DH wants me to take him to A and E because he feels so ill

[jazzyfazzy766]

My DH always seems to be ill. He is 48 and quite fit but as soon as you put him in a pub, theatre, cinema, church, train or bus - he gets ill with a cold cough sore throat etc but it is always 100 times worse than when anyone else gets a cold and lasts for weeks - ( his car went for a service end of week before last and he got the bus back) - next day he came down with a cold - he screams in pain and panics and shivers like mad moaning he is really hot but he never has a temperature. He has even bought 3 different thermometers now coz he thinks they are broken. Twice before he has been admitted to hospital coz he has walked in the Dr's bent over double crying with pain so docs have thought he had pneumonia or quinsy. Both times he has been admitted to a ward and had tests which have come back clear and told he has a cold- he is upstairs screaming in pain saying he is burning up temp is 36.8 ( so no fever) and demanding I take him to A and E now. He saw Dr on Friday who said it is a cold no chest infection or tonsillitis. WwYD? Without a high temp I really honestly think it is just a cold - this prob happens 4 - 5 times a year and I think he spends more time being ill than well. During lockdown was the healthiest he has ever been! Should I take him. 111 said no temp it is nothing serious .

He has had chest x rays taken twice because one of the times he went to A and E he thought he had pneumonia because the cough was so bad - which I again think was panic because everytime he has a coughing fit he panics he can't breathe although he had been to the doctors and told he didn't have a chest infection. His work colleagues have told him he is a very loud and OTT "cougher".

He has had numerous blood tests to test for thyroid and for glandular fever as the other time he went to A and E his throat was so bad he couldn't swallow or even drink but again no sign of infection or pus - because he was bent over double and was crying GP was convinced he had a quinsy further down in the throat which they would only be able to see in a hospital. He has had respiratory tests and was told that his puff isnt as it should be and he would be able to have an inhaler or steroids but he never followed it up this must have been about 10 yrs ago. Just before covid his GP was going to refer him to a rheumatologist but then covid hit and it sort of got lost and forgotten about. So there were things being done and we definitely need to get the ball rolling again.

@jazzyfazzy766 chase up the asthma meds, the steroids would dramatically ease his symptoms, awful if he needs them and has been coping without.

Make sure he is referred to rheumatology, when you know who he’s referred to you can pay private for an initial consult. There is up to a six yr wait at the moment by which point disease progression if it’s there could have gone on significantly. Do what you can to expedite it.

And get him to take ownership over seeking help/paying for whatever is necessary. You are his wife, not his Mum.

The lack of empathy is horrible on here, and this isnt the only thread where its like that. All this talk of encouraging OP to leave him, goading her about how can she stand him or this is her life for the next 40 years. Well yes, no doubt she supports him in times of need and vice versa.

My dad is a carer for my mum, you need the patience of a saint to deal with her (and I dont have that).

No doubt posters would have told him just to leave her and get on with it. I hope someone looks after me if I need it.

Is he having panic attacks due to not being able to breathe properly?

I spent years suffering from colds/allergies and would wake in the night with my nose blocked solid (I can't breathe through my mouth at night for some reason). I'd wake in complete darkness convinced I was suffocating, which would make me over-breathe, which would send me into a panic attack with my heart racing and believing I was going to die from lack of oxygen. It looked very dramatic to onlookers!

Now I live alone and, if I get a cold that blocks my nose I use a decongestant spray for the three nights that are the worst, plus I sleep with the light on and a radio playing to stop my brain from dwelling on my symptoms. It's not exactly 'rolling about screaming', but I can be very over-dramatic, even though I KNOW for a fact that I'm not dying, not suffocating...

There's a condition that comes up on Chronic Fatigue syndrome community boards called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. There is some controversy over it, but I've witnessed DS2 cone up in hives, have extreme reactions etc. I haven't pursued it for him so I don't know too much about it, but might be worth a look for your DH.

I think it’s because he seems otherwise a normal person BUT has no acknowledgment that this is a chronic issue, doesn’t seem to be frantically following up on what it could be if he thinks it’s real, no recognition that it’s very unlikely he needs antibiotics because he does remember that the 10 previous times there was no infection to treat with antibiotics etc. he comes across as just zero self awareness or empathy for his wife and children, not when sick or when well. That’s what’s making people be harsh about it. His wife is on this thread thinking she has to push him to follow up again. Why is this on her?

I suspect a psychiatrist might be in order, tbh

told that his puff isnt as it should be and he would be able to have an inhaler or steroids but he never followed it up

He must be getting something out of it @jazzyfazzy766 (e.g. your attention) or he would've followed this up if he wanted to be well, wouldn't he?

I take inhalers and it means I can live a normal, active life. Why wouldn't he want that? What's the pay off?

@FakeyMcFakeFace I tend to agree. As I posted above, my stbxh was very similar. I spent decades trying to help, find a solution. Turns out it was all attention seeking, self absorbed nonsense.

The son is autistic though, and it’s an inherited condition.

His sister has fibromyalgia which is often comorbid with autism.

Often there are issues with the immune system which increase with age, and would explain why he’s constantly getting sick.

And people can have sensory issues to the point where perception of pain is greatly amplified.

OP he needs assessed.

@FakeyMcFakeFace @Todayiamlexie
reading your comments, as a woman with ASD whose child also has it, it’s offensive.

His frequent illness and behaviour is quite typical and he needs help.

@Codlingmoths

Why is it on the wife - if he has asd he will have difficulty managing some very basic tasks/organising himself. Even though he has a job, a family etc. Basic things can be problematic. Like you can have people with first class degrees or top computer programmers on a high wage, who struggle with things like getting dressed, following a route, making a meal.

Honestly OP with the family history this screams ND at me and I think people saying it’s attention seeking….well you wouldn’t say it about someone with cerebral palsy would you?!

@mumsnet- my post above was meant for another thread. The app keeps going nuts on my phone and refreshing. Please can you remove the above post???

@Fraaahnces

I see your chicken nuggets and raise you these facts.

80% of genes associated with autism are inherited. 20% due to random mutation and environmental factors.

https://www.autismspeaks.org/science-news/autism-genetic-study-finds-80-risk-inherited-genes

Only 22% of autistics are able to be employed, which obviously would correlate to a lot of them being in lower socioeconomic groups because there is limited upward social mobility due to earning capacity.

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/news/new-data-on-the-autism-employment-gap

You need to report it to MN and ask them to remove. As you are an adult and should be capable of this yourself 😁

This was my first thought too.

My dd is autistic. She feels even slight pain very intensely. If she has a cold it floors her. A headache and you'd think she was dying. It's awful for her. Look up interoception.

But if he is getting so so many coughs colds that's a worry. I hope you get to the bottom of it all x

God I couldn’t put up with this.

What does he do if everyone just ignores him OP?

I’d totally ignore him … if he’s genuinely as ill as he’s making out he’ll sort it out himself. Sounds like he’s just attention seeking. (I’d have left him years ago personally)

The fact he doesn't follow things up makes me think he knows he's exaggerating. Otherwise surely he'd be desperate for answers.

@saltrocking I was the same until early 20s when I learned how to manage colds better. Floored me for a few weeks…

My Ds - cuts his finger and he has a complete meltdown until we can find a plaster (which applies pressure on the area)… has a cold - “Is it cancer? Am I dying?”

Luckily he also has adhd which makes him so hyperactive that he doesn’t stay sick long!! He won’t stay abed and I think it helps distract him from sensory overload.

@Robinni I take your point, but covid hasn't gone away has it ? I know as many people who have had it in the last couple of months than through 20/21, there are no longer any restrictions, life has returned to normal for the vast majority, when it comes to transport, shopping, travelling etc. I genuinely thought it odd that someone who appears so susceptible to respiratory viruses hasn't had covid, I suppose he could have had it and it was before testing was a thing ?

I do think it is worrying that these respiratory viruses last so long for OP's DH, I don't think the timescale she is talking about is normal for a 'cold' , maybe once in a blue moon we all get a real stonker, but every single time he gets one it lasts for more than 10 days and add in the fact that the frequency of him getting them is increasing. His stress levels when ill sound horrendous, and probably compounded by the stress of knowing if he is ill, he will be in trouble at work.

Sounds like some kind of sensory processing disorder problem

I would also suggest looking at the asthma/inhaler issue again as well as trying to get GP to look further.

I was really bad with near constant lingering colds and flu and chest infections just before I was finally diagnosed with asthma - though that doesn't sound like the issue here even now when it's well controlled colds can knock me back - in fact tracking peak flow and recording it in peak flow diary you can often see effect before getting main cold symptoms.

@TripleDaisySummer IDK about you but as I have asthma, I don't catch colds/flu any more often than other people. It just takes me a couple of days longer than the average person to shake them off.

And some of them can effect me more seriously than other people- though that hasn't happened for decades really.

@Dymaxion the reason covid was so bad was you had a naive population, no herd immunity, and a pathogen that was highly transmissible.

As I said for an infection to take place it’s factors relevant to the virus, host, environment… in a house where people followed protocols advised and only a few with mild illness this could have saved him.

90% vaccination and continued boosters of vulnerable are doing the job now to keep things in check…. If someone vaccinated has covid they will have peak viral load for a lesser proportion of time which means they are less of a damn nuisance to other people and thus where it’s passed on it often doesn’t meet threshold for infection or where illness occurs it’s milder than what would occur without.

Plus there’s attenuation and some people aren’t symptomatic/exhibit natural immunity due to things like genetic factors that haven’t been elucidated yet.

Yes he could have had it before testing, and he could have it now… only vulnerable get free tests now. Unless OP bought tests or they did it at GP?

Tests are not always accurate though, especially for low level infection and can depend on what time of day - covid particle shedding tends to be highest mid afternoon.