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Original poster

husband has had positive fit test and is out of control

576 replies

eastcoastgirlie · 01/06/2025 19:52

Hi,
I am really struggling and looking for some guidance. My husband and I are both 54 years old and was sent our colon screening in the mail just like we have always had them since we turned 50 (every two years here in Canada). Both of ours came back positive and we were referred for colonoscopy. I had my appointment sooner than his because we found out about mine before his (my birthday is first so I got mine in the mail first)
Well, my husband is beside himself with worry which I completely get. I am scared for him as well. I love him. He was put on the 2 week pathway as was I but mine was coming up a week before his. He asked me to call the hospital and see if he could have my appointment and I would wait for another one. I was a bit surprised but I did it anyway. I was not able to change the appointment because of the way they referrals are done and he was livid. He called me selfish and accused me of not caring about him at all. He told me if he had cancer and it was advanced it would be my fault because I took his appointment and didn't fight for him. I was at a loss for words. I was really hurt that he didn't seem to care about me as I had a positive test as well but I pushed that aside because I know he is scared. Neither one of us had any other symptoms for reference. I even asked him if he had symptoms he wasn't telling me to try and explain his behaviour, he said no. He does have a history of diverticulitis so I am really hoping that is what is going on with him.
I had my scope this week and aside from some hemorrhoids I am fine. When I told my husband all he said was great, I was hoping it would be you and not me. now I know I have it. He would not take me to my scope because he thought it was insensitive of me to ask that of him with all his is going through so I had a friend take me.
Our daughter is graduating from high school this year and we are starting grad month! I am trying to put all this in a box so I can also be there for her. He told me last night he was going to tell the kids he has cancer. I got mad and said that is ridiculous. Why don't we not scare them until we know what we are dealing with?
sorry, I am now ranting but I cannot get over his behaviour. His scope is next week and he had already made me a list of what I need to get him for his prep and what I need to do to make it easier for him. I am scared for him and obviously want him to have a good result but I am struggling with feelings of hurt. I am prepared to be all in for him if he does have cancer but now I know in my heart he would not have been there for me.

OP posts:
Horses7 · 09/06/2025 20:58

Thanks for update. Your posts were upsetting and disturbing so I’m happy for you that this particular incident of horrifying and selfish behaviour is resolved (well, hopefully).
So sad you’ve got to put up with this sort of trauma for the rest of your life……unless of course you take a brave decision to try for a happier life without this nasty man child.

AnonWho23 · 09/06/2025 20:59

eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

I'm so pleased for you. I'd enjoy the Mexico trip and then come back and divorce the wanker. He is a very abusive nasty man and there will be a next time. Don't waste your life on him.

zeibesaffron · 09/06/2025 21:28

eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

…and now leave him you have done more than you needed too.

Surely this has shown you what a nasty
piece of work your DH is…

Pallisers · 09/06/2025 21:45

eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

Did he lose sleep when you did the prep?

Honestly OP this is not a nice man. You are both getting older. He will expect you to abase yourself before his needs but will probably divorce you if you ever did need help. You know this. Get out now while you can.

And get your daughter into therapy/talk to her because he'll expect her to sacrifice herself for him if you get out of the line of fire.

horrible horrible man.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 09/06/2025 21:49

So glad for you. Sounds like some serious rest time is in order for you, then you can decided what to do going forward if you want to make any changes to your life. Or stay as you are. I hope you get a break.

JustGiveMeWineNow · 09/06/2025 21:50

OP I have been on Mumsnet for years and this is one of the worst and saddest things I have ever read. He is just an awful person. I hope you get strength from somewhere to deal with him. He should be so ashamed.

Rainbows41 · 09/06/2025 21:56

I'm very pleased to hear his health has the all clear.
He needs to apologise to you now.
I think you have the upper hand OP. Now's your chance to tell him exactly how he's made you feel and give him the chance to buck his ideas up or you're leaving him.

Because you are strong. You have carried this man for god knows how long. You're not spending your last year's doing the same. It's your life

Cally222 · 09/06/2025 22:05

Glad his result was clear. Now you need to have a hard think about what's best for you. If any health problems arise for you in the future do you really think he is going to support and help you or make things harder and about himself? Honestly no offence we cant all stay young forever and whoever im with in my elder years id hope would be fully supportive and caring. Life's to short to waste time being unhappy. And im sure your daughter would actually agree. She probably already has picked up on it. And let's be honest do you want her to think the way in which he treats you is how she should let herself be treated? I hope you take all this the right way. I mean it from a good place that you need to maybe put yourself first for once as it sounds like you never do. I'm sorry others have kicked you whilst your down on this thread so again hope you understand it's just a little tough love. X

DorothyStorm · 09/06/2025 22:08

Rosscameasdoody · 09/06/2025 20:28

I’m glad he’s OK for both of you OP. But is there any coming back from the way he has treated you, or the things he’s said ? Not sure l could get past this TBH.

Show quote history

I agree with this. He ruined your daughter’s grad dinner to make himself centre of attention. He makes everything about himself. He didn't care whether you had cancer at all, in fact he wished it on you. I could not come back from that.

Hugs op

SlightlyJaded · 09/06/2025 22:10

Good.

Leave now whilst you can do it 'guilt free'.

Imagine down the line if he does get sick, you will feel completely stuck and he will undoubtedly be despicable and vile to live with.
This is your window OP!

LaughingCat · 09/06/2025 22:15

eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

That’s very relieving news. So glad you got through it and came back to let us know.

I wasn’t particularly surprised to hear his prep was rough - he sounds like a total drama queen. My other half was all geared up for it to be terrible and he actually slept most the night. It certainly wasn’t pleasant but he was more annoyed that he didn’t get to watch more episodes of the TV drama he’d loaded up on his iPad!

Sending you strength in your next phase of life…you do whatever’s right for you but try not to overlook how he’s treated you in the relief of BOTH of your negative results.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/06/2025 22:24

eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

I really hope you find the strength to leave him. Awful man.

powershowerforanhour · 09/06/2025 22:26

Thinking of you OP, and glad both tests were negative. Enjoy the Mexico trip and definitely go...be alert for sabotage to try to stop you going.
I haven't RTFT so maybe somebody has suggested it already...and I'm not a psychiatrist and haven't played one on TV...but it may be enlightening for you to run through one of those online "Am I a psychopath?" tests, answering as if you're him .

MsJinks · 09/06/2025 22:32

Glad it’s all clear. I can’t actually think of anyone I’d wish for it not to be clear - unlike your husband who keeps close (but poor) track of probabilities.
Prep is vile - but not to the extent of needing a lovely bed making and a heating pad - and though I felt super sorry for me at the time I’m really not clear what benefit I would have got to get the household up to be with me during the (literal!) fallout - except flushing my dignity down the pan along with everything else. It is mind blowing anyone over 15 (5?) needs this level of coddling.
I don’t think he will be at all sorry about his am dram as he will think it reasonable or at the least excusable due to the dreadful thought the main guy may be poorly.
My main thoughts are that you’re really going to suffer if, god forbid, you ever get unwell, and also your daughter is learning that a guy’s needs are absolutely paramount and much more important. She can love her dad but still know that sometimes he’s a nob - she may learn this herself but perhaps needs some extra encouragement to see not all men need this level of attention. Obviously, her auntie’s views don’t help this. Would your husband want her partner upsetting her? Can you discuss a bit now the major storm has passed? You need to find a way to manage this as you’ll have less and less energy for him as time goes by, and as he chips away a little bit of your love and patience bit by bit, and it will only all get harder. All the best, and do take a bit of time to care for you too.

cryptide · 09/06/2025 22:34

I suspect he's a bit disappointed that he's been deprived of the opportunity to keep the drama going for longer.

justasking111 · 09/06/2025 22:37

Take care of yourself now @eastcoastgirlie .

Pinkrabitt · 09/06/2025 22:49

Thinking of you OP. I hope you find the strength to leave and live your life free of this awful man. Enjoy your holiday.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/06/2025 23:43

@eastcoastgirlie

I'm glad, for your sake. Now enjoy your mother & daughter trip.

So, what are you going to do in the long term? Is this really the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

SandyY2K · 10/06/2025 01:51

eastcoastgirlie · 09/06/2025 20:24

His scope was negative. He does not have cancer. They found a bit of inflammation but that was it. No polyps, nothing.
I am relieved and want to sleep for a week. I think I got an hour last night. His prep was rough.

That's great news.

He can relax now.

You can take some time to think about everything that's happened.

It's difficult to just walk away after many years of marriage, but I'm sure you won't look at him the same way after this.

His behaviour would create emotional distance for me and staying would be a case of bodily present, but my heart no longer in it.

Good luck.

Rapunzle · 10/06/2025 03:06

OP you must be reeling - what a relief but also what a difficult position to be in. I do hope he doesn’t sabotage your (esp now) much needed trip with your DD but he sounds like the type that will. I doubt he’ll let you go that easily & wouldn’t be surprised if he plays up before you go with extreme guilt trips, more emotional manipulation & histrionics. From your posts it sounds as though you’re so used to having to cope with his behaviour that you’ve lost sight of how shocking & sorry to say abusive of you it is. I think collective outrage on your behalf is how to take what must feel like very vocal & harsh feedback from here. But as another poster said the way he treats you is disturbing & the outrage on here is really at him (tho directed at you). I hope if anything your experience on here has held up an unpleasant but maybe much needed mirror to your relationship & reaction to your DH’s unacceptable (& unforgivable) behaviour.

Peppy88 · 10/06/2025 03:29

I can read that you’ve seen the light. Wishing you all the strength to get out of this well before the next fit test lands on your doormats. You deserve to be happy!

LoudSnoringDog · 10/06/2025 05:55

cryptide · 09/06/2025 22:34

I suspect he's a bit disappointed that he's been deprived of the opportunity to keep the drama going for longer.

This

Gymnopediegivesmethewillies · 10/06/2025 06:27

I have severe health anxiety to the point I am frozen in fear. Mine extends to my loved ones and scared as I am I would take every moment of worry or pain for them if I could, because that’s what love looks like to me.

I really hope you see that your life would be better without this man. I’m sure your daughter would understand eventually, just explain that living with daddy is making you unhappy and you’re not a good couple and would be happier apart?

I wish you all the very best for the future, one without being bullied.

bluepumpkin · 10/06/2025 06:57

I really hope that you feel able to ignore him for a bit now and don’t pander to his demands now you know he’s perfectly well. It does sound as though he’s an unpleasant man-child that should be on his own really, but I appreciate that it’s not up to the mumsnet brigade as to whether you end your marriage!

I agree with others though… if at some point in the future you become unwell then would he make any effort for you? It’s horrible to imagine relying on him to care for you if you became poorly. I’d be inclined to have a good long think about what your marriage vows were and whether you want to stay married to a man who puts his value above your own. Don’t worry about what he or his sister says, but do talk to your daughter about it. Wishing you all the best.

Elsvieta · 10/06/2025 06:58

Does you daughter know how he treats you? If not, maybe the Mexico trip is the time to tell her - all of it, with no soft-pedalling. Because I get the sense that your fear of her reaction is what's stopping you leaving - is that right?