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Original poster

DH wants me to take him to A and E because he feels so ill

190 replies

jazzyfazzy766 · 14/05/2023 21:19

My DH always seems to be ill. He is 48 and quite fit but as soon as you put him in a pub, theatre, cinema, church, train or bus - he gets ill with a cold cough sore throat etc but it is always 100 times worse than when anyone else gets a cold and lasts for weeks - ( his car went for a service end of week before last and he got the bus back) - next day he came down with a cold - he screams in pain and panics and shivers like mad moaning he is really hot but he never has a temperature. He has even bought 3 different thermometers now coz he thinks they are broken. Twice before he has been admitted to hospital coz he has walked in the Dr's bent over double crying with pain so docs have thought he had pneumonia or quinsy. Both times he has been admitted to a ward and had tests which have come back clear and told he has a cold- he is upstairs screaming in pain saying he is burning up temp is 36.8 ( so no fever) and demanding I take him to A and E now. He saw Dr on Friday who said it is a cold no chest infection or tonsillitis. WwYD? Without a high temp I really honestly think it is just a cold - this prob happens 4 - 5 times a year and I think he spends more time being ill than well. During lockdown was the healthiest he has ever been! Should I take him. 111 said no temp it is nothing serious .

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/05/2023 21:43

Hmm Let him take himself then; he can sit and wait for hours wasting resources on a cold. Or he can behave like a grown up and go and talk to his GP tomorrow and get some help with his mental health. This is not normal behaviour

AluckyEllie · 14/05/2023 21:45

Jesus how do you stay married to him. Imagine when your kids are grown and it’s just the two of you with him wailing and acting like a tit. Does he do it in front of other people? Does he take lots of sick days from work?

Sunnysideup999 · 14/05/2023 21:46

Take his temp, oxygen levels (can get a sat monitor from the chemist), blood pressure and pulse. Urine dip stick if you need to.
if all these are normal then tell him there is nothing A and E would really do - except perhaps refer him back to GP.
And he would have a long miserable wait in A and E.

Hbh17 · 14/05/2023 21:47

Not an accident.
Not an emergency.
Sounds psychosomatic.
Or he just needs to grow up.

Eggpie · 14/05/2023 21:47

its like he’s suffering psychosis when ill.
he clearly has mental health issues.

after the first time you witnessed this didn’t you have a discussion about it? Isn’t he aware this is not normal?
is he not embarrassed?

if my DP did this within a month of us dating I would have run for the hills and blocked/deleted him. The fact you didn’t is even weirder!

SecretVictoria · 14/05/2023 21:48

How and why on earth do you put up with this? I’d have been out the door as soon as he started his RADA audition for “man with cold”.

Original poster
jazzyfazzy766 · 14/05/2023 21:48

There are a couple of things that jump out at me. Our son is autistic and DH definitely shows traits and his sister suffers from fibromyalgia so wonder if could be that but she says the pain is constant not just when she has a cold and the pain is not severe like he seems to get. When he was little apparently according to his older brother they were constantly at the doctors and never at school as his mum thought they always had something wrong with them.

OP posts:
Todayiamlexie · 14/05/2023 21:48

What's he like when he's not ill?

My stbxh is like this with illness. He's been known to phone an ambulance for a cold before because I wouldn't come home from work.

In his case, there is a lot more going on in his head. Everything is a drama, everything has to be about him.

Gardenerboo · 14/05/2023 21:50

@Eggpie Exactly my thoughts!
Couldn’t deal with this.
Has he ever had anything worse than a cold? How did he react to that?

Calmdown14 · 14/05/2023 21:51

Is it definitely colds he is getting? Maybe you could give him an antihistamine in case it's more of an allergy.

But either way it feels dramatic and screaming is not how real pain is usually expressed unless it's the short sharp leg break kind. I've seen perforated bowel and in need of immediate surgery back pain. It's tight faced, grey in colour, quiet because it's so all consuming. Usually still rather than rolling around because movement hurts.

Oubliette86 · 14/05/2023 21:52

Does your DH come into contact with chemicals by any chance? Or is he regularly in an environment where they could be present?

This sounds like my uncle, he had cold / flu like symptoms & would be in complete agony with nerve pain but would then suddenly make a miraculous recovery; all hospital tests were coming back negative. Turns out he was unknowingly coming into contact with chemicals during his hobby which were poisoning him!

bellac11 · 14/05/2023 21:53

Eggpie · 14/05/2023 21:47

its like he’s suffering psychosis when ill.
he clearly has mental health issues.

after the first time you witnessed this didn’t you have a discussion about it? Isn’t he aware this is not normal?
is he not embarrassed?

if my DP did this within a month of us dating I would have run for the hills and blocked/deleted him. The fact you didn’t is even weirder!

Im concerned by this post

You say he 'clearly has mental health issues'

But then go on to ask 'is he not embarrassed'

Why would someone who suffers mental ill health be embarrassed about their symptoms, do you think he should be embarrassed?

Of course no one here knows whether this is mental health issue or whether there is a neurological issue going on.

pilates · 14/05/2023 21:55

No I wouldn’t

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 21:59

Factitious disorder?
If his mother was always taking him to the doctor's maybe that's how he feels important.
Does he like getting pain killers?
Does he take a lot of medication?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 14/05/2023 22:02

Has the dressing gown of doom come out?

Original poster
jazzyfazzy766 · 14/05/2023 22:03

When I first met him pre kids he wasn't too bad - colds always got him but he didn't get 7 or 8 a year like he seems to now. I thought the first time I witnessed it was just a very bad case of man flu - and surely he wouldn't always be like that and maybe he would get 2 or 3 a year but as time has gone on he picks up more and we put that down to having kids and going to places where they are lots of kids. Kids are older now but he seems to still pick lots up and every time we can pinpoint where he it got it from but an almost 50 yr old man surely should not pick up a cold and be this severely hit everytime he goes in a pub theatre or on a train.

When he is well he is a strong and able to work on his cars ,he can shift furniture and run and cycle but because he picks so much up he is less able to do all of these things like he used to. As I said he was so healthly during lockdown and he has never as yet had covid - which is really odd because I have had it once and the kids twice and he never got it!! None of it really makes any sense.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 14/05/2023 22:05

I'd leave him to it OP, if he would like to take his not an accident /emergency to A&E then he's welcome but it won't be you that's driving him there.

Something is absolutely amiss, screaming and thrashing ito the point that family can't bear to be in the house isn't a reasonable reaction to a common cold. However it doesn't need to be you who works out what the cause is, that's his responsibility.

TableTime99 · 14/05/2023 22:06

He needs to go to his GP and discuss what has been going on and for what time period. Could be physical, could be psychological. We don't know. There are disorders that can cause extreme pain. I have allodynia, always have done, always was told I was a drama queen when I had a cold and would be paralysed with pain on my skin. It wasn't until a GP picked up on it and I was given medication to take when it was bad that my symptoms were relieved. It absolutely could be psychosomatic but he needs to speak to a medical professional about the whole issue, not just whenever it arises.

Pinkplasticbathcup · 14/05/2023 22:15

TableTime99 · 14/05/2023 22:06

He needs to go to his GP and discuss what has been going on and for what time period. Could be physical, could be psychological. We don't know. There are disorders that can cause extreme pain. I have allodynia, always have done, always was told I was a drama queen when I had a cold and would be paralysed with pain on my skin. It wasn't until a GP picked up on it and I was given medication to take when it was bad that my symptoms were relieved. It absolutely could be psychosomatic but he needs to speak to a medical professional about the whole issue, not just whenever it arises.

This is interesting. I’ve just looked it up. Thermal allodynia might fit PP’s husband. Slight rise in temp with the cold (not ‘a’ temperature, but hotter than normal) and he’s in terrible pain.

Sounds awful @TableTime99, I’m sorry!

Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife · 14/05/2023 22:17

How does he react when you get sick?

Beseen22 · 14/05/2023 22:17

Definitely needs to speak to a doctor. Would hate to suggest it's anxiety related because we can't see him in front of us but this sounds fairly similar to my DH when he began having panic attacks. He made me check his BP and o2 sats constantly. I was terrified that he would get a cold because it would set him into a blind panic and if I'm honest he became completely obsessed with how he was feeling which meant he was not much help as a spouse or parent. He called an ambulance and went to multiple GP appointments and became unable to drive because he was just so sure he was going to die suddenly. He started on an anti anxiety med, daily swimming and therapy and he's night and day from that time.

Can your DH describe where the pain is? Has he tried cocodamol? Is he drinking well and passing urine?

Grimbelina · 14/05/2023 22:20

Turtletotem I wondered if neurodiverse too as I know people with ASD who can behave like this and some who seem to have immune issues and are always getting ill. Sometimes hard to separate this from autistic burnout too.

Bluebells1970 · 14/05/2023 22:21

The fact that your DC have had to sleep elsewhere all weekend and that you have to sleep on the sofa is horrendous, OP.

DH has got health anxiety, and I think I've probably pandered to it for many years for the sake of peace. But when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer last September, and was actually dying, my patience with DH evaporated overnight. His asking if cancer was contagious was a spectacularly low point. Now he gets no response from me at all, I just repeat over and over that I'm not medically trained and therefore can't diagnose him.

ThereIsAnEchoInHere · 14/05/2023 22:22

When he was little apparently according to his older brother they were constantly at the doctors and never at school as his mum thought they always had something wrong with them.

Sounds like he’s been trained by his DM that when he’s the slightest bit poorly there is something seriously wrong and he needs medical attention.
She probably lavished attention on him because he was a poorly boy, there’s no adult equivalent really.