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Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

999 replies

BrassicMonkey · 24/06/2007 21:00

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

OP posts:
imaginaryfriend · 29/06/2007 21:21

By the way BM I wouldn't care a bit if you were rude to me on here, I have a very thick skin. I remember how my dad changed when drunk. He went from being the most loving, intelligent, gentle man to being aggressive, angry and frequently humiliating.All water off a duck's back to me!

dandycandyjellybean · 29/06/2007 21:33

bm honey, you there? don't want to encourage you, but don't feel that you can't post if you have buckled under the pressure and had a drink, still post, coz we've all been there and can help. Some of us are still there! Will keep looking out for you. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

BrassicMonkey · 29/06/2007 21:46

Thanks IF. I'd be gutted if I looked back and thought I'd been rude to you though - I hope I haven't been.

The aggression thing is peculiar. I'm pretty highly strung anyway and I'm really missing the excuse drink gave me to express that. I spend so much time telling everyone 'it's fine, don't worry', 'no, I don't mind', 'I'm not angry', when really, deep down I'm bloody livid. I'm not talking about MN, I'm talking about the school run and conversations with family and friends.

I've been drinking today. I couldn't say it before. I got totally told off by the school receptionist this morning for being late for school. DS had a really unsettled night due to nightmares about plasters (he cut his hand yesterday and I had to put one on to stop him picking, but he's terrified). I probably got 4 hours sleep at the most and I woke up at 9am. Patronising cow at the school said 'I keep telling you to phone if you're going to be late'. She's never said that to me before and we're very, very, very rarely late - she must have me confused with someone else. I came out feeling really f*cking angry. If I'd have wasted time phoning this morning (and they never answer the bloody phone till lunch time anyway) we'd have been even later. I was fuming and going over it in my head, wishing that I'd said 'well, ACTUALLY I was too fucking tired and pissed off with DS to be calling you. All I wanted to do was get him to school and get home, you snotty cow'.

I apologised (I wish I hadn't) and came out feeling really stupid. She spoke to me like I was a child. I then took all my anger out on the wrong person and now I feel awful for it.

I got 'caught' going to the off-licence by one of the mums from school. It was pissing down with rain and she offered to shelter me under her umbrella. I think I might have been rude to her - I really hope I wasn't. How could I have come out with a bottle of vodka though?

OP posts:
BrassicMonkey · 29/06/2007 21:47

HI cubby - we cross posted. I wasn't ignoring you.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 29/06/2007 21:50

All the awful feelings will last longer the more you keep drinking.You really need AA more than you realise Please consider it xx

BrassicMonkey · 29/06/2007 21:52

I don't know where to start Noddy. I've got all this anxiety about walking in sober. It was ok before 'cos I had someone to go with but I'm shitting myself about going alone.

OP posts:
dandycandyjellybean · 29/06/2007 22:09

Brassic honey, please don't give yourself a hard time. Sounds like you had a totally shitty day. How much have you had? Do you feel as though you could stop now?

Try not to berate yourself, I was thinking so much about your situation today and came to the conclusion how unbelievably well you are doing to face your problem, given how little support you have. AA sounds like a good idea, although i totally get what you mean about going alone, I have to go everywhere by myself, coz my dh is disabled, and it gets very lonely, and pretty bloody scarey too. Shame we're not closer i'd come with you!

BrassicMonkey · 29/06/2007 22:22

I've drunk almost the whole bottle cubby. I was fucked earlier so I went in for a sleep. I didn't sleep, just layed on the bed trying to figure out whether I needed to wee, vomit or sleep - I decided that staying still was best. That SHOULD have been enough to stop me carrying on but I got up and cooked dinner so I could soak up more alcohol. I know I won't stop until the bottle is dry tonight. I feel sober now.

Sorry to hear your DH has a disabilty. I don't know how it is but I can sort of empathise because of DS's disability. If I could overcome the 'going alone' aspect to going to meetings then I'd have to face up to 'but it means that I can never have a guilt free, indulgent, piss-up again'. I knew this would happen this weekend. I wanted it to. I've missed being pissed so much but I'm still so bloody lonely.

OP posts:
dandycandyjellybean · 29/06/2007 22:30

Loneliness is just the most horrible thing isn't it bm? My dh had an accident when he was 29 and I was 23. Since then I have been living with an old man. I feel so much sympathy for him and his limitations that i often completely forget to have the same for myself! He hardly ever gets out (am going to a family reunion 2 hours away with just my ds this weekend, and and gutted that dh can't come with me, as was hoping the weather would be good, but all this rain has completely finished him off!) and so I am stuck in. It wasn't really until this week, when I've had a couple of completely drink free nights, and the rest are only a couple of drinks, very little alcohol compared to normal, that i realise that i drink, not coz i really like feeling drunk, just coz i kinda hate my life and being non compus mentus makes it okay! . My best mate is out tonight, with all our other mates at some Greek night, and this is typical. So i totally get lonely, even though i have a wonderful dh. He is so totally dependant on me that my life has ground to a halt just like his, and i hate it!!!! how do you deal with hating your life when you can't change it....i guess i drink. Anyway, just try not to think too much about today, and how much you wanted to get bolloxed (I can relate to that too...!!!) Just focus on tomorrow being another day to try. Hang in bm and keep posting. it's good to talk.

BrassicMonkey · 29/06/2007 22:40

Thanks cubby. The loneliness is a killer. I'm really sorry to hear about your DH's accident that left him disabled. I've no experience but I suppose it might be a bit like how I feel with DS - a bit cheated and gutted, but incredibly loyal and a bit neglected because of it. Sorry if that's bollox, I don't know how it must feel for you.

The most saddest thing tonight is that I've indulged without restriction. I bought the big bottle and I've drunk it. I don't feel better. I'm thinking slower and I'm glad that I'm not pestering people like I usually do, but I'm not having a good time. I'm even more aware of how lonely I am.

I know I'll regret all this tomorrow, so much so that I'll probably be at the off-licence by lunch time so I can fuel up again.

OP posts:
dandycandyjellybean · 29/06/2007 22:46

your description of lonliness is very poignant and accurate for me too. never mind what you did today, you can't change that sweetie, but is there anything that you can plan to do tomorrow to help prevent you from fueling up?

BrassicMonkey · 29/06/2007 22:55

Not really cubby. I don't 'do' things like other people do. I don't put the telly on or pick up the phone. I stopped doing it when drink took over and became 'better' than all that. I know I could put the telly on but it's like 'I don't even know what channel to put on', or 'what would I talk about without a bit of drink in me to get me started'. I've bottled it for so long that I don't know where to kick off from now. I was sober for nearly a month and it wasn't that hard but it felt like being dead. I couldn't relate to anything, I couldn't feel anything but agression and I couldn't find a way to move on. I was just stuck on 'recovering' and I ran out of reasons to want to keep on.

Tonight, I know I've upset people today and tomorrow I'll really regret it and I'll feel bad for it, but I didn't feel 'good' about anything when I was sober and I still felt like I fucked everything up anyway. I've got to a stage where I can commit to staying sober when DS is here, but I can't find a reason not to binge when he's at he's dad's.

OP posts:
dandycandyjellybean · 29/06/2007 23:09

See honey this is why you need some kind of therapy, and i hate to say it, but maybe AA is the way to go. I felt exactly the way you do for so, so long...like nothing else matters really, except when you can get to have a drink. but you know there are so many of us out there, just like that, and if you can find an aa group that you can feel happy in, i know that would help you. but until then, just keep posting. it's funny isn't it, when everything else in your life is just a precursor to when you will be having that lovely first drink - when you start on that road to feeling floaty and light, and for a while you just don't care what your life is like? i so relate to that. just keep posting.

BrassicMonkey · 29/06/2007 23:20

Thanks cubby. I feel like I've been really rude. I haven't even asked how you're doing.

I so much need a mate right now. Not an old friend who 'knows' the old me, but someone who won't judge or tell me off or say 'you're just like your dad/sister'. I don't want to live in this miserable, nauseas hell anymore but the alternative is hurtful and too real.

The drink gives that perfect veil of 'so fucking what'. I can look at problems when I'm drunk for what they are and leave all the emotions for tomorrow. I'm not a lush. I'm big time drunk now so I'm gonna sign off before I start posting on threads that I'm not welcome on.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 29/06/2007 23:23

Brassic xx sorry, maybe you are missing DS?

dandycandyjellybean · 29/06/2007 23:34

listen sweetie, got to go, coz i've got a mad drive in the morning, but just to let you know that i totally get what you're saying about the 'so fucking what' veil, and just wanting to feel like it all doesn't matter. won't be around tomorrow, but will log on as soon as i get home on Sunday. lots of love, cubby {{{{{hugs}}}}}

imaginaryfriend · 29/06/2007 23:59

Oh, BM, I"m so sorry you're having such a hard time. Did you drink a litre bottle or a half litre? Just curious as to what you meant by a big bottle...

I do hope you're ok. We're all here for you. Keep battling.

Judy1234 · 30/06/2007 08:40

I hope the morning is better.
I think as I said before when people give up they do need something else to fill the gap. The crutch is gone in a sense which is why people writing about having therapy at the same time or addressing the underlying problems the drink covers up might help.

(No you weren't wrong just to say sorry to the receptionist - it's never good to be rude and people get things wrong so you did fine there. So then I suppose after that the next issue is how to deal with that feeling inside that you were cross when she was wrongly blaming you so that it isn't taken out on whoever you're with. The internal control of the anger. Yet it's when drunk people are usually most angry, I thought.)

FrannyandZooey · 30/06/2007 08:56

Sorry things are shit for you right now Brassic. I found I was stuck in some sort of teenage place when I gave up drinking - I hadn't matured emotionally at all, in all the years of drinking, so I was still about 14 inside. I still haven't found proper coping mechanisms for dealing with pain and hurt, so I just try to tread very carefully and not let myself get too upset in the first place. Not really a very strong long term plan but it works for now.

I hope you can find something to hang onto this weekend and pull yourself out of the mire again.

BrassicMonkey · 30/06/2007 12:32

Thanks for the posts everyone. I was so lonely last night and drink accentuated that feeling rather than softened it. I think I behaved ok but I don?t remember much this morning. I stopped posting on here pretty early but I?ve only just woke up so I doubt if I went straight to bed.

Cubby ? enjoy your weekend

IF ? I don?t know why I said ?big bottle?. It was a 70cl bottle so that?s 28 units. I wasn?t sick before bed but I?ve got a bad hangover this morning. I feel really fragile and the shakes are back.

Hi Franny and Xenia. I know I need to find some proper coping mechanisms. 2 people suggested AD?s to me yesterday, but I don?t really think they would help. I did see my GP about the low feelings a few months back but after a long talk we both agreed that rather than depression, I was dealing with a difficult set of circumstances and that feeling sad was to be expected. I came out with a list of ideas like make new friends, exercise regularly, learn to drive, treat myself etc? I?ve always had occasional lows even when my life was going how I wanted it to, but they pass quite quickly. This morning I feel ok again and quite happy to be on my own.

I?m going to have a bath now and do some tidying up.

OP posts:
Elibean · 30/06/2007 14:26

BM, not been around for a bit...sorry to hear things have been, and are, so rough.

You know, what strikes me is, you did such a seemingly smooth and 'easy' (I know it wasn't, but relative to my experience I suppose) job of getting sober first time around...sort of textbook perfect detox/entry into sobriety, IYSWIM. From what you've said, it sounds as though you feel you should be perfect, or appear perfect, or cope perfectly, etc....except maybe on MN...wondering, did you feel the same in AA? Have you been to any more meetings? Because having high expectations of ourselves/our lives, and trying to be perfect/get it right all the time are SO typical of us alcoholics - and the worst things we can do to ourselves.

Loneliness is not so great, either.

If you can, I would try to get to a meeting tonight - and tomorrow - or at least call the helpline. Relapse is a part of getting sober for loads of us, to be taken seriously because it it potentially very dangerous, but not something to be ashamed of or even too surprised at. I'm thinking of you, wishing you well, and hoping to meet you one day in RL, maybe on a Friday night

Judy1234 · 30/06/2007 14:48

That's a good list. May be just do one thing on it each day, like go out for a walk, however short.

I think acknowledging feelings and coping with them when the substances that hide the feelings are removed is a difficult exercise.

kokeshi · 30/06/2007 15:02

Hi BM...took me a while to find this, got back from holiday a few days ago and haven't been on much.

Sorry you've had a relapse, but for alcoholics, that's what happens if the problem is left untreated. When you say you were in "recovery" please don't think that's how it will feel forever. I've heard this called "white knuckle sobriety" and is just part of the whole process of getting to the stage you feel confortable in your own skin. You just have to persevere.

Pleae make an effort to go back to AA. You can't judge the whole fellowship on one or two meetings. There are speakers you will identify with and those who you have nothing in common with - apart from you fact you are an alcoholic.

As Elibean says, relapse IS part of recovery but not if you get stuck in the drinking part. It takes a lot of courage to walk in to an unfamiliar place sober but know that everyone feels the same as you when they do. I don't think anyone enjoys it at first. As they say, AA isn't for those who want it, it's for those who need it.

So, can you start again today? Not drink for this 24 hours and do something for yourself...call the helpline and tell them you would like someone to go with you. You are right, we all do need something to replace the drink because it leaves a gaping hole that's painful. For a while, this will be really acute so you need to rely on others. You can't do this alone and I really feel for you at the moment. I've been there.

I'm so glad you're still posting on here, and all the others who've joined as well. It's fantastic to see you all. Cubby, I was a bit worried about you - so pleased that you're around.

Don't beat yourself up too much but don't be fooled about what alcohol brings you. This is a progressive illness which will only get worse.

Thinking of you.

BrassicMonkey · 30/06/2007 20:15

Hi Elibean. What a lovely post ? thank you. The reduction plan was relatively easy. I don?t know what?s changed. Even abstinence was pretty easy at first. I craved but I was so cut off from drink and so absorbed in doing a good job that drinking wasn?t even an option. The loneliness is so painful. I hate being single but I?m not ready for a new relationship. I don?t want to go out with mates but I?d love to have that comfortable companionship again, like I had with ex-p. I don?t really miss him but I miss the company. When we separated we were exhausted from trying to make it work and it hadn?t for a few years. I really miss sex and affection but most of all someone to share things with. It all feels a bit crap and empty when you?re just doing things for yourself.

Hi Kokeshi. It?s lovely to hear from you again. I hope you enjoyed your holiday. I?m glad you understand me and are sticking around although I expect it?s frustrating for you. I?ve started to use the word alcoholic now and I even admitted it to a friend. I felt I had to as she kept talking about pregnancy and babies and it hit me that she must have thought I had some exciting news to share about why I wasn?t drinking. I felt really stupid saying it and a bit like I was seeking attention. I don?t know what she thought but she immediately started apologising for offering drinks and inviting me to things where people were drinking. I felt awful for making her feel bad, and frustrated because I don?t want people to pussy-foot around me or exclude me from things just because I might relapse. It?s my problem if I relapse and losing all my mates isn?t going to help me stay sober.

I?ve judged AA from one experience and I know that?s wrong. It suited me to do it and I was glad that I didn?t get anything from it ? I didn?t want to. What?s that saying about not wanting to join a club that would have you as a member ? that?s applicable to the way I feel about AA. I am going to try again next week though.

There?s no point in lying on here. I bought a half bottle of vodka after I posted this afternoon and I?ve drunk it. I?m going out in a minute for more ? just having something to eat to sober me up a bit first. I know tomorrow will be the same too.

I won?t post again this weekend but will be back on Monday, hopefully ready to start again. I?m not doing another reduction plan ? I don?t think I?ll need to after only a few days back on anyway. I don?t think I?d have it in me to do it again anyway, as it made me feel so vulnerable and paranoid last time.

Good luck to everyone else that?s trying to abstain/control their drink this weekend. Hope you?re doing better than I am.

OP posts:
Elibean · 30/06/2007 23:16

BM, if you judge AA by one meeting, its a bit like judging MN by one post one one thread. Nonsense, as you know.

But more importantly, judging is irrelevent: does it work for you? Can it help you stay sober/alive?

Here's the thing - my first AA meeting I privately thought was a farce: I couldn't believe in a million years that I either belonged or could benefit from sitting in an old Portacabin in the back garden of a treatment centre, with a load of old men (mostly) talking about booze in a way I didn't relate to. I was 25 years old, a cool drug user (ha), wearing black bondage trousers instead of a cloth cap, and couldn't relate to a word they said. My first NA meeting was not much better - they held hands, ffs, were they born again religious nuts or just pretending?? I was scared, but also relieved, thinking 'there, see, I don't belong'.

Luckily for me, I was stuck in a treatment centre detoxing (off some very dangerous combinations of alcohol and drugs) for the first few weeks, and had to attend whether I liked it or not. Not. Eventually, I began to relate to one or two people, and then to hear messages that made sense to me, and then to experience the well-being and opposite of loneliness that came with saying my name, and admitting I was an addict/alcoholic, in front of a whole group of people doing the same thing. I didn't like it, couldn't understand how or why it worked, but work it did.

Twenty years later, I know perfectly well it works, have companionship the like I've never had before, but still don't relate to all I hear in meetings, prefer some to others, etc.

No idea if any of that helps - probably not, tonight, anyway, but maybe tomorrow?? Do'nt wait too long before getting some help - if not AA, then go back to that unit you contacted, or try something else, but get help. The hard part of staying sober is how you feel when you stop drinking - not the stopping, necessarily.