Problem/Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support IV

[lackaDAISYcal]

Sorry this is going to turn into a whinge fest rant.

I took a couple of days off last week and we had a bank hol weekend and was beginning to feel normal so I phoned my dad. He had offered to come and help for a few weeks and we so desperately need it. The conversation was very short. He told me it would have to wait becasue he's pissing off on holiday again. He's one selfish bastard.

Just to put you in the picture, I have asked more times than I care to remember. Have even cried on his shoulder. He keeps offereing help and then ignoring me. Last time I aksed him to come on long weekend with us (we would pay) so he could help out with the kids. I told him we were desperate. The second time I phoned to remind him, he got very slightly annoyed with me and told me he'd phone me back, whcih he never did. I got a phone call a couple of months later (he was at the airport going on another holiday) saying he was so sorry and he'd let me down and blah blah. He just phoned me to make himself feel better.

He's big on the words but doesn't back it up and I feel so let down (ashamed and embarrassed he's my dad actually-he has no backbone). I don;t begrudge him going on holiday (and he planned that one after he promised to help me out)as that's what I'll be doing when I retire but the only time he helps me out is once every 4 months when we go to visit.

I have e-mailed him telling him the way it is. I've also said that we will not be visiting for the foreseeable future as we are TOO exhausted, the kids get unsettled and don;t sleep and we have a 3 hour drive on 2 consecutive days.

My mum is incapable of helping because she can't leave the end of her street (not literally but she couldn't drive 'all that way' on her own) God what is wrong with people? I think I must have been adopted I'm so different to them. My mum jokes about me being the black sheep of the family and 'I didn't bring you up to drink camomile tea'. Mum can't understand why I never moved back to my home town like my brother and sister. Well so I wouldn't be suffocated by narrow minded thinking and being incapable of 'driving all that way'. Fuck I'm angry. Maybe I'm being totally selfish? I just think of what my response would be if my dc's needed me?

god so angry have jst gone out for a run for the first time in years. not even all that out of breath. now ds is up arggh why so early

Glowwormish - have you got any friends who might be able to come and give you a hand for a few days? Where abouts in the country are you? feel very for you...
gerbra x

p.s. ...but I'm very impressed with you going for a run at any hour let alone that hour

Hi everyone.

How has the rest of the day been glowormish?

Unhappy- you havn't been around for a while on the thread- how are things with you- If you're lurking!

HI glowwormish,

apologies for the late reply. To answer your question below: although I think the amount in itself may not be that big of a deal, it's how you feel about it (need it) and the effect that it's having on you emotionally etc. I think the best person to tell you if it's time to make changes is you. I think you do have a level of self-awareness and have even hinted that abstention may be the option for you in the future. That's a decision you have to make when you're ready I think. From my own experience, once drink played such an important role in my life on a daily basis, it's was the start of a slippery slope. MIne was just a lot faster than most people, bu it's insidious and cunning and be upon us before we know it.

Also I think, perhaps, you're using it to deal with the other stuff right now. Your relationship with your DF sounds very one sided and like it causes a lot of pain. That;s the thing with parents, we try all our lives to obtain their love and acceptance but actually their ability to reciprocate has nothing to do with us - they are are a product of their own upbringings. I think the only way we can move forward is by being honest with them and then if nothing changes, trying to accept the relationship for what it is. Difficult I know.

The other thing is trying to look at solutions for your work/home life. If you're so stressed out you're up at 2am and busy all day, there's no way you're going to be productive. By trying to prioritise and perhaps cutting back/letting some things go, it may be more sustainable for you in the long run. You don't want to make yourself ill. Sorry you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, life can be difficult sometimes.

How's everyone else? Gerbra? Flowertop? Unhappy? Come and say hello.

Really sorry to read how your DDad has upset you glowworm. I've no advice but just wanted to say that I feel similar about my own family - ie being selfish and not following through with promises to help. It is hurtful as well as making life more difficult. Hope you get a lucky break soon.

Hi to everyone else.

I've had big computer problems this week and I've spent hour after hour trying to sort things out. I caused the problem though, so am very cross with myself at the moment. It's back up and running, but I can't read any of my Facebook messages. I keep getting an error message saying that IE cannot access this page or something, and then IE crashes. Any techie types out there know what to do?

Hope everyone's doing well this evening. I'm a bit sunburnt after having walked halfway to the CAT this afternoon. Loving this weather though

Evening all - just checking in to say hope everyone's doing okay tonight.

Brassic I wish I knew how to resolve your IT problems - my pc is currently saying it can't see i have a DVD reader/writer, when there's quite clearly one integral to the pc! E-mail also crashes and re-opens after every message I send - has been doing this for about 3 months and I've no idea why! Hope you get it sorted. Hope the detox is going well - you must coming up for 2 weeks nearly?

Had my last drink on monday night and made the decision not to drink tonight (there was an option for me to drink) so I feel quite pleased!

I'm pretty sure I'll drink tomorrow so will see if it goes down like a lead balloon once again...I think this might be part of the process now until I can decide on whether drink is bad for me and to stop altogether / or whether I can get back to drinking reasonably and happily . Something tells me the latter is the more unlikely...and it's just a question now of accepting it's scenario number 1 (just like you said Brassic...)

Hopefully will pop in tomorrow some time...
gerbra x

Hi all, thanks for asking Kokeshi, as you know always lurking on this thread and really nice to hear from you! No news this end apart from finding am able to have at least one night a week off from the drink. My DH is away quite a bit at the moment and when he is am able to abstein. This week he was supposed to be away Tues/Wed and then phoned to say 'good news not away now' I was a bit pissed off as knew if he is away am unlikely to drink. What is that all about? Was thinking may be we should part and then I would be more able to control drinking. A bit radical really as very happy together. When you read on here how selfish our parents are it makes me realise I am not alone. My mum died when I was 9 and Dad married about a year later. He was a wonderful dad until then when he changed into a non caring arse. I realise after years of problems that he is just a spineless man who would do anything to make his new wife and her children happy, even at the cost of his own children's happiness. In this situation you always believe that other families are so happy and everyone else is truely loved etc etc. This thread just makes me think how many selfish parents are out there. It is a real let down to us all as we always think our parents should be there just for us. So very sad. Thinking of you allXX

Hello again everyone [sheepish emoticon]. Things here have been up and down and up and down, rather the same as before, but with marginally less alcohol (I think).

I am seeing a councellor at the local cancer centre, and for the first time, I mentioned my drinking, because it is annoying me.

My parents were staying with us last week, and when I was talking to my mum, she was saying that she really didn't like feeling drunk. I said I felt the same way and it's really unpleasant feeling out of control. So what happens next?! I drink myself unconcious. Durrrrr.

The day before this, I got very angry with my dad and told him he was a ghastly bully who had no respect for his wife or children, and that his behaviour was totally unacceptable and that he didn't deserve to see his children at all judging by the way he treats them. He had been boasting about hitting a boy, but I got angry when he said that my financial situation was his business .

I think this may have had something to do with my drinking,and I am getting fed-up with beating myself up on behalf of someone who is mad.

My mum was glad I had been angry with my dad
and thinks there is something wrong with his brain.

Sorry this is a bit of a mess - it's a bit complicated!

It does make sense Fio. I held loads of resentments towards my parents, until I realised I should justaccept that they are who they are, just as I'm not perfect either. Also, that i just had to accept it- after all, i can't change them, pointless trying to. Our relationship is very narrow, with no room for growth, but I'm an adult now and i can learn to live with that. My relationship with my parents isn't perfect, but hey. Until I accepted that, I used to get quite cross and upset about things.

God I sound like a right harsh cow don't I? Don't mean to

No you don't Stripteasle!

Spent a huge amount of money at vets today just on food and ongoing medication...

Have been drink-free since Tuesday and will be having some wine tonight - will be interesting to see if it is as much of a fiasco as it was last week!

Hope everyone, abstaining or not-abstaining, has a lovely weekend - pretty sure the weather's going to be gorgeous all over the country?

gerbra x

hi to all. It's been busy on here while I've been away..lovely weekend, than staying at the PILs whilst some plumbers ripped my floors to shreds installing a new heating system...just in time for the lovely summer weather

had some friends over for a barbie earlier and had a couple of white wine and sodas.....heavy on the soda. Nice, but not my usual tipple (red red wine) so don't feel the need to have any more of it and am now on lime and soda which is just as nice, if not nicer than the white wine soda.

I'm off to catch up with everything that's going on.

BM...fantastic that you are doing so well

Where has everyone gone?

I'm about teasle. Just got in from grocery shopping - what joy !!!

Had another group meeting today and surprised myself by how much I talked. I'd had a nice weekend, but felt really wound up because I hadn't been able to drink. Lots of feelings of bitterness and resentment, mostly directed at myself came out of me today. I think I dominated the group .

So how are you doing teasle? And everyone else of course? Is the sunshine increasing cravings, or just making us all feel happier in general? I think it's a mixture of both for me.

hello. havent really posted here before. I'm trying for my first alcohol free night for the first time in about 2 years .

any tips please? i really want to do it and have always given in before.

Evening all - have not popped in as much as usual - how's it going? Brassic you sound like you're doing fab - I wouldn't worry about dominating your group (you probably didn't anyway!)...it's great that you did so much talking

Mankymummy - how are you doing, are you drinking tonight?

Hmmm, tips wise, my main problem is sleeping when not drinking so have been taking kalms sleep an hour before bed...which has really helped.

I guess the key is to get through the time barrier when you'd usually have a drink - can you do something you wouldn't normally do as a distraction? (bath, book?). My key triggers are tv and mumsnet so tried to stay away from both the first night - which was hard!

The first night is truly bizarre! Bear with it though, it does get better. How much do you usually drink over an evening?

Gerbra x

Been really exhausted lately and posting has just seemed like too much effort. Sometimes there is so much going on in my head I don't know where to start anyway.

Recently my mum broke her ankle. In the original story a half bottle of gin was involved. Since then the story has changed and the role of alcohol downplayed. She was hospitalized for a couple of days but was insisting on being released. The hospital eventually agreed to let her go home once she has signed a disclaimer. It's an unstable fracture and I am wondering whether she will remain sober during the next 6 weeks while it heals.

When the sunny weather kicked in my first thoughts turned to wine. However have resisted and am very glad of this as I think I have had more pleasure out of the sunny day's.

My thoughts are in overdrive just now. I don't know if it is because when I drink they get stuck in the same loop and now my brain has a chance to explore all the stuff I have been trying to suppress. It's as if it's uncluttering itself.

HI mankymummy and welcome to the thread.

I suppose it depends on how you drink, etc, but...

Try to identify trigger times- what time do you usually start drinking?
Plan things to do as well- keep busy, keep active. Write down all the reasons you want to ease up on your drinking, and try to be honest with yourself- how much is alcohol impacting on your life etc.

Depending at what level your drinking is at, be aware of withdrawals, also that you may find your sleep is affected initially, but these pass.
Obviously, if you are drinking a bottle of spirits daily, I wouldn't suggest stopping outright!
If you are really worried about the level of your drinking, you could go to your GP, local alcohol service etc. for advice and info, and there's AA too.

Thing is, I don't know your drinking history, so sorry if i'm way off the mark with any of this!

I suppose keeping busy, planning your time, things like that, are really important to help break something thats become a habit, Hope this is helpful.

How did you do the other night? Are you wanting to try and cut down a bit or stop completely?
Have a read back over this thread- there are posters who want to cut down, and also ones like me, who have stopped completely, so there will probably be something you find useful somewhere!

Hi everyone, i failed dismally. well... i didnt drink until 8pm which is good for me.

And I had made sure I had no wine (which is all i drink) in the house but then BF turned up and fancied a glass so I went out to the office licence.

I had I suppose about 3/4 bottle of wine.

I want to give up because of the cost and to lose weight and also am very conscious of the fact that I drink on average a bottle of wine a night. My mum is an alcoholic so am extra worried I may end up like her.

I think I need to start on a night when BF is not here because one or other of us always ends up fancying a glass even though we've said we won't drink.