husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

Just when I think I've come across the most self obsessed 'D'H on Mumsnet, along comes another ...

Please, please, OP, when his test comes back negative (which it almost certainly will, unless he decides to lie to you about it to continue the ramped up attention) leave this man. Unless he falls under a bus or drops dead, if he does get an illness in later years, he will make your life a living hell. He's given you a small taste of how he will react if he thinks there is something wrong with him and his sister has shown you how he has been raised - the sheer level of batshitcraziness shown to have actually told you (and in front of your DD!) that you should have cancelled your appointment if you couldn't give it to him rather than have the audacity to have your own appointment Before His is really quite impressive in the sheer level of delusional entitlement.

If you should ever get ill then he will have whatever you have (or something else) worse than you and you will be expected to put his (no matter how imaginary) needs before your own. So not only will you get no help, you will get a huge amount of unpleasantness until he discovers just how much kicking and bullying it takes to get you to tend to him rather than look after yourself. This will probably also happen to a lesser degree if one of your DDs gets ill or needs you.

If he should get really ill, or anything terminal, then beware, @eastcoastgirlie , as he will get properly, properly nasty. The sheer and complete rage he will feel at the 'unfairness' of him dying and leaving you behind alive when it should have been the other way around will be all encompassing. I've seen this happen a couple times unfortunately and both times the man had the woman so utterly physically and mentally exhausted and ill that he nearly took her with him both times. The second time I saw it happen she didn't live much past him as she had been left in such a state that sadly she didn't recover. There had been nothing wrong with either woman beforehand 😞

It’s not luck you need he is one of the most horrible twats I’ve read about on here and that’s saying something as there a lot of them about on here.
I really hope there’s nothing wrong but once he’s had his results I would definitely be looking at getting away from him. This is not health anxiety he’s just a selfish cunt. He doesn’t care for you one bit. I’ve been through this a few times it’s life we’re lucky to have this service available to us he needs to grow up and be a man. You handled your scare he acted like a twat because he is one. imagine if you had said that you had hoped it was him do you think he would’ve been helping with your prep. Please think about your relationship once this is all over he even deliberately ruined your dc night he doesn’t care about no one apart from himself.

This is one of the most disgusting men I have ever heard of. Do not do a thing for this evil piece of shit and if you stay with him after this you must be off your rocker. Please leave ❤️

Don’t delete this thread. It is good for you to have this as your own space. Threads like these help people see other perspectives. You do whatever you want but the hive here will always be buzzing for you.

Don't delete, OP. Keep reading. You need to read these responses again and again and again. This man is truly wicked and you need to get yourself and your DD away from him.

OP I get that you have been worn down over the years.
I also sense (hope) that you are starting to see the light.

The bit I am struggling with is that he is going un-challenged. You have a DD who is watching and learning.

How on earth are you not looking at this pig in total bemusement when he says things like 'you don't understand how hard it is" and reminding him you went through the exact same test a couple of weeks ago, with the same possible outcome and ZERO support?

The man is a pig because he is a pig. He is now also an abusive cunt because he is going unchallenged. He is clearly not answerable to anyone and has no reason to stop.

I agree with @thepariscrimefiles your husband is evil. He is also a sadist and a malignant narcissist. In fact he seems to possess no redeemable qualities at all.

If she's been a nurse for decades, she also knows when to leave the professional persona behind and has had training on abuse.

This guy isn't just abusing her, he's abusing his whole family using a cancer scare and he's wrecked his daughter's graduation dinner and is threatening her trip and he's going to make her whole graduation a terrible memory.

He's escalating.

@eastcoastgirlie

I don't understand why you're doing so much for him after the way he treated you, but ok fine, that's your decision.

Would you do me/us a favour though? When this test business is done, will you please see a solicitor? Find out what a divorce might mean to you wrt finances and child access. Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you're actually going to 'do anything'. It just means you're educating yourself as to the process and the law and getting rid of any possible fears you may have about the idea of ending your marriage if or when that thought occurs to you. Knowledge is power. And with knowledge you're a step closer to deciding how you want the rest of your life to be. And especially, what kind of life you want your DC to have.

Seeing a solicitor is also not a 'betrayal' of your marriage. Again, it's just educating yourself with no specific intent to do anything.

You're a nurse, so you know how important educating oneself is. And how comforting knowledge of a process can be. You do it all the time. You learn about new treatments and protocols. It doesn't mean you'll ever actually have to use them on your job. But it's comforting to know that if you need to, you have that knowledge, isn't it? Same thing.

How dare his sister berate you for not giving him your appointment! What planet are these people on? It’s as if you’re completely invisible & worthless. While extreme medical anxiety may well present as extreme & dramatic & controlling at times - I’m sorry to say your DH is also showing real signs of narcissistic superiority, cruelty & pathological selfishness. I wouldn’t be able to come back from this OP. He sees you as his skivvy, his nurse & his (verbal) punching bag. I’m sure you’re praying he doesn’t have cancer - more so that you will be able to think about leaving him. Sending you strength & sympathy.

Only after cooking some delicious smelling food and eating it in front of him.

I wouldn’t be helping him in the slightest and I wouldn’t be dropping him off. His behaviour is unacceptable, anxiety or no anxiety.

I think he is showing his true colours. As aging takes it's toll on your bodies he is going to want more and more support from you with less and less empathy and reciprocation whilst you get frailer and need more help but have to see to his needs before your own. This may be a way down the line, but the seeds are sure beginning to sprout!
Even now, with the way he is acting you have still set him up for his prep and, I am assuming, going to take him to his appointment. I get it that he probably has extreme anxiety about this, but you probably did too but just delt with it better.
So. Now you have too paths depending on test outcomes

1. Negative result. You need to sit down and find a way forward with this. Acknowledge his fears but also get him to understand that marriage is a partnership and both partners have to be supportive. Especially as you move through middle age and health worries and scares become more likely. My suggestion would be that you become a (very strict) mirror to the way he treats you. Act as you have been treated rather as you want to be treated and tell him that if he thinks he should be treated I a certain way then he needs to show you rather than telling you. Be strong, picture the future if you don't make a stand now.

1. Positive result. Get him into counselling ASAP. Even without this attitude he will need it. Talking from personal experience here and from my peers who have also faced this. Don't let him guilt you into running around after him. He needs to to find the strength to deal with this. In this journey people can support you but they should not take the burden for you because then you give up trying. He has to stay engaged with life and the family in order to keep them.

In either scenario stay downstairs until the matter is resolved to your satisfaction or you leave. Do what you would normally round the house but if he needs stuff he has to ask nicely and behave properly. As to his family. Keep them posted on everything using text or social media to keep a record. Start by saying that you think there has been some confusion over time lines, be clear when the tests were received and samples sent back, when appointments came through. Say they are welcome to check that appointments can't be changed between spouses and that for you to give up /keep your appointment was a personal decision that they don't really have a say in. Say that going forward you will keep them in the loop regarding his health SO THAT THEY CAN COME AND SUPPORT HIM OR HE CAN GO TO STAY WITH THEM. Above all else KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF IT. Let her enjoy this time and not be pressured into coming home to care for him or get involved in your relationship.

I'm sure he's going to tell you that no-one has ever suffered as much as he is, but it doesn't need to be so. When I had to do bowel prep, I retired to the bathroom with a laptop and a good book when things started happening, and basically just stayed there till they stopped. I didn't kept charging to and fro, I didn't keep wiping because I was just sitting consistently on the loo and letting everything happen. After around 90 minutes it was clear that I was pretty much empty, so I retired to bed. ISTR I only had to get up once during the night. I had to take another dose first thing in the morning, but that wasn't nearly so bad as I was still more or less empty.

Happy to report that the doctor congratulated me on the thoroughness of my bowel prep!

He is an absolute shit. His behaviour is inexcusable.

we only get one life. Why are you wasting yours with this psychopath who doesn’t care for you, and who minimises you and your feelings at every step?

Fuck him.

This isn’t FUNNY. Why are you acting like it is?

My god OP it's one thing to let him treat you like that but to ruin your daughters graduation meal! What an utter cunt.

If he whinges just smile and say “it is just like taking a shite” and laugh!

funny story when I was doing my prep he decided to clean the carpets in our room and the hallway essentially blocking off access to the bathrooms. First time in our marriage he ever cleaned anything

Which part of that is funny? Because im not seeing it. Your husband is a cruel nasty piece of work.

I never meant to imply that what he did was funny. When he started cleaning the carpets I was shocked and when I asked him what he was doing is said they were filthy and I could use the basement bathroom if I needed it. I called my best friend and told her. Today when the prep was his turn she said "you should clean the carpets now" in an attempt to lighten the mood. Her sense of humour is dry and sarcastic which I really enjoy. I meant she was funny not the situation. It just came out wrong I guess. That seems to be my specialty, screwing things up.
I am not a troll but I am not going to post anymore. I have never posted anywhere like this before and I am not sure why I did. I guess I just wanted a place where no one knew me to vent.
As for my daughter I can appreciate where many of you are coming from but you have to understand she adores her dad. worships him from the time she was a baby. If I didn't help him she would not forgive me. She was not angry at her grad dinner she was devastated because she loves him so much. I am not saying what he did was right trust me it wasn't, but it is complicated. I can't lose my daughter.
Sorry to be blunt. It has been a really long day and tomorrow is going to be even longer I am sure. It never occurred to me someone would think I am a troll. I am sorry if that is how I came across. I was just looking for... I am not really sure to be honest.
nothing about this is funny but my friend uses humour to keep me going.
Take care to all of you.

Don’t take on board the comments from ‘those people’ on MN. Most of the people here support you and want the best for you. Some people phrase it badly and some are just arsehats. Please update us as to your DHs results. Fingers crossed it is all clear and you and your daughter can breathe a sigh of relief.

Very best of luck OP you'll need it if you stay with this sorry excuse for a man. I hope his tests are clear because at least that will be better for you than having to nurse this vile human through illness. It will also mean your holiday with your DD can go ahead. Hopefully your daughter, as an adult will eventually see her father for what he actually is - a cruel, self obsessed narcissist.
Please, if you stay with him try not buy into his narrative of him being more important than you. You seem to be a kind and loving person so don't listen to anything to the contrary.

Your daughter needs to understand that this isn’t how good men behave. Why would you lose her unless you are frightened that he will alienate you? People speak plainly in UK but don’t let that put you off. There are hundreds of threads where women post unreasonable behaviour, dip in and out and grow stronger and eventually get strength to change their life to a happier place. We all get dry humour but I think people are shocked by the level of behaviour displayed by your twat of a husband. It is beyond normal.

Oh, that happens on every thread, @eastcoastgirlie - there are always some posters who seem to get a kick out of wilfully misunderstanding the OP or trying to pick holes in their story. It’s like they forget that this is someone’s life they are picking apart, not some Netflix special.

Sounds like your H has managed to brainwash your daughter into believing he’s the most important person in the world with the most important needs too…watch out for the anger when the penny finally drops on how she was manipulated through her younger years. She’ll likely blame you for enabling it as well. She’s going to need a lot of support and therapy to get through that and relearn how to build and maintain healthy relationships.

There is support and handholding here aplenty - so please, ignore the occasional idiots who post on here. Sending you all the strength for what is likely to be a very challenging 48 hours. Fingers crossed for a negative result and I hope he doesn’t keep you up through his prep.