husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

[eastcoastgirlie]

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

My husband just took himself off, did it all himself, drove himself, refused pain relief, drove himself back and waited for the results. It was fine.

@eastcoastgirlie come on op you have to return the favour and get shampooing that carpet!! remember you are going for lunch with your friends so cannot take him to hosp, just like he didnt take you!

I'm so sorry that some people have driven you off your own thread. There are always a few posters that enjoy putting the boot in and declaring that a situation that an OP has described can't possibly be true. They are best ignored so please keep posting if you still need advice or just to vent.

Your daughter is an adult and at some point you will need to tell her the effect that her father's behaviour has on you. You cannot just keep sucking up his abuse to protect her. Are you saying that if you left your husband, your daughter would take his side and stop seeing you? If that's the case, I can see why you seem so reluctant to confront your husband. However, she does need to know the truth. Your husband, her father, is a sadist. It's calculated cruelty and he enjoys it. It's unbearable and you shouldn't need to bear it. Please seek professional advice from a domestic abuse organisation and/or a therapist.

I hope you at least keep reading, even if you don't post any more.

This.

So sorry you feel unable to continue posting because of a few malicious commentators. The rest of us understood it was no laughing matter. I hope your DH gets the all-clear and that once the dust settles you can start making plans to escape him. Your DD might adore him but I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to suffer like this.

Hope all goes well for you and your husband.

Carry on reading here. I’m so sorry your husband is behaving so appallingly. His health anxiety does not mean he can treat you so poorly. 💐

Good luck for today, I hope it all goes smoothly.

I get the dark humour as this is exactly the sort of thing my ex would have done. He did something very similar with his second ex and turned everything around to be about him, even when her daughter was in for major surgery. His look at me behaviour became quite terrifying at that point.

@eastcoastgirlie
Keep posting

I am another who understands dark humour and have used it a lot whilst in an abusive relationship. I too, had to tread carefully because of a daughter/father relationship.

Use this place as a diary so you can keep re-reading it and you will eventually see that your life is beyond hell, and you will hopefully find the strength to leave.

You both had appointments for medical tests as both your initial tests came back positive, you were both equally scared, he asked you to phone up and change your appointment date so he could have your appointment because he feels much more important than you. He then blames you because they wouldn’t change it and when you went in, he was still incensed he had to wait, once you got the all clear, he told you he was hoping that you had cancer. He then tries to convince everyone that he has cancer, with no proof because he feels it’s his right to be the centre of attention. It also fits in with his narrative you are selfish because the hospital said no, you can’t shift his appointment and have he has your date. He tells people that he is dying and how you deliberately had test first because your an uncaring witch who doesn’t care if he dies so they in turn get mad at you.
He has created a fantasy world in which you are an awful unloving wife and convinces people to be his flying monkeys to punish you. He’s a delusional abusive man @eastcoastgirlie to say he was hoping you had cancer as the chances are he wouldn’t have it if you did. Now you’re running around getting the red carpet out for him, praying he gets the all clear and feeling like you have to prove to everyone that you love him! He engineered you being cast as the villain in his fantasy of the noble husband, devastated with the news he is battling cancer, with an evil wife who gleefully blocked him from getting treatment sooner.
He is deliberately brainwashing your daughter and other relatives against you, you know this deep down as he has been treating you like this all through your marriage, he has done it to keep you in place, serving his needs.

You said, it seems to be your specialty, screwing up.

NO @eastcoastgirlie it’s your husband who has you convinced your specialty screwing up, he has you walking on eggshells and no matter what you do, he casts you in the role of permanently screwing up. It’s to make out he’s always right, any wrongdoing on his part or anything he can’t control is twisted by him so you get the blame.
If you were both on a ship sinking at sea, he would push you aside to get on the lifeboat, he would watch you go down with the ship, whilst he was safely floating away and then cast himself in the role of bereaved widower for attention and sympathy.

Don't lose heart, MN is definitely the harshest and most judgemental forum I have ever been on- and there are plenty of people on here who just like to rip into you.
Any home situation has evolved over years-advising to just dump someone is as impractical as it is unrealistic.
I hope your foray onto MN has given you a little insight into your situation though-it is good to feel you are not alone-good luck to you and your daughter, it never occurred to me for a second that you are a troll.

Oh, come off it, why shouldn't the OP derive some black humour from her husband's behaviour? I can see exactly where she is coming from. She is the one who is having to live with this situation, if a bit of humour helps her to cope it's absolutely not your place to say she is wrong.

Just stop it. If OP is able to find the black humour in her situation to help her to cope, how DARE you claim she is wrong. This is not some story where the author has to try to fit your preconceptions, it is someone's life.

Totally disagree. Of course the OP has to find some way to make her life work, but I don’t think this is it. Years of living in an abusive relationship will totally skew your idea of what is ‘normal’ and what’s not, and I think this is what’s happened here, from the OP’s account of what she did to help her abusive h prepare for his test, compared to how he minimised her test and made life harder for her.

i didn’t find that story funny at all; it’s sad, horrible and frankly, creepy. There is no humour to be found in her situation , imo, and please don’t tell me how to feel.

I couldn’t forgive him. The relationship would be over. The abuse he has given you and your dd you should leave.

Bloody hell! I am speechless on this one. Your DH telling his family he was being treated for suspected cancer and blaming you because you had your scope first. That is not normal reaction or behaviour from anyone.
I hope his scope is clear and then you can talk about moving forward in whatever way you feel is best, but he certainly needs some counselling.

In the longer term, yes, OP needs to get out. But in the short term, she feels she can't abandon her husband while he was ill, not least because it would destroy her relationship with her daughter. She is the only best placed to judge that, and therefore she is entitled to do what she can to help herself without having total strangers tell her off for it.

OP, please don't feel you have screwed up, you really haven't. It's completely a matter for you whether you want to come back here, but don't let judgmental strangers push you off your own thread.

This.

I have also treated health anxiety for years OP.

I’ve never ever met anyone who comes close to this behaviour.

He is truely dreadful and abusive.

Please leave him. Don’t wait for results and don’t feel guilty for a second. What he did to your daughter is really unforgivable.

@eastcoastgirlie op your update is sad . I don’t think your a troll it’s the nasty trolls picking on you know doubt.
Keep posting you need support. .
Incant belive he did that with the carpets it’s a nasty “B”
You deserve better . Support him through this then plan to leave as there will
be another drama for attention and to keep you just from putting yourself first. If you have time to think about you . He knows you will realise you deserve a better life.

He is so abusive.

And what happens if you do get sick @eastcoastgirlie ? He will not be there for you, you know this.

Health anxiety or not, his behaviour is disgusting.

This will not get any better. Do you want to live the rest of your life knowing he doesn’t give a shit about you??

You sound a very loving, caring woman @eastcoastgirlie, I’m so sorry you’re being made a scapegoat so your H can make himself look saint like and dying. I know it’s easier for you to believe he has medical anxiety/ last born child of his parents but it’s not. He and his sister are very alike. They are quick to blame, cast people as the villains, they talk out of their arse and portray themselves as victimised, demanding attention and when the chips are down they are nowhere to be seen.
It’s crazy making behaviour and sounds exhausting for you and your daughter! The only way of protecting your daughter is to start recording his crazy making so she knows he’s not dying and how ridiculous his claims are that you are selfish. That way she can stop thinking the worst when he starts fantasising and only worry IF he does get ill. He only said it at the meal because it was centred around your daughter achievements and she was excited to be going away with you, he hates not having the limelight. You won’t be turning her against him, just protecting her from thinking his histrionics outbursts are facts and derailing her future.

Good luck OP, I hope that the test results are clear and that things get better for you 💐