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Original poster

DH wants me to take him to A and E because he feels so ill

190 replies

jazzyfazzy766 · 14/05/2023 21:19

My DH always seems to be ill. He is 48 and quite fit but as soon as you put him in a pub, theatre, cinema, church, train or bus - he gets ill with a cold cough sore throat etc but it is always 100 times worse than when anyone else gets a cold and lasts for weeks - ( his car went for a service end of week before last and he got the bus back) - next day he came down with a cold - he screams in pain and panics and shivers like mad moaning he is really hot but he never has a temperature. He has even bought 3 different thermometers now coz he thinks they are broken. Twice before he has been admitted to hospital coz he has walked in the Dr's bent over double crying with pain so docs have thought he had pneumonia or quinsy. Both times he has been admitted to a ward and had tests which have come back clear and told he has a cold- he is upstairs screaming in pain saying he is burning up temp is 36.8 ( so no fever) and demanding I take him to A and E now. He saw Dr on Friday who said it is a cold no chest infection or tonsillitis. WwYD? Without a high temp I really honestly think it is just a cold - this prob happens 4 - 5 times a year and I think he spends more time being ill than well. During lockdown was the healthiest he has ever been! Should I take him. 111 said no temp it is nothing serious .

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 14/05/2023 22:24

TomatoSandwiches · 14/05/2023 21:32

Good grief no, he can make his own way or cut out the dramatics, how do you stand this?
He needs help or one day he will be the boy who cried wolf.

This!

TableTime99 · 14/05/2023 22:24

Pinkplasticbathcup · 14/05/2023 22:15

This is interesting. I’ve just looked it up. Thermal allodynia might fit PP’s husband. Slight rise in temp with the cold (not ‘a’ temperature, but hotter than normal) and he’s in terrible pain.

Sounds awful @TableTime99, I’m sorry!

Show quote history

It doesn't sound like what OPs husband is describing mainly because allodynia causes skin pain and the last thing you'd do is thrash around when you have it as this would make it 100x worse (I would try and lay as still as I could or spend prolonged periods stood up or sat as far on the edge of a chair as possible with my head on a table to sleep). But my point was that it could be something physical so that needs to be ruled out before labelling it as psychosomatic.

Eggpie · 14/05/2023 22:24

@bellac11 well yes! If you don’t have a mental health issue then you’d be mortified that the person youve just started dating as well as other medical professionals such as doctors and nurses, saw you screaming and rolling around over a cold. Any person of sound mind would be embarrassed to be so dramatic and saying they’re in agony with a high temp, getting admitted onto a ward only for it to be proven that they have no temperature and no illness other than a cold.

The minute you were well again you’d be like ‘what the actual fuck was I doing?!’

If you don’t feel any embarrassment at all despite it being proven that you don’t have a temperature or any illness and go on to do it again and again, then you clearly have a mental health issue that becomes a psychosis whenever you feel slightly Ill.

This is just common sense.

SwordToFlamethrower · 14/05/2023 22:25

Jesus christ, man flu exists!! Poor baby

Twilight7777 · 14/05/2023 22:26

Sounds like severe health anxiety or even one up - manship like you have a cold so they have to be dying.

YukoandHiro · 14/05/2023 22:26

Screaming in pain with what exactly... what is supposed to be hurting?

Jellycats4life · 14/05/2023 22:28

Since you have an autistic child it doesn’t take a genius to work out which of you has the autism gene (I say this kindly, I have autistic kids and I’m late diagnosed, husband undiagnosed).

Sounds like from a sensory point of view he can’t tolerate feeling unwell. High anxiety is a very autistic trait. Also interception - not being able to interpret inner body sensations. The screaming and thrashing sounds like a meltdown.

I don’t know how you cope with it. Equally, I doubt he’s ever going to change - this is just how he is.

Blinky21 · 14/05/2023 22:29

The responses on this thread are pretty harsh. This doesn't sound normal and I would assume he has an underlying mental or physical condition, maybe fibromyalgia. I think you need to convince him to seek help for whatever it is

SpecialControlGroup · 14/05/2023 22:29

Jeez he sounds like a major drama llama, but it sounds like his mum drummed it into them that a minor cold is a major medical emergency. How is he when the kids or you get colds? Perhaps he needs to see someone to unpick why he gets so distressed

StrugglingWeight · 14/05/2023 22:29

Can he articulate why he thinks he needs A&E?

Screaming in pain is not normal, that's beyond extreme man flu, or health anxiety. I don't want to belittle it as him being a drama queen, he needs to see a doctor. It maybe some form of health anxiety, it maybe he is hypersensitive in some way. Or maybe he is actually unwell today. It's impossible to say.

It maybe worth considering A&E today if he can give you a reason and then having a serious conversation when he's better if it turns out to be nothing. It gives a focal point to talk about. Why that happened. I'd be genuinely very worried if my DH behaved like this over a cold

TomatoSandwiches · 14/05/2023 22:29

It's either he is in genuine pain and there is a neurological issue or he has a learned reaction from his formative years.

The problem I would have in your shoes op is that if I was your husband I would be quite desperate to get to the bottom of why I felt so ill with so much pain I was screaming yet no one at any hospital admission could provide a reason why, if I were genuine I would insist further testing, especially since in comparison no one else reacts the way he does with apparently the same illness.

HakunaMatatty · 14/05/2023 22:30

It's a hard one OP. Sounds like classic health anxiety which is terrifying for the sufferer and equally frustrating for those close to them, but the problem with this is everyone just assumes any ailment is due to anxiety (little boy who cried wolf). Someone close to me who suffers from HA has been genuinely, seriously unwell on 3 occasions (twice requiring surgery) but their concerns were initially dismissed due to their history. I always err on the side of caution and follow a "better safe than sorry" approach. That said, if it is confirmed to be nothing more than the common cold then he really needs to speak to his GP about a treatment plan for his anxiety as it will take over both of your lives if left untreated.

bellac11 · 14/05/2023 22:30

TableTime99 · 14/05/2023 22:06

He needs to go to his GP and discuss what has been going on and for what time period. Could be physical, could be psychological. We don't know. There are disorders that can cause extreme pain. I have allodynia, always have done, always was told I was a drama queen when I had a cold and would be paralysed with pain on my skin. It wasn't until a GP picked up on it and I was given medication to take when it was bad that my symptoms were relieved. It absolutely could be psychosomatic but he needs to speak to a medical professional about the whole issue, not just whenever it arises.

Absolutely this.

The client we have at work with the condition that I cant remember the name of, was dismissed over and over by medical staff as this being 'health anxiety'. And as others have pointed out in the thread, this client has autism, we were told there is a high co morbidity for this. He is now waiting for a neurological appiontment.

So be prepared to push OP as GPs will fob this off.

huggiewuggie · 14/05/2023 22:31

"he seems to still pick lots up and every time we can pinpoint where he it got it from but an almost 50 yr old man surely should not pick up a cold and be this severely hit everytime he goes in a pub theatre or on a train."

This really sound psychosomatic to me, given what you've written here. It's like he caught the bus then immediately worked himself up to a frenzy as he'd already decided it would make him ill.

Nothing else makes sense. People can't 'pinpoint' where they get an illness from every time. He's got issues and he needs to see his behaviour for what it is.

blahblahblah1654 · 14/05/2023 22:31

That's not normal. He definitely needs to see a therapist. It must be a terrible atmosphere for your children to be around.

SwordToFlamethrower · 14/05/2023 22:32

Sounds like fibromyalgia though 🤔

bellac11 · 14/05/2023 22:34

Eggpie · 14/05/2023 22:24

@bellac11 well yes! If you don’t have a mental health issue then you’d be mortified that the person youve just started dating as well as other medical professionals such as doctors and nurses, saw you screaming and rolling around over a cold. Any person of sound mind would be embarrassed to be so dramatic and saying they’re in agony with a high temp, getting admitted onto a ward only for it to be proven that they have no temperature and no illness other than a cold.

The minute you were well again you’d be like ‘what the actual fuck was I doing?!’

If you don’t feel any embarrassment at all despite it being proven that you don’t have a temperature or any illness and go on to do it again and again, then you clearly have a mental health issue that becomes a psychosis whenever you feel slightly Ill.

This is just common sense.

You stated confidently that it was clearly a MH issue

You also asked if he was embarrassed.

People who are mentally ill (if indeed he is), dont need to be embarrassed by their symptoms, they suffer enough stigma as it is.

Someone doesnt have to be in psychosis (do you even know what that means) to suffer extreme pain via a MH issue but we dont know what is wrong with this person. He needs to see a GP and push push push for referrals to the right pathways, there are lots of disorders which could prompt the pain he feels. On the other hand it may well be a MH disorder which will also need treatment - again not the GP's expertise and he'll probably be fobbed off with standard SSRIs with no further referral to any MH team.

SwordToFlamethrower · 14/05/2023 22:35

I'd conduct a little experiment... tell him you got some really strong pain killers. Dyhydrocodeine or something... but give him a sugar pill. See if his pain fades.

HouseMoveCollyWobbles · 14/05/2023 22:35

Does he actually have any cold symptoms OP? Or is he just convinced he has one after using public transport?

Not at all helpful but I really don't understand how you and the family put up with this Sad. There is clearly something going on so it sounds very harsh but I could not live with this. Big sympathy for you, sounds awful.

Eyesopenwideawake · 14/05/2023 22:38

When he was little apparently according to his older brother they were constantly at the doctors and never at school as his mum thought they always had something wrong with them.

It may have been the attention he got from from his mother or the learned fear of illness but there's the root cause.

StrugglingWeight · 14/05/2023 22:39

SwordToFlamethrower · 14/05/2023 22:35

I'd conduct a little experiment... tell him you got some really strong pain killers. Dyhydrocodeine or something... but give him a sugar pill. See if his pain fades.

Thing is though psychosomatic pain isn't as simple as this

Just because something is psychosomatic doesn't mean it's something a person can control, or something that they are pretending

A fake pill may help someone who's pain is 'in their head', but that doesn't make their pain not real. Pain is really complex

Writhing around, screaming in pain is not normal. That's beyond normal attention seeking behaviour. And I don't think it should be dismissed as man flu. Either something is making him be in so much pain, or he has some MH issue making him feel like this. But that's not just dressing down of doom manflu.

Eggpie · 14/05/2023 22:39

@bellac11 What don’t you understand?

This is not a normal reaction he is having, hence the post. So therefore as his physical symptoms are ruled out when he seeks medical attention, then it’s clearly mental health.

I say psychosis because he obviously loses touch with reality to have such extreme reactions to the point of screaming and his kids having to vacate their home and his wife sleep downstairs.
He obviously thinks his reaction is appropriate to how he is feeling. But the physical has been ruled out so he’s not in touch with the reality of his situation.

The definition of psychosis:

Psychosis is where you see or hear things that are not there (hallucinations) or believe things that are not true (delusions).

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 14/05/2023 22:40

What do you mean you can pinpoint where he caught a virus? Is it that someone he was with gets ill, or just that he queued in the bank on Tuesday and says he's ill on Thursday?

Does anyone else in the house ever catch these viruses from him?

Seems alarmingly regular to be getting ill, even without the way he reacts to it. Is he definitely actually ill, not imagining it just because he's been somewhere crowded?

billybear · 14/05/2023 22:41

man flu,he sounds a right drama queen,is he the one that thinks he is ill, but if you are ill he gets it worse,you are expected to just carry on ill or not,think he needs doctor for mental support

Toomanylatenightprogs · 14/05/2023 22:46

jazzyfazzy766 · 14/05/2023 21:48

There are a couple of things that jump out at me. Our son is autistic and DH definitely shows traits and his sister suffers from fibromyalgia so wonder if could be that but she says the pain is constant not just when she has a cold and the pain is not severe like he seems to get. When he was little apparently according to his older brother they were constantly at the doctors and never at school as his mum thought they always had something wrong with them.

You’ve got your answer right there.
His mother convinced him he’s always ill. He got attention when he was “ill” and the reward of being kept off school.
He needs psychological help and to learn strategies to cope when he has a cold.