DH wants me to take him to A and E because he feels so ill

[jazzyfazzy766]

My DH always seems to be ill. He is 48 and quite fit but as soon as you put him in a pub, theatre, cinema, church, train or bus - he gets ill with a cold cough sore throat etc but it is always 100 times worse than when anyone else gets a cold and lasts for weeks - ( his car went for a service end of week before last and he got the bus back) - next day he came down with a cold - he screams in pain and panics and shivers like mad moaning he is really hot but he never has a temperature. He has even bought 3 different thermometers now coz he thinks they are broken. Twice before he has been admitted to hospital coz he has walked in the Dr's bent over double crying with pain so docs have thought he had pneumonia or quinsy. Both times he has been admitted to a ward and had tests which have come back clear and told he has a cold- he is upstairs screaming in pain saying he is burning up temp is 36.8 ( so no fever) and demanding I take him to A and E now. He saw Dr on Friday who said it is a cold no chest infection or tonsillitis. WwYD? Without a high temp I really honestly think it is just a cold - this prob happens 4 - 5 times a year and I think he spends more time being ill than well. During lockdown was the healthiest he has ever been! Should I take him. 111 said no temp it is nothing serious .

If his sister has fibro then you're right, it could be something like that (or at least that his pain threshold is that way.) It's not always the same level of pain, people have flare ups. I also knew someone who had CFS and it was like she had a permanent cold. Some things do not meet the criteria for a full/typical diagnosis of anything but can still be disabling. I imagine it's quite difficult to deal with as his wife.

@Eggpie having a wrong/excessive opinion of what's going on isn't usually considered psychosis as such; psychologically he's 'just' got a wrong belief and an excessive reaction.

PP's are right that his childhood experiences of 'illness' might have something to do with it.

This is the patting and stroking Dh? Very weird sensory issues and he needs a psychologist. I have no idea how you’ve coped with this, how did you not get the ick in mere days rather than marry him?? Does he even realise any of this is not normal? When you think of growing old with him does your heart sink?

I agree @Sarahsls. My MIL had congenitally twisted arteries, but, in the years it took for her to get a diagnosis, she had to put up with everyone, including the doctors, thinking that she had a psychological problem (which isn't taken seriously either but rather is treated as an excuse for accusing the patient of malingering).

You would think that because this has happened so many times but he has clearly recovered from each bout, when it happens again he would know that he just has to ride it out rather than go to A & E.

It sounds like his mother has engendered this in him. He probably is genuinely feeling it but as a result of his suggestibility but I would insist he be seen by his GP as it sounds like he is genuinely suffering even if it is 90% psychosomatic.

It might be worth seeing a rheumatologist.

Maybe try to increase his immunity. I found that by sprouting my own beans, seeds, lentils etc. and making green smoothies, I have really affected the way I am able to shrug off colds or not even catch them at all when everyone else around me seems to suffer.

I meant to add that it sounds like thermal allodynia caused by the slight raise in temperature that comes with a cold.

It's related to fibromyalgia.

Oh boy @jazzyfazzy766 I’d drop him there and tell him the risk of infection was too high for me & the kids and let him wait it out like a big boy.

I have to be honest, I'm struggling a bit to move past my initial reaction of "how utterly pathetic [of him]" which I feel guilty about because I have a couple of so-called invisible illnesses, but they do make me a little impatient with apparent health-drama queens.

Like so many others, his childhood and possible neurodivergence jumped out at me. In fact, they each crossed my mind before I got to the bit where you mentioned them. And if the latter then sensory issues may well mean the discomfort he experiences is very real.

Regardless of whether there is legitimately something physical going on - neurologically or not - he needs to learn coping & management techniques ASAP. Therapy will help with this.

As an adult who grew up with intensely painful conditions, I expect other adults to adopt coping strategies. It's one thing to suffer, it's another not to take any responsibility for living with it.

However, as others have pointed out, you both need to be sure there's nothing else going on which can be treated.

I wonder how much is a physiological stress response. He's not alone in coming down with something every holiday or catching everything the children have. Men at work almost invariably become constantly ill when they have infants and most people who work full time end up with gasping immune systems come holiday time.

So, in addition to the above, get him doing some mediation or breathwork daily. Just 5 minutes - or even 3x a week and build up. General health improvements - exercise, diet, fresh air and quality sleep. Vitamins. Check for deficiencies and take a good multi vitamin. This will all help his immunity and make him less vulnerable to pain.

Oh and if nothing else, get him to download Curable. It's brilliant for chronic pain suffers and genuinely makes a big difference,I think it could really help him.

It won't solve the current situation but can you encourage him when out and about to wear a good quality mask. I am not in the UK and we probably had less covid deaths in my country but my husband and I are not young and we had quite a bad bout of it. We are very keen to avoid it if possible, despite being triple boosted, and we do wear a mask for shopping and general going out and we certainly would if we took public transport. I don't actually wear one for work though I do in work lifts. One of my colleagues who does have a heart conditions wears one to work. After all doctors and dentists have to wear them all day. If he took to mask wearing, this should cut down the number of colds he gets at least.

I don't know about the pain issue but I wouldn't like to dismiss it out of hand - none of us knows how someone else is feeling. I agree it warrants further investigation with the GP.

I have a DC who picks up absolutely every virus going round. She's had various blood tests which show nothing. Interesting that this can sometimes correlate with ASD as we have this in the family and I have wondered before.

Also, is there a possibility your DH is hypermobile? This can lead to pain and is sometimes associated with weakened immunity. My DC is hypermobile so I've looked into this. Can also be over-represented in those with ASD.

I feel for you because I know this must be really hard for you. However, the point of departure has to be that the pain and anxiety is real. Your DH must genuinely believe something might be seriously wrong if he wants to go to A & E. No one wants to sit for hours there.
Something is clearly very wrong with him. He's had tests to rule out anything serious but either there is something they are missing or this is psychological - but just because it's psychological doesn't mean it's not real and that he's not suffering.
Try and muster up as much sympathy as you can. I'd point out to your DH that A&E is the worst place when you feel ill unless you really need treatment. Try and make an appointment with your GP to find out what the problem is - because there IS a problem and your DH - and all the family - deserves further investigation to find out what it is.

I think this is really important advice @jazzyfazzy766

Agreed

But do painkillers/NSAIDs help him at all? If it is a physical condition/reaction then they should at least take the edge off. If those don’t work then the problem is elsewhere (neurological pain or psychosomatic). Also what is his usual body temp when not sick?
My usual temp is around 35.5 which is considered lower end of the norm and I am very miserable when feverish. Can never “let fever run its course blah blah let body fight the infection” and need to break fever asap even if it is just 37-37.2.

Could he have acute sinusitis. A recuurrent streaming nose and extreme pain which can move around face and head, giving hot flashes of fever. It’s blooming awful.

I know that many people have negative opinions about homeopathy but this is something that homeopathy could help with, acute remedies for his symptoms, mental and emotional support for the way in which he reacts to the symptoms and constitutional support to help his apparent susceptibility to frequent illness. I will leave it there.. those who disagree with my suggestion, please try not to derail the thread. Happy to discuss in PM if required.

What happens when he gets no attention or pandering to it? Does it ramp up?

I'd leave cold and flu meds, water and lucozade etc on the nightstand and leave him to it.

Also, what's this nonsense about he expects an hour of stroking, kissing and cuddling? Is that when he's ill or every night?

I don't think I could stay married to this, Jesus Christ.

I simply cannot imagine being married to this man...I'm not dismissing MH problems, but this sounds exhausting! And add to the mix the 'stroking and patting for an hour before bed'...well, my vagina just shrivelled! I'm now imagining a great man-child, curled up in unattractive PJs, sucking his thumb and making little noises, whilst 'mummy-surrogate' strokes him off to sleep 🤢🥴

OP...you have maybe another 40 years of this!!! Is this how you see your life going????

Does he ever take his temperature when he's feeling well? When I was a child I used to run at a baseline of about 35.8°c, so when I had a 'fever' the thermometer showed a normal temperature of 37°c but it was high for me. It could be that he's feeling the increase in temperature despite it being an objectively 'normal' temperature.

I don't think this is man flu at all, by the way. I think your DH is really genuinely struggling to process his symptoms.

How can you stand it, OP?

He needs mental health support. Screaming and thrashing over a cold?

And maybe a multivitamin and probiotic.

there is something physical or mental for sure and it needs to be investigated. PPs mentioned a lot of things which might be at play there. I wonder how seriously he was investigated before. I suspect not as the current system is not very imaginative and checks only for basic things.
I would take him to A&E ( but wouldn’t wait there because you need some rest as well) and I would go to GP with him to push for investigation. At least because GP should be aware how the situation looks from outside and how it affects you and children.
Could you go privately?

Its interesting that someone who has such an ineffective immune system that they easily catch so many horrific colds, managed to avoid Covid when others in the household had it, given they are both spread in a similar fashion.

The trouble is you never know if 'this time' it really is something serious. If he's been in that much pain all through the weekend I would take him to A&E, at least he would get some serious pain relief even if they can't figure out why he is in so much pain. He must also be physically exhausted by now, is he eating anything?