DH wants me to take him to A and E because he feels so ill

[jazzyfazzy766]

My DH always seems to be ill. He is 48 and quite fit but as soon as you put him in a pub, theatre, cinema, church, train or bus - he gets ill with a cold cough sore throat etc but it is always 100 times worse than when anyone else gets a cold and lasts for weeks - ( his car went for a service end of week before last and he got the bus back) - next day he came down with a cold - he screams in pain and panics and shivers like mad moaning he is really hot but he never has a temperature. He has even bought 3 different thermometers now coz he thinks they are broken. Twice before he has been admitted to hospital coz he has walked in the Dr's bent over double crying with pain so docs have thought he had pneumonia or quinsy. Both times he has been admitted to a ward and had tests which have come back clear and told he has a cold- he is upstairs screaming in pain saying he is burning up temp is 36.8 ( so no fever) and demanding I take him to A and E now. He saw Dr on Friday who said it is a cold no chest infection or tonsillitis. WwYD? Without a high temp I really honestly think it is just a cold - this prob happens 4 - 5 times a year and I think he spends more time being ill than well. During lockdown was the healthiest he has ever been! Should I take him. 111 said no temp it is nothing serious .

You really do know nothing and have shown yourself up as unpleasant to people who are suffering. Your initial premise is that people who have MH issues should be embarrassed about their symptoms and behaviour. Unpleasant.

When he was little apparently according to his older brother they were constantly at the doctors and never at school as his mum thought they always had something wrong with them.

It sounds a bit as if his mother induced this. Because she always thought something was wrong with him and was constantly taking him to to doctors, she led him to believe that he was very delicate, that being ill was an awful thing and that only a doctor could put it right. I question whether his colds are even colds but just sort of nasal symptoms which he panics himself into producing every time he travels on public transport.

He clearly does need to go to a doctor, but that is for a thorough examination of his mental health, and nothing else. You may need to insist on going with him to ensure the doctor gets the full picture, or maybe you could write to the doctor before they see your husband to give the full details.

if he is neurodiverse he might not be able to cope with the pain of being ill from a sensory point of view.
I don’t think he would develop a cold 24hr after a bus ride. I would have thought more like 48hr?
I would give him 4000IU/ml vitamin d plus k3 and 500-1000mg vitamin c daily. Also 600mg NAC.
he sounds quite run down. What is his diet like?

Do you ever discuss his reaction to a cold when he feels well? The impact it has,how isn’t has always been a good diagnosis etc…seems like a definite MH issue..something he needs help with.you seem to be very strong.so stay positive and let this time pass,,then have a chat with him and try put some plans in place for next time..

he gets ill with a cold cough sore throat etc but it is always 100 times worse than when anyone else gets a cold and lasts for weeks -

PP mentioned allergies might be worth trying anti-histamine just in case.

Otherwise is he getting that many cold - because I have had period when I did - I now suspect I had low vit D.

You could also try:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sambucol-Natural-Elderberry-Vitamin-Supplement/

Or some

First off, colds have an incubation period of around 5 days so he has never caught a cold from a bus he was on a day earlier.

Second, no way should you be taking him to A&E - even 111 have told you that and they're a pain for sending you in unnecessarily!

You do, however, need to discuss his reaction to being poorly and delve deeper into that.

That's odd - my post is truncated - but I just suggested some multi vitamin winter boosters - D3, Zinc, Magnesium, K2 - along those lines.

He sounds like that sickly kid in the Secret Garden who is convinced he is very ill but actually isn't.

He's been at this for a week now to the point of driving away his own family, has seen a GP on Friday, been told by 111 not to go to A and E. Is so convinced he has terrible fevers that he's bought THREE different thermometers rather than accept that he doesn't have a fever?

This isn't normal or ok and you absolutely mustn't enable him by taking him to A and E.

Reading the thread again, I think he’s a malingerer.

Drop him at a an e and dont return for him, your children are suffering from him being dramatic.

What happens when you refuse to take him? How does he react when he is better?

If he is literally screaming in pain, I would be inclined to take him and drop him off outside and see what happens.

Thank you all He is asleep now - I gave some anti histimine as hopefully they will make him sleep so we can all get some sleep so know more mention of A and E.

It is definitely a cold he gets constant sneezing, hacking cough sore throat headache and body aches. I think what happens is he isn't fully over each one before he mixes with people and gets another one on top of the end of the original one. When kids were small he always caught their sickness bugs and would be out of action for a week. Any cold/cough or sickness bug and he gets it.

We've had the conversation so many times that if he didn't go to work or mix with people he would be so healthy. Everytime we go away he is either ill on holiday or when we get back - so much so we don't go abroad anymore because he always picks something up from the travelling,

Sounds like he's going to get fired soon, so mixing with people at work won't be a problem for him anymore.

I remember your username now, you posted about how he expects an hour of stroking, kissing and cuddling from you every evening (presumably when he's not dying of a feverless cold).

I hope you find some way to restore some balance into this relationship. Or have the strength to end it.

Best of luck, op.

@huggiewuggie Christ, really?

OP. This sounds intolerable. You must ask yourself why you put up with it? What’s in it for you? Does it fulfil some need to prostrate yourself for a man this controlling and bizarre?

Why did you post? You've ignored all the people who say he's got severe health anxiety and he'll need a therapist, speak to GP.

Are you saying you don't believe he has pain ?

Thrashing arround and screaming is not normal, pain indicates something is wrong.

Maybe he has trouble conveying what his symptoms are especially if they dont fit into a neat little box with the onfo he has, such as sore throat, cold or flu.

Control of temperature is a feature of many illnesses, nueropathic pain, blood pressure problems, anxiety attacks, sense of doom with attacks.
He needs to research his own health.

What exactly has he been tested for if he is regularly having these episodes ?

Trying to unpick this.

• Previous medical assessments have not uncovered any reason why his reaction to a cold is much more severe that normal.

• He has a history from childhood of extreme reactions to ill health courtesy of his mother.

• The situation from a family perspective is untenable. He's risking his employment. The children don't/can't be around him when he is poorly and have to leave the family home. The OP has to sleep on the sofa.

I'm reluctant to simply dismiss this as "man flu". There is something else happening here. We are way beyond a person putting on the dressing gown of doom, the pj's of pity or the shuffling slippers of sorrow.

He either has an undiagnosed physical or mental health condition.

Either way, as an adult it's his responsibility (especially in light of the family impact) to get this addressed at the point he is well.

The rinse and repeat of A&E requests when he is unwell is pointless.

He needs to take responsibility for his health by visiting the GP and being candid about what is happening. Ideally if this was my DH I would want to be at the appointment to make sure the GP had all the facts (the childhood history, family impact, the results of previous medical investigations, the severity of his response).

There is no point anyone on here trying to diagnose the DH.

We tend to put a lot of faith in medicine/doctors but there are absolutely circumstances where a person's condition has been misdiagnosed or assumed to be a result of mental health issues. We have no way of knowing if that's a possibility here.

For example, buying multiple thermometers may sound odd, but if you were experiencing massive bodily heat spikes that a thermometer didn't register what would you do? It's not necessarily an irrational act.

So the only advice to give is that for me personally I'd be at the point of this being a dealbreaker unless he accepts this is not normal and gets help and is candid with the GP.

Clearly some intervention is needed, what form that takes is not.

I’m wondering about some type of neuropathy or hyperalgesia - that would fit the ‘burning’ feeling but other than that, I can only think of perhaps he’s super sensory sensitive and if your son is autistic, maybe your DH is? However that wouldn’t tend to be only when he has a cold - he’s be sensory averse all the time, albeit some time worse than others.

Or this?…..

‘What is the difference between illness anxiety disorder and somatic symptom disorder?Someone with somatic symptom disorder may obsess and worry about their health — just like someone with illness anxiety disorder. A person with somatic symptom disorder has true physical symptoms. But medical tests can’t pinpoint a cause for the physical symptom.’

Apologies super long post…

To be honest it makes me pretty sad to hear most peoples reaction to this. It’s a really lonely and miserable life living with intense pain and or sickness and then dealing with everyone’s disbelief and lack of compassion on top. I really hope most of you don’t have to experience it.

Try and be kind.. Some illnesses are hidden, some people don’t ‘look’ sick, some are incredibly hard to diagnose and the NHS, sadly, just isn’t really set up for these kinds of problems. Injuries and illnesses that are common are easily and relatively quickly diagnosed. But those that are not… are a whole different story. For some people they can be stuck in a battle of pain that takes decades to put a name too and they face a long fight of continually calling for appointments and pushing for referrals. Added to that as the journey continues peoples sympathy dissipates. Ladies putting yourself in the shoes of others goes a long way. Imagine if this was you.. every time you go anywhere or you or your kids do anything.. you get sick and you physically feel like your dying, (if he feels like he needs A and E he must feel pretty bad) but the doctors keep telling you everything is fine every test comes back fine and everyone tells you just to get on with it… But still you face the same cycle with agonising pain that makes you thrash about and it just keeps happening again and again over and over with no answer. Sounds horrific..

Op whether there is a physical cause / illness or not your partner is clearly suffering. Nobody wants to be in pain, repeatedly, very few people would ‘choose’ to have their life constantly interrupted and inconvenienced, as I’m sure he’s not having fun himself during these times! by their body or brain not working the way it should. To be honest It sounds to me like your partner has fibromyalgia. As several other pp have suggested. Or some other pain processing disorder. Whatever it is it is very unlikely to be a choice or something he can just suck up or wouldn’t he being doing that already? Pain is a very personal thing who are we to invalidate anyones pain. Even if the root cause is mental health, mental health CAN cause physical symptoms. You also mention his sister suffers from it, no two people experience fibromyalgia the same. Although her pain is not severe and is constant they could very well be experiencing the same issue but with different manifesting symptoms. My best friend and I also suffer from fibro among other things. It affects us differently, she suffers with low constant pain and constant fatigue I suffer with extreme pain in bouts of days, weeks or months with manageable but constant pain otherwise. We both suffer with getting constant colds and illness which trigger more pain, We don’t thrash about or scream though! 😂 That would be silly as that would make the pain worse! I think there are around 200 + symptoms and linked conditions associated with fibro so you can imagine the myriad of symptoms you can experience. It’s a very odd, frustrating and inconvenient syndrome!!

Sorry OP let me get back to the point, firstly I think just in case right now is different than any other you should call 111 and see what they advise based on your partners symptoms right now. that way you can validate your partners feelings and get a medical opinion on what is best. Personally though even as a chronic pain sufferer i wouldn’t advise going to A&E unless you really really have too. The thing is A&E is accident and emergency. Meaning they can help accidents and emergencies, unfortunately Although your partner feels very unwell, this is an ongoing issue. Has he visited A&E for it before? They are unlikely to help very much. That is, if this is like those other times and there is no clear ‘new’ cause. The most they will be able to do after no doubt a very long wait will be to give pain relief and keep him in overnight for observation. Then they are likely to discharge back to the gp in the morning.

For future I suggest you and your partner start to build a ‘flare up’ box a box of items that can help reduce your partners pain during these times and thus hopefully your pain! This can be paracetamol, prescription pain meds (he needs to talk to his doctor about what medication could help the pain he is experiencing) hot drink sachets, heat pads, hot water bottle, hand held massagers to relieve muscle aches, sports tape can also help that too, topical pain reliving cream or rubs, Treats he likes etc. try and suggest items that are suitable for him, to improve the situation for you both and also he needs to go back to his gp and ask for referrals, I would suggest a rheumatologist, - fibro / colds could be impacting him due to an autoimmune condition and possibly a neurologist - could the pain be nerve related? And if the pain is truly affecting him considerably and it is having an impact on your families daily life then the pain clinic at your local hospital may be able to help as they will be able to give a multi pronged approach, advise medication and arrange both physical and mental health therapies.

wishing you both the best of luck x

Poor you.
My husband is a bit pathetic with a cold but nothing on this scale.
I wouldn’t take him to ED.
Could you give him the phone and ask him to phone NHS direct.
Its hard with these people because they often have poor insight in how it affects everyone else and they don’t make the connection between the childhood experience going to the doctor and their behaviour as adults.
Next time you have a cold OP do exactly the same! Go to bed, scream and carry on, demand food and refuse to do housework and manage the children!

Is his thyroid ok? I have a relative who always used to moan that they were burning up and had severe throat pain after going out for the day- never any fever, never any throat issue. But they had hyperthyroid and it made them feel hot and in pain without it actually having produced a fever.

I also have a friend with MS who says she thinks she's got severe fevers sometimes because of how she feels but she's actually normal temperature.

That said, I know far more men who are always The Most Unwell Anyone Has Ever Been with just a minor cold.

This was what I was thinking....Somatoform Disorder (SD). The difference between this and health anxiety or psychosomatic illness is that with Somatoform the person actually physically feels the symptoms. Physical manifestation of imaginary illness/pain or a true physical exaggeration of minor illness.

His mother's apparent 'paranoia' over her children's illnesses could definitely be a factor in this, although SD is much more complex than that.

Honestly, he needs referral to a psychiatrist, but I'm sure he'd never agree.

Autism. With mega sensory issues.

He gets sick all the time because his cortisol levels are so high due to stress because he has no strategies to deal.

Ties in with the situation getting worse since you had kids (increased stress).

Very often autistics have autoimmune issues, frequent sickness, fibromyalgia like his sister has etc etc.

Does he have the flu jab every year? I find that helps me to not catch everything going.