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Original poster

husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

576 replies

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 19:52

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

OP posts:
andthat · 09/06/2025 10:12

SpendingTooMuchTimeHere · 09/06/2025 10:09

Good luck OP, I hope that the test results are clear and that things get better for you 💐

I hope so too as OP’s life will be unbearable if not… but I think she will feel obliged to stay.

Hopingtobeaparent · 09/06/2025 10:29

SpryCat · 09/06/2025 08:59

You said, it seems to be your specialty, screwing up.

NO @eastcoastgirlie it’s your husband who has you convinced your specialty screwing up, he has you walking on eggshells and no matter what you do, he casts you in the role of permanently screwing up. It’s to make out he’s always right, any wrongdoing on his part or anything he can’t control is twisted by him so you get the blame.
If you were both on a ship sinking at sea, he would push you aside to get on the lifeboat, he would watch you go down with the ship, whilst he was safely floating away and then cast himself in the role of bereaved widower for attention and sympathy.

Edited

This. I’m glad someone has pointed this out. Part of the emotional abuse is the chipping away at your self worth by blaming you, telling you you’ve screwed up, it’s your fault…

Your husband should want to build you up, not knock you down.

poetryandwine · 09/06/2025 10:45

I also agree with @SpryCat most strongly, OP. Please take care of yourself

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/06/2025 11:17

Tbh I wouldn't have stayed with this person as long as you have as he seems to think the world revolves around him. He is nasty and very selfish to treat you as he does, his sister isn't much better.

SlightlyJaded · 09/06/2025 11:47

@eastcoastgirlie Nobody thinks you are a troll and you don't have to explain yourself (finding humour in a bleak situation).

You need to do what's best for you and DD of course, but I am worried by your misunderstanding of what's good for your daughter. Of course she adores her dad - 99% of kids do - it doesn't mean that they are good or healthy father figures, and it doesn't mean he isn't damaging her. I'm sorry to be blunt but his behaviour is abusive, selfish, narcissistic and he is modelling the WORST of men to her. If she 'adores her dad' - she is in grave danger of ending up with someone exactly like him if he continues to go unchallenged.

He is a pig
You are pandering to him
Your DD is learning from this.

Take care of yourself, but please don't ignore the uncomfortable truth.

BlackbeakQueen · 09/06/2025 12:04

Ignore the arseholes, here there and everywhere

I really worry if this is cancer how I’m going to care for him. He is going to be so angry and it will be all my fault. I told him that as well and said we need counselling. We will see

It just came out wrong I guess. That seems to be my specialty, screwing things up.

You are screaming for help, and you're not getting any support - you deserve sooo much better. Please look after you.

BlackbeakQueen · 09/06/2025 12:08

cryptide · 09/06/2025 09:19

In the longer term, yes, OP needs to get out. But in the short term, she feels she can't abandon her husband while he was ill, not least because it would destroy her relationship with her daughter. She is the only best placed to judge that, and therefore she is entitled to do what she can to help herself without having total strangers tell her off for it.

DD must have eyes and see how he treats OP - I pull up my family when they don't treat others (mainly DM and how she treats my DSis). DD probably can't, and doesn't want to cause a fuss - but if OP said "I'm leaving him as I have had enough of being treated like a doormat etc" her reaction may be surprising.

Peachy2005 · 09/06/2025 12:14

Agree with @SlightlyJaded above.

@eastcoastgirlie if you are still reading, ignore the person who called you a troll. Keep seeking support here and humour is of course one way people deal with awful situations, and perfectly valid.

What I was thinking earlier when you posted was that I never quite gathered the age of your DD. Over here, we think graduation dinner and we think university age, whereas across the pond, kids can have graduations at all different levels of schooling. Apologies if I missed you saying her actual age.

In any case, we do our kids a disservice if we let them put either parent up on a pedestal and it’s kinder to be able to gently point out things our parents, family and friends do (or we ourselves as parents do) that are undesirable traits, because it increases the chances of our kids being able to recognise those behaviours in others going forward so they don’t accidentally end up with someone treating them in a way that feels familiar but is actually bad. It doesn’t mean we don’t love those people but at a certain age and stage, our kids can recognise that someone acts in a particular way that may be crazy but recognising that doesn’t mean we don’t still love them. I think it’s important to be able to have those discussions with your daughter at the appropriate time so she is less likely to end up with someone treating her like your H is treating you xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/06/2025 12:22

Leave him now over this argument rather than after he gets a positive diagnosis so you don't look mean

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/06/2025 12:23

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 20:27

Wow! I posted my post and then went and ran a tub and when I checked back I was overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you all for the kind words and support as well as your honest reactions which validated mine. He really hurt me.
in answer to some questions he has always been self absorbed. Baby of the family and all that. He is your typical guy when he has a man cold. He is always so much sicker than everyone else. I’m a nurse and during covid I worked on a covid unit. He made me move to the basement so I wouldn’t get him sick. That is just him.when the kids were small one got sick and ended up in hospital he yelled at me and told me I should have caught it sooner and was a horrible mother etc. I think it is how medical anxiety affects him. This is by far the most nuts he has been but he has never been faced with the C word before
in other aspects of our life he is a good guy, funny, supportive of my career, but anything about his health and watch out.
I did ask him today about getting some counselling and that what he said really hurt me. He didn’t seem to care but I do know that he will go back and reflect. He may not apologize but he will reflect
I really worry if this is cancer how I’m going to care for him. He is going to be so angry and it will be all my fault. I told him that as well and said we need counselling. We will see

Omg run away you should have left him years ago but I know it's hard to do, you only get one life don't let him ruin the rest of it

justasking111 · 09/06/2025 13:06

Narcissist love the attention on themselves. When my aunt actually did get cancer my mother, her sister, battered the GP until she was finally admitted for tests.

One day she phoned me crying that she was going blind. Why, the optician had spotted raised eye pressure.

On a hunch I phoned my aunt. Yes she had been diagnosed with glaucoma as had I. We both used the eye drops and cracked on, still are.

It's wicked to use possible health issues to get everyone to run around after you.

MrsKnob · 09/06/2025 16:31

Please keep us updated on what is happening with your DH, and please ignore posts trying to goad you.

I hope everything is fine for him. He sounds like the most selfish person I’ve ever heard of and congratulations for managing to stick with him for this long.

Redglitter · 09/06/2025 17:11

cryptide · 09/06/2025 09:05

Oh, come off it, why shouldn't the OP derive some black humour from her husband's behaviour? I can see exactly where she is coming from. She is the one who is having to live with this situation, if a bit of humour helps her to cope it's absolutely not your place to say she is wrong.

Show quote history

I'm saying i dont see the funny side of someone blocking off bathrooms when im prepping for a coloniscopy. If the op finds that in anyway funny I think thats incredibly sad and a sign of how much abuse shes dealing with that shes trying to find humour or normality in her pig of a husbands behaviour

PickAChew · 09/06/2025 17:19

Redglitter · 09/06/2025 17:11

I'm saying i dont see the funny side of someone blocking off bathrooms when im prepping for a coloniscopy. If the op finds that in anyway funny I think thats incredibly sad and a sign of how much abuse shes dealing with that shes trying to find humour or normality in her pig of a husbands behaviour

Show quote history

I'm sure she was meaning funny odd not funny haha. See point number 2.

husband has had positive fit test and is out of control
Grendel7 · 09/06/2025 17:36

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 19:52

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

Throw him out! What a selfish and insensitive bastard. You deserve better sweetheart. Read what you wrote as if you were someone else reading it, its so sad. Get rid and move on.

Original poster
eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 09/06/2025 20:28

eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

I’m glad he’s OK for both of you OP. But is there any coming back from the way he has treated you, or the things he’s said ? Not sure l could get past this TBH.

Illgotothefootofourstairs · 09/06/2025 20:30

eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

I hope he’s feeling very foolish …..but I doubt it.

Sasha07 · 09/06/2025 20:30

So glad to see that update. Partly because it's not validated him being horrible and dramatic. Please, please look after yourself now, he'll need a lie down after all the fuss he's been causing! Hope you're ok OP, this hasn't been an easy thread to read, I hope you can put yourself first for a while now.

Shadesofscarlett · 09/06/2025 20:31

eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

you deserve so much better than this. Please stop tolerating his, erm, bullshit.

Fuzziduck · 09/06/2025 20:32

I’m so pleased for you. And now you must go on that holiday with your daughter.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 09/06/2025 20:35

I’m sure he made a meal of it all!

NewAgeNewMe · 09/06/2025 20:36

I’m glad his scope was negative and I hope he reflects on his behaviour.

Billybagpuss · 09/06/2025 20:45

So pleased everything resolved well. I hope you’re able to enjoy Mexico with dd and reflect on where your relationship with him will go next. There will be more health scares in the next 20-30 years and if it’s you he will not be supportive and if it’s him everything with your life will be put on hold.

Alreetcha · 09/06/2025 20:47

Hope you're ok OP x