he won't be there for you. I wouldn't wait around to let him treat me that way.

Glad you’re ok op.
hes an utter prick.
I think you’d be happier without him. He will mess your head up and worse your children’s heads.
Dump and move on to someone who loves you.

Oh and what you have described isn't a health anxiety, it's him being a cunt.

Your under reacting makes me think he’s much more of an arsehole on the daily than you’re either aware of or letting on. This is really abusive behaviour. It is not okay. At all.

Oh OP. You sound much too kind but I hate to think how this treatment may have affected you long term. You've enabled this far too long by putting up with his extreme health anxiety and self absorption. After your daughter graduates, I would kick him out for a bit or move out yourself. The only way he MIGHT see how awful he's been is if he is seriously inconvenienced. If he does have cancer, get him into a hospice as soon as you possibly can because I can't begin to imagine how awful he's going to be to you (and no, there is NO EXCUSE. Plenty of people have cancer and manage to be nice to their spouses). You can even show him this thread (as long as he's not violent and you're not in danger) to show him what we all think of him, and what a saint you must be to have put up with him all these years.

Get rid of him before his test. Then at least if he does have cancer, he can’t bully or guilt you into looking after him nor can tell people you left him while he was ill.

If OP is genuine and this is not some sort of rage-farming post, then my utter and complete gut instinct is, leave him, immediately, and never look back.

He wished cancer upon you. The end.

OP please don't minimise this. He us not a great husband. This behaviour is appalling. What advice would you be giving your daughter if she just told the same story and asked for your advice.

Please leave this man-child.

Many things are forgivable but not this. I would be speaking to a lawyer.

I hope this is a wake up call for you OP, you sound like a kind caring person who is with a narcissistic bully. You deserve a lot more than this!

Absolutely agree. His behaviour is outrageous and I really think you need to reconsider the support you are prepared to give someone who has clearly shown you that they do not consider you important at all. LTB

Thanks everyone, I am going to be honest I should not have said anything and should not have posted. I was just feeling lonely and sad. As I read your responses which I know are meant to be supportive and kind I am feeling very anxious and a bit sick.
I am going to try and figure out how to delete this post. This isn't rage bait I promise. It is just someone who needed to be anonymous and just write down what I was feeling.

You've become used to this, OP - this is shocking. All of it. I hope you're going to give serious consideration to leaving him because he is abusive. You're just used to it.

Well now you know - when you need him, he won't be there for you.

He was hoping you had cancer. There's no coming back from that.

Jesus Christ on a bicycle OP. Of all the utter twatfucker, selfish, asshole, dickhead man-children I've read about on MN, your "D"H takes the prize as the King of them all.

He's a miserable excuse for a man and the antithesis of a decent husband. Tell him that if he tells the kids he has cancer, you'll tell them he wished it was you instead and is angry with you for getting the all clear. What a prize bastard he is.

Why on earth are you planning on caring for him when he treats you like that?
Do not care for him. Or drive home to hospital. Or help him prepare.
He is evil.

I’m glad you’re ok, OP. Your husband is a total arsehole and doesn’t deserve you. Please stop making excuses for his inexcusable behaviour.

This is so sad, I hope you are ok OP and can find some clarity and peace around all this xx

Don't have it deleted.

You definitely were right to have posted. Firstly for yourself but also for your daughter.

This is not okay, and you're going to have to come to terms with that. Please don't waste your life.

He is behaving like a child. Most people have been on the two week pathway a couple of times by his age and there is no need to panic.